Carrie I
Carrie slams the door shut and feels the house shake for a moment. It's satisfying but not nearly enough.
Hot, angry tears are trailing down her face, have been since she left the debrief at Langley. Actually it was more like a fucking interrogation than a debrief with Adal running things. Two days of endless questions, all focused on what Adal calls her 'lone wolf problem' - her tendency to do what she thinks is right no matter the orders.
How many times did she have to say yes I went against orders; yes I was on the phone giving him info on the Mossad agents; yes I fucking gave him a chance to finish the job we sent him there for. But now that Javadi is firmly in place Adal and Lockhart don't seem to remember how she fucking put him there, how this was all her and Saul right from the start. Which should give her some fucking leeway. Except Saul is gone, left without a goodbye and she can see where things are going for her.
Deja vu all over again. Administrative leave while they reassess her role in the operation, same shit, different op. They could get rid of her anytime and she knows Adal is ruthless, has none of Saul's humanity or any loyalty towards her. So all this shit, all this pain to be back at square zero, wondering if she has a job, wondering if she even gives a flying fuck anymore.
Right now she doesn't care about Javadi, about fucking world peace. All she can think of is what she lost, all that she'll never have. Yeah, it was a dream, a fucking fantasy but for a moment she believed it - that they could have a life together, that she could have a chance at love.
And now she has nothing. Fuck all. No job, no life, no Brody. Just a terrifying possibility growing in her, something she has no capacity to deal with - especially right now.
Right up to the point when Brody died Carrie had herself convinced that it could work out. She could quit her job and they could be a together. It would be hard to explain to her family but doable - they always thought her job was too high stress anyhow so they would have been happy to see her to settle down into a calmer routine.
But now she would be a single mom with a mental disorder, possibly unemployed. She wouldn't be able to explain it to her family because it's pretty much all classified. And how the fuck could she explain it when she doesn't understand it herself? Well, I'm having the baby of a notorious terrorist suspect and murderer and I'm keeping it because I was fucking in love with him and this is all I have left. Oh and by the way I don't want to have the baby, I don't have any good feelings about this and I can't be a mother.
Yeah, that would be a fucking great conversation. No wonder she's so exhausted, sad, hopeless. This was the culmination of her life's work and what did she get out of it? Nothing, by the looks of things.
Carrie looks up at the Brody wall and something bursts in her. She starts pulling everything off the wall, ripping everything down, leaving it scattered in pieces on the floor. When it's all off the wall she sits down in the middle of mess, sobbing. Her head to her knees, she drains herself of tears.
Hours later Carrie drags herself to bed, crawls in and lays there thinking about him, about how much she misses him already, about her non-existent future. If she'd taken the pills at the lake it could have all been over, she would have avoided the debrief, solved all her problems permanently.
But she hadn't been sure and had almost been relieved when Quinn finally found her. It was only then she realized she'd been waiting for him, hadn't taken the pills because he would have been the one to find her and would have blamed himself. Which is stupid because it wouldn't have been his fault. But even so, at the time she had held off for his sake, remembered finding her dad after he attempted suicide one Thanksgiving, recalled the angry hopeless feeling that had followed. And for just a moment she had remembered that Quinn already had a wounded conscience, didn't need another cross to bear.
But now she didn't have any pharmaceuticals strong enough to kill her immediately and the long painful death of Tylenol overdose is something she wouldn't wish upon anyone. Maybe my heart can just stop in my sleep, she thinks. Of course she has a weapon in the house but doesn't want to leave a mess for Maggie or her dad to clean up.
Carrie knows from experience that this is the time, before the depths of depression show up. By then she won't have the energy to do anything, much less kill herself. She feels it coming - the hopelessness and angry apathy have already set in and the endless exhausted irritability is just around the corner.
She finally falls asleep thinking about Brody, about how hard she tried for him. But what seems like mere minutes later she is awakened by the muffled sound of a footstep.
Carrie reaches for the weapon in her bedside table, points it at the bedroom door. She isn't going through this shit again - getting kidnapped from her own bed once is enough. She wonders who it is this time, thinks Adal might have sent some thug to get rid of her so he doesn't have to bother with the paperwork.
The doorknob turns and she disarms the safety, aims for a kill shot with her finger on the trigger. If it was Maggie or her dad they would have called out for her already and they aren't exactly the show up in the middle of the night types.
The door opens quietly and she is steady with the gun. "Stop there or I'll shoot!" she yells at the intruder.
"Jesus, Carrie! Don't shoot, it's just me," Quinn says, his hands in the air.
Carrie glowers at him, keeps the gun in place.
"What the fuck are you doing in my house in the middle of the night Quinn?" she asks.
Quinn walks over casually and takes the gun from her, flicking the safety on and putting it back in its drawer. Carrie scowls at him, at his nerve as he sits on the edge of the bed. He looks tense and it takes him a long time to answer her question.
"I just wanted to check on you," he finally says.
"You could have fucking called," she responds. "You didn't have to break in."
Quinn looks at her funny. "Your home lines have been torn out. And you're not answering your cell," he says.
Carrie stops for a moment, doesn't really remember tearing out the phone lines but thinks it's possible. Likely even. Still, why was he sneaking into her place?
"Well ever heard of knocking?" she asks. "It's what normal people do."
Quinn gives her an expressionless look. "We're not normal people, Carrie," he says. "And I didn't want to disturb you, I just wanted to make sure..."
He trails off but she knows what he means.
"You wanted to make sure I wasn't dead," she finishes for him.
Quinn frowns and shakes his head. "No, just that you're okay," he says without much conviction.
"Well I'm fine," she counters with a shrug. "So you can leave now."
He gives her the funny look again. "Are you sure, Carrie?" he asks. "How did the debrief go?"
She scowls. "I thought you didn't want to disturb me, Quinn," she says.
He doesn't respond and Carrie lets the silence hang for a few minutes. But Quinn doesn't seem to be giving up or leaving. And she is still pissed enough to tell him.
"It was fucking shitty alright," she snaps. "Two days of Adal giving me shit for disobeying orders, for telling Brody they were going to kill him. What the fuck do they think got him to go in there in the end? He took out Akbari because I gave him the chance. But now it's all about how I fucked up."
Quinn looks a bit startled, maybe he wasn't expecting her to say anything. But then he frowns. "That's bullshit, Carrie. You ran him and he completed the mission, that should be that. Fuck Adal, he just doesn't like that you were right," he says.
Carrie gives him a sideways look. She remembers when Quinn flipped out on her for going on her intuition, that night Brody had made her at the hotel bar. At least he learns, she thinks to herself.
"So now what?" he asks.
Carrie makes a who knows gesture with her hands. "Administrative leave until they figure out how to get rid of me," she says. "Then, who knows? Unemployed single mother right? Sounds like a lot to look forward to."
Quinn frowns, gives her a stern look. She knows a lecture's coming so she glares at him and guards herself with mental armour.
"First, Carrie, this is just Adal's little power game. They know exactly how effective you are, they're going to need you - either to run Javadi or for whatever's down the line. You'd think they learned that lesson the first time around, " he says. "Second, who the fuck cares about what they do? The CIA doesn't own you, Carrie. You're more than that."
"Bullshit, Quinn. I'm exactly that. I don't have anything else. And without it, with this whole Brody shitshow over, that's all I was good for," she spits back. "Anyways, this isn't your problem, Quinn. Go home, leave me alone. I'm fine, I'm a fucking big girl and I can take care of myself."
Quinn looks to be holding back anger, seems to be grinding his teeth as he stares at her.
"I would have come earlier but I'm on an assignment," he finally says with a sigh. "But it's in the area so I should be able to come by most days. Just might be late sometimes."
Carrie raises her eyebrows in disbelief, can he not hear her?
"You're not listening, Quinn," she repeats. "I said leave me the fuck alone."
Quinn smiles mildly, pats her hand. "No fucking way, Carrie," he says kindly, but with some steel in his voice. "And while we're at it, I need you to make me a promise."
Carrie is at a loss. Who the hell breaks into her house and starts telling her what to do? Well other than fucking Javadi's guys.
"Just leave, Quinn. Take your suddenly overactive conscience and find something to do other than shooting people for a living. Get far away from here and just forget about all this shit," she shouts at his infuriatingly calm face. Carrie is close to tears and she doesn't want him to see her cry again. He's already seen too much, gotten too close.
"One promise and I'm gone, Carrie. Well, at least until tomorrow," he says evenly.
"Or what? What if I don't fucking promise?" she snarls.
"Then I stay," he says. "Until you do."
Carrie screws her face up into a ball of frustration, wants to hit him. She even raises her fist but he catches it easily and she stops trying, knows it's futile. "Fuck you, Quinn," she shouts in his face. "FUCK!"
Quinn looks just a little bit taken aback but otherwise shows no emotion. "Just make the promise, Carrie and I'll fucking go," he repeats.
"Jesus fucking Christ. What do you want from me Quinn? I'm fucking done, I have nothing to give," she bellows at him. "I just want you to leave me alone."
"Just promise me you'll be alive the next time I come here and I'll leave right now," he says.
It's a terrible deal for him and she knows it. There would be nothing holding her to her word and promising now will get rid of him instantly. She needs the aloneness, the voidness of everything but her, no responsibilities, just her bed and the anxiety and the sad hopelessness.
"Okay, I fucking promise, Quinn," she says with a smirk. "Good luck holding me to that."
But Quinn just blinks and gives her a considered look. "You wouldn't lie to me, Carrie," he says. "Would you?"
Something in his voice makes Carrie stop to actually think instead of just saying what she wants to say. And it's fucking annoying to find that he's right. She can't just lie to him about this. She knows she will be tempted but she's been tempted many times before and has never gone through with it.
And most importantly, if she just says so he will leave.
"Maybe not," she finally mutters.
Quinn shrugs, seems to think he's gotten enough out of her. "Goodnight, Carrie," he says, standing up. He takes her fingers in his for just a moment and put her knuckles to his lips before letting go. "Take care of yourself."
He tucks her in carefully even as she scowls viciously the whole time and then leaves quietly, somehow locking the door behind him.
Carrie lies in bed, thankful to be alone again, wondering how the fuck she developed this Quinn problem. He's harder to throw off than she ever imagined. And then there are those moments when maybe she doesn't want to get rid of him at all.
But the way she's feeling, Carrie knows he will be gone by the end. She hasn't felt a low like this come on in years - it's already beyond the depression that hit when she lost her job the first time and she can tell it's barely getting starting.
By the end Quinn will have disappeared and she will be on her own, allowed to fucking kill herself if she wants.