"Hello everyone! And welcome back to the latest installment of Truth or Dare Madness! We apologize for the (un)expected hiatus, and thank you for waiting patiently for our return. There have been multiple inconveniences, some fixed, some still in the process of being fixed. Nevertheless, we are here now, and, boy do we have a great chapter in store for you.
"Before we visit our characters, I, the Great-and-Powerful Authoress Rachel-You-Don't-Need-To-Know-My-Last-Name, am pleased to welcome my new co-authoress: Olivia! Or, as some of you may better know her as: livvykitty."
"Hey there everyone, it's absolutely lovely to be here!" The co-host has now not only taken over the spotlight, but the narration. She is rather tall, with the standard shortened brown hair, brown eyes and glasses. Basically, she looks as she often describes herself; like an anon with no life. "Wow, thanks for that. Well, it's great to be here, and it's absolutely lovely to see everyone here! I guess just as a quick list of interests, I'd say that I like writing, reading, roleplaying on Cherubplay and PARP, wasting my life on Tumblr..."
Olivia then had to pause to actually remember what she was going to say. "Oh! Right! Well, I'm here to help host, but you can send me some truths or dares. Gotta keep it interesting, and what's more interesting than asking me things?" Just about anything else. "Alright, just... My intro's over, so let's..."
"Now, our characters have gotten pretty bored of lying dormant these past few months, so let's go wake them up."
Olivia and Rachel run into the house where all the game (haha) players have been hibernating. The two girls walk up to each sleeping body individually and sprayed them with a water bottle like they were naughty cats until those being sprayed woke up in confusion. Both girls ran away from their target once they were sure they were awake, but not lucid enough to fully realize what just happened and get mad. When everyone in the room was woken up, Olivia stepped onto a pedestal in the front of the room and began her announcement.
"Alright! I have the most exciting news anyone in the history of Paradox Space can ever have!" The new hostess said, clapping her hands. This immediately got many inquiries and reactions.
"ARE WE FUCKING GOING HOME YET?" Silly Karkat.
"is there some sort of unironically shitty fan manga yaoi of me and karkat?"
"DAVE, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU ASK THAT. THAT WAS STUPID."
The girl shut them up with her next words, glaring at them pointedly before they could continue on, "Silly Karkat, that question was futile. And Dave, um. Don't look at Caliborn's Deviantart." Which any Homestuck fan can go to. The username is 'I-AM-YOUR-LORD'.
"We have the first dares! Isn't that exciting?" When she received groans, she sighed. "Rachel. Are they always this… melodramatic?"
"Sadly, yes. It's truly a struggle."
"Oh well. Onto our first dares, from a dear guest reviewer "fandomsforever":
John: confess your love to Dave in a completely ironic way
Kayana and Rose: go on a cute date and look your best
Aradia: wear the fedora be amazing
Sollux: torture Eridan
Kayana: MAGICALLY! Ascend god tier.
"I think I speak for everyone when I say that the first dare is definitely one that should have been done, like eight chapters ago," Olivia said, sipping on some soda from a red solo cup. No, there was actual soda in there. It was, however, a concoction of Pepsi and Coca-Cola.
One might even call it… Pepsi-Cola.
For once, John did so without complaint. He went and got his bunny, and Dave realized this was the fucking Con Air bunny scene being reenacted, and then came the moment where John finally said, "I love you…
"…as a moirail! Ha!" He laughed at the dares, grinning. "It never, never said what kind of love I was confessing, and on the troll quadrant system moirailegiance is love!"
Karkat actually wiped his eyes. "THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. ALSO, YOU FINALLY UNDERSTAND ALL I'VE BEEN TEACHING. GOG AM I PROUD." Karkat then realized that feeling proud was ducking weird and he didn't actually like it.
Rose raised an eyebrow at her own dare. "Is 'Kayana' then name of one of Caliborn's 'totally original female characters'? Because the way she was portrayed in Homosuck annoyed the hell out of me and all of my dark magyks mysteriously ended up localizing through her chest. I haven't the faintest clue why. Those elder Gods sure can be random." She took Kanaya's hand, smiling. "I would much rather go on a dare with Kanaya."
The troll smiled, leaning her head on Rose's shoulder.
Aradia suddenly not only had the fedora on her head, but was decked out in a fell (troll) Indiana Jones cosplay. She gave a wink and cracked her whip in the air, grinning far too widely. "I already am!"
And when Sollux realized it was his turn for a dare, he grinned mischievously. Then, he took Eridan's cape and slowly, very slowly, began to rip it in half. Eridan could only watch in horror, and halfway through, sollux stopped. "actually, ii thiink fii2hface need2 2ome mu2iic two lii2ten two whiile thii2 goe2 on…" so he slammed headphones on Eridan's head and, holy shit, Sollux was evil that day.
It was Justin Bieber.
Eridan was dragged off into a nice padded room to finish his torment, and suddenly, there was a green light. Rose's eye twitched. "Are you kidding me?"
It was a crappily drawn 'original character' of Caliborn's. It looked just like Kanaya in ugly clothing and fabrics that didn't go together in color and texture. She somehow couldn't even pull off the black and white of the outfit (if it could be called an outfit) she wore, and as everyone knows, black and white is the easiest shit it match.
Then, she was chopped in half. Kanaya looked at her (evil) double's scribbily jade soaked corpse and squinted. "My Hand Slipped. Terribly Sorry. I Suppose Those Elder Gods Are At Work Again."
"Well… that happened," Rachel broke the awkward silence.
"Corpse party!" Aradia cheered.
"Hm, maybe later. Right now we have more dares to catch up on."
From: sjklantchnck
I dare Kanaya to wear the ugliest outfit she can find for the entire chapter.
I dare Karkat to sing matespritship to eridan
And finally, I dare Sollux to dress up in a bee themed maids dress for the entire chapter.
"Okay, first of all, what even is your username? I had to like quadruple check I spelt it right. But I mean, you do you, man. Live your life," Rachel complained.
"Well, I Cannot Seem To Find Any Ugly Outfits, So I Suppose I Will Just Have To Remain Wearing What I Currently Have On." Kanaya smiled to herself at the loophole.
Eridan and Sollux get dragged out of the torture room so they can participate in their dares. Eridan looks pretty banged up, but relieved to be liberated, while Sollux on the other hand, looks grumpy that his fun was over.
"UGH, FINE LET'S JUST GET THIS FUCKING OVER WITH." Rachel hands Karkat the printed out lyrics to Matespritship and has him stand on the pedestal from earlier. Eridan is seated on the floor directly in front of Karkat.
To everyone's surprise, Karkat's voice is pretty nice, and scarily similar to the voice of Broadway Karkat.
By the time Karkat finished, Eridan was in tears. "t-thank you kar."
"HEY, THIS DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE REALLY FUCKING MOIRAILS, DIPSHIT. YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN."
"gog fuckiing dammiit," Siollux muttered as he was suddenly changed into a bee-looking maid's outfit.
"Say hello to instagram," Rachel snickered as she and Olivia snapped photos of him. Once the girls were satisfied with the number of embarrassing pictures they had taken, it was time for the next dare.
"Okay we have a guest who left a very inappropriate dare…"
:Dave, have sx with the hottest dude you can see
"Dave, you dare is very porn, and I cannot allow it. We gotta keep this shit PG. Sloppy makeouts are fine, but frickle frackle is too porn," Rachel explained.
"s'cool. not like i could do myself anyway." Dave winks even though no one can see it due to the opaqueness of his shades. But he knows. He knows. And, to him, that's all that matters
"Oh my god someone's gonna write a fic now of you fucking yourself. If it hasn't even done already, which, now that I think about it, I'm sure it has," Rachel muttered under her breath. "She sighed and shook her head, then turned to face the audience, effectively causing a brand new and significant crack to appear in the fourth wall. "But if anybody wants me to write a quick one shot of Dave fucking another Homestuck boy, or anyone really, shoot me a message and I'll probably write it. Just not here."
"wait, what?"
"Okay! The next dare is from a friend of mine who has left many dares in the past: Rubicksmaster! (Sorry this is so late Rubicks, I know you ordered this a while ago and it is long over due)
I have one small request. I dare Vriska and Kanaya to watch the youtubers Minx and Krism play a game (any game, it doesn't matter to me), and then hear their thoughts. (I think that if Kanaya and Vriska had a gaming channel on Youtube, it would be something similar to that).
"Oh! I have the absolutely most perfect gameplay I've seen these two Youtubers do!" Olivia exclaimed, then pulled a laptop out of her Sylladex after quickly writing on it. She searched on Youtube and then realized something which may or may not be vaguely important to this.
"Aren't these two Youtubers engaged?"
That's right. Minx and Krism were engaged. And Vriska and Kanaya could have been a thing, if not for... the incident that happened.
The one in canon.
Then again, there are a lot of incidents that happen in canon, and Olivia just shrugged, deciding to focus on actually giving their reactions to the video. The particular video Olivia had picked was the two of them playing the Impossible Quiz, which was the most likely to get the most out of their personalities, with Minx screaming and getting progressively more infuriated and Krism trying to simultaneously calm her down and figure out the game's logic. The fact that this is basically exactly what would happen if Kanaya and Vriska had a gaming channel was not lost to our favorite Virgo troll.
"This Is Precisely What Our Gaming Channel Would End Up Being Like."
"Whaaaaaaaat?" Vriska, on the other hand, was not so convinced, "Come oooooooon, we 8oth know th8t's not true. I would never l8se my shit like th8t, and you would 8e fussing a l8t m8re than th8t, Fussyfangs!"
"I Believe You Are Mistaken." Uh oh. This could evolve into an argument if not taken care of soon enough. So the newest co-host decided to interrupt and possibly save the day!
"Ahem! I have an announcement!" She didn't expect everyone to look at her. Well hell. Now she actually had to saysomething. "I... uh... wanted to say... That I... That I'm not cleaning up any blood if you decide to go after each other!"
Well, that got awkward. Way to go, Olivia.
"Let's just... move on to the next dare. Okay, our next dare comes from nonexistentBeing:
Hi guys! Just so ya know I DON'T FANGIRL.
*Gives Tavvie chicken nuggets* I dare you to hang out with me Tavros, y'know, teach me to play Fudispawn, allow me to teach you to play pokemon, read some Pupa Pan, and give me a hug.
Gamzee I dare you to go watch all the "Llama with Hats" and reenact all of them with Tavros where Tavvie's Paul and you're Carl. *gives Gamzee faygo*
Sollux I dare you to eat REGULAR honey. *hands Sol a jar of regular honey* Also I wanna know why it's so bad to eat mind honey (but I won't ever eat it) (oh, and your lithp ith adorkable!)
Karkat, I dare you to watch all of the Veggietales episodes. All of them. *gives Karkat candy*
Eridan. Feferi. Seaworld. Now.
Equius, tell me the truth. What does lusus milk taste like? *gives Equkitty a towel*
Nepeta. The UPS shipping store. Now. *gives Nepurrta catnip*
Kanaya, why a chainsaw? So much blood and gore! *gives Kan a scarf I knitted*
Vriska, spend the whole chapter covered in the most venomous spiders in existence. YOU. CAN. NOT. MOVE. OR. THEY. WILL. BITE. YOU. AND. YOU. WILL. DIE.
Aradia. Kitchen. Now.
Terezi, wanna hang out sometime? *gives Terezi a box of red chalk*
John, do the windy thing and PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX!
Rose wanna knit together sometime?
Jade: Be awesome
Dave: Be ironic
All of y'all, ROADTRIP TO LEGOLAND WHERE I SHALL JOIN YOU AND WE WILL ALL WATCH THE LEGO MOVIE TOGETHER!
Hope that wasn't too much. I'll be back! *hugs the adorable Tavvie and flies away on a rainbow with narwhals and axolotls*
"… Wow," Olivia was actually sort of speechless.
"Wait, there's one more."
"Wow, it's almost like an Oxyclean commercial. But wait, THERE'S MORE!" Olivia wasn't speechless anymore.
nonexistentBeing:
Back again!
Rachel. Now, #faygoisforreal
"You know, I love how some things have just decided to universally become canon," Olivia piped up, "I mean, it never canonicaly states that Tavros likes chicken nuggets. We don't know that Dave's middle name is actually Elizabeth. We just all one day came to a general consensus that, yes, this is the truth. The Homestuck fandom is beautiful." You know, once you got past the entire every main character has died at least once or twice thing.
Tavros was very much happy with his chicken nuggets, and agreed to go hang out with Being. Being appeared, but only to hug Tavros and give Gamzee a faygo. Gamzee is immensely happy about this faygo. Olivia handed him his laptop, which had the shorts playing, but Olivia spoke again, shaking her head.
"I'm afraid that we won't be recreating all four shorts, as it is time consuming and, even for the first one, we would need to kill a human. We are not killing any humans. I and Rachel are overwhelmingly human for example." Olivia then tried to offer some comfort. "I'll write up all four and post them soon though, alright? You can have that. Alright Rachel, play this out!"
Rachel just looked at her cohost, confused, mostly because what she said didn't make too much sense. Instead, she just decided to move on.
A jar of honey gets thrusted in the palms of the troll wearing the totally ironic bee-maid outfit. "ju2t. NEVER. eat. the miind honey," he deadpans. Tentatively, he unscrews the jar and dips a single finger inside. He sniffs the now honey-coated finger once before proceeding to stick his tongue out and lick it. "holy ball2 thii2 2hiit ii2 good!" Sollux exclaims and devours the rest of the jar.
"THIS IS DUMB." Karkat complained as he sat down in front of the TV set and was forced to watch Veggietales. Oh well, at least he had some candy to gnaw on.
About five minutes in he starts to complain again. "IT'S TOTALLY UNREALISTIC. VEGETABLES CAN'T SING YOU IDIOTIC NOOKSNIFFERS. AND EVEN IF THEY COULD, WHY WOULD THEY SING ABOUT HUMAN JEGUS?"
Suddenly Feferi and Eridan appearify into Seaworld. "Oh my cod," Feferi whispers in shock and horror. ") (ow could you people treat t) (ese poor sea creatures so CRU-EL?!"
"Um, thank you lowb100d," Equius accepts the generously given towel and uses it to wipe away some of his perspiration. "I imagine it tastes the same as human hoofbeast milk."
Nepeta's ears perk up. "There's a store for shipurring? Let's go!" So Nepeta goes to the UPS store with high hopes, nibbling in catnip along the way. When it finally comes into view, her little eyes bug out and she runs inside as fast as she can.
"wait… w-where are all the shipurring walls? All I see are boxes are boxes!" The cat trill realizes she has been tricked and runs back to Equikitty for comfort.
I hope you're happy. She had so much hope. And you crushed her dreams. For shame.
Kanaya wrapped the rather comfortable and fashionable knitted scarf around her neck as she answered. "I Have Found That The Chainsaw, While Messy, Is Also A Quick And Easy Way To Get The Job Done." In the background, Eridan shuddered, and Gamzee inched away.
"Aw shit! I have the woooooooorst luck!"
Aradia stands up and calmly walks into the kitchen. "0kay… what n0w?"
"OH MY GOG 1 LOV3 R3D CH4LK! OH COURS3 W3 C4N H4NG OUT! H3H3."
John.
John. Put the bunny back in the box.
"Never!" The blue boy cried out. He does the windy thing but only to escape having to put the bunny back in the box.
Olivia and Rachel look at each other and nod. Wordlessly, the two join forces, and with both of their super awesome authoress powers combined, they are able to put a stop to the windy boy, and force him to stop doing the windy thing and put the bunny back in the box.
"Hey! You can't do that!" John shouts indignantly.
"It's my story I can do whatever the hell I want!" Rachel yells back at him.
Rose blinks after all the commotion before answering her question. "That sounds lovely."
Nothing happens to Jade and Dave because Jade is already awesome and Dave is already ironic.
It wasn't long before everyone, cast and authoresses, were away to Legoland with our dear reviewer. However, just as quickly as they were in, they were kicked out, because really, you can never put a finger on what the trolls would do. As seen in such examples such as the videos 'Storestuck', 'Schoolstuck', and 'Amusement Parkstuck', these guys really couldn't be trusted anywhere. Unfortunately, Legoland was accidentally set ablaze. The only reason it still stands today is the discreet Author power to turn back the clock and wipe everyone's memory of that dare. We apologize for the inconvenience, Being.
And now, here we are, going back to our darling little Rachel.
Rachel sighs. "You want me to drink faygo don't you?" The authoress accepts her fate and snags a bottle from Gamzee when he isn't paying attention. Which really isn't a difficult task in the slightest, considering how zoned out he is from the rest of the world.
"Hm. Pretty good, actually."
"hey. psst. do you know what that shit's made of?" Dave whispers in Rachel's ear.
"No…" Rachel answers slowly as she grows apprehensive.
"gay clown piss."
The girl is unsure of whether to believe him or not. The guy is a total douchebag who would say dumb shit like that just to troll people, however she doesn't want to take any chances. As she debates whether to shove to ironic cool kid or vomit, she catches a glimpse of the clown troll out of the clorner of her eye. "Jegus fuck," she mutters.
"Before we go, we have one last dare from a guest reviewer," Olivia announced in an attempt to get everyone back on track.
:Ok sorry I forgot something.
Nepeta, read warriors by Erin Hunter and then go on to the warriors new lake rpg on ROBLOX
"Bruh, warriors was the hit. It was like my life in sixth grade. I'm pretty sure those were the only books I read all year," Rachel informs Nepeta and hands her the entire first series.
"To be honest, I was never able to get into it..." Olivia admits, ironic for someone who's pen name is 'livvykitty'. She then recedes away into herself, embarrassed.
"It's all about cats!" Nepeta exclaims happily as she begins reading. She and Rachel stay up all night reading, and they convince Dave to do some time stuff so by the next morning Nepeta has finished every warriors book ever written.
The cat troll was quite eager to join the Roblox, and was instantly enchanted with the game. She began playing extensively on a provided laptop, and will likely still be there next chapter.
"Okay, and that's all we have this time folks. Drop a quick review or send me (Obsessivefangirl03) a message if you have any dares or questions for any of our characters.
"See you next update…"
Olivia set herself back down on the couch, and looked about. "Oh yeah, the chapter's over... Should I make snacks for everyone next time? Or should I just say bye? Actually, that would make sense...
"Goodbye, everyone! And happy late New Years!"