Chapter Twenty-Nine

Atum followed Sekhmet warily through the tall yellowed grasses towards a thicket of twisted trees. The sun was hot overhead, and the air had a dusty taste to it. Sekhmet was more at home here than she had been on the ship. Her step had more of a spring to it and every now and then she would bound off, swatting at birds. Atum watched with a fond smile.

As they got closer to the thicket, however, he became more anxious. Bastet had been a friend and fellow warrior for a long time. He had fathered a litter with her, but they had never been lovers. The word implied love, and that was something he had never shared with her. He cared, but love?

"Wait here," Sekhmet said outside the thicket, and then crawled in on all fours. He heard the sounds of loud purring inside. After a moment, she came back out.

"She will see you now."

Atum nodded. He crawled into the thicket, sharp stone biting into his hands and knees. In the centre of the thicket, it was cool and dark. The branches had been cleared around for a space in the center. In the space, there lay a huge lioness, stretched out.

"Bastet," Atum greeted, bowing his head.

She purred at the sight of him, getting to her feet to rub her head against his. He smiled as her rough tongue licked his face.

"It has been too long, Atum," she greeted in a deep, purring voice.

Atum nodded. He stroked the white fur that had once been golden and could feel the arthritis in her spine. She had once been so young... "Sekhmet tells me that you wanted to see me."

"I did. My life is growing to its end and I have things to say." She wrapped her paws about his neck and pulled him down onto his side. "Do you remember how we met?"

Atum chuckled. "As I recall, you tried to eat me. Chthon was attacking this world and you mistook me for one of his minions."

Bastet purred. "I knew you weren't Chthon's minion. I just wanted an excuse to get closer to you. But I was talking about the first time we met."

"That was the first time we met."

"No. We met when I was a cub, separated from my brood mates. It was storming and you found me. You held me against your chest to keep me warm. In the morning you returned me to my mother."

"I don't remember that."

"Don't you?"

Atum shook his head.

"Ah. Perhaps my mind is failing more than I thought it was."

"Or I just don't remember."

Bastet rubbed her head against his neck and chest. "You have had such a long life. Has there been nobody that you have loved?"

Atum blinked in surprise. "Where did that question come from?"

"Idle curiosity. And I don't mean familial love."

Atum remained silent.

"Have you?"

"Yes."

Bastet's yellow lion eyes blinked. "Tell me."

"Why? I can never go back to her."

"Tell me." A playful growl accompanied her words.

Atum smirked, but it was short lived. Scratching behind her round ears, he sighed. "Her name is Farbauti. She is the kindest woman I have ever known. But I can never go back to her. I should not even think of her."

"Why?"

"Because if my enemies knew, they would destroy her."

"Liar. You're afraid that the day will come when she does not return your love." Bastet licked his face again. "She deserves to know."

"She does. I told her, when I said goodbye."

"You said goodbye? You must really love her."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"In all the years I have known you, you always just left. You never say goodbye."

Atum sighed. "I only say goodbye when I'm never coming back."

"Then this is our goodbye."

"Are you sure?"

Bastet nodded. "You gave me my first children-"

"And you gave me mine."

"Yes, you've mentioned that. But there are things I have never told you."

"What sort of things?"

Bastet purred, snuggling closer to him. "I love you."

Atum nearly laughed, but then he realised that she was serious. "What?"

"I love you. I always have. I never once suffered the delusion that you loved me in return, but every time I saw you it was like a rainy day."

Atum thought of the dry, hot plains Bastet lived in and cradled her feline face in her hands. "I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't. I know if you knew I would never see you again."

It was true. "Only because those who I love or who love me are always targeted."

"Is that why you are always so distant with our children?"

Atum was silent.

"I worry for Sekhmet. All my cubs know who they are except for her. And you are to blame."

"What?" Atum blinked in surprise.

"She was never so happy as when she fought by your side against Chthon's wolves. She would never say so, but she always was so proud that you valued her so much. And then Varcolac-"

"He nearly killed her. I realised how selfish I was for bringing her along."

"It shattered her. She hasn't been the same since. She has much anger hidden inside." Bastet's golden eyes flashed. "You were selfish to leave her behind."

"I shouldn't have put her in danger."

"You should respect her enough to understand that she needs your approval, how much she pretends otherwise. Do you understand?"

Atum was silent for a long time. Eventually he sighed and kissed Bastet's furry forehead. "I'll talk to her."

"Good. Now goodbye."

Atum knew when he was being dismissed. He kissed her again and crawled out of the thicket. Gathered around were Bastet's children, including Sekhmet's brood mates, his son and two daughters. They had adopted more feline features than Sekhmet had chosen, and greeted him by rubbing their heads against his. None of them spoke. Sekhmet was sitting some distance from her brothers and sisters. Atum joined her silently. She had allowed her nails to turn to claws and was whittling a piece of wood.

"I'm leaving," he said.

Sekhmet raised a brow.

"Do you still want to come with me?"

Silently she tossed down the wood. As Atum stood, she went with him. They headed back through the grasses. Atum could see Bastet's other mates gathered in a semi-circle around the thicket; all were old and hunched. Suddenly he realised just how old they all were.

I am going to live forever, compared to these people. He looked at Sekhmet. She is going to die an old woman and I will not have changed.

Just like Freyja and Hnossa. Atum winced as he thought it. He had condemned Hnossa to mortality, like humans suffered. A blink and she would be gone... Atum's shoulders sagged. Killing her daughter. Forcing her. Which was the worse hurt that he had dealt to his sister?

I've missed you. Why had she said that? Why had she welcomed him into her house? If she had only raged at him, told him to leave! Maybe Chthon would have left her alone. Maybe he would have... targeted somebody else.

Atum stopped at the sound of guttural, mournful roaring behind them. A hundred voices as one.

"Mother." Sekhmet's voice was fractured.

Atum looked at his daughter. Why did he pick Freyja? He knew that we were no longer close! "I will wait if you wish to go back."

Sekhmet looked startled. "You will?"

"Yes."

"Then... I will bid my brothers and sisters farewell, for now."

She headed back towards the thicket. Atum sat down and waited.

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Freyja woke shivering in her bed on the morning of the Ostara tournament. A day of fighting and anybody of any rank could be trained by Tyr, or so it had been declared. Freyja didn't care. She curled up shivering.

Two days since I've talked to Sigyn. Why have I let it go this long? She wondered, angry at herself.

The doorbell rang. At first she ignored it but it persisted and so she grunted with frustration. Throwing back her blankets she went down the stairs still clad in only her nightgown. The auctioneer from the fundraiser two nights ago was standing there. His eyes widened when he took in her (lack of) clothing.

"What?" she demanded.

"Uh..." he shook himself. "I thought it best to inform you how the auction went after you left."

"Why should I care? Was anything left to give to your wife, or lover, whatever you have?" Freyja asked him sardonically.

"I have no wife or lover – no female companion of any sort." The auctioneer carefully didn't look at her. "But there was another four hundred-"

"Do you want to come in?" Freyja interrupted. He's plain and simple-looking, but he is a man and that's all I care about right now. I want him. And if Sigyn stops by it won't be this early!

The auctioneer's jaw dropped. He nodded, looking in a daze. The instant the door was closed behind him he was kissing her. He pressed her against the door and pulled her leg up around his waist. Freyja wrapped her arms around his neck to keep herself from falling off balance. She felt behind herself and locked the door. Sjofn and Snotra had already left for work that day, but if Sigyn did come home... He was unfastening his trousers now, and Freyja merely held her posture, not reaching to help him. I could tell him to slow down, she considered. But I don't think I will.

He was ripping at her nightgown now, trying to lift it out of the way. He grunted in frustration.

"Are you going to help me?"

"Are you going to give me a chance?"

The man looked up and blinked. "What?"

"I haven't had time to ask your name."

"Does it matter?"

"No. But I can make it well worth waiting for..." She kissed him slowly.

And the next thing she knew she was bent over the sofa with her nightgown at her waist feeling very uncomfortable as the man bunched her strawberry-blonde hair in his fists, the corner of the sofa digging into her stomach. She winced, and a familiar sense of panic started to rise in her chest. My choice! she shouted at herself, gritting her teeth against her memories, and she said aloud, "Faster."

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Idunn put a bowl of oatmeal in front of Sigyn while Bragi brought milk from the icebox to the table. Sigyn sat miserably. She had tried to work up the courage to go talk to her mother the day before, but couldn't, and ended up spending the whole night in bed, sobbing.

"I told her I was sorry!" she blurted.

"I know you did, sweetie," Idunn said soothingly.

Sigyn slumped, hiding her face in her hands. "I was... just so upset."

Idunn kissed her hair. "I know. But it's been two days. Why don't you go try to talk to her?"

"Why can't she come talk with me?"

Bragi reached across the table. "Sigs, Mother gets worn down, too. She's probably afraid that you won't talk to her."

Sigyn poked at her oatmeal. "I'm not hungry."

"How about I go talk to her?" Idunn suggested.

"No, I will," Sigyn sighed. "I will. I just hope that she listens..."

"If she doesn't, I'll have a word with her."

Sigyn dragged herself to her feet. "I'm going home now."

"Before breakfast?"

"Yes."

Sigyn didn't have anything to take back with her, as she hadn't been to the house to get any extra clothes. She said goodbye to Bragi and Idunn and then headed out. Just as she got on the main path, she heard her name. Turning, she saw Theoric coming towards her at a jog. He was smiling, and Sigyn felt her face flush. It was certainly flattering that he paid so much attention to her...

"Lady Sigyn," he greeted with a bow. "I was just coming to see you."

"I'm heading home," she told him, aware of how wrinkled her gown was. "Would you like to walk with me?"

Theoric smiled and offered her his arm. Sigyn took it.

"I have been meaning to talk with you for some time," he said as they started walking. "And I apologise if I am speaking out of place. I heard about the... incident at your mother's fundraiser."

Sigyn went scarlet with embarrassment and anger. "What about it?" It came out ruder than she intended.

"I just wanted to let you know... That despite your mother's reputation, I think it's appalling that people would treat her in such a way, especially in the king's court." Theoric looked a little anxious. "And I know what's it's like, being..."

"Being what?"

"An illegitimate child. My mother was unwed when she gave birth to me. Her parents disowned her for it. It's difficult."

Sigyn's jaw dropped. She never would have thought it! "So... you're like me?" Not exactly like me... I'm half dwarf with a mother who is famous! "What about your father?"

"My mother never speaks of him, except to say that she thought she loved him and that he promised to marry her."

"But he didn't."

Theoric shook his head. "He dropped her the instant he got what he wanted."

"My mother never wanted my father to be a part of my life," Sigyn blurted. "And most times I'm okay with that. But I just wish..."

Theoric waited patiently.

"I just wish that people could look at me without seeing her."

"I don't see Freyja when I look at you," Theoric said softly, taking her hand. "I see Sigyn. Sweet, kind, virtuous Sigyn."

"Thank you." Sweet, kind, virtuous. Is that what I want to be? Sigyn's brow fell into a troubled frown. What do I want to be? They had reached the path leading to the house now, and Sigyn pulled herself away from Theoric. "Thank you for walking with me."

He smiled and kissed her knuckles. "I hope to see you again soon."

Sigyn smiled back at him. He took his leave, and Sigyn felt her gut twist and her shoulders tense as she walked up to the house. The door was locked when she tried it, and she frowned. Was Freyja still in bed? But it was mid-morning! And then she heard a noise, a peculiar moaning, mewling sound. She moved to the window and peered through-

To see a man with his trousers around his knees pounding into her mother whose nightgown was hanging on by shreds while the man had his hands all over her.

Sigyn turned and ran. She was in the palace gardens before she knew it, still running, her expression tempestuous. She couldn't believe what she'd just seen! Not two days after her fight with Freyja, she'd gone to apologise for calling her a whore, only to find her acting like one!

"Why did she have to prove me right?!" she seethed. A flash of light caught her eye- were her hands on fire? She kept walking without noticing, stunned by this development. Maybe I imagined it? Certainly, nothing was happening now...

"Oof!" She'd walked headlong into someone.

"Sigyn?"

She looked up to see Loki. The image of her mother with that man came back to her. She always tells me to be careful, to be sure that men don't just use me, she thought. Hot, irrational anger filled her and she seized Loki's hand.

"Sigyn, what's wrong?"

"Nothing!" she snapped back, dragging him into the palace. Guilt and shame was starting to battle with the anger and she welcomed them fiercely. Why should I listen to you, Mother? Why shouldn't I follow in your footsteps? She pulled Loki into his room and then slammed and locked the door behind them.

"Sigyn, are you alright?" Loki looked worried.

Sigyn didn't reply. She pulled him over to the bed and then threw herself down onto it, pulling her skirt up. "Make me your whore!" she ordered.

Loki's eyes widened.

Sigyn's face went red. She hadn't meant to say that! Tears filled her eyes. She suddenly could see it all; Loki lying beside her, their bodies twining, kissing, slipping together with sweat, Loki's hands on her body, her moaning his name.

Loki backed away from her. "Sigyn, what are you doing?"

"I want to know what it's like. Why my mother keeps doing it."

"You're not your mother."

"What am I, then?" Sigyn challenged. "Sweet, kind, virtuous? Obedient little Sigyn who never does anything wrong? I'm sick of it! I want..."

Loki opened and closed his mouth a few times. "We're only thirteen."

"There are girls married my age, with babies."

"I don't..." Loki backed away more. "Sigyn, I don't want to do this."

Sigyn sat up, feeling humiliated and sick with herself. "I'm sorry."

Loki came to sit cautiously beside her. "I want our first time to be special. Not because you're upset. What's wrong?"

Her eyes overflowing, Sigyn told him. By the time she was done she was shaking with sobs and Loki gently pulled her into his arms, stroking her blonde hair.

"Oh, Sigyn..."

"Why does she do it? I don't understand!"

"I... Sigyn, why did you come here? Why did you want to... with me?"

Sigyn shrugged sourly.

"I think that you were trying to get back at your mother. Trying to distract yourself from how angry and sad you feel..." Loki looked hesitant. "And you're not your mother, Sigyn, but you do have a lot of similarities."

Sigyn frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that maybe she does it for the same reason."

Sigyn blinked. She hadn't considered that! "Do you... do you think that I'm horrible?"

"For what?"

"Doing this."

Loki shook his head. "No. I think that when you get upset you don't really know what to do with yourself. I think that you don't understand how wonderful you are. I don't think you're horrible."

A faint blush crept into Sigyn's face. "Thank you."

He kissed her cheek. "How about we go practice magic? That'll take your mind off things, won't it?"

Sigyn nodded. "Thank you."

Loki smiled and took her hand. They left his bedroom, both trying to ignore what could have happened... Sigyn felt a rush of gratitude and love towards her best friend. He really does care about me, she thought, to stop me from making a mistake like that. And then she remembered. I want our first time to be special. She flushed red but a smile crept over her face. It's going to happen someday. When we're ready...