So ummm I'm back and wanted to say I'm super sorry. I didn't even know it was that long of a wait. Anyway I'm gonna finish this and I hope it still flows with the last chapter since it's been over a year. One last time thank you guys so so so much for everything! I really hope you still enjoy the chapters :)

Oh and remember that these "**** and italics****" mean it's a dream and a "straight line and italics" is a flashback. Ok sorry sorry, on with the chapter.

Tuesday 4:48 PM

Brendan will never figure out how the hospital can be quiet for hours and then in one second it becomes pure chaos. Four patients are rushed through the ER doors while nurses move people aside. Brendan looks down and sees all the blood and knows he's stuck cleaning it. He quickly moves back as another patient comes through. He sees Cheryl sprinting while trying to get as much info from the paramedics. She notices Brendan and even in a second she can tell he's upset. She lightly pats his arm before running towards the ER room.

Brendan sighs and goes behind the counter to get the mop. He slams the mop down on a puddle of blood just causing it to splash onto his scrubs.

"Yeppppp. Of course that would happen." Brendan just shakes his head and gets to work. After about half an hour he is finally done and has nothing to do. One patient is getting her chemotherapy. The other doesn't have physical therapy for an hour or so. He looks down and decides to go to his car and get his other pair of scrubs as he doesn't want to do the last hours of his shift with blood on him.

He walks out the lobby and looks around as he heads to his car. He realized he's quite paranoid recently. So he keeps watching the whole way to his car. A can rolls close to him and he jumps slamming his hand onto the car.

"Bloody hell. Piece of shit can. Can't watch where the hell it's going. Decides to come to the most paranoid screwed up person. Yeah very funny can. Good job." Brendan stops and looks around because he just realized he was talking to a can for a bit. "I'm losing my damn mind. Get it together Brendan."

He finally opens the door and reaches over to get the scrubs. When he looks up and stares out the passenger window he sees his dad. They keep eye contact for a couple seconds before Brendan closes his eyes. When he re-opens them no one is there. He closes his eyes again and breathes to ten before getting out of the car, but again when he looks over it he sees his dad. He blinks repeatedly till his dad is out of his sight. He shuts the door and turns around and sees him again.

"Just leave me alone for a day." Brendan doesn't speak it; he just says it in his mind. He knows his dad is in his mind and that's the only way to speak to him. "You won ok. You don't have to keep haunting me every day till I die. I bet that's why you do it though. Revenge. You want me dead for killing you. You deserved it. I didn't. I never deserved it...I never deserved it." As he says these last words in his head his dad disappears again. Brendan doesn't waste any time and starts walking towards the hospital again.

"Brendan you gotta stop. You have been walking in this parking lot in a circle for hours. People are starting to see and I really don't want the director to see you." Cheryl keeps extending her arms in order to grab him but when she does he just brushes her inside and continues. "Brendan! Come on! STOP!"

A crowd starts gathering around just watching Cheryl reaching for her brother who just keeps going around and around in circles.

"People think they can get away with anything. They hold things over your head so you have to do things. Things you would never do, ever. But no you do it. Cause you're this weak person that has always being told what to do. That has no brain to make his own decisions. All he says is yes." Brendan keeps repeating this over and over again while speeding up going in his circle.

By this time the supervisors and directors and some nurses are outside watching Brendan seemingly losing it right in front of them.

"Oh god. Brendan, they're all watching you. We can still make something up and they will just let it go. What's wrong?" Cheryl finally grabs him and he doesn't push her aside.

"I found my ring." Brendan holds up the ring his mum gave him. "Remember I thought I lost it a while ago. I looked all over for it. Couldn't find it. Then today, there it was. Behind the bed. Don't know how it got there, and I had looked back there before."

Cheryl keeps a hold of him but doesn't get what's the big deal or why he seems to be losing it over a ring.

"I saw it and put it on so fast. And you know what happened? It brought back the memory of that day. We were almost out but I needed to get the ring. Then he came in and well you know what happened after. I don't want this ring...but I do cause my mum gave it to me." Brendan puts the ring on his finger and sees the scar that leads to it. He pushes Cheryl back and his eyes go distant. She watches his eyes go dead and she losses him.

He drops straight to the floor and slams into the concrete pavement. You can literally hear a loud sound when he lands. Even Cheryl cringes and then runs over to him on the floor but he's completely unconscious. There's blood coming from his head and she realizes he must have hit his head first and knocked himself out. His scar is bright red as his body weight landed on it.

"Shit shit shit. Bren wake up for me. Can someone get me a fucking rag or something!" Finally a nurse snaps out of it and brings water and a few rags to Cheryl and she immediately puts it against the side of his head where the cut is at and applies pressure. "Can you hold this?" The nurse does what is asked and Cheryl pours water on another rag and starts cleaning his scar on his arm. She looks over and sees the directors talking and she knows this probably won't end well. When she looks back down Brendan's eyes are opening so she tells the nurse to run cause she already calls it before it happens. She pushes herself back and barely manages to avoid Brendan almost head-butting her. He sits up but just keeps staring ahead. He lifts himself up and starts slowly walking across the parking lot.

"Bloody hell Brendan! You're gonna get hit by a car." Cheryl stands up and looks around before running after him. If it wasn't for the drivers they would have gotten hit at least 3 times. "Fuck! Brendan you're gonna get us killed !"

When he hears those words he stops causing Cheryl to slam into him and falling to the ground. Brendan manages to keep his balance and just stares down at Cheryl.

"What?" I'm gonna get us killed?" He looks up and he freezes. His whole body locks up. Then within a second he starts shouting "Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" He walks over Cheryl and grabs a steel pipe that was just thrown on the floor.

"Brendan no! Put that down!" Cheryl almost reaches him but has to jump back when Brendan swings the pipe back and then slams it into a cars window. The window cracks into a million pieces and they go flying everywhere. Some tiny shards hit Cheryl but most hit Brendan before falling to the floor. Cheryl thinks he would stop at this but he doesn't because then another window shatters, followed by another. At this point Cheryl is taking cover behind a car.

"Fucking piece of shit!" Brendan breaks another window. "This is for that night you slammed my head against the wall." Another window. "This is when you tackled me to the floor and broke my wrist." Another one. "Remember the first time you punched me in the face?" One last window. He finally stops when Cheryl has her arms wrapped around him. He looks down and sees them both covered with small glinting shards of glass. He drops the pipe and looks around finally seeing everyone around him. Everyone has their mouth open and pointing at them. "I'm sorry." Whether he is saying it to Cheryl or someone else they both don't know as they get no time to talk as Brendan goes limp and faints in his sisters' arms. She can't hold him up and before security reaches them they both hit the glass covered pavement.

Cheryl lets him go in order to kneel by him and look over at the security running towards them. "Wait wait wait. I'll pay for the repairs ok. He's just been working a lot and hasn't been sleeping well and he sorta lost it. When he comes too he will be fine I promise."

As soon as she finishes her sentence Brendan wakes up and looks around.

"Sir do you mind coming with us?" One of the security guards is motioning for him to get up.

Brendan stares at him before looking at Cheryl and then feeling blood dripping down his face and arms. "What the fuck?" He gives one last look and finally sees everything around him. The cars. The windows. Cheryl. "Sis I'm sorry." He's just about to reach over to her to try brushing away the glass from her arms but is picked up by one of the security guards. "Mate how about you not push the glass into my skin dumbass." He gets moved along towards the security building and he drops his head down to avoid seeing his coworker's faces. Cheryl is about to follow when she gets stopped by one of the directors.

"Cheryl mind coming to our office immediately. Everyone else get back to work." And just that quickly everyone spreads apart and go back to their sections as Cheryl drags her feet all the way to the director's office.

"Alright Cheryl just lie your ass off." Cheryl says to herself as she enters the office. They motion her to sit and she does and then sees she still has some glass on her. She slams her hand across her eyes as she knows there's nothing she can say at this point to get them out of this. She dusts off the last bits off her and stares at the people across the desk from her with no expression.

"Umm well I really don't know where to start. That was...umm I don't even know. I never seen that before, it's like I was in a movie. We all noticed little things changing in his personality over the months but thought it was nothing. That maybe next week he would be back to himself. But it never happened. Then we started seeing his performance at work start to suffer. He would forget patients and not even check on them for hours. One was in excruciating pain and needed her pain medications every 4 hours and he gave her one dose in the whole day. One pill Cheryl. He didn't even give her the right dose. We reduced his patients thinking he would get it together but it only got worst. He showed no compassion for any of his patients. Let one of his physical therapy patients literally fall over and didn't even help her up! He is the best physical therapists we have here or had in here. But now...he's the last nurse in performance scores. This has been ongoing and I can't have more patients in harm's way. So we discussed it and we are officially suspending Brendan till he gets himself together. Whether that's a month or a year, it's on him. We respect him and feel for everything he's been through so his job is always waiting for him. When or if he feels he is ready to come back, we will meet with him alone and make our decision."

Cheryl has been to many of these meetings where they talk to her about another mistake Brendan did or what he didn't do. She was always able to somehow get him out of it but this time she doesn't try. She knows they are right.

"You can go Cheryl. Thank you."

She nods and walks out. She goes to the security building to see if Brendan is still in there. When she walks in she sees him on a chair with one wrist handcuffed to a table. He notices her and lifts up the hand and shrugs. They both actually smile before realizing this isn't a good moment.

"So they tell you anything?" Cheryl asks as she sits down.

"Nope. Although they been on the phone for a while so I'm kinda concerned about that."

They wait in silence for another 30 minutes before one of the security guards walks out the building. They lean back to see theirs an ambulance parked outside, but that's normal it's a hospital after all. What's not normal is the fact that it's not one of their ambulances.

"Shit, I'm screwed." Brendan says when both the guard and 2 paramedics walk in.

"What's going on?" Cheryl gets up and walks in front of Brendan.

"We're sorry but we had to call this in. We went through the rules and procedures. And this is protocol. Sorry but he has to be admitted into a psychiatric facility for 72 hours to make sure he's not a danger to others and to himself."

Usually if anything happens they always just release him to go home for a day or two but this is the first time this is happening.

"I'm not insane I don't need 72 hours at a crazy ward. I'm not going." He starts panicking which ends up being a bad idea as the paramedics go to grab him. "Fucking let me go! I'm not crazy!" It gets to the point that one of the paramedics has to inject him with a tranquilizer. Brendan slowly feels himself losing any control of his arms or legs and crumbles into the paramedic's arms. They strap him in and put him in the ambulance as Cheryl keeps screaming at them that he doesn't need this. Brendan can't focus his eyes and everything is getting blurry. He thinks he sees Cheryl run towards him as the doors shut close.

Tuesday 5:17 PM

Brendan has just been sitting at the nurses' station. He isn't even an admitting nurse but for some odd reason he sat down behind that counter and became one. He assumes he isn't following the correct procedures for admitting patients but so far no one has said anything.

He gets so bored he actually starts cleaning the counters and watering the small plants they have their to show ambience as they say. He notices some nurses just look at him oddly but he does technically have authorization to be in this wing. He can't take it anymore so he just fires himself from admitting nurse and gets out his phone.

To:Anne

Where did we leave the leftover whiskey?

He just goes to the break room as he assumes he has nothing to do at the moment. His phone vibrates and he quickly grabs it.

From:Anne

I finished it. Oops.

To:Anne

Fuck you.

He gets up and decides to make it appear like he's working as he only has a bit left of his shift left. He goes back to the North Wing and goes to Stes old room. He cleans it and organizes it so that another patient can use it. He steps out the room and marks the outside that it's available now. He moves things to their proper spot and when he finishes it looks better than it's ever been.

"Ey! You mess this up I'm gonna slam your face into this damn counter, you got it?"

The nurse Brendan was basically threatening nods frantically and even cleans the small area he was at. When Brendan looks at the time it's pretty close to 6 so he just clocks out. He wasn't going to make a difference in 3 minutes.

He sees Anne all the way across the building as he is by the lobby and she waves. He flicks her off but then waves and points towards the door signaling his out. The walk to his car isn't eventful as it was before. Right as he is opening the door his phone beeps.

From:Steven

When do you get out? Or go on break? You haven't text or called.

Brendan just deletes it and gets inside his car before driving back home.

Tuesday 7:34 PM

"Traffic was a bitch. Literally no accident or anything but these stupid idiots hiting the break like they gonna crash into air." Brendan is nearly shouting. He blames the alcohol.

"Relax man. It's not like it's that different from the other days. You always take about an hour."

Brendan just stares at Warren and throws his empty bottle at him. Missing completely and shattering against the wall. "You weren't supposed to move Foxy. Now I gotta clean that up."

"How drunk are you?"

"Pot calling the kettle black. You drank more than me. And look look-" Brendan gets up and grabs the broom "-see I didn't even trip once."

"Moron." Warren barely mumbles it as Brendan cleans up the mess. "Hey mate you alright? You seem a bit out of it."

"I'm fine. I'll admit I'm a bit drunk though." He finishes up and throws himself onto the sofa. "Just got a lot on my head I guess."

Warren doesn't push him on it and just stays seated on the table as the room goes quiet. After a couple minutes Brendan is knocked out on the sofa. Warren laughs and throws a blanket over him before he leaves his house. "See ya mate."

He stands at the edge of the pier as he watches the waves crash upon them. Cheryl is sitting on a bench a couple feet behind him with their dad next to her. She wanted to go to the pier so their dad agreed and Brendan had no say in the matter so he has to go along with them. He was going to say he's 15 and can stay at home by himself but he really didn't want to get beat later on so he kept his mouth shut. He hears Cheryl and Seamus laughing at. They're happy. He's not.

"Brendan come sit with us." Cheryl shouts from behind him.

Brendan turns and his face shows nothing but anger. He turns back around to see the water as it hits the concrete over and over again. He tilts his head and the waves almost hypnotize him. He thinks he hears people screaming. He thinks he hears Cheryl shouting his name. But it's all a blur. He just sees water and concrete. He sometimes feels a hand grab him but them it's disappears. Brendan then feels his lungs struggling to breath. He doesn't know why because all he is doing is standing on the pier. He finds it odd that he can feel water on him. That's when he finally snaps out of it and realizes he's deep in the water. He can't remember even stepping off the pier. Slowly the pier starts distancing from him. Brendan notices he's not even trying to swim back; he's just letting it wash him away. He wants it to just pull him under.

Right before he goes under an arm wraps around his torso and pulls him up so water doesn't keep repeatedly hitting him. He starts seeing the pier again and then he is being pulled back onto it. He never was drowning so he just spits some water out and tries completely opening his eyes.

"Bren! What the hell?!" Are you ok?" Cheryl is next to him brushing his hair back.

His eyes are bright red because of the water but he finally can see clearly. That's when he notices that Seamus is soaked. It hits him that his father was the one that pulled him out. Of course he would. He wants to be seen as a great dad and he also needs his "sex slave" as he is called many times.

Seamus kneels next to him and smiles. Brendan hates when he smiles at him. For some reason he spits straight into his face and can see Seamus eyes flicker to hate but no one else sees it.

"Come on kids lets go home. Brendan is probably shaken up after he fell off that pier. He needs to rest. Brendan can you walk or you need help."

Brendan watches as his dad puts on his fake caring loving father figure in front of everyone. "I don't need your help." He lifts himself up like nothing happened and starts walking ahead of Cheryl and Seamus.

They make it home and Brendan opens the door so hard it makes a dent in the wall. Seamus starts shouting at him to come back and explain himself but he doesn't. He keeps walking as Seamus follows behind spitting out cruel words to him. Brendan doesn't even flinch. He walks into his room and opens the closet door pulling out a bat from it. Seamus stops right at the entrance of Brendan's room.

"Brenda what are you doing?" Seamus starts advancing towards him.

"Couldn't love me if you tried. Am I still not good enough? Am I still not worth that much? You couldn't change me if you tried. This is all I can be." Brendan lifts the bat up and just stares at Seamus.

"You're making no sense Brenda, I think that failed suicide attempt messed-"

Brendan cuts him off when he swings the bat and it almost hits Seamus in the head. He swings again breaking the lamp completely. "Messed me up? I been messed up! I'm tired of being what you want me to be. Lost under the surface. Don't know what you're expecting of me. Every step that I take is another mistake to you. I become so numb. Everything that you thought I would be is falling apart right in front of you. You were just like me with someone disappointed in you. All I want to do is be more like me and less like you. Tired of being what you want me to be."

At this point even Seamus is looking at him like he really has lost his mind.

"Look what you've done to me. I know I'll never leave these walls."

And that's when he losses it and starts swinging the bat destroying everything in his room. Even Seamus has to duck and move. He smashes the windows in his room. Then starts repeatedly hitting a drawer busting it right open. All his stuff in it go flying. Seamus looks as syringes, coke bags, and tons of pills come out of the drawer.

"I didn't raise a drug addict Brenda!" Seamus grabs a syringe and breaks it.

Brendan just smiles at him. "Don't worry Da I only use them every day." And he finally takes the final swing hitting Seamus right across his skull.

Tuesday 11:34 PM

Brendan woke up when he rolled off the sofa and fell face flat on the tile flooring.

"Bloody hell! My face!" He slowly gets up and walks to his room. He figures he will clean the table in the morning. Or get Warren to do it as it's mainly his mess. He trips once going up the stairs and falls into his room. He considers just going to sleep on the floor where he belongs but decides against it as his back already hurts.

He crawls to his bed and lifts himself up into it. He looks around his room. It's clean and organized. Everything is in its place. He laughs when the irony of how he presents himself outside is a lie when the inside is actually the truth, it's a mess inside. Everything is thrown all over. Nothing is organized. No pieces fit where they are supposed to.

He picks up his phone and sees 2 texts from Steven but he doesn't even open them, just deletes them. He looks through the pictures and theirs a few of him and Steven but once you go back you have pictures taken a year or two ago. Theirs pictures of him and Cheryl, and some have Anne photo bombing them. A few with him and Warren completely drugged up and looking like murderers. In fact in one picture it looks like they just gotten out of a fight. Theirs some of just him that he can't figure out who would have taken them but he's usually not facing the camera, he's looking opposite it. The few where he is looking at the lens he doesn't look right. He looks lost. As if he is somewhere else at that moment. It freaks him out for some reason so he throws the phone onto the floor.

He gets up after about an hour of just lying on the bed and walks up to the mirror. He looks down his arm and follows the scar to his finger. Brendan looks up to the mirror and all he can see is the scar. He closes his eyes then hears "Brenda". His eyes open immediately and sees him in the mirror. The next second the mirror is shattered by Brendan's hand.

Wednesday 8:33 AM

"Knew he wouldn't show up."

"Ste he still has like 30 minutes left till his appointment...and didn't you say yourself that he is always late. So just relax and sit down for fucks sake." Amy motions for Ste to sit next to her on the bench outside the Psychologist office. "For all you know he's already in the hospital since he works here and could be doing some work before he comes."

Ste busts out laughing then covers his mouth before more people stare at them. "Sorry Ames but Brendan doing work ahead of time is like him being early...it's not humanly possible."

They people watch for a few minutes and at one point Amy even starts chewing her nails in anxiousness. Ste notices and that's when he starts doubting that Brendan is going to show up.

"What time you got?"

"Umm...8:49." Amy taps on her watch and leans forward to look down the hall, but sees nothing. "Well you know he's gonna be late. That's what it's gonna be."

"Yeah sure sure." Ste then leans forward to look down the hall and sees Cheryl talking to someone but the person is hidden by the wall. She looks like she's really into the conversation though. Her hands sometimes frantically go in the air and then other times she starts pointing at random directions. The conversation ends and he sees she's coming down the hall but the other person never comes through. Cheryl notices and does an odd double take.

"Oh...hi love." She looks at the office next to him. "Umm you alright?"

"What? Oh yeah yeah. This isn't what it looks like." Ste thinks she knows but she doesn't show anything.

"Ok well...good luck with...umm all that." She does an awkward hand motion and continues down the hall and turns.

"See she would have said something if he was coming. There's no way she doesn't know he has an appointment here."

"Ste ! Just shut it. You're making me nervous." Amy gets up and starts pacing now.

"What-"

"It's freaking 8:54 ok. You got a phone why don't you just check it instead of asking me every minute. And by the way right here-" she points to a sign hanging on the door "-patients are allowed to be 15 minutes late before the appointment is cancelled, so technically he has time. Now just shut up." Amy sits back down with her arms crossed.

They sit there in silence for what seems like forever. They both keep looking side to side every second but don't say a word.

Wednesday 8:54 AM

"I just think it's a sign you know."

"Shut the fuck up. It's not a sign. You know what it is? You not fucking checking you're oil level. I'll take your car to the shop and get it fixed as soon as I drop you off."

Brendan sits in the passenger seat with his arms crossed as Warren drives like a lunatic.

"Mate I can be 15 minutes late. And we're like 5 minutes away so I rather not die before getting there. Slow down."

"Hypocrite." Warren knows how Brendan drives and if you were to pick someone to drive you it would most definitely not be Brendan.

After a few minutes they both realize they weren't as close as they thought so they resorted back to Warren driving like a lunatic.

"Fuck. You're just gonna have to pull up to the entrance and then I gotta book it all the way there." Brendan looks down at his watch.

"What level is it on?" Warren takes one of his shortcuts.

"5th level. It's at least close to the elevator but I gotta wait for the damn thing to get to me. What time you got? I got 9:07." Brendan's knee keeps going up and down.

"Same. But we are just pulling up. Get ready to run mate."

Brendan leans forward and unlocks the door and holds the handle as Warren makes a remarkable turn which puts them right at the entrance. If they had time they would probably celebrate with a beer. Brendan pulls open the door and doesn't look back.

"I'm proud of you little bro." Warren shouts as he is closing the passenger door. It makes Brendan stop for a second.

"Thanks." Is all Brendan says quietly before turning around and running again. Warren smiles before driving away.

Brendan almost slides on the floor but clicks the button for the elevator. "Come on. Come on." He looks down at his watch again. "If you don't fucking open now I will literally kill you." Brendan looks behind him and sees a few people just staring at him. He slowly turns back to the elevator that finally shows up and jumps in and says screw it to the other people and makes no effort to hold the door open for anyone. It closes with only 2 other people getting in. "Mate what time you got?"

"Umm...9:12"

"Fuck! Oh ummm...thanks."

The door finally opens on the 5th floor and Brendan busts through it and runs. He sees both Amy and Ste with their heads down. He finally makes it to the door at 9:14.

"Good morning!" Brendan shouts at both of them as he flies through the office doors. He signs in at exactly 9:15 AM. He collapses onto a chair and tries getting his breathing back to normal. "I need to get in shape again."

Ste and Amy both slowly enter the office and stare at Brendan like he is a ghost. "You're here?" Ste asks.

"Why wouldn't I be here? My car didn't want to start today so I had to call Warren and he doesn't live exactly close to me. But nonetheless I'm here. Good god I really am out of shape." Brendan just lies back as much as he can to relax.

Ste smiles at Amy and goes to seat next to Brendan. Amy waves and leaves the office. "I gotta say you always keep people on edge."

"Not on purpose. This universe just hates me."

They sit in silence and Brendan finally gets himself together to where his heart doesn't feel like it's going to explode out his chest. It's only about 10 minutes before Brendan gets called. He breathes in and then out before looking at Ste.

"You'll be fine. I promise I'll be here when you come out. Remember you're not doing this alone anymore." Ste leans over and gives him a soft kiss "love you".

Brendan nods and gets up and follows the lady to the room. He walks in and gets a warm smile from the psychologist. Brendan takes and seat and returns the smile. "Hey."

"Glad you choose to come in Brendan. I know what a great physical therapist you are here but I know with a little help we can get your life back together. I spoke to Cheryl a few times when she needed to talk things through. So I hope that this works for you as much as it's helped your sister stay on track. Remember you can tell me anything and it doesn't leave these four walls. Why don't we just start easily and you can just tell me how you are feeling today, at this moment."

Brendan at one point stopped listening then has to tune himself back into what was being said.

"Umm...alright how do I feel today? I feel fine I guess."

"Brendan this is a place where you don't need to pretend that you're fine. Out there you do it to protect everyone around you. You have so many people's problems on your shoulders including your own and you carry them every day. And as each day goes by you slowly start falling. Eventually if you just keep doing this you're gonna fall. You are at the end of the rope Brendan. Both you and I know it. This is your last option for you and I think you made the decision to come here because you can't do it anymore and before you decide to finally give up completely you are making one last attempt to win. To win this war you are having inside you. And you can do it Brendan. I just need you to give me the real you. The person that's inside, the little kid in there, the man who sits in front of me. Just give me that person behind the mask."

Brendan listened to what he said the whole time with his arms crossed and he sometimes tilted his head at certain words. But he got it. He knows he's built a mask for everyone maybe it's time for him. He's always watched out for everyone else and never made himself the priority. He gave whatever he had left to everyone till he barely had a piece of himself to hold onto. It's his turn.

"I woke up from a nightmare. I was getting stabbed by my dad. I checked and made sure that I wasn't stabbed. It felt so real. It always feels like someone is there next to me. Drags me down. So how did I feel today? I felt the same as I always do. Tired. You said something that's right. This is my last attempt. I can't keep doing this. Every episode I have kills me a little more. I can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Because I see him. Everywhere. And it's real cause he's there. He truly feels like he's there. Like I never killed him. Like I'm still 16 living at that house. Still getting beat for no reason. Still hiding a secret that no child should ever have to hide. I don't think I ever mentally grew from that point. I was stuck. Frozen. My body moved and did whatever but my mind replayed the past. It always stops at that same moment. And then it goes blank. And this happens every day. I...I...I was raped. By my own father. Over and over again. It's funny everything I learned was from him and people expect me to be normal. I was raised by my rapist father. Turned out great huh? So here I am doc. Seamus Brady 2.0. Now tell me something? How do you get over killing your own father?

I didn't really edit this much so I'm sorry about the mistakes.