Pick It Up, Start Again
Annie didn't recall seeing any pillows on this bus.
When she blinks her eyes open and sits up, she's mortified when she realizes the pillow is actually McQuaid's shoulder.
"I'm sorry." She says hastily, trying to keep her face from turning red.
"No problem." McQuaid's sheepish upward turn of his lips belies his brevity. "We should do this again sometime," he adds, "without all the guns."
She gracefully side passes where the conversation is headed.
"I don't mix business with pleasure."
Ryan McQuaid's unrelenting pursuit of her attention remains the most mysterious thing about him. It intrigues Annie (much to her own chagrin) and her inquisitive nature (much like a devil resting on her shoulder) puts ideas in her head that shouldn't be there. He is temptation at its finest, and despite her self imposed exile from the world of emotions, the old Annie still craves the connection solitude can't give her. Part of her, the part that actually likes him, is dying to know what it is exactly that he finds so alluring.
What is it he sees in her?
Because when Annie looks at herself, all she sees are damaged goods.
"Well then you lose on both counts, Annie Walker." McQuaid goads. "Oh, by the way, I haven't forgotten that conversation we were having before about how you cracked Borz. Cards up remember?"
The question catches her off guard because his curiosity makes her suspicious, and she reminds herself that he still hasn't told her anything about his hour. It's the one thing that keeps her from letting him earn her trust completely.
"Why do you wanna know?" She demands.
"Why don't you want to tell me?" He counters.
She's tight lipped at that, and this time McQuaid's the one that sighs dramatically for show.
"Ok, forget it. I'm going to get some sleep."
She's almost shocked that he relents so easily, but on the other hand she isn't. The possibility that he's doing this just to bait her is very real, and he's crafty enough to try something conniving like that. Not to mention, it's what she would do too. She bites her lip, her inner turmoil tying her stomach in knots. Once again she finds herself walking the incredibly thin line that she's set between them, except it's become so blurred she's not sure where one side ends and another starts.
It's a battle between her head and her heart.
Her heart wins, as it often does.
"I told him we had his sister in custody, and that it was his fault because he left her behind," Annie's admission is subdued, uncomfortable, "and if he told me what I needed to know, I would help her."
McQuaid quirks his head, arms crossed. He hadn't been expecting an actual answer.
"Can you?"
"I shot her in Chicago. She died four days ago. Cards up."
Her confession hits the air and she watches another piece of her soul catch fire and go up in smoke.
"So you lied to a dying man." McQuaid considers. "That's a pretty dark move Walker."
His accusation hits Annie like a punch to the gut. What's worse is that it's not even the accusation itself that really bothers her. It's the fact that his words hurt her at all, because it meant she cared enough to let them.
"I did what needed to be done."
Annie expects a fight, a struggle of wills, for Ryan to choose sides - him on one and her on the other. Instead he astounds her with the impossible.
"That wasn't a criticism. That was a compliment."
He chooses her.
The second time she catches herself sleeping on his shoulder, she chooses to stay.
"Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes!"
Dex is waiting for them four hours past the border, just outside of a town called Pore, in a Land Rover that looks brand new. He hugs McQuaid after they climb down off the bus, and the two fall into a familiar rapport of jokes and repartee. Annie watches the exchange with inquisitive eyes. The relationship between Ryan and his men isn't typical. They're not just employees on his payroll, they're brothers - family.
She envies that.
"I'm not going to lie." Dex says with a grin, hanging on the driver's door. "Jim and Fitz have been taking bets on whether or not you two would kill each other before you got over the border."
"I think she might even like me now, can you believe it?" McQuaid looks sideways at Annie, arms crossed, taunting her.
"Like might be too strong of a word." Annie answers diplomatically.
Dex laughs and shrugs, sliding in behind the wheel. Annie's immediate reaction is to head to the back seat, but Ryan grabs her arm just above her elbow as she's about to climb in.
He's a silhouette against a fading Colombian sunset, and for a fleeting moment all she can see against the shadows of his face are the striking blue eyes that stare back at her.
He's too close.
"You can take shotgun." He lets go of her and gestures to the open passenger side door, breaking the spell.
"I thought chivalry was dead." Annie replies shortly. She feels like she's been holding her breath.
"Contrary to popular belief, I am a gentleman, Ms. Walker."
"Arguable."
He offers her his hand to help her step up into the SUV.
"Then let me prove you wrong."
She surprises herself when she takes it.
Annie decides flying coach on the CIA's dime has nothing on McQuaid Security's private jets.
"Does he always fly the planes himself?" Annie asks Jim, staring out the window into blackness and passing clouds. He's seated next to her, but he's deeply focused on a game of Texas Hold 'Em with Dex.
After departing the small airfield in the middle of nowhere, they touched down in Bogota to refuel before taking off again. Fitz is helping copilot, but McQuaid has yet to give up his station as first captain, and Annie hasn't seen him since he told her to make herself comfortable and enjoy the ride. Not that she's complaining, distancing herself from Ryan and the uncomfortable feelings his presence has become a catalyst for is undoubtedly for the better. However, a small part of her finds she misses his company.
It's not something she wants to admit.
"Ryan? Generally, yes." Jim replies in his crisp British accent, distracted, not looking up from his cards. "It's his home away from home, being in the pilots seat."
"One of his homes away from home, at least." Dex adds with a yawn, waiting for Jim to make his move. He's the youngest of Ryan's three boys (as Annie has classified them), and though he means well, he's the most flippant.
"He's hardly slept…" Annie shifts, sitting cross-legged, eyeing Jim's cards from over his shoulder.
An indirect, seemingly disinterested statement about McQuaid's sleeping habits are less obvious then voicing her concerns directly. She tells herself the only reason she's worried at all is because she'd like to make it home alive.
It's not a complete lie.
"And have you slept? Besides, that's what Fitz is for." Jim reassures, still debating over the hand he's been dealt. "Boss man sleeps when he's dead, metaphorically speaking of course."
"Are you folding or not, Jim?" Dex huffs impatiently.
"Whatcha think, Walker?" Jim grins.
She leans over his shoulder and studies the cards intently, tucking the loose strands of her hair back behind her ears.
"I've always been an all in kind of girl." She admits.
"See, I knew I liked you." Jim beams.
He and Dex continue to play and Annie settles back into her seat, pulling the thin wool blanket they'd found for her a little tighter around her shoulders. Despite her best efforts to keep them all at a distance, Ryan especially, something about their camaraderie is infectious. Annie finds herself grinning, and laughing with them, and missing what it feels like not to have a weight sitting on her chest.
She can't remember what it felt like before she lost everything.
She can't remember what it feels like to be home.
AN: Yay for deleted scene moments! Also chapter 10, woohoo! This was really fun to write. I feel bad for Annie because she has a support system at the agency, in Joan, Arthur and Auggie, even Calder or Eric, but she's so far "outside" of what used to be her entire universe that I think she feels like a stranger. The sort of brotherhood I've created amongst Ryan's boys is something she would envy, I think. In fact, in 509 when she's surprised with her welcoming ceremony I think we see more of that. Let me know what you guys think, your reviews always make my day! Shout out to my biggest cheerleaders Primadonna001 and MrMsMingus, as well as Terp4life, whom I'm determined to convert into a Ryan fan before this story is over. ;) xoxo