I'm... What?
(Faith's POV)
My fosters walk into the room with a couple of cops. They all stare at me with that look that I'm very quickly growin' tired of. Pity. Yeah, it sucks, and I'm scared, and I'm pissed. I'm not in a good sitch, I get that, but I don't want anyone's pity. I'd thought Buffy was different. She didn't look at me with pity. The way she looked at me, she wasn't feelin' sorry for me, she wasn't pityin' me, it seemed like she took this attack on me personally. Like she saw it as an attack on her, too, and she wanted revenge. My kinda girl. But I guess I was wrong about her. She's no different from anyone. Just took me longer to figure that out.
"Faith, these officers are here to run some DNA tests. They want to see if the man who... who attacked you... left some evidence... inside you." Carrie explains, and I roll my eyes.
"Fuck that." I say.
"Excuse me?" Carrie looks confused. They all do.
"Look, I got raped. Not attacked, raped. Just say it, will ya? Stop tryin' ta beat around the bush. I'm not gonna take offense if ya decide ta be blunt about it, okay? Now, about this DNA testin', ain't no way in hell Imma let some cop swab me for DNA, or however the hell it's done."
"Well, if you would feel more comfortable, you could provide the swabs yourself. We just want to be very thorough in this investigation, Ms. Lehane." The guy cop explains. "We take sexual assault on minors very seriously."
"Right." I roll my eyes. "'Cept when the assault just happens to have happened on a delinquent like me."
"I'm sorry?"
"Look, it's not the first time this happened. Sure, it's the first time some guy's actually succeeded, but someone's tried to rape me before, and I got arrested for defendin' myself. Did time in juvie. So excuse me for no exactly trustin' that shield you're wearin'."
"Ms. Lehane, I'm sure you-" The lady cop begins. Damn, she's actually kinda hot.
"No, you're not sure of anythin'. Unless you've been in my exact position before, you don't know shit."
"Faith." Linda warns. I roll my eyes, but I don't say another word.
"You're right." The lady cop continues. "You're absolutely right. I never have been in your exact position before. But I've seen girls like you who have. More than I should have, in fact. I've seen too many girls in your position. You're angry now. You're scared, thinking that at any time, the one who did this to you is going to come back and do it again. You're angry that this happened to you, that your luck is just so horrible that something likethis could happen to you. And you're scared that the man who did this is going to get away with it, and be free to do it again, whether to you or to someone else. And you're scared that you're going through this alone. But that's our job, you see. We're here to help you. We're here to investigate and make sure that the sick bastard that did this gets his just desserts. We're here to make sure that you don't have to go through this alone. But we need your help to do that. We need to run some DNA tests. If he has a criminal record at all, then DNA could go a long way to convicting him and getting him sent to prison for a very long time, if not for the rest of his miserable life."
Okay, now I'm impressed. Not used to hearin' cops talk like that. And she sounds like she really is on my side in this. So, I decide to go out on a limb and trust her.
"I like you." I say, my mouth turnin' up at the corners for a slight smile. "You keep it real. I like that. Plus, you're hot, so that's a plus." Blunt and to the point. That's me.
She actually blushes at that.
"Oh, um... well... thank you."
"Hey, don't worry. Not comin' onto ya or anythin'. Prefer my girls to be around my own age. Just sayin', you're not that bad lookin'."
Her partner is tryin', and failin', to keep from laughin'. She notices and punches him in the arm.
"Shut up!" She hisses, which only succeeds in makin' him laugh more. Carrie and Linda are lookin' at them like they're sick for jokin' around and havin' a good time in front of a rape victim, because I'll probably never be happy again. I catch their eyes and smile reassuringly. God, bein' around them is depressin' me now.
"So how's this DNA thing work, anyway?" I ask.
...
I'm leavin' the hospital now. Once the cops left, my fosters checked me out. In the silence we're walkin' in, I think about Buffy. I feel the sadness and anger come back up.
How could she do this? She promised she'd be here. Why did she lie? Was she just tryin' to spare my feelings? God, I shoulda known she was disgusted at the sight of me. Who'd love someone like me? I am just damaged goods now.
"Am I goin' back to school tomorrow?" I ask the fosters.
"Do you want to?" Linda asks.
"Kinda. Just wanna get things back to normal, ya know?"
"Okay. You want one of us to give you a ride, or do you want to ride the bus?"
"Thought I'd just walk tomorrow. Could use the exercise, ya know? Been lyin' down in bed for a couple days now, kinda wanna get up and get the blood flowin'."
"Okay. So what do you want for dinner?"
"What do we have?"
"Chicken."
"Hmm... Lemme think for a minute." It's kind of a ritual between me and Linda. Chicken is all we ever have, because it's all we can afford. But I ask her anyway, 'cause it's just somethin' we've always done. I appreciate her effort to do somethin' normal.
"Take your time."
"Think I'd like pizza tonight."
"Chicken it is."
...
I sit up in bed slowly and look at my phone by my bed. Buffy's callin'. I hit mute on the screen and turn back over, goin' to sleep. After a minute, the light dies on the phone, signalin' that the call ended. I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep, but the light comes back on and I look at the phone again. She's callin' again.
I ignore it and close my eyes, but the light comes back on again almost immediately after the call ended. She's not givin' up, is she?
I ignore it one more time, and the light doesn't come back on. I sigh, and I swear, I'm actually a bit disappointed, but I'm too tired to really care. So, I fall back to sleep, only to be woken up what seems like seconds later by a tappin' on the window. I scramble to the head of the bed, thinkin' that the guy that raped me was back to do it again. The tapin' stops for a minute, and my phone lights up. I pick it up and answer immediately when I see Buffy's name.
"B!" I whisper. "There's someone outside my window!"
Then, the bitch laughs. She fuckin' laughs at me!
"What the hell is so funny about that?!" I hiss.
"Faith, it's me. I'm ouside your window. So come on and open up, would you? It's cold out here."
I relax and say okay. I catch my breath as I walk across the room and open the window. She's right, it is cold out. She crawls into my room, shiverin'. She's wearin' my jacket.
"Where the hell were you earlier today?" I ask angrily. "You said you'd be there by four. You never came."
"That's what I want to talk about. Faith, I am so sorry about that. This guy at school was talking shit about you, and I just kind of lost it, so I got detention after school."
I feel my anger subside a bit.
"Oh."
"Yeah, I'm sorry, Faith. I would have been there if I could have, and I would have been there sooner, but my mom picked me up after detention, and wouldn't let me out of the house before she yelled at me for being so stupid and starting a fight at school. She yelled for a couple hours before I could explain it. Then, I convinced her to take me to the hospital to visit you, but you'd already left. We went home and ate and stuff, then I came straight here after you wouldn't answer my calls. I figured you were mad at me, so I had to come here and explain." Buffy took a couple minutes to catch her breath, then she hugged me. "I'm sorry, Faith. I wanted to call and let you know what happened, but the teacher that I served detention with is totally anti-gay, so she wouldn't let me call my lesbian girlfriend."
"I get it. I'm sorry I got pissed at you. Thought you'd changed your mind about me bein' damaged goods."
"No! God, you mean so much to me, Faith. I'm not going to abandon you like that. You need me now. I'm not going to ignore that. I love you too... much..." We both freeze as we realize what she just said. She pulls back and looks me in the eye.
(Buffy's POV)
I pull back from Faith, and I can see the panic in her eyes, but I'm too stunned myself to say anything.
"I-I-I..." I stammer.
"B... We... we agreed..."
"Yeah... I-I-I know... it... it j-just kind of... you know?"
"Then you didn't mean it?"
"No. Yes... God, I'm so confused!"
"Tell me about it."
"Is... Is it... bad? That I said it? Even by accident?"
"B... I've never had that kinda relationship. Every single little milestone I make with you is a first for me. It... It makes me uncomfortable... I mean, not tryin' to put ya down or somethin', I just mean... It feels wierd... Bein' like this with someone. With you... Bein' around a girl like this... Not havin' sex... With real feelings involved. It's new, and nine times outta ten, I don't know what I'm doin'. Don't know when I make a mistake, or when I do somethin' right. You're the first girl I've been with that I actually care about. But... I'm just not ready for that word, B."
"I understand. I'm sorry. It just slipped out. And, just so you know, you're not alone. This is all new to me, too. I've had a girlfriend before, but not like this. Not like you."
Faith nods in understanding.
"So... um... it's late... maybe I should go..." I say, glancing towards the window, but I think Faith sees that I really don't want to go, and I don't think she wants me to, either.
"Or... Or you could stay... just for a little while..."
I nod, smiling. "I can do that."
Faith nods, grateful.
"So... what you wanna do?" I ask.
"Um... Talk? Talking's good." Faith suggests.
"Yeah. We can talk... About what?"
"Um... how about you? I'd like to talk about you, if that's okay."
"Oh please, I love talking about myself." I joke, trying to break the tension. She laughs slightly and sits down on her bed, against the wall. I sit down in front of her. "So... what do you want to know?"
"Um... How long have you known you're into girls?"
"Um... Well... I'm not certain, but I think it all started when I was spending the night with a friend one night, and I accidentally walked in on her when she was in the middle of changing. I think I was thirteen. She was just beginning to blossom, you know, and by that time, I was beginning to be a bit curious about sex, and... I remember freezing in surprize, and we just stared at each other for a bit, and then I remember trying to calm her down, because she was freaking out, and I told her she was beautiful, and it just kind of clicked. She blushed, then she kissed me, and I kised her back, and... It never went any farther than that. After that night, we just stayed friends and never really spoke about it again. But I think that's when I realized I was a lesbian. I didn't really know that's what it was called, but I knew that I liked girls, not guys."
Faith was smiling. "Kinda figured it was somethin' like that. Kind of innocent, ya know? You just seem like that typa person."
"Yeah... Innocence... That's me."
"What?"
"Well, you said I seem like an innocent person. I was agreeing."
"Okay, somehow, I get the feelin' that there's a double meanin' in there somewhere."
"Well... it's just that... That girl I told you about? My one and only girlfriend? The one that went crazy? We never, um... you know..." I click my tongue suggestively.
"So... you never slept with her?"
"No. Never."
"What about other girls?"
"I just told you. She was my only girlfriend."
"Yeah, but... Wait, you mean... You're a...?"
"Yeah. Like I said. Never had sex with her. Only girlfriend."
"You've never had sex before?"
"No. Never."
Faith slinks back in surprise. "Damn. When I said you seemed innocent, I had no idea how innocent."
"Yeah..." I blush. We fall silent for a while, then Faith realizes we're both sitting on her bed, and she's only wearin a bra and thin pajama bottoms. She jumps up off the bed, like she's afraid I thought she was trying to seduce me, and she shies away from the bed, blushing.
"Oh, sorry." She says. I smile, laughing at her nervousness.
"Don't worry about it. It's no big deal."
"Of course it is!" Faith says, and my heart sinks.
She doesn't like being with a virgin.
"Oh..."
"No! I don't mean it like that! I just mean... If it came down to it, and you and I... ya know... I don't want your first time to be just some random encounter. I want it to be nice. Special."
Tears come to my eyes, and I'm filled with happiness. She actually wants to make my first time special.
"Faith, it will be special, no matter where it is. Just as long as it's with you." I stand up and walk over to her, putting my arms around her and kissing her sweetly.
"Sorry..." Faith apologizes for freaking out. "I just don't wanna take your... ya know... in the back of some car or somethin'. I wanna make a big deal about it. I wanna do the whole nine yards thing. The candles, the soft music, rose petals, doin' it gentle. I wanna make it perfect. Memorable."
I laugh, loving how romantic my girlfriend is.
"But one thing, B... If anyone finds out that I'm really the romantic typa girl, it'll stop, got it?" Faith jokes, but she's also a bit serious, so I lock my lips and throw the key away.
"Never going to breathe a word. Just don't stop being this romantic. I love that about you."
"Deal." She grins, and she kisses me again.
"You know, I just want you to know how amazing I think it is that you're actually willing to talk about stuff like this after what happened to you."
Her jaw sets itself, and I know that the moment's been ruined.
"Faith, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just mean-"
"Yeah. I know. I'm supposed to be curled up in a ball for months on end, refusin' to leave my bed 'cause I'm so scared of the world outside. I'm not supposed to ever wanna have sex again 'cause it'll always bring me back to that. Well guess what, B? I'm not like that. Yeah, I fuckin' hate that I got raped. I don't want it to happen again, but layin' around sulkin' all the time ain't gonna help anythin', B. I'm not gonna let bein' a rape victim stop me from havin' sex in the future, 'cause it's not always gonna be rape. I'm not gonna let the bad things in my life screw up the good things, okay? I don't mind talkin' about bein' raped. Yeah, I'm scared that whoever did it to me is gonna come back and do it again, or try somethin' else, like killin' me or somethin'. Fuck, I'm terrified that that's gonna happen. I mean, you heard how I reacted when I thought that you were the guy when you were tappin' on my window. I'm not gonna lie. I'm fuckin' terrified. But... I'm gonna go to school tomorrow, I'm gonna tell anyone who asks what happened exactly what happened. I'm not gonna act like it's no big deal, but I'm not gonna let it get to me, either. I'm gonna go to school, I'm gonna hang out with my girlfriend, I'm gonna shoot some shit with my friends, I'm gonna try not to nod off in class, I'm gonna kick the other team's ass at dodgeball in gym, then I'm gonna go get my license back so I can ride my bike again, and I'm gonna spend the next week or so tryin', and pretty much failin', to get you on the back of it so I can take you for a ride. Eventually, you're gonna cave, and you'll enjoy it so much you'll be beggin' me to take you for another ride. It'll annoy the hell outta me for a while, at least on the outside, but inside, I'll be lovin' the fact that you enjoy somethin' that I like. Life is gonna go on. I ain't gonna let anyone's life stop just 'cause somethin' bad happened to me."
I pick my jaw up off the floor and clear my throat. "Well, as long as you have a plan." I quip.
She smirks. "Yeah. Unfortunately, though, the fosters are forcin' me to talk to a shrink about it. Don't see the point, I mean, just talkin' to someone who's gonna be analyzin' every damn thing I say ain't gonna go back in time and stop me from gettin' raped. If I want to talk to someone about it, I'll talk to people that actually mean somethin' to me. People that actually care about me, not just the paycheck they'll be gettin' to listen to me whine and complain for an hour each week. And the best therapy I can possibly get is seein' whatever bastard it was that raped me in handcuffs."
I nod in agreement, and I hold her tighter. I smile when I feel her arms tighten around me, too.