Folding and refolding the faded play bill, Charlie stood up and paced the length of his tiny bedroom grateful that he currently had a room to himself. The family having decided against a third footman. He needed to think, his thoughts were so conflicted. He'd loved Alice, wanted to marry her until Grigg has destroyed that but his feelings for Elsie seemed so much stronger. So real. In the three months since New Year neither had mentioned their kiss. If it could even be called a kiss, a brush of lips was hardly heart stopping passion but effect was the same. At least for him. Groaning he sank back onto the bed and buried his face in his hands, he didn't know how she felt and even if she did feel something would she still once she knew who he really was. Picking up the play bill again he placed it on the small bedside table and lay down on top of the covers knowing sleep wouldn't be easily found.
Stirring Charlie's tea Elsie pushed it across the table, it was a habit that they had fallen into over the last few weeks. She would make his tea at breakfast and lunch and he would pore her wine and water. She liked it, their routine. They walked side by side to church, spent any spare time they had together and talked about almost everything. She held back a lot of things and she knew he was as well. She wanted know everything about him but she couldn't ask, it wasn't fair.
"I was wondering," she looked up giving him an encouraging smile. "If we could find some time later. I'd like to talk to you about something." If was time, he wanted her to know the truth whatever the outcome.
"Of course, after dinner?" He nodded before finishing his drink and leaving the table.
Standing in yard Charlie could help but think back to New Years Eve, nothing had changed between them. They'd fallen into a nice routine and had grown closer but they where still just friends nothing more. He didn't know if he wanted them to be anything more not really, he didn't know how to be something different to anyone. He'd done something wrong with Alice, he must have. A sweet girl like Alice wouldn't have chosen Grigg if he hadn't done something wrong. He tugged at his livery one, then a second time and twice more before a gentle hand on his arm pulled him from his thoughts.
"Whatever it is, it can not be that bad Charlie."
"It might be," looking down into trusting blue eyes he felt his anxiety rise. "I don't want you to change your opinion of me. I don't want you to distrust me, or dislike me."
"Charlie," she frowned. "I think you must tell me now."
"Yes, yes. You're right of course." He cleared his throat. "Elsie." He lifted his hand to touch her cheek but pulled back at the last moment and stepped back. "When I left Downton. I'd decided I didn't want a life in service like my parents, my grandparents I wanted something different, exciting." Elsie frowned slightly at that Charlie didn't seem like the excitement type. "I end up on the stage, dance halls."
"The stage?" The surprise was evident in her voice and it made Charlie want to take his words back to stop talking. "Go on, please. You've already started you may as well tell me the rest."
"I'm sorry this is hard for me." Reaching into his pocket he handed her the play bill, it was the quickest and easiest way.
With a quirk of her eyebrows she unfolded the paper, "the cheerful Charlies?"
"We used to sing and dance do little acts."
"You can dance?" He smiled at the look of wonder in her eyes.
"And juggle."
She laughed, an amused but not judgement sound. "Why would this change anything?"
"It's not very dignified or becoming, it was frivolous a way to boost my ego."
"Well I think its wonderful, you'll have to juggle for me one day." She handed him the play bill. "Why did you leave?"
"Charlie, Grigg was a thief. He was caught more than once but managed to charm his way out of it. I couldn't work with him after that and I wasn't good enough to be a solo act. So I came back here."
"That just goes to show, you are a man of great integrity and honour. But I am very glad you came back."
"So am I." He smiled, "you won't. ..."
"Tell anyone? No of course not this is your secret Charlie not mine, thank you for trusting me."
"You are the only could tell, the only person I could, would ever trust with this." He hadn't told her about Alice but it wasn't something Elsie needed to know. Maybe one day he would tell her but now he was happy she still respected him, still liked him.
Elsie knew it was the perfect opportunity to tell him about Becky but his believe that a life on stage was so undignified left her even more scared than before. She liked Charlie thought very highly of him and his opinion and if his reaction was poor it would break her heart. She couldn't tell him now, maybe never.