Chapter Thirty-Two
Freyja tried to stop sobbing as she got a cool wet cloth to press to Sigyn's face. The tears didn't stop as she cleaned herself up and washed the vomit off the floor. Once she was done, she sat beside Sigyn, trying to come up with the words to show how sorry she truly was. I never wanted to be my father!
"Sigyn-"
"I think it would be best if I stayed with Idunn for a few more days," Sigyn interrupted stiffly.
Freyja took a deep shuddering breath. "I'm sorry."
"I'm going to get some clean clothes and then I'm leaving."
If she pushed, she'd just push Sigyn away. If she tried to hold her, she would slip away. Freyja had no idea what to do. "Sigyn, I am sorry. But if you need time..."
Sigyn stood up. "And I am learning magic!"
Freyja had no reply. She sat in misery as Sigyn marched away. The sun was setting; it had been hours since the tournament. Suddenly she bolted to her feet. She had to tell Frigga why Sigyn couldn't learn magic! She wouldn't teach her if she knew! Freyja practically fled to the palace. To her relief, the feast was still in its heights of mirth and merriment. She started marching towards the head table.
"Lady Freyja!"
A woman stepped in her path.
Freyja grit her teeth in annoyance. "Lady Melena."
The brunette was clearly drunk. "Imagine that! A little girl is going to be one of Asgard's warriors! Amazing isn't it? But you've got to be happy. All your girls know weapons!"
Freyja was about to reply scathingly, but then she spotted Sif nearby. Sigyn is only determined in her magic because of what Sif did today. A well of spite rose in her. If she quits, then Sigyn will give up!
"My girls know how to defend themselves, yes, but they know how to be ladies," she exclaimed loudly, hoping Sif was within earshot. "But Sif? Humiliating all those young men? And then parading around as if that is something to be proud of! Sometimes I wonder if Alti didn't have two sons, the way that daughter of hers carries on. I'll never know how such a lovely woman managed to bring up a girl like that. She's a disgrace to her family, and she does not care. She'll never be a good match for anyone. No man will be interested in a woman who is more masculine than him!"
She saw Sif walk swiftly away and instantly felt guilt consume her. What is wrong with me?
A hand was on her arm, tugging her away from the inebriated Lady Melena. She turned and met Tyr's stormy eyes. Her guilt was joined with shame. He pulled her out of the hall and to a nearby closet. For a brief, heart-pounding moment she completely misread what he wanted. I want to feel your touch again!
"What are you doing?"
Freyja pressed her lips tightly together.
"I am not overly excited about training a woman to be in the army, but I do my duty and if she is there to be trained than by the Norns I will train her. I will not be kind, I will not be gentle but I will defend my pupil from cruelty! Now. Explain yourself!"
"None of your concern."
Tyr's eyes narrowed. She pulled her arm away from him and reached for the door.
"No," Tyr stood in her way. "You tell me why you decided to lampoon Sif like that when you, of all people, should be supporting her!"
"You and I have nothing to speak about any more." Freyja snapped, balling her fists. I am pregnant with his child! I need to tell him!
Tyr narrowed his eyes, and then stepped aside. Freyja pushed past him, dangerously close to tears again. Her hand seemed to still sting from where she had slapped Sigyn. I'm a horrible mother! She knew if she attempted to speak with Frigga now, she would turn into an utter mess and so left again. She would talk to Frigga in the morning.
Idunn was waiting for her at her house, looking completely livid. Freyja took a deep breath.
"Mother," Idunn greeted icily.
"I know."
"You know? You hit Sigyn!" Idunn's voice was lowered.
Freyja hung her head. "Let's go inside."
"I don't know if I want to," Idunn muttered, but nonetheless followed her inside.
Freyja went to the den and sank onto the sofa. "I messed up. I know I did."
"Yes, you did. Hitting Sigyn? All because she wants to learn magic."
Freyja pressed her hands to her eyes.
"I know you didn't want Sigyn to learn magic, you made that very clear but now you will tell me why." Idunn's voice was firm. "Or I swear to the Norns I am never letting Sigyn come back here!"
Freyja looked up and slumped against the back of the sofa. She opened her mouth and then closed it. "I have reasons."
"Then tell me them!"
"Idunn... Sigyn was conceived against my will."
Her daughter blinked and her eyes narrowed. "What?"
"I was... The night that Frey took you and the rest of the girls to Vanaheim, before we went and stayed with him, before I bought the new house. I was raped. Sigyn was conceived that night."
Idunn's expression fell into horror. "Mor... Those months, when you wouldn't leave the house..."
Freyja's eyes welled and she nodded.
"It doesn't explain this though."
"I know. I don't know who it was. All I know is he used magic."
Idunn sat back, her shoulders sagging. "That's why you didn't want Sigyn to learn magic?"
"What if he comes back for her? What if he takes her away?"
Idunn was silent for a long time. "So you've been so afraid that if Sigyn learns magic, that this man will take her away that you've been pushing her away."
"What?" Freyja wrapped her arms around herself. "I don't understand."
"Mor, Sigyn wants magic more than anything else. She lives for magic, the way I live for dance, and Var lives for song. All you've done in forbidding her from learning is to drive a wedge between the two of you." Idunn took her hand and squeezed it tightly. "If this man was going to come take Sigyn away, he already would have, wouldn't he?"
"Maybe he didn't know about her. If she learns magic-"
"She will be the happiest girl in the nine realms. Don't you want her to be happy?"
"I want her to be safe."
"And slapping her is keeping her safe?"
"I panicked!"
"Then you know what you need to do? You need to work out your issues. This isn't about keeping Sigyn safe. It's about you, and your fears. You hold it all together. For thirteen years you haven't shared this... I'm going to find a therapist for you."
"What? I don't need-"
"Yes, you do. There are healers trained specially for emotional trauma. Bragi sees a trauma specialist every month."
"You never told me about that."
"Because of this ridiculous stigma against it. People don't understand that the mind can be wounded just like the body. Now I am going to get an appointment for you and you are going to take it, understood?"
Freyja opened her mouth to protest, but then nodded. If it will help.
"And you need to let Sigyn learn magic."
"No."
"Either let her learn magic or tell the truth about why she can't." Idunn's expression was stubborn, the mirror image of Freyja when she got stubborn. "You know you have to."
Freyja pinched the bridge of her nose. "I know. Tell her I'm sorry."
"Do you want me to stay a little longer?"
"No. I'll be fine."
Idunn looked troubled, and kissed Freyja's cheek. "I love you, Mor."
"Love you too."
The door opened, emitting Sjofn and Snotra. They went upstairs laughing and talking loudly, obviously a bit tipsy. Idunn sighed, but looking at her mother she didn't know what to say.
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
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What makes you think you're finished yet? Chthon hissed as Atum pulled a blanket up around Freyja's bare shoulders.
Leave me alone.
She was shaking, her teary eyes following his movement. He couldn't look at her; when he did he saw the baby he had helped his mother deliver, the little girl who braided him daisy crowns, the young woman who had cried for his help, trusting that he would come.
"Close your eyes," he muttered gruffly, wrapping the towel around his waist.
She continued to stare at him.
"Close your eyes!"
"I thought they were closed." Freyja's voice trembled. "Is this a nightmare?"
Atum stroked Freyja's hair from her face. She whimpered and he withdrew.
She does make delightful noises, does she not?
"This isn't a nightmare, Freyja."
"But it can't be real."
"It is."
Freyja turned her head away.
What is the point of this? Chthon sounded bored. Are you hoping that she will see your unwillingness and forgive you?
Atum looked out the window. What is the point of this? What do you want?
What do I want? I want you to kiss her-
Atum woke to a bucket of water splashing on his face. He jerked to his feet, reaching for his sword. Sekhmet set down the bucket, her expression blank.
"You were having another nightmare." She turned and walked away.
Atum wiped water from his brow. It was already starting to boil from the heat of his skin. A ring of soot spread around him on the earthen floor. Taking a deep breath, he left the little hut that he and Sekmet had constructed when they arrived on this dry planet. Sekhmet was crouched over a fire in the dark, cold night. She added wood to it and sat back on her heels. She fixed him with a yellow stare.
"Do I talk in my sleep?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes." He didn't want her to know. He couldn't lose her companionship. It struck him suddenly how much he needed his daughter to stay with him. If he ended up alone again... He would not survive the year. He knew that without a doubt.
Sekhmet tilted her face towards the moon. "No."
Atum nodded.
"I wish you would tell me about it, though."
"So do I. But I can't."
"Why?"
"Because I just can't." Atum looked away. Survival or not, I should send her away. It is weakness and selfish to keep her with me. All I'm doing is putting her in danger. "Have I ever told you about your first transformation?"
"No."
A smile crossed his lips and he began to tell the story.
Atum smiled as he sat in the high branches of Bastet's thicket, watching her suckle their four children. She lay on her side, her long paws stretched around the cubs as they jostled for position. He could hear her purring, her golden fur smooth and soft-looking in the afternoon shade. He had arrived mere days ago after a long absence to learn that she had given birth, and that he was the father of the four fluffy, spotty cubs.
He climbed down from the thicket and sat cross-legged beside Bastet. She put her large head in his lap and he scratched behind her rounded ears. "I can go hunting if you'd like," he offered.
Bastest yawned widely. "After the children are fed I will hunt myself. I trust you to protect them."
Atum stroked the soft fur of his feline children and nodded. Though the prospect of being a father confused him and if he was honest frightened him a little, he would protect his children. They were more golden than their mother, but that was the only similarity he could see between them and himself. Their forms, like that of Bastet, were lion-like, larger than the animals found on earth and slightly more anthropomorphized. Their faces were more pulled in than wild cats, and Bastet could walk with ease on her hind legs, though she preferred all fours.
"I didn't expect you to stay," Bastet murmured, pressing her head into Atum's fingers.
"I will stay for as long as I can. They are my children as well."
Baster's golden eyes met his. "Will you take them when you go?"
Atum was surprised at the question and the fear behind it. "Of course not. You are their mother."
The cubs were falling asleep as they nursed by this time. Bastet licked them tenderly, and didn't continue the conversation. She stood, jostling the cubs. They mewled piteously as Bastet stretched. She gave them each another lick and then trotted off. The four little ones tumbled over their own feet, attempting to follow her.
"Now, now," Atum murmured. "You need to stay here, little ones."
He gathered the four into his arms. Three mewled and nuzzled him, but the fourth - little Sekhmet - hissed and puffed up. Atum chuckled and kissd her furry head. "Little flameshine, aren't you?"
She batted his nose the best she could as he took them back into the shade and safety of the thicket. Settling down, he cradled his children in his arms. Sekhmet batted at him again, but this time her little paw pressed against his chest and stayed there. The other three tumbled out of his arms and curled themselves against his legs, but Sehkmet stayed staring at him. Her paw, pressed against his chest, began morphing. The fur all over her body began lessening, and the feline form shifted. She mewled again, but this time it sounded more like his brothers' and sisters' cries as babies. Her little face flattened, and her nose thinned. Lips developed in her tawny face and her ears moved lower. The transformation stopped then, and Sehkmet's golden eyes blinked once and then the humanoid body curled into her father's arms and she closed her eyes. Atum stared in amazement, stroking her tawny hair. He glanced at the other cubs; their appearance hadn't changed.
Atum smiled at his children, and settled back, keeping watch. He would talk about this with Bastet when she returned.
Sekhmet scratched at the ground with a stick. "I have always tried to make you proud."
"And you have."
She looked up. "How did you and Mother become lovers, when you have such different forms?"
"It was a different time. these political boundaries between people did not yet exist." He peeled the bark off a twig and tossed it into the fire. "Think you for finding me, Sekhmet. I am glad I was able to see Bastet one last time."
Sekhmet nodded stiffly.
He studied her. "You mourn your mother. It's alright to cry."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"I've never seen you cry." Her voice cracked.
At that, Atum's eyes filled. "Then it seems I have failed you."
"I don't want to cry."
"Sometimes it's beneficial."
Sekhmet turned away. "It's weak."
"No. It's not. You may have never seen me cry... but that is because I deny myself feeling. And I wish I didn't." A tear ran down his cheek. "Sekhmet?"
She looked at him again. He held out his arms. And she slowly moved into his embrace, clinging to him as she hadn't since she was a child. She buried her face into his tunic.
"Father, I miss her already."
"I know."
She started sobbing quietly, and Atum held her tightly, trying to comfort her. Freyja has Gaea. She has Frey and her daughters. Does that mean that she is alright? He didn't know the answer.