AN: Hiya! Sooo I'm really sorry about the wait but writers block happened and real life just wore me out. Wanna say it again, thank youu guys so much for reading, reviewing fav/following and anything else there is cuz it truly means so much to me. Muchas Gracias!
Saturday 9:51 PM
They sit in absolute silence together. The clock on the wall being the only thing heard. Brendan is on the chair looking over at Ste who is staring down at his hands. Brendan doesn't fail to notice the tears falling from his face and the small strangled noises coming out of him. He glanced over at Ste a few times as he was talking and just saw the horror cross through his whole face. He saw Ste holding onto his chest and almost hyperventilating to the point he had to stop till he calmed down. It didn't last long as he started talking again and Ste leaned over to the side and became violently sick. Brendan stood by him as Ste cried so much he ran out of tears. It took a couple more moments for Ste to recover and Brendan continued until everything was out.
"You ok?" Brendan whispers it so that it's barely audible.
Ste looks over at him for a second and tries giving him a reassuring smile but fails. Brendan sees the same look he saw in Cheryl when she found out. He sees the heartbreak through their eyes and he didn't want that for Ste.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have told you I didn't want to make you upset. Just forget I said anything." Brendan stands up and is about to turn when a hand grabs him around the wrist.
"No. You're not going. You're not doing this alone anymore. I'm not letting...you will not go back to that time without me. Every nightmare or episode you have, you will not suffer through them alone."
Ste pulls him to the point where Brendan is hitting the side of the bed. He shuffles over and wraps his arms around Brendan's waist putting his head on his chest.
"I love you. Do you understand that? I will never stop loving you. What you went through is something I wish I could take away from you. You didn't deserve any of that. That man was a monster that tried to take you from this world. But he didn't Brendan. What he did was make you who you are."
Brendan tenses at the last words but feels Ste hold him tighter. He feels the tears the boy is letting go soaking through his shirt.
"I know what he made me Steven. He made me this-" Brendan moves his left arm "-he marked me his for life. He ruined me. Completely."
"No what he made was a man that would do anything to protect the people he loves. This scar here-" Ste lets go of Brendan and lightly runs his hand over it "-is you. It's not going away. Never be ashamed of your scars Brendan, they simply mean you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you. And it's not marking you as his. It marks the day you refused to give him what he wanted. It marks the day that you stood up to him. It's the day that you finally became free. He doesn't own you Brendan. You have never been his. You know why? Because you were already chosen for someone. Me."
"What?" Brendan looks down to see Stes eyes shining. The tears and light hitting them make them almost unreal. The blue color resembles the sky on a perfect day.
"Bren I picked you. You're mine. I accept you for everything you are and everything you bring. Your flaws and scars and whatever else you have I'll take it. You're broken you told me that but I will spend the rest of my life mending you. And even if one day you can't do it anymore and you decide to give up on yourself, know that I won't give up on you."
Ste watches as Brendan slowly climbs onto the bed. Ste relaxes into him and places his head on Brendan's chest. He hears the slow heart beat against his ear. When he looks up at him Brendan's eyes are staring towards the ceiling. Deep in his own thoughts.
"What's wrong Bren?"
"You can do so much better than me Steven. Do you realize how much you're gonna go through being with me? Every day is going to be something new. Everyday I'm gonna lose it. Every day you're going to get closer and closer to reaching your limit. I'm not...I can't be fixed Steven. I can't be saved."
Saturday 10:45 PM
Ste kept reassuring him over and over until Brendan shushed him and fell asleep. Brendan's pager goes off which causes him to wake right up. It's almost instinct as he jumps off the bed but stumbles a little as his mind just woke up. Ste watches Brendan look at the message.
"What's up?"
"From Cheryl, saying I can leave early."
"When?"
"Technically now." Brendan sees Stes face fall in disappointment. "What?"
"Don't go. Please."
"Steven if I stay after my shift people will think something is going on. I have to go."
Ste makes up a plan at that exact second. "Well couldn't I be discharged for a night? Like an emergency at home."
"Well you could but you need someone to sign you out and it's almost midnight who's going to come get you now."
"Well couldn't you-"
"No I'm your nurse remember."
Ste tries thinking of anyone that could possibly still be up and be willing to drive an hour out of their way to pretend to sign him out.
"You don't have anyone you could get to sign me out. Not even one?"
"No Steven. Everyone I actually get along with works here. There is no one else that-" Brendan stops mid-sentence when a name pops into his head "-actually I may have someone. Gissa sec." Brendan leans down and gives him a chaste kiss before he walks out and makes a call.
About 20 minutes go by when Warren finally gets to the hospital. Brendan is waiting for him by the entrance and smiles at him.
"That smile can only mean you need a favor."
"You were always a smart one Foxy."
"So what do you need now?"
Brendan tries to keep himself from laughing as he knows this is going to sound ridiculous.
"Erm...I need you to pretend to be married to my patient."
Saturday 11:24 PM
Warren starts walking down the hall with Brendan right behind him still trying to convince him to go along with the plan.
"It's stupid Brendan."
"No come on look all you gotta say is that one of your family members just passed away and you need your husband for support tonight. They won't even ask any questions."
Warren comes to a sudden halt causing Brendan to slam right into him almost knocking them both over.
"A little warning next time Foxy." Brendan rubs his nose where it collided with a very bulky jacket. "You gonna help me out? Ill owe you."
As soon as Brendan utters those last words he wishes he could take them back. Judging by the look in Warrens eyes he already has a favor in mind.
"Actually I do need help with something."
Brendan motions for him to continue by doing a weird hand movement that Warren gives a 'what the fuck was that' look.
"I need someone to unload a shipment with me. Seeing as we done this so many times in the past it should be simple."
"I'm not a drug dealer anymore Foxy. I rather not."
"Come on Brady. I'll even give you some of the profit and I'll get your boy out of here for the night. So you in?"
Brendan considers it for a second and is just about to agree to it when he remembers a certain event.
"Warren go back a year ago and then ask me that question again."
"Why would I...oh right. Probably not the best idea."
Warren rushes down the steps shouting at Brendan that his hair is fine. Or in his exact words "fucking arrogant asshole no one cares about your god damn hair." Brendan scoffs at him as he walks out of the room putting on his jacket at the same time.
"Calm down Foxy. Gonna get yourself a heart attack one of these days."
"We're already running late and this guy is one of my best buyers alright. Do you realize how much money I'm gonna make today with this shipment? Thousands Brendan. But I won't make any if the bastard leaves cause we're late. So hurry the fuck up."
Brendan rolls his eyes at him and runs to the kitchen to grab a piece of toast. He heads back to the front door with toast in his mouth and picks up his phone on the way. Warren is sitting on the stairs when Brendan passes him and signals to him to move it.
"Got the keys." Brendan says as he walks out the door followed closely behind Warren who replies with a simple "alright" before shutting the door close.
They make their way towards the car and jump in. Brendan gets in the passenger seat and looks over at Warren when he doesn't start the engine.
"Did you forget how to drive today or what?"
"HA. HA! I'm waiting for you to put the shipment in the center console."
Brendan looks at him as if he has 2 heads. "Me? I don't have it."
"Well I don't fucking have it."
They both end up shouting at each other before Brendan gets out of the car slamming the door closed. Warren curses at him as he follows him back up the path to the house.
Both being completely high on drugs they stand outside for a couple of minutes before Brendan decides to ask the obvious question.
"Why are we standing out here?"
"Well we can't get in without opening the door and you have the keys. Put two and two together smart one."
"You have the keys smart one." Brendan ends up laughing for no apparent reason till he sees Warrens face. "You do have the keys don't ye?"
For a second it looks like Warrens head is going to explode. "No! Why would I have them? You said and I quote 'got the keys'-" Warren does his best Irish accent.
"I was asking you if YOU had the keys. It was a bloody question!"
"WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU JUST SAY DO YOU HAVE THE KEYS?!"
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!"
"NOOO YOU SAID GOT THE KEYS. AS IN YOU HAVE THE KEYS!"
"GOT THE KEYS...QUESTION MARK!"
After a few minutes of them repeating the same thing over and over again they both go to the back yard hoping they left that door open.
They didn't.
Brendan had mentioned breaking a window which would have worked if it wasn't for the fact that they have bars on them. The only one that didn't have bars on them was the room on the second floor.
"How much do you weigh Brendan?!" Warren struggles to give Brendan enough of a lift for him to reach the roof. He receives a quick kick to the face as his answer. When Brendan manages to pull himself onto the roof he gives Warren a hand up.
Warren breaks the window and manages not to cut himself. They head downstairs to the room that houses their whole drug stash and pick up the package. Before leaving Warren ends up popping another pill while Brendan shoots up on heroin. Now being stupidly high they end up going back out the broken window.
"Fuck fuck fuck!" Brendan loses his balance and goes sliding down the roof. He tries to grab anything but his mind and vision are so distorted that he misses everything by a mile. He reaches the end of the roof and falls straight down on the ground below. Warren is sitting on the roof laughing so hard he's actually crying. He jumps off and walks over to Brendan who is on his side curled into a ball.
"That just made my entire life."
Brendan rolls onto his back. "I'm glad my pain can give you amusement." He reaches his arm out and Warren helps him up.
"You alright though?" Warren worryingly asks.
"I'm fine. The grass broke my fall." Brendan tries wiping away the grass stains off his shirt.
"You know I always hear about people falling off roofs and spending months in hospital recovering."
"Those people are muppets."
When they finally do make it to the meet up point the buyer is already long gone.
"How late are we actually?"
"Oh not that long just-" Warren looks at his watch "-an hour." He throws the package at Brendan hitting him right in the face. They end up sitting in the car for a while just staring out the window. "I don't think this is for you anymore Brendan."
"What are you talking about?"
"This-" he waves the drug package in the air almost hitting himself in the eye "-you're more than this. You always have been. Look it's been a couple months since your breakdown Brendan and I think it's time for you to go back. That's where you belong. Helping people."
"I can't even help myself. How do you expect me to help someone else?"
"Well you always cared more about other people than yourself."
Brendan shakes his head and looks at his ring. "I don't think I can go back."
Warren looks over at him and snaps his fingers to get his attention. "You remember when you first got into medical school? First time in 2 years that I had actually seen you smile. I remember when we would be in alleys selling this stuff to people and I would look over at you and you had this dead expression on your face. When you decided to make eye contact I saw nothing. They were these cold blank eyes. But then that day when you said you got into that school it's like something in you changed. Your eyes had that glint in them that I had almost forgotten. And you laughed and smiled and you...you were happy. My little brother was going to fucking medical school and I was dead proud of you."
Brendan smiles as he remembers that day clearly.
"You have something special in you Brendan. The things you gone through should have made you into someone who could care less about humanity but you're the opposite. You actually care too much for people. They always say that everyone has a reason for why their still alive and I think yours is pretty obvious. It's to help people. It's to mend them. To fix them. To make them whole again. And maybe by piecing them back together you'll be able to piece yourself back together. You worked so hard to get to where you are. To become a physical therapist. And not just any physical therapist but the best one they have at that hospital and you can't let him take that away from you. I won't let him. If I have to drag you there every day I will. But I won't watch you throw away something that made you happy one time in your life. So this drug shit ends today. No more selling. You're out ok."
Brendan doesn't respond back and stares down until Warren finally starts driving back to his flat. They don't speak till they pull up onto the driveway.
"Foxy?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Anytime little bro. Anytime." He reaches over and ruffles Brendan's hair. "Ahh fuck how much gel did you put in your hair!"
Brendan smacks the back of Warrens head and makes a dash for the front door. He turns the door knob and then it hits him. He turns around to see Warren walking up the path.
"FOXY?"
"What?"
"YOU DIDNT GET THE FUCKING KEYS!"
Warren decides against that favor and gets a better one in his mind.
"You have a point. Forget that then. Erm Mitzeee is still proper mad at me so how about that dinner? It'll be me, Mitzeee, you, and Cheryl."
"Well that's not awkward at all. I don't want to be on a double date with my sister."
"Ok me, Mitzeee, you, and this new boy of yours."
"Again no. We're not together."
"Fine me, Mitzeee, and you."
"I'll bring Cheryl."
Brendan makes a run for it knowing Warren is probably at the ends of his ropes and is a second away from ringing his neck out.
They slow down when they get close to the counter. Brendan goes through the plan and then hides behind a door when Warren gets to the nurse.
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yeah I was looking to sign out my umm...-" Warren awkwardly coughs "-husband for the night. My sister passed away today and we need the whole family tonight to mourn her loss. Support each other."
The nurse actually looks devastated and saddened. "Oh I'm so sorry about your loss. I know what you're going through so I understand you need your partner with you through this rough time. I can absolutely sign him out. But he needs to be back tomorrow afternoon." She riffles through different forms and pulls one out. "What's the name?"
"Mine? Warren Fox."
"And your husband's name?" She looks up at him waiting for his response and it suddenly hits Warren that he never got the name from Brendan.
Brendan panics as he's positive he never said Stes last name nor his first one for that matter. He thinks fast and comes from behind the door with his phone against his ear.
"Yeah yeah I know STEVEN. He said HEY to me first. I can't stop people from just shouting my NAME when they see me." Brendan continues with his fake conversation and passes Warren on his way.
"Umm the name right. Steven Hey."
Apparently the nurse was too busy with the forms she didn't even notice Brendan passing by. "Room or department he's in?"
"North Wing. Physical Therapy department." Warren assumes that's where he would be at considering that's where Brendan is stationed to.
"Perfect let me just get his nurse here to sign off on this and he will be all yours."
Warren smiles and takes a seat as he knows Brendan is going to take a couple minutes around the corner pretending he was in the North Wing the whole time.
Finally Brendan makes his appearance and ignores Warren as he goes over to the nurse.
"You called me right?"
"Yes a -" she motions over to Warren "-would like to sign out Steven Hay for the night as there has been a family emergency. Just need you to approve it and sign the form."
Brendan quickly signs it and thanks the nurse before nodding over to Warren to follow. They don't talk until they are out of the West Wing.
"Next time maybe give me the name of the guy you wanna take to your flat yeah. It would help."
"There won't be a next time."
"Whatever you say...wait so the quick fucks last name is Hey, as in hey how are you?"
Brendan stops walking and grabs Warrens arm pulling him back to face him.
"First, it's Hay as in H-A-Y. And second he's not a quick fuck. Call him that one more time and your head is going straight through a window. Are we clear?"
Warren smiles at him before nodding. "Sorry I didn't know he meant anything to you."
"S'okay. I didn't tell you so partly my fault but he means a lot to me."
"You happy?"
"I don't do happy but yeah I'm...I'm ok."
"Alright well come on then. Time for me to meet him."
Once they make it to the North Wing Brendan guides Warren to Stes room and gives him a look that says 'be nice' before walking in.
Ste looks up from his phone when he hears the door open. Brendan walks in with another guy that Ste remembers as the guy that was next to Brendan in one of the pictures on his phone. Looking at them now next to each other they are definitely not brothers. But he can see how close they are by Brendan's posture alone. He seems more relaxed and calm.
"Mate nice to meet you. Names Warren." Warren extends his hand and Ste shakes it.
"Same to you. I'm Ste."
Warren looks over at Brendan and rolls his eyes. "So I'm guessing this nutter over here calls you by your whole name huh." Ste shakes his head and laughs. "He does that often. He calls me by my last name so I don't really understand his ridiculous logic."
"You do know I'm standing right here?"
"Yeah yeah yeah whatever. So look Brendan asked me to sign you out for the night so let's go."
Without any hesitation Ste gets out of bed and thanks Warren before they all make their way out of the hospital. Brendan helps Ste get into his car and then walks over to Warren who is already in his car.
"Thanks again. Gonna need you here tomorrow to sign him back in."
"Got it. See you then."
Brendan starts walking back until Warren shouts from his car.
"Brady go easy on him. The kids back is already messed up. He really doesn't need to be sore as well."
Before Brendan could even think about responding Warren has already drove off laughing in the distance.
Sunday 12:46 AM
They pull up to Brendan's house in a little under an hour as there wasn't much traffic at this time of night. Ste practically jumps out of the car and looks around like an excited child. He's been stuck in the hospital too long. Brendan gets out of the car more slowly and tells him to come inside but Ste is too busy observing the different items around it. Brendan gets inpatient and grabs him from behind.
"Ey! I'm trying to capture this scenery."
"There's a tree and the sidewalk and oh look a car. Now come on." Brendan still grips him and pushes him to the front door only letting him go when he has to unlock it. Ste goes in first and waits for Brendan to flick on the light. When he does he finally gets to see a part of Brendan's personal life. The house fits him quite well. It's tidy and organized. Nothing is out of place except for some paperwork that covers almost half of the coffee table. The walls are painted gray and there's not much else on it. No pictures or decorative accents. Everything else is either black or white but overall it looks modern and sleek. Ste walks over to the dining table and sees a pamphlet on it but Brendan manages to pick it before he gets a chance to read it.
"Nice place."
"Thanks I don't really spend much time here."
"Oh where do you stay?" Stes stomach suddenly turns as he can imagine Brendan spending the nights at other men's house. Jealousy. He's never had that issue before but suddenly his whole body is raging with it.
"Cheryl's or Anne's. I'm really only here to sleep."
Ste releases the breath he was holding and points to the stairs.
"My room and a guest room is up there and Cheryl's is-" he points to another room on the corner "-right there. She wouldn't give me the ok on buying this place unless there was a specific room for her. She rarely ever spends the night here though."
Brendan shows him around some more before Ste makes a dash to his room. Brendan knows there's a couple items that he should have probably hidden but it's too late now and he doesn't really care at this point. He follows Ste up the stairs and sees him looking around the room.
The bed is surprisingly made for once. On the nightstand there is a bottle of water and 3 prescription vials. Some of the pills are surrounding them. There are a few pieces of clothing hanging off a chair or on the floor around it. Ste looks across the bed and sees the flat screen tv mounted onto the wall. He's mesmerized by how giant it is but then something below it catches his eyes. It's a bag of pills. It's open and there's a few of them falling out. Next to it is just a jar of cream and a cooling spray.
"Well your room is..."
"Messy? I know. Meant to clean it but had other things to deal with. Be back I'm just gonna change out of these scrubs. Make yourself comfortable." Brendan grabs a plain white T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms and goes into the bathroom to change. Ste on the other hand decides to snoop around. He checks over his shoulder and then runs over to the nightstand picking up each vial and reading it.
Ambien CR 12.5 mg-Take 1 tablet by mouth at bedtime.
Paxil 40 mg- Take as directed per doctors order for depression and PTSD.
Xanax 2 mg- Take 2 tablets by mouth daily. Do not exceed 3 tablets in 24 hours.
"I don't always take all of them if you're wondering."
Brendan surprises Ste causing him to knock over one of the vials. Luckily it was closed.
"Oh sorry I didn't...I mean I wasn't trying to..."
"It's fine." Brendan moves over to the dresser to remove his watch while Ste walks over to him but stops at the bag of pills.
"And these?"
"You seem smart enough Steven. What do you think they are?"
"Oh."
"Yeah." Brendan moves away and gets into bed before turning on the tv. "You're blocking my view Steven."
"You're such a prick Bren." Ste moves out of the way and jumps into bed causing Brendan to laugh at him. "Least the beds comfy."
Brendan just smiles at him but goes back to watching tv and within minutes ends up falling asleep. Ste is still wide awake but doesn't want to wake Brendan up. He looks exhausted both physically and mentally. Ste watches as his chest rises and falls. The lines etched next to his eyes must be from the years of not sleeping. Once again he has frown lines on his forehead, not truly at peace even when he's asleep. Ste shuffles closer to him and watches him. He thinks to himself that this is bordering on being a bit stalker ish.
He keeps staring at him and how one of his arms wraps around himself almost in a defensive act. He places his head on Brendan's chest and falls asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.
Sunday 2:02 AM
*****Brendan is running through a cemetery at night. He manages to jump over some of the gravestones if he sees them on time. But for the most part he doesn't see them in the dark and slams right into them knocking him to the floor. In the background he hears the sounds of laughter coming closer so he stands back up and keeps going. He stops when he notices the same gravestone again and he knows he's passed this one before, which means he's just going in circles.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! JUST LET ME GO!"
He screams and crumples to the ground. The laughter stops and all he hears is the leaves on the trees moving from the wind. Brendan jumps when a hand you his shoulder. He doesn't dare look up knowing who it is.
"Bren why are you running from me?"
Brendan shakes his head. "You lied to me. You said you loved me...and then I see you with him. Why?"
Ste stares down at him and gives him a cold smile. "Because your damaged goods Brendan. So broken. Lost. So very very lost. No one can fix you. You're beyond repair. Naive and stupid thinking I could ever love someone like you. You couldn't even pay anyone to be with you. Do you understand?"
Brendan shakes his head and gets back up on his feet. "I'm sorry."
"You should be. Because you're a worthless excuse of a man. But your father on the other hand-"
"Stop. Please. I already know. He's better than me. He will always be better than me. I don't deserve being his son. I get it. Just leave me alone."
Ste laughs at him and looks behind Brendan. "Isn't he perfect?
Brendan turns around and sees his dad looking straight back at him.
"Brenda you can't even keep a man. I taught you how to suck one off and how to fuck one but you still couldn't keep Steven over here entertained. Couldn't give him the pleasure he deserved. So I had to do your job again."
Brendan moves away so that Ste and Seamus are in each other's eyesight. "Fine I can't do anything right. I can't keep anyone. No one will ever want me. I'm worth nothing. I'm damaged. I'm ruined. I fucking get it! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD. GET OUT OF MY LIFE!"
Brendan starts walking away but stops and looks back at Ste who is skipping over to Seamus so happily.
"Did you ever love me?"
Ste reaches for Seamus hand. "I never loved you."
It's a stab to the heart to Brendan. His breath goes out of him as tears starts to pour out of his eyes.
"But I thought...fine. Fine. Have a good life together."
Brendan leaves them both as he hears them laughing. He still thinks he's going in circles and ends up tripping over a gravestone.
Seamus Brady
He looks next to it and there's another one.
Brendan Seamus Brady
Both of them have a gravestone but it's empty. The hole in the ground is dug out but there's nothing in them. He runs his hands over his own gravestone. The next thing he feels is hands over his arms essentially trapping him. He struggles and tries moving but he's powerless again. He turns his head to see his father pushing him against his gravestone.
"So so beautiful aren't you."
Brendan is about to respond when he sees Steven standing behind Seamus smiling. Seamus pulls Brendan's trousers down as well as his own.
"Can't get enough of you. You take all of me in you so good."
Seamus pushes into him causing Brendan's whole body to tense up. His body freezes and locks up. He makes eye contact with Steven.
"Help. Please."
"I can't Brendan. I can't."
Everything starts fading away as he hears his dad whispering he loves him.*****
"BRENDAN WAKE UP!"
Brendan faintly hears his voice but he can't open his eyes. He shakes and convulses.
"Please please please snap out of it." Ste holds onto Brendan's face and lightly kisses his forehead hoping it'll calm him down.
Brendan slowly starts coming back into reality as his heart beat starts to slow down. His eyes open and he sees Stes eyes staring back at him. There are tears in them but he seems relieved.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm sorry."
"No no don't do that. That is the last time you will ever apologize for that ok. You have done nothing wrong."
Brendan pushes Ste away and takes one of the vials next to his bed and goes to the bathroom. Ste follows him and manages to get there in time before Brendan gets a chance to close the door.
"Brendan, you don't have to hide the fact that you take these. Or that you need them."
"I don't want to need them Steven. This happens every fucking night! Do you get that? Do you?! You think this is going to be some easy process. That one little session with a psychiatrist will make me all better. That you'll have someone that could spend you future with. But it won't."
"I never thought this would be easy Brendan. I don't think this will be fixed in a week or a month or a year but I know you can overcome it. And I will be there till the end. And even if you don't ever get better I'll still be there. You're in my future whether you like it or not."
"Steven I'm giving you an out here. Just take it. I'm not this good guy. I done so many things in my life that I deserve this. I deserve ending up alone. I deserve death. I deserve to be in hell with him."
"NO YOU DON'T!" Ste reaches out and takes the pills from him and places them on the sink. "You don't Brendan. Why can you only see the bad things in you? Why can't you see how amazing you are? How perfect you are? Why can't you see that you're my life?"
"Cause I'm not."
Ste shakes his head and reaches up to give him a kiss. It's slow and gentle. It's reassuring him that he deserves love in his life. Brendan wraps his arms around him and Ste jumps up wrapping his legs around Brendan's waist. They stay in the same position for a few minutes before Brendan stops.
"Steven I..."
Ste places a finger on his lips and silences him. "Shhh right now forget about everything that's ever happened. Nothing exists beyond these 4 walls. It's just you and me. For one night nothing else matters but making you know that I truly love you. With everything I have in me."
Ste removes himself from Brendan and walks back into the bedroom. He waits by the bed as Brendan walks into the room as well. Ste removes his shirt and waits for Brendan but he hesitates.
"I want to see them."
Brendan slowly pulls his shirt off and stands with his arms next to him. Ste walks up to him and traces the scar on his forearm and goes up his shoulder. He goes behind him and runs his finger down the "S" scar. It's just as bad as the one on his left arm. He sees a few stab wounds on his back but they look faded. When he goes back to the front he sees more stab wounds on his chest. His eyes start to water when he notices the bullet wound on him.
He kisses the wound and slowly kisses down his body till he gets to the top of his waistband. He looks up at Brendan for his permission and gets a nod from him. He pulls down his tracksuit bottoms along with his boxers. Ste sees that below his waist there are no marks on him. His mind races with the thoughts that Seamus probably wouldn't be able to enjoy him if he had scars down there. He puts it to the back of his mind as he removes his own jeans and boxers. Ste moves Brendan to the bed and allows him to rest against the headboard.
"Just relax. This is all for you." Ste crawls down him and looks at Brendan's erection. The pre cum is already leaking from the slit. He laps it up with a few flicks on his tongue before kissing the tip. Ste goes back up and kisses Brendan letting him get a taste of himself before he goes back down and takes Brendan into his mouth. He feels Brendan tense up and sees his knuckles grip the sheets underneath him. Ste runs his tongue up Brendans cock before he starts sucking.
"Steven stop. Stop."
Ste releases him from his mouth with a loud pop. "What? Do you not want this?"
Brendan grins at him before he rolls them over. "No I just don't want to come before you do. Besides I always liked giving not receiving."
He licks down Stes body and sucks on his nipples eliciting a moan and gasp from Ste. Brendan looks up and sees the lust in his eyes. He slowly crawls down his body and takes Stes dick into his mouth. He rolls his tongue over the tip of it before he starts sucking.
"Oh fuck Brendan...I..."
He keeps sucking and licking Stes cock until he feels a hot bitter sweet liquid in his mouth. Brendan swallows it and moves back up to kiss him.
"Didn't take long did it?"
Ste sticks his tongue out at him which Brendan just ends up sucking on.
"Not done with you yet though."
Brendan watches Stes eyes widen as he moves to kneel in between him. Stes knees get pushed up as Brendan circles one of his fingers.
"Brendan please."
"Already begging Steven."
"Prick."
He laughs at the desperate pleas before he shoves a finger into Ste.
"Fuck! Fuck!"
"See rushing me only gets you that."
Brendan leans down and kisses him as he inserts another finger in more slowly. Ste shudders and moves his hips with the same rhythm as Brendan's fingers. Brendan watches how his whole body shakes and how he still wants more. Stes arms reach up and wrap them around his neck.
"Bren...Bren I'm...I'm ready. Please just..."
Brendan removes his fingers and he sucks them before reaching into the bedside drawer. Ste looks over at him as he sees Brendan rip the condom wrapper and roll it onto himself. He squirts lube over his rock hard shaft before going back to kneeling in between Stes legs.
"You sure?"
Ste swallows the lump in his throat and frantically nods. Since the day he saw Brendan this image has been running through his mind every night. He would imagine it over and over again hoping one day it would happen. He couldn't be happier at this moment.
Brendan grabs Stes legs and puts them over his shoulders. Ste wraps them at the ankles. Ste feels Brendan's cock right at his entrance and the pressure is already too much. As Brendan enters him his muscles contract all around him.
"You're so fucking tight Steven."
Brendan slowly pushes in and feels the heat and tightness around him. He forgets about everything that has ever happened in his life. To this point he had never had a moment where the past hasn't been with him. It's always there, lingering in the back of his mind. Always trying to ruin anything good in his life. There's never being a time where he could say he was truly fine. But for the first time since that day 10 years ago he finally feels complete. The moment his eyes connect with Ste is the moment he realizes he's not alone anymore.
He removes his cock from him and then pushes it right back in him. He keeps doing this hitting Stes prostate every time. Ste digs his nails into Brendan's arms as he rocks his hips trying to get more of Brendan in him.
"Harder Brendan."
"Wrap yourself around my waist."
Ste does as he's told as Brendan grabs the iron headboard with his hands. He grips it and pulls himself pushing himself as deep as he can into Ste. Ste screams out in pure pleasure and grabs Brendan's arms above him. They move in sync together while panting and groaning. The headboard slams into the wall over and over. Brendan can feel the pressure going straight to his cock. His ears start ringing as he hears Ste releasing noises from his mouth that he has never in his life heard. Both their visions become cloudy as their arousals hit the maximum level. Brendan thrust one, two, three more times and feels his muscles all lock on him. He shoots his load into Ste and feels Ste violently come onto his stomach and chest. Pain and pleasure shoot through their body as they start to come down. Sweat is falling from Stes forehead and he has some on his neck from where Brendan placed his head on it. Brendan looks at his arms and he has small nail marks from Ste but Ste has scratches all over his thighs.
"You ok?"
Ste nods as his eyes struggle to stay open. Brendan is about to pull out when Ste stops him. "No. Just leave it in me for a bit. Please."
Brendan slumps on top of him and rest his head on Stes chest as Ste runs his hands up and down his back.
"I love you Brendan"
"Yeah...I know."
He always had a small doubt in the back of his mind whenever Ste told him those words before. There was always him second guessing himself and making excuses saying Ste couldn't truly love him. Eventually he had made himself believe that Ste didn't love him he just needed someone because he was alone at the hospital for weeks. He thought he was just a convenience for Ste until he got out. Ste didn't love him. No one could love him. He didn't even know how true love felt. But now he can truthfully say he does. There's this overwhelming feeling in his heart that he couldn't even begin to describe. It's too intense and too powerful for words to explain. Ste loves him, unconditionally. He knows that now and he believes him. Brendan can say at this moment right now, he's happy. He sees a light at the end of the tunnel. And with Ste there with him he hopes he will be able to get out of this darkness that has surrounded him for far too long.
Sunday 10:01 AM
Ste rolls over in bed and ends up falling onto the floor.
"Fucking hell."
He blames Brendan for that because if he was in bed he would have stopped him. He gets back up and notices the room looks a bit more organized. All the clothes are picked up and the counter surfaces have been cleaned. The bag of pills from earlier are nowhere in sight and neither are the prescription vials. Ste walks into the bathroom and on a counter there is a black T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms folded up neatly. He assumes it's for him so he takes a shower and gets dressed before walking downstairs.
The smell of pancakes makes him incredibly hungry as he rushes to get to the kitchen. When he reaches the bottom of the steps he sees Brendan in his scrubs sitting on the dining room table with paperwork in front of him.
"About time you woke up. I made you some breakfast before I have to take you back so hurry up and eat."
Ste smiles stupidly at him and gets a playful smile in return from Brendan.
"Didn't know you could cook."
"Their pancakes Steven. A kid could do them."
Ste takes a seat across Brendan and just watches him filling out all these forms. Eventually Brendan stops and looks up to catch Ste watching him.
"Can I help you?"
"Nope just enjoying myself here."
Brendan can't help but smile at him as Ste drops some syrup down his chin.
"You really can't feed yourself can you."
"HA HA! Hilarious."
Ste finishes up his food and Brendan takes his plate and washes up. When he sits back down he just stares at Ste for an uncomfortable amount of time.
"What?"
"Tell me something."
"Like what?"
"Don't know. Anything really."
Ste bites his lip as he tries thinking of something that could be considered interesting.
"Oh I like snails."
"Like to eat?"
"No that's gross. I mean like as pets or something. I had them when I was smaller cause I wasn't allowed to have a dog so I would go outside and collect snails. My mum didn't know about them till one got out of me room and she stepped on it." Ste remembers that day vividly.
"You kept snails as pets then?"
Ste nods and watches as Brendan gives him a very odd expression. He doesn't think anything was wrong with having snails as pets.
"That's weird."
"Shut up its not." He flicks him off and gets a piece of bread thrown at him for that. "Ok what about you?"
"Umm...oh ok erm I sometimes have these dreams where I think worms get inside me. Like those fat ones...grubs I think there called. So basically they pass through my body and get to my brain where they lay their eggs."
"That's freaking sick Brendan."
"Wait wait I'm not done. So then they all start hatching right and I end up throwing up worms all over the place-" Brendan is cut off by Ste covering his ears and saying "la la la la I'm not listening la la la la."
Eventually they both stop as it gets time to leave. Brendan makes sure to text Warren so that he can sign him back in. They both walk out but Ste stops before getting into the car.
"You ok?"
"Yeah I just don't want to go back. I liked it here." Ste hesitates for a second. "I liked being here with you. It felt as if we were a couple you know."
Brendan doesn't respond back but Ste drops it and gets in the car. Back to the hospital again.
Sunday 12:45 PM
Warren has met them up I'm the parking lot and he walked in with Ste and signed him in. Brendan waited by his car until Warren came back.
"Brady I want a divorce from Ste. I think he spent the night at another man's house. I just lost my sister and he fucks another guy on the same day. It's over Brendan."
Brendan laughs at his fake tears and waves him off as he makes his way into the hospital to start his shift.
He's in the West Wing punching in to start his shift when he sees Cheryl running down the hall with Nate. She spots him and motions for him to come with them. He grabs his badge and pager and runs after them. When he finally gets within distance of his sister he asks "what's going on?"
"Laura had a seizure and started convulsing and throwing up massive amounts of blood. Her coordination and vision is completely off. I think the tumor grew overnight and is pushing into one of her nerves in her brain. Nate has to operate now so you need to be there for her when we put her under." Cheryl looks back and sees Brendan came to a complete halt. "Bren I get that your close to her and you don't want to see her this way but she needs you now more than ever. She's scared and asking for you. I promise we will do everything we can for her. But she doesn't have time to waste so please."
Without any more thought the three of them go running down the hall making their way to the neuro department.
"Brendan you here?" Cheryl throws her bag on the floor as she puts the keys on the table. "Bren you didn't answer my phone calls."
She walks over to her brothers' room where she hears the tv is turned on. When she opens the door she hears him in the bathroom. "Can you explain to me why you can't answer one of my calls. Or just respond to my text. It's not that difficult."
She doesn't get a response back so she decides to wait for him. She goes over to his dresser to grab the remote but sees bits of white powder on it. There are a few empty bags with white residue on them in the corner of the dresser. Something inside her tells her to open the top drawer.
"Oh my god no."
There are tons of used and new syringes in there. Some of them have blood on them. That's when she notices some blood splatter on the bottom of the wall. She carefully moves things in the drawer only to find a rubber cord and a spoon with more residue on it. She feels sick to her stomach but keeps searching.
Tears start to form when she finds it. He has every type of drug she's read about. She finds heroin, cocaine, meth, LSD, hundreds of ecstasy pills, and weed.
She hears the bathroom door open and Brendan walks out with his hoodie over his head.
"Aren't you at supposed to be at work?"
"No if you would have checked my text you would have known I got out early."
"Sorry." Brendan stumbles a little before climbing into bed. "You done snooping."
"Please tell me you're just selling these. You're not doing drugs right."
"Cheryl really what do you think."
She sees his dazed and dilated eyes. And the constant twitch in his cheek. His jaw keeps clenching and she finally notices the injection marks on his neck and arms.
"Why?"
"Are you stupid or something? Why the fuck do you think huh? Daddy's baby girl still can't see how fucked up he made me. All that shit calms me down. It makes me forget ok. You have your fucking therapy that helps while I have those."
Cheryl sits on the floor next to the bed and tries to get him to look at her but his eyes look dead.
"You can't keep taking these Brendan. There not gonna help you. It's only gonna make things worse. Please I don't want to see you go down this path. I can get you some help...rehab-"
"I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING HELP!" Brendan gets out of bed so forcefully that Cheryl jumps back out of fear. She's never truly seen him be this angry. The veins in his neck are popping out and his eyes keep blinking uncontrollably. She's staring at a stranger now. Her brother is gone.
"I DON'T NEED REHAB. I DON'T NEED THERAPY. I DON'T NEED TO BE WATCHED EVERYSINGLE SECOND. I DON'T NEED YOU!"
"Bren..."
"SHUT UP! I'm tired of hearing your voice and listening to you go on as on about getting help. I don't give a shit ok. Let me live my fucked up life how I want to yeah. If I want to do drugs I will. If I want to beat someone to a pulp I'll do it. If I want to take someone's life I'll fucking enjoy it. So do me a favor and leave me alone. Just seeing your face pisses me off."
"I'm just trying to-"
"Chez STOP! You're still trying to make it up to me but guess what? You can't. This is all your fault. I fucking protected you my whole damn life and you couldn't once see what he was doing to me? I mean how fucking naive are you."
Cheryl starts crying and shaking her head. "I didn't...see...I'm sorry."
"You're always fucking sorry." Brendan sees her cry but feels nothing anymore. "I hate you do you know that. I always will."
Cheryl runs out of his room before he can see her shatter into a million pieces.
Sunday 1:37 PM
Brendan and Cheryl sit silently in her office. They made it to Laura's room before she was put under. Brendan held her hand and promised she would be ok and that he would see her once she woke up. Laura said goodbye to him before she fell asleep from the anesthesia. Nate told them it would be a couple hours before he was finished and that he would page them when he was done. Cheryl asked Brendan to stay in her office for a bit until he was stable enough to go back to work.
"Nate is the best at what he does Brendan. I'm sure she will be ok. Just gotta get through these couple of hours and then we can go see her. She's gonna be proper excited when she wakes up knowing she's tumors free." She puts on her best smile and hopes Brendan buys it. He doesn't.
"Yeah sure." Brendan looks around the room and notices bright pink flowers. "When did you get those?"
Cheryl rolls her eyes at Brendan changing the topic because she knows he doesn't want to deal with his feelings like always.
"Yesterday. There nice right?"
"Their neon pink. Who got them for you? Anne or Lynsey?"
"Umm neither...Nate did."
Brendan's head flicks back towards her. "Nate? As in the neuro surgeon Nate? When were you going to tell me you two were together?"
"We're not together Brendan. We just went out on a date."
"A date?! I never gave my ok."
"Oh please I don't need your permission. I'm older remember." She scoffs at him but shots him a wink.
"So you like him?"
"I think so. I don't know if he feels that way about me. I can't help but think he just wants me as a friend. I text him after our date and said thanks for the lovely time and he never replied."
Brendan gets off the chair and walks towards the door.
"Oi I was still talking where are you going?"
"Oh I'm gonna go get a drink and then kill Nate and then get something from the vending machine."
"No you're not interfering in this. I can handle it myself."
"Right sure you can. But I will be speaking to him very soon. I need him to know I don't take it to kindly when someone doesn't tell me they want to go out with my sister."
Cheryl tries getting his attention but he's already out the door. She sighs and leans back into her chair but sees Mitzeee walk past her door. She pushes herself out the chair and bolts out the door.
"Mitzeee! Come here."
Mitzeee gives her a strange look but walks over to her. "What? You ok?"
"Yeah I'm fine. I need your help."
"Alright with what?"
Cheryl pulls out a small video camera from her purse.
"Umm...right...is this illegal?"
"Probably."
Mitzeee shrugs her shoulders and follows Cheryl down a hallway.
"So want exactly are we doing?"
"Well I need you to keep an eye out and make sure no one comes into Eoghans office while I'm in there. If you see him coming just distract him."
"Cheryl he's gay what the hell am I gonna do? And wait why are you taping Eoghan?"
"Look it has to do with Brendan. And Eoghan is a fucking asshole that deserves what is coming to him. So will you help?"
Mitzeee doesn't hesitate this time and walks to the side of Cheryl as they each his office. The door is unlocked so she goes inside while Mitzeee keeps guard. Cheryl looks around for a decent spot and then chooses the bookcase. She puts it behind this fake plant and uses the leaves to hide it. She positions it perfectly and then peeks her head out the door. Mitzeee gives her a thumbs up letting her know the coast is clear. Cheryl and Mitzeee give each other a high five before they run down the hallway back towards the West Wing.
Sunday 3:11 PM
Brendan is being very easy on Ste today. He did about 30 minutes of physical therapy with him before Ste complained that he was tired. Ste pouted, blinked his lashes innocently, and said please with a cherry on top. Brendan gave in and stopped the session extremely early. Ste is in his room watching tv while Brendan tidies it up a bit.
"Umm Bren?"
"Yeah?"
"You still think I'll be able to leave here tomorrow? You said Monday didn't you?"
Brendan ends up dropping a vase he was cleaning on the floor. It shatters into tiny pieces. Brendan looks down at the floor and thinks that's the perfect metaphor for his life. It was getting re built and mended and he was complete like this vase full of water, him full of life. But then just one thing causes him to break all over again.
"I'm gonna order some tests for you tomorrow and another MRI scan to make sure you're ready to go. They'll most likely come out ok so I'm going to start filling out your discharge papers. But...you're not going tomorrow."
"So when then?"
"Tuesday. Let Amy know to be here by 5 so she can sign the papers that she's going to be looking after you."
Ste practically falls off the bed but Brendan grabs him.
"You're just accident prone aren't you?"
"Am not."
"You fell off a bloody roof Steven. Accident prone."
Ste smacks his arm and then cringes when he sees he hit his left arm again. "Oh god I'm sorry I'm sorry-"
"It's fine didn't hurt much."
They end up watching Monsters inside of Me until Brendan says he can't watch it anymore when one of the people on the show gets worms in his body.
"I need to go talk to Cheryl for a bit so I'll come check up on you later." Brendan picks up Stes chart and starts walking away.
"Bren?"
"Yep?" He turns around and leans against the wall.
"So umm...you know when I leave here, what's gonna happen?"
Brendan shrugs his shoulders but doesn't say anything.
"I mean like...I still meant what I said last time."
"I know. I made an appointment, it's at 9 on Wednesday."
"So you're gonna go right?"
Brendan drops his head and avoids eye contact. "I...don't know."
"So this means nothing to you then huh? Look I'm not trying to force you to go. I'm not. But you need help and I can't give you that. You need to talk about everything or it's just gonna keep getting worse. I can see you slowly losing it and I don't want to wake up one day knowing you couldn't overcome your demons. I told you I would stay with you till the end and I would. As long as you at least try to get help. I will be at that psychiatrist office on Wednesday waiting for you. If you don't show up...then forget I was even a part of your life."