Chapter Twenty-Seven
Freyja walked for half an hour before the guilt set in enough to make her find her way to Skadi's house. Skadi must have seen her coming, because she opened her door before Freyja got to it.
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
Skadi passed a hand over her eyes. "I am too. I imagine you're under a lot of strain, with the new baby, and now Syn..."
"I am," Freyja agreed, hoping that it would make her stepmother more forgiving. "I didn't mean to get angry. I know that you've always wanted the best for me."
"I have." Skadi led Freyja inside, and then looked sadly at her stepdaughter. "How did you end up like this, Freyja? What did I do wrong?"
"You didn't do anything wrong," Freyja took her hands and squeezed them tightly. "I made choices. Wrong choices. I ended up doing things I didn't want to for things I thought would restore Hnossa's immortality and then everybody was saying things about me and I decided if they were going to say those things and ignore my reasons, what did reasons matter? Why not just embrace the role and at least get something I wanted from it?"
Skadi embraced her stepdaughter. "You know that I've always loved you, Freyja."
"I know. And I love you, too."
"I know."
"That's why it hurts when you don't believe me about Hnossa."
Skadi shook her head. "Sweetling, I do believe you about Hnossa. I saw you with Ve, I could never believe that you would betray him."
But I did. "Thank you. I'd better get back to Hnossa's... I don't have much time here. Frigga's asked me to organize a fundraiser for Ostara. I think I've got everything planned. I need to make sure the locations are good, though."
"It's good that you're keeping busy," Skadi replied. "I'll walk with you."
They headed back to Hnossa's house together, walking silently. Freyja's face was dark with a frown.
"Is it so wrong, stepmother?"
"Is what?"
"Doing what I want with my body. Instead of letting men decide what I do with it."
Skadi was silent for a moment. "Would it be so wrong to show more self-respect?"
"So men are showing their virility but I'm showing a lack of self-respect?"
"I'm not so certain about all men, but all Njord showed was his lack of respect for women. And I'm not sure about all women, but you... I know you better than this. You've been crumbling a little bit more every time I see you."
"No, I'm not," Freyja said firmly. "I do what I want."
"Do you?"
"Yes! I don't want to fight, let's talk about something else."
"Alright. How is Frey?"
That did nothing to improve Freyja's mood. "He's asked for more duty in the army."
"I haven't seen him for so long."
"He's not coming to Vanaheim while Father is around. He thinks that Njord is just waiting for the opportunity to disinherit him. If he died right now, Frey wouldn't take the throne if he was begged to be king but he doesn't want to deal with Njord's smug face like he's doing something amazingly clever."
"Njord won't let me leave Vanaheim," Skadi admitted quietly. "He's claiming that I'm pregnant and that I'll take away his child."
Freyja frowned. "Are you?"
"No. But Njord's king. He doesn't need the truth."
"He'll have to let you come to Asgard when the baby's born, won't he?"
"I don't know." Skadi shrugged helplessly. "You're right about one thing. He's waiting for an opportunity to disinherit Frey in the most humiliating way he possibly can. I think that's why he's keeping me here. He thinks that Frey will come to visit eventually and then..."
"So what needs to happen is Frey disinherits himself first."
Skadi's lips twitched. "Maybe."
They had reached Hnossa's house by that time. Skadi took Freyja's hand. "I am sorry for what I said earlier."
"I know."
Gullveig and Sigyn were in the kitchen with Syn and Hnossa. Gullveig gave her mother a frosty glance and ignored her. Skadi tensed. Sigyn, oblivious, bounded over to Freyja and grabbed her hand.
"Mor, Aunt Gully wants to take me to a waterfall, can I go?"
Freyja shook her head. "Maybe next time. We need to go home now."
"Already?" Hnossa asked, and then sighed as she embraced her mother. "It was good to see you."
"And you." Freyja kissed her daughter's cheek, and looked at Syn. "When do you think you'll come home?"
"In a few weeks. After Ostara, most likely."
Freyja nodded. She turned to Gullveig. "It was good to see you, sister."
"And you, sister."
Sigyn's eyes were filled with tears (as they always did when she had to say goodbye to somebody) and she gave everybody huge hugs. She hugged Hnossa the longest. "I love you, sister," she whispered.
"I love you too, sweetheart."
"Come on, we need to get home."
Freyja headed away, Sigyn trailing miserably after her. The blonde teen looked over her shoulder and waved. "Bye."
"We'll come back soon," Freyja promised.
"How soon?"
"Oh... after the baby is born. Bifrost travel really isn't the best idea when you're pregnant."
"Alright. Maybe I can come with Var, if you're not going to come back soon?"
Freyja smiled and nodded. "Of course. Chin up, Sigs. It's not the last time you'll see Vanaheim."
"I know." Sigyn grabbed her mother's hand. "I just wish we all stayed together, rather than being all spread out. I miss Hnossa, and I hardly see Aunt Gully. She's my favourite aunt."
"She's your only aunt."
Sigyn nodded seriously. "Which is why we need to get Frey married off soon. I need another aunt!"
Freyja laughed.
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Freyja took her daughter home immediately when they returned to Asgard. It was well past dark. To both of their surprise, there was a note addressed to Sigyn pinned to the door of the house. The blonde teen opened it and flushed.
"Who's it from?"
"Theoric."
"And you're blushing. Why? What scandalous things is the Crimson Hawk writing to my pure little baby?"
"I'm not a baby, Mor!" Sigyn protested and folded the note into her pocket. "He just said that he greatly enjoys my company and that he finds it very interesting to talk with me."
"You're blushing again."
Sigyn's face went even redder at the mention of her blush. "He says that I'm a far wiser woman than some are at twice my age."
"Hmm." Freyja tried the door; it was locked, so she unlocked it. "Snotra and Sjofn must be with one of your sisters. It seems to me that young Theoric might fancy you."
"Mother, I'm only thirteen. He's sixteen. That's a three year difference. I'm nothing but a child to him."
"I wouldn't say that. If I recall, Theoric's sister about your age just married."
"He told me that he's very angry with his parents for it. He says that she's far too young to marry. Besides, she's fourteen. I'm thirteen."
"All the same, I'll have to have a talk with Bragi about Theoric... Although he seems a nice enough boy from what I've seen."
"He is, Mor," Sigyn agreed eagerly. "I think I would like to go riding with him tomorrow."
Freyja raised one brow. "Are you a little sweet on him?"
Sigyn went scarlet. "I think it's time for me to go to bed."
"No, come on. We never talk about the boys you're interested in." Freyja put a hand on her daughter's shoulder and guided her to the kitchen. "Well?"
Sigyn's face was still red. "Well..."
Freyja smiled reassuringly. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I know. I like Theoric. He's funny and handsome and respectful. But..."
"But?"
"But as much as I like him, I like Loki more."
Freyja tried not to look disapproving. Odin's son? "Loki? The trickster prince."
"He's more than just a trickster, Mor. He makes me feel special."
"You are special."
"But Loki makes me feel it." Sigyn's eyes sparkled. "We like all the same books and he's always telling me how smart I am. Sometimes he reads to me. His voice is like honey, Mor, I love listening to him read. He listens to me, too. Really listens. We don't always agree on things, but we can debate it without it turning into a fight. And sometimes, the way he looks at me while he thinks I can't see... I feel so beautiful. Like you."
Freyja smiled sadly. She's growing up! "That is a very special feeling. Ve always made me feel beautiful."
"That's what you always say." Sigyn fell silent. "Is it wrong?"
"What?"
"Liking both Theoric and Loki. Shouldn't I just like one of them?"
"No, it's not wrong if you like both of them. You're thirteen."
"When you were my age did you think of getting married?"
Marriage and Loki in the same discussion was not encouraging to Freyja, but she didn't say so aloud. "When I was your age, I had three friends just older than me marry. I was wild with jealousy. I was absolutely certain that I was ready for marriage. I wasn't though. I know that now."
Sigyn frowned. "I wouldn't know how to be a wife."
"Nobody does. And if they say they do, they're lying. Being a wife is hard work. I was lucky, in that I had a husband who didn't expect me to know what I was doing. We could talk about things. Ve didn't know much about being a husband, or at least he claimed not to. But he did his best, and I did my best. That's all we could do. And we were perfect, for the time we had each other... that's not to say we didn't fight, we did. But we worked through it." Freyja trailed into silence. She missed Ve so, so much!
"Mor, I don't like seeing you sad." Sigyn squeezed Freyja's hand. "But I like the way your eyes sparkle when you talk about Da."
Freyja smiled. "Don't my eyes sparkle at other times?"
"No."
"Ah. Well, it's time for you to get to bed, if you're going to ride with Theoric tomorrow."
"I wonder if Loki would come with us."
"Wouldn't it be a little rude, sweetheart, to invite Loki along without making sure Theoric was alright with it first?"
"Would it?"
"A little."
"I'll see Loki in the afternoon then." Sigyn stood and hugged her mother. Night, Mor."
"Goodnight." Freyja sat for a long time, contemplating this development. Sigyn and Loki? I never thought that any of my daughters would fall in love with a son of Odin! No, it's not love. She's only thirteen! But the way she had been talking about him... It doesn't matter. They're thirteen. Nothing will come of it!
Meanwhile, Sigyn was in her room preparing for sleep. When she turned down the bedclothes, she found a note on her pillow. Pushing her blonde hair from her face, she read it.
I live to hear your voice, see the sparkle of your eyes, smell your sweet perfume, take your warm hand in mine. I long for the day when I can taste your rosebud lips against mine. I can't sleep for fear of missing a thought of you. My beloved, swear that you are mine and I will be yours, forever. With all my soul, your devoted slave.
Sigyn's face was red, and she was smiling from ear-to-ear with pleasure as she finished reading the note. I am yours, Loki. Can't you see that? She carefully put the note under her pillow. She fell asleep imagining his lips against hers...
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Atum rubbed his eyes as he sat up on a bare floor. Where was he? Right... He swung out of bed and went to the cockpit of Sekhmet's sleek spacecraft. She was already there, her feet up on the dashboard, ankles crossed, reading a book on battle tactics. Atum sat in the co-pilot's seat.
"You were screaming," Sekhmet said, seemingly engrossed in her book.
Atum tensed. "Was I?" He tried to say nonchalantly.
"Yes. Swearing vengeance. Have you started having nightmares, Father?"
"None of your concern, Sekhmet," he said sharply.
His warrior daughter closed her book and looked up at him severely. "None of my concern, Father? It is my concern when I have to close the blast doors because you are losing control of your fire as you sleep. I have been into many battles with you. What could possibly make you scream in hatred and then weep like a child?"
"Enough."
Sekhmet picked up her book again – and threw it at him. "You aren't doing anyone any favours, Father."
Atum glared at him. It was enough for most beings in the universe to quail, but Sekhmet merely raised her chin and crossed her golden eyes at him. Despite himself, he began chuckling. His daughter's brows knit.
"I don't ever recall hearing you laugh before."
"I've missed you, daughter."
Sekhmet sat up straighter. "Are you dying?"
Atum's hairless brows rose. "What?"
"Are you dying? Is that why you're acting like this?"
"Acting like what?"
"After that incident with Varcolac, you swore that I could never join you on your quests again, but I'm here now. And you've never once... expressed affection in such a matter."
Atum sobered. "Sekhmet, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Especially where my family is concerned. If I have seemed uncaring, it's only because I..." Love was a word he had never used. "Care too much. And I'm afraid of losing the only people who matter more to me than my own life."
Sekhmet looked almost frightened. "You are dying."
Atum shook his head. "No."
"Then where is this coming from?"
"I've spent thirteen years in isolation. It takes a toll," Atum admitted, sighing. "How are your brood mates, Neith, Mafdet and Tefnut?"
"They are well enough, I suppose. I do not see them often. My life is somewhat different than theirs." Sekhmet picked at her thumbnail. "Father, what happened? Why did you leave the Nine? Why haven't you even spoken with the Mother Goddess?"
Atum shook his head, turning away. He couldn't tell anybody, not even his daughter. Especially not his daughter. His shoulders slumped forwards. "It is a private matter."
"Oshtur told me that you were going to let Set kill you."
"That was years ago."
"It still happened."
Atum looked back. It wasn't often that he saw his eldest daughter look fearful. She did now. "Nothing is going to happen to me, Sekhmet."
"Something did. Why else would you be doing this?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why?"
"I can't tell anybody."
"Why?"
"Because it hurts too much!"
Sekhmet flinched slightly at Atum's shout. He stood, frustrated at how much he had revealed. But there really was nowhere to go on this little ship.
"At the next port, I will be taking my leave and you will return to Heliopolis."
Sekhmet was silent.
Atum caught her in a firm glare. "Understood?"
"I understand what you say, my Lord."
"But?"
"But I don't understand why."
"I only cause pain to the people I care about, no matter what I do. The only way to protect you-"
"I don't need protection." Sekhmet snapped. "I never did."
Atum stalked back into the sleeping room and closed the door behind him. He tried to relax, but his shoulders only knotted tighter. He shouldn't have let Sekhmet stay as long as she had. It was too dangerous... And now he had allowed himself to enjoy his daughter's presence and the thought of being alone was weighing heavily on him.
Sekhmet knocked on the door. "Father?"
"What?"
"Mother is dying."
Atum froze. For a long moment he just stood there. Eventually he turned and opened the door. "What?"
"Mother is dying. Uncle Thoth did send me to find you, but I was hoping that I could convince you to come home. She wants to see you." Sekhmet's gaze was steady, her eyes as emotionless as any warrior's. "Before she dies."
Atum opened his mouth, but couldn't think of what to say. I can't go back! But he had to. If Bastet was dying, if she requested to see him before her death... He was the first woman he had cared for enough to share any of himself with. And she was the mother of his first children. He owed it to her... But to be so close to Gaea and Freyja again... Heliopolis is too far away to have any impact on them.
He nodded. "I'll go."