AN: So! I've actually had this sitting around on my computer and didn't even realize it. Consider this an early Christmas present?
I hope my eyes aren't puffy this morning.
Last night left me scarred more than scared, determined more than submissive. I want to hate the Fire Lord with all my heart, but I have to remember that he's a pawn. It was his father who had given the order. I doubt the Phoenix King would have been any more pleasing, so I should thank my lucky stars on that one.
The Fire Lord had still gone on with it, just as he had watched his father take over the world. He wasn't an innocent at all, and that made him harder to classify in my "good guys vs. bad guys" book. Definitely leaning towards the bad guys though. He called himself a good man. Well, good men didn't rape women.
I am allowed out with the rest of the women. This is a rare occasion. Our gracious master must be terribly hungover today. Serves him right.
Little victories like this are the ones that get me through the day. It is oppressively hot in the sun and not much better in the shade. Sweat refuses to form and grant me relief and it has everyone lax, including the guards. This down time is the perfect chance to find Sokka. I could really use some brotherly comfort right now.
I had been told he had started training in the kitchens, but I couldn't be sure if he was still there. Hell, I didn't even know where the kitchens were.
Thus began my wanderings of the palace. I was careful to keep to the walls, the princess's warning thrumming in my mind. I did not want to end up extra crispy. I only saw people a handful of times and it was easy to hide behind one of those ridiculous silken hangings. I tried not to make too many turns and get lost, but it happened anyway.
Of course it did.
I thought a particular hallway looked promising even though it was darker than most others. That had to lead down, where I guessed the kitchens were located, but it didn't. Instead, I found myself peering into what I took to be the Phoenix King's study.
I let the excitement wash over me but I'm careful not to let it take me away, much like a wave in the ocean. It's extremely risky to be here, especially with the very man in the room, but there's the chance I could hear something useful.
"You've done well, Zuko." I don't know who else is in the room, but that has to be the big baddie. His voice sounds evil enough to be the Phoenix King. The thought of the Fire Lord makes my stomach churn, but I won't let him ruin my mission.
"Thank you father," the little baddie replies, but he sounds like his heart isn't in it. If anything, he should sound triumphant and proud of his father's praise.
"I hope I don't have to make any more threats to convince you that your pet needs to be firmly controlled," he drawled, and I could just imagine an evil smile curling onto that stupid face of his.
"Of course not. I am your obedient son." This was more insistent and somehow more important.
"Yes, you are." I could still hear that same creepy smile and I shuddered involuntarily. "Now, go see that your newest addition is still behaving herself."
I freeze for an instant and then bolt down the hallway, keeping light on my bare toes as to not make a sound. He definitely has the advantage here, and I am hopelessly lost. It comes to me now that I should've followed the idiot at a safe distance until my surroundings were familiar again, then slip around him to be where I should.
How could the fate of the world rest on someone so stupid! No time for self-loathing now. Is this intersection familiar? Did I come straight through or from another hall? Straight seemed like the best bet.
I'm sure all is lost after a few uncertain turns, but I see natural light through the cracked door. I slip through the door, victorious that I have made it in time. It is only when I see the look on Suki's face that I know something is wrong.
The soft click of Fire Nation boots makes me turn slowly. It is only the Fire Lord, but he looks incredibly furious. He grabs me by the arm none too gently and half drags me back through the door I just came out of.
"Where have you been?" He hisses, tightening his grip when I don't answer. This will certainly leave a bruise.
"I was trying to find my brother," I mutter reluctantly. I'll just conveniently leave out the part where I was spying on him.
"Did you see Azula?" When I shake my head he relaxes visibly and releases me from his grip. "I was worried when I saw you weren't here. I thought…" His voice trailed off as he imagined whatever he thought Azula did to people she didn't like.
I cannot believe this guy. Seriously. I try to keep my cool when I ask, "Why would you be worried about me?"
He is genuinely surprised because I really don't believe that this guy is good at acting. Or lying, for that matter.
"Everyone knows you're my favorite," he explains, as if I am a small child. Righteous fury boils my blood, but I can keep it down for now.
"I hate to see how you treat the others." My voice is frosty and I'm proud that I could keep it so level. This man has degraded me so thoroughly that I am embarrassed to look at my naked body, and he has the audacity to tell me that I'm his favorite.
"Katara, I told you it was—"
"Don't ever say my name again." My voice is a hiss of contempt, the rage hissing out like hot steam. "Don't ever touch me again, don't ever think of touching me again." With every demand he takes a small step back, but still has the nerve to retaliate.
"I will do whatever I want, whenever I want," he declares, sounding more and more like a child. "If I want to touch you," he grabs my shoulder, "then I'll touch you. If I want to take you," he wraps his arm around my waist and crushes our bodies together. "I'll take you. Your body is mine."
"My body is my own," I growl, pushing him away in disgust.
"Not any more. I'll see you tonight."
With that he stalks away, leaving me to curse my pride and wonder what I've gotten myself into.
Suki says that it will be easier this time. She has no other words of comfort like Yue, but I've learned she's not one to sugarcoat the truth. It's one of the many reasons I like her.
Once more I am led, but I am not nervous like last night. Tonight I have a grasp on what is coming and I am ready.
I steel myself as I open the doors, but things are different. The room is brighter and though the table is laid as before, no one is sitting there. I move in hesitantly, suspicious of what is going on. I lick my lips nervously and spin when a door to my left is opened.
I certainly didn't expect to be facing my brother.
With wide eyes and a mixture of a gape and a smile, I lunge at him. All of the apprehension melts from my body when I'm wrapped up in a hug. Our excited babble is unintelligible and eventually we calm down and he explains how he came to be here.
"The Fire Lord isn't actually too bad a guy," Sokka begins, and I don't know if he's saying that for the benefit of any listeners or if he's serious.
"Um, what?"
"Yeah he got me into the palace as a servant, thanks to you. The servants rotate duties and I've already attended him a few times. Not a bad guy!"
Okay, so my brother has either suffered a head wound or has been brainwashed. But wait, there's more!
"He requested me specifically tonight. When I showed up at his quarters, he explained his plan to me. He set up this meeting, isn't that great?"
"Yeah, real awesome guy," I mutter. I'm not going to tell Sokka about how his amazing pal had his way with me last night. It's too embarrassing and I don't want to relive it.
We talked about what we had figured out carefully, but I didn't have much. Sokka didn't have anything useful for our mission either so it was mostly talking about what we had been doing and our hopes for our village people.
Hours had gone by before the Fire Lord appeared through the door Sokka had come out of. I wasn't glad to see him, but I was glad that he had given my brother and I this opportunity. It's always one step forward and two steps back with this guy. Here's his forward step, now I'm waiting to go backwards. Sokka bows out graciously and then it's just me and the bad guy.
"I'm sorry about what happened last night," he began. "I told you, I had no choice." He steps closer and I back up accordingly. He looks hurt but he has no right.
"You forced yourself on me and you think a half-assed apology is going to make everything better?" I try not to scream, but the fact that he's bringing this up at all makes me think that there's no one listening in tonight.
"I brought your brother to you," is his defensive reply.
"It's a step in the right direction," I concede tightly, "but nothing more." I've backed myself against a wall and he takes advantage.
"Why shouldn't I take you against this wall right now," he breathes, and I let him trap me, hands splayed out against the wall on either side of me. His face is so close that I can feel the heat radiate off of his body. I can smell the beginning of this nights alcohol on his breath. He is repulsive but I try to keep my head clear.
"You were afraid of what your father might do if you didn't forcefully have sex with me. You were afraid that Azula had gotten ahold of me." I lean forward and call his bluff. "You are too good, in your own twisted way."
The Fire Lord's brow furrows, disappointed that I know what he's about.
I can tell I've won this round. With a lordly pout he dismisses me, and I've got a whole new plan to add to my mission.
It's pretty lucky that I've found the weakest link in the chain. Maybe I could even get him on our side. Wouldn't that be a laugh, the Fire Lord fighting for the side of good.
I sleep peacefully that night and dream about cutting the Phoenix King's throat.
I have to convince myself that I want to be friends with the Fire Lord. I tried to go as far as love but I couldn't handle it so soon. Friends was a good start though. As friends, you learn all sorts of things that lovers wouldn't.
For instance, Zuko is an obligate drunk because of the pressure of his station. He doesn't enjoy the post or the "perks" his father has pressed upon him. His personality had been so inconsistent before that it was hard to get a direct read on him, but now I could confidently say that he's a pushover. I asked about his scar once, but that was too taboo to talk about. Maybe later.
The worst part about lying to yourself is believing the lie. It always happens without fail. Like one time I told myself that a gash I got while training wasn't that serious, but it turned out I almost bled to death. The only thing that saved me was the harsh cold of my homeland.
Now I was beginning to believe Zuko and I were friends. Look, I'm even going so far as to be casual with his name in my personal thoughts! I must immerse myself in the lie but never lose myself in it. Sometimes it's hard and I have to make excuses.
I only spend nights with the women now and all of my days are spent with him. Suki is worried that I've lost sight of my goal, but I haven't. I told her it was all part of the plan. It kind of was.
"There's an important dinner tonight. Can I count on you to keep my cup full?" He joked one day.
"Full of mischief," I replied with my tongue out. It didn't even make sense but we laughed anyway while we lounged on couches in the shade. My muscles were fading away from lack of use and now I am just thin. It was only careful eating that made sure I didn't develop a pudge. Zuko didn't have to worry because he trained every day with his guards.
I was invited to watch a few times as he kicked their butts into the ground. It was amusing but I noted his openness with his ribcage. A quick strike there could end a fight faster than you could say, "Got'cha!"
Lady Mai was only in the capital for special occasions, Zuko told me, so she would be sitting next to him at dinner that night.
"Don't get jealous now, I won't be staring at you all night," he teased. "Lady Mai is my dear wife."
"And I'm your whore." I didn't speak with bitterness, but those were the facts. True that nothing had happened since that first night, but that was what I was in the end.
The silence was awkward until I threw a grape at him and all was forgiven until that night. I had only been called to wait a table once and that was for a minor affair. This was much grander and Sokka was there to serve with me.
Standing on either side of Zuko we made a quaint pair, as mentioned by the honored guests. I shot the Fire Lord an "I told you so look," and he rolled his eyes at my smugness. He broke his promise not to stare at me all night. It wasn't so much staring as it was stolen glances out of the corner of his eye. I felt a swell of superiority, but Lady Mai didn't look like she cared one way or the other. In fact, she didn't look at me the entire night.
I know that they had been childhood sweethearts but it looks like that ship has sailed a long time ago. The Lady was a personal friend of Azula and I wondered if the princess had always been this…off. The princess called on me often to fill her cup and bring her foods from the other end of the table. She always gave me this spine-tingling smile and once asked who was the other serving her brother.
"Oh tut-tut, that's not fair," she pouted. "Zuko gets to have all the nice things." I didn't know what to say but she waved me away with a cackle and didn't call me over any more that night.
At the end of the night, the Earth King presented the servants he had used to the Phoenix King. Such gifts were common and the palace would likely be overrun by them eventually, but he graciously accepted them before handing them off to Zuko.
One man in particular seemed too cheeky to be a servant to me. He had bumped into me (on purpose) in the side kitchen when one of the courses was being brought out.
"Sorry about that," he said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I'm a little clumsy. I'm Jet. And you are?"
"Not interested," I said bluntly, picking up a tray for my end of the table before he could speak again. True that he was handsome, but I didn't need another man child mucking up my life right now.
"The sun is bright today," he called after me with that wolfish grin on his face. Seriously? This guy?
"Yes, and very warm," I say through gritted teeth. I'll have to ask Suki if she knows this guy. It's possible he's a liar, but it's also possible that he's not.
I overhear Lady Mai insist that she will be returning to Ba Sing Se that night, even when Zuko begs her to stay. I hurt a little for the guy. He's trying to be an honest husband but theirs is decidedly a marriage of convenience for her family. It's convenient for me too because my job could be a lot harder if she was around all the time.
I help him to bed that night because he had a bit too much after Lady Mai's refusal to stay.
"She hates me," he blubbers pathetically as I pull off his outer robe.
"No she doesn't. How can you marry someone you hate?" I asked reasonably. He isn't listening.
"You hate me too," he continues and looks at me with sad eyes.
"No I don't," I replied carefully, unsure of where this was going exactly.
"You should. I've done terrible things to you. I've let terrible things happen to the world."
There, there it is! I've been waiting for him to admit as much.
"Are you sorry for those things? And not just because you're drunk off your ass?" I calmly hang his inner shirts in the closet, but my heart is thumping wildly.
"You have no idea what I've had to put up with all my life," he mutters. "I'm a turtleduck among moose-lions." He's sitting on the bed now, forlorn and miserable about his life. "You asked me about my scar once," he slurred, trying to rise and stumble towards me but I caught him before he cracked his fool head open. "A gift from my father for defending innocent men in the war room. I spoke out of turn and embarrassed him. I didn't want him to burn you too," he confessed.
If you took on Ozai you literally got burned. Not a comforting thing to know, but important.
"I'm sorry that it happened to you." And I mean it. Oh spirits helps me, do I mean it.
"It makes me look like a monster." Well, I couldn't say no to that.
"It's what's inside that counts," I say instead and make sure he's seated securely on the bed. I know it sounds corny and lame, but he smiles.
"That sounds like something Uncle would say." This is the first time he's ever mentioned anyone in his family with a smile.
I ask him about the man and Zuko is only too happy to oblige. He could've talked for hours about how good a man his uncle Iroh was, but it was getting late.
"Come on now, I've got to go to sleep and a long way to walk before I get there," I say, persuading him to slide under the covers.
"You can stay with me," he offers sleepily. My breath catches in my throat.
"I-I don't think-"
"Please." His request is a soft whisper now. He's nearly asleep, it would be easy of me to sneak out and he wouldn't remember any of this tomorrow morning. Despite all my hard edges, I'm still soft inside. I liken it to sharing a bed with my brother, as we used to do when we were small. It makes it easier to bear.
He thrashes in the night with terrors I cannot see, screaming himself hoarse about his mother and begging his father to have mercy. Zuko never fully wakes but I am there to brush his sweat soaked hair from his face and whisper comfort until he stills.
The face I look down upon is the face of a child, and I am sure I look so young when I sleep too. We are just children playing our father's war games. The only difference is I did so voluntarily.
I find sleep curled up next to the enemy, breathing in his strange smells and listening to his steady breath.
I woke gently on a soft surface, softer than I am used to. And the pillow on my face is silken and smooth. I sat up abruptly to discover I am sleeping on the far side of the Fire Lord's bed.
I tucked a piece of unruly bed head hair behind my ear and looked around when I recalled last night. Nobody was to be seen, but the door that I had seen Sokka come out of the other night was ajar and light spilled out of the crack.
I was not sure what I should do. Surely Zuko was in the other room, but what was expected of me? Stay or go?
I chose to flee. Ultimately it was my choice anyway, and the guards didn't even give me a second glance when I left, nor did they follow me. Now would be a good time for some espionage, but I was still wearing my clothes from yesterday and they weren't exactly clean. My hair would need to be brushed out too, and...
A chill raced up my spine to warn me of imminent danger, but I knew it was too late when I heard her voice.
"Little pet out for a walk, and all alone?" She crooned in that demon voice that was innocent enough on the surface but hard and sharp as flint underneath. I stiffed immediately.
"My Princess," I said with a kneeling bow that was supposed to be reserved for someone of higher rank but I wasn't good with measuring bows. It seemed to placate her in some small way though.
"Did I say that you could speak?" She asked lightly, but there was an edge there. Maybe not as much as there could've been, but still. It was like thin steel wire, innocent seeming enough until it was wrapped around your neck and cutting into your throat. I remained silent for fear of my life.
"That's better. Hm, I was going to give a message for one of my handmaidens to deliver, but you'll do even better," She continued. I don't have to look at her face to imagine that curling grin.
She bade me follow her to her chambers and wait outside until she had finished. Really this encounter is to my advantage, since I now have an idea of where her rooms are located. My revenge will be sweet when it comes.
"Now don't get curious, wench," she said, shaking the scroll in my face like I'm a naughty animal who's peed on the carpet. "This is sealed and everyone will know if you read it. Take it to dear Zuzu immediately."
I bow myself out and try not to run away. I know the palace well enough now that I only get lost twice before I'm back where I started, still a ragged mess from the night before. The guards don't stop me so I walk right in and everything is still the same. Well, I've only been gone half an hour tops.
I poke my head inside and see him pouring over documents that are probably important. Zuko looks up when my movement caught his eye and his brow quirks in a question. I take it as an invitation to enter and I hold the tiny rolled up paper before me.
"Your sister," I croak, and I hadn't even known my throat had been so tight and dry. I try again but he's already crossed the room and snatched it out of my hand. He looks me over and asks if I'm hurt but I shake my head. I'm much more interested in what she had to say and why it was so important that I had to deliver it.
He opens it and his eyes flash over the words. He pales, which is saying something since he's already quite pale. I could read it myself but that's something they would question if they knew I could so I ask.
"She...wants your brother as her servant. She says it's only fair, since I have you, that she gets him."
My world spins and I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I knew she had been interested in him last night but...I never knew it would come to this. My mouth hangs open and I grasp for anything to say, some way to save Sokka from this certain doom.
"I cannot refuse her. She will go to father if I do, and you know where I stand with those two." His face is grim and sorry as he looks at me. "The mines would have been a kinder fate than this."
I nod and bite back tears, digging my nails into my palms to keep me distracted. He pulls me into a hug that I don't resist but I don't reciprocate either. What will she do to him? Torture? Kill? Or worse? I can't think of what would be worse but I'm sure the Princess could get creative. How would this affect the mission? That's the most important question of all, or it should be. I can't stop worrying about him though.
"I'll think of something," he promises, but it means nothing to me. He already admitted that his power was limited. We must complete our mission soon if Sokka is to get out of this alive. Things would be easier if I could just trust Zuko but...no, not yet. I have to wait for the perfect moment.
He decides to release me from his arms, probably because I am as stiff as a wooden plank. I can't help it. It's not a matter of liking Zuko now, it's my own personal attachments. What would Dad say?
Duty before family.
But would he really? I can't be sure.
We don't know for sure what's happening to him. He could be fine for all you know.
Yeah, maybe something like that. I try not to linger on the thought that my father has likely been worked to death in the mines. I have to use this situation to my advantage, but how?
"Thank you," I mutter into Zuko's robes, because even though he has released me, I am still standing so close to him. "Thank you," I say again, but this time I'm gasping and sobbing and clutching at him. My tears and my face are hot against his cool silk. He holds me close as I cry sorrow for my brother's fate, my hate for this unending war, and my shame for relying so entirely on this young man before me.