Chapter Three

Was it over, or was he going to come back? Freyja lay very still, listening to the songbirds sing in the garden, watching the sun creep over the distant mountains. If it was not for the coldness of her skin she could have convinced herself it was just a nightmare. But it hadn't been. It had been real.

I can't let my daughters find me like this.

The thought was sluggish in her brain, but it made her move. She ran a bath to wash herself. She tried not to think, but everything was coming back to her in bright flashes of sense and colour. She felt wholly irreparable.

Why?

Freyja lowered herself into the steaming waters, reminding herself about her daughters, telling herself that for their sake she must not sink under the water and hold her breath until everything went black.

Why did you do this to me?

She washed herself quickly, then gathered up all the bedclothes and pillows and tied them in a giant knot. She would burn them all. She washed herself again, unable to stop the memories. She dressed in her most modest gown, made her bed, and then went downstairs to prepare for the girls' return. It was only when she had the dining room set, everything ready to eat, that she realised that it was at least seven hours until they returned from Vanaheim.

Her hands began trembling, her breath growing ragged, and she collapsed against the counter in the kitchen, sobs ripping though her.

"Why?" she cried aloud. "Why?"

Her whole body was rocked with sobs when she heard a noise behind her. She grabbed a knife and spun around, determined that he would not touch her again! But it wasn't Atum standing in the doorway. It was Gaea.

"Mother?"

The knife dropped from Freyja's hand. Gaea rushed forward, embracing her.

"What happened? I felt- I thought that you-"

Freyja clung to her mother, sobbing so hard that it hurt. Gaea half-carried her into the den, where they sat on the sofa. Gaea patiently rocked Freyja back and forth as she sobbed, singing softly. Eventually, Freyja calmed enough to hear it.

"What happened, baby?" Gaea asked quietly, brushing Freyja's limp hair back from her face. "I felt pure terror and horror from you and Atum both."

Freyja shuddered at the name. "He... He came here last night... I decided to let him stay, because he looked... but then..." she shivered violently, burying her face into Gaea's shoulder. "He... he forced me."

Gaea went rigid. "What?"

"He took off my clothes and made me lie down and... all night." Freyja's sobs broke her voice again.

"Atum?"

"Maybe it wasn't him," Freyja babbled. "Maybe it was something else a... a demon or a shape shifter or maybe I just had a bad dream..."

Gaea rubbed her hand in small circles on Freyja's back. "Let me see."

Freyja shook her head. "No! No, I don't want to go through that again."

"I know. I know, baby. But it's the only way to know for sure. Just think of the beginning, stop it when you need to."

Freyja closed her eyes and nodded. Gaea gently placed her hands against Freyja's temples. The memory came back, as vivid as when she had first lived through it. Atum standing in her doorway, his expression hollow. His sudden grab at her. Freyja broke contact with her mother, bending over as the sick feeling of shame washed over her.

Gaea's face was utterly ashen. Freyja knew by the horror on her face that she had seen all she needed to in that memory.

"It was Atum. Every time he comes here, the innocent suffer." Freyja pressed her palms against her eyes. Was she among those innocent, or was she stained by sin? "Why does he hate me so much? Why would he do that? What did I do wrong?"

"No," Gaea said, fervently. "You did nothing wrong, Freyja. This is his sin, his evil. It is not your fault. Don't ever think that this is because of something you did. A man has no right to touch a woman when she does not want him. Look at me." Freyja looked up through watery eyes. Gaea smoothed her hair, her own eyes overflowing. "I don't know why he would do this, but it is not your fault!"

Freyja's voice worked on its own, quiet, dead, as she whispered. "But I... I had an orgasm, Mother. Every time."

"That means nothing!" Gaea shook her head. "It does not mean that you wanted it, or enjoyed it. And it doesn't mean that your body betrayed you. It means that your body reacted the way it had to in order to protect itself from being damaged. It means nothing more than that."

"Did you? When Chthon... When you conceived At-" She couldn't say his name.

Gaea pulled her daughter in close. "He made sure that I did. He used it as justification. But it wasn't, and isn't, and never will be."

Freyja sobbed in her mother's arms for a moment, and then pulled herself away. She dragged her palm across her eyes and stood, straightening her gown. "Frey and the girls will be back shortly, I need to make sure lunch is ready. Will you be staying?"

"Freyja."

Freyja looked at her mother.

"It's still five hours until noon."

"Oh. Oh, then I should take the cheese off the table, so it doesn't go bad... Why is there a knife on the floor?"

Freyja briskly picked up the knife and put it away. She headed to the dining room and began gathering up everything she had taken from the icebox. Gaea followed, helping silently. After Freyja had taken everything down, she nodded once.

"I should take care of that bedding, I'll have a fire in the garden. I don't want the girls to know." Freyja looked up at her mother, her blue eyes glazed with tears. "I don't want them to know. Or Frey. Or anybody. I don't want them to know. Don't tell anybody. Please."

Gaea nodded slowly.

"I think I should move," Freyja continued, practically running up the stairs to grab the bundle of bedclothes that stank of fear and sweat. "A new house, that will be nice. Once closer to the palace, maybe, not so far out of the city. Mother will you bring some lamp oil? It's in the cupboard over there. Yes, I should move. This house is too small for all the girls, anyway."

Freyja carried the bedding into the center of the garden, and dumped the lamp oil Gaea brought over it. She checked her pockets for matches. Gaea carefully lit two of her own fingers with a blue-tinged flame, and lit the blankets. She put her arm around Freyja's waist as they burst into flame.

"What if he comes back?" Freyja whispered as she watched the flames envelop the bedclothes. "What if he hurts the girls?"

Gaea said nothing.

"Why did he do it, Mother? I loved him so much, once..."

"The son I know would never do this," Gaea whispered back, sounding just as broken and heartsick as Freyja did. "I have no answers." She took a deep breath, wiping at the tears in her eyes. "Freyja, when was the last time you had a lover?"

Freyja's stomach churned. "How can you ask me that?"

"Please, it's important."

"Last night," Freyja's voice was bitter.

"No!" Gaea took Freyja's face in her hands. "No. Rape is not lovemaking. Do you understand?"

"No," Freyja whimpered. "No, I don't understand. I don't understand anything anymore. He said he didn't want to hurt me. And then... And then he did that!"

Freyja broke into sobs again.

"It's not your fault."

"Then why?"

"I don't know."

Freyja dug her knuckles into her eyes. "It's been almost six months. The triplets are still so young, they're a handful, and the older girls are going to parties and spending time with friends... I expect that Idunn's beau will be proposing soon-"

Gaea pressed her hand against her mouth, shaking her head. Her eyes overflowed with tears. A sob tore from her throat.

"Mother?" Freyja's voice was thin. She had never seen Gaea so distraught, and dread seized her. "Mother, are you all right?"

"You know that there are things that I just know when looking at a person."

Freyja nodded.

"You're sure it's been six months?"

"Mother, you're scaring me."

"Oh, Freyja!" Gaea put her arms around her daughter. "Oh, baby. You're pregnant."

Pregnant? But... but... that would mean that the baby... Atum. Strength deserted Freyja. She fell to the ground and retched.

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Atum found himself walking quite unexpectedly in a great stone building. Books lined every wall, from the floor up to the ceiling nearly three kilometers away. He stopped, his brow furrowing, as he looked around. How had he gotten here? He didn't remember deliberately heading towards the library of his brother.

Well, no matter. He was here now.

Thoth barely looked up from the scroll the he was cleaning when Atum walked into the cramped and cluttered workspace. He was bent over so far that his long, hooked nose nearly touched the page.

"What art thou doing here, brother?"

"Thoth, nobody talks like that."

"I doth."

Atum brushed aside some scrolls on a nearby bench and sat down. More than anything, he wanted to go back to Jotunheim, to have Farbauti hold him in her arms again, to wash away the memories of Freyja's tears. I am a disgusting, evil creature. He could never go back to Farbauti. Thinking about what Chthon had made him do to Freyja, and they hadn't talked to each other in nigh thirty years! What would he do to Farbauti, if he knew how much Atum cared for her?

"What doth thou want, Atum?" Thoth glanced up from his scroll and his thin eyebrows narrowed. "Art thou crying?"

Atum angrily brushed his palm across his cheek.

Thoth turned from his scrolls. "What hath happened? Is Mother-"

"Gaea is fine."

"Then why do you look so woeful?"

Thoth was an idiot, he didn't understand anything that he didn't read in his books. But perhaps that was why Atum found his way here. "I raped Freyja."

"What?"

"I raped Freyja."

"On purpose?"

Atum stared at him in disgust.

"There is no need for thou to look at me in such a manner," Thoth muttered, looking injured. He turned back to his scrolls. "The meaning of rape is not always clear in foresight, only hindsight."

"I knew exactly what I was doing."

"That does not sound like thou." A pause. "Who is Freyja?"

Atum bent over, resting his head in his hands, his elbows on his knees. "Our sister."

"Which one?"

"The only one that I ever truly cared about."

Atum squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying to erase the image of Freyja's frightened, tearful eyes from his memory. The numb, empty look that had taken her halfway through the night came to his mind and he dug his palms into his eyes. If he ripped off his skin, would that stop him from feeling his body against hers? If he cut off his ears, would he forget her pleading, her sobs and whimpers?

"I want to die."

"That sounds pleasant."

"The only time I've tried to kill myself, Demogorge emerged."

"Perchance you should not attempt such a thing, then."

"You could. You have that power." Atum looked up.

Thoth was engrossed in his scroll. "I am busy now, come back later."

"I don't know why I bothered to come here," Atum growled, standing.

"Perchance, because I am the only of our siblings you have not attempted to murder." Thoth's head whipped around as Atum drew his golden sword. "What, are you going to break thy record?"

"You haven't listened to a word I said."

Thoth looked affronted. "Such a thing seems a trivial matter for fratricide, brother! But very well, if thou feel that thou must. Yet I beseech you not to fling blood on these precious parchments."

"I just asked you to kill me!"

Thoth blinked. "Forsooth?"

"Aye! Forsooth, verily, whatever you want!" Atum held the blade out to him. "You have it in your power, so do it!"

"Why?"

"I RAPED FREYJA!" Atum bellowed, causing Thoth to flinch. "DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?"

"Verily, I know what rape is! But thou art many things, brother, and rapist is not amongst them. Perchance thou art wrong?"

Atum was very tempted to stab though his clueless brother, but he stopped himself. It would do no good. And after all the evil he had done of late, he could not add this pain to Gaea! He already would never be able to look her in the eye again. Shaking his head in disgust, Atum dropped the blade and stormed out of Thoth's library.