Happy 2015, readers! The next chapter will be our last. Thank you for following/favorite-ing/reviewing.
May and Skye pulled into the Playground's garage midafternoon on Wednesday. A few agents happened to be around, so Skye forced herself not to look awkward or pained while she climbed down from the van.
Trip called out across the cavernous space, "Hey Skye! Are you feeling better?"
Say it louder, they might not have heard you in Canada. "Getting there!" she answered brightly, pushing her mouth into a smile.
May caught her eye, and Skye knew, she'd give me her arm and help me back to my bunk if I asked. But she couldn't ask, in front of everyone. She had to walk back alone, and try not to show any pain.
It was a short walk, but it felt like miles.
As she crawled into bed, still fully dressed, unable to care, she thought about something May had said the previous night. As they dined on reheated pizza, she had asked her mentor, "Did you ever think about having kids?"
May's features had given nothing away as she replied, "It stopped being an option for me very early on."
Skye still wasn't sure what May had meant by that.
Half an hour later, Simmons stopped by with sandwiches. "I heard from Trip you guys were back—wasn't sure if you stopped for food—how are you feeling?" The bubbly scientist filled her in on everything that Skye had missed over the last few days. No major operations, just new intel and new experiments and Fitz's incremental progress with his occupational therapy, but Skye was grateful for the update.
After a while Simmons' forced cheer began to lose steam and she hugged her friend, whispering, "I am so, so sorry this happened to you."
Don't worry about it, Skye tried to say, but it came out as, "I am too."
After Simmons left, Skye forced herself through a hot shower. She discreetly limped to the kitchen and retrieved a can of ginger ale and some cookies, figuring she deserved a little treat, then retreated to watch some bad TV on her laptop.
Halfway through the first sitcom she pulled up, however, there was another knock at the door. Dammit, there is never any privacy in this base. "It's open," she sighed.
Director Coulson stepped in. "Welcome back, Skye."
That's not who I expected to see. "Phil Coulson, as I live and breathe," she said, trying to keep things light, "Is medical leave what it takes to get a face-to-face with you these days?"
Phil smiled, a little tensely. "May told me you were home. We'll keep you off field duty for two weeks to be safe and she's going to work you back up to speed in training. But, I came to see how you were doing."
How do you think I'm doing? Skye sat up on the edge of the bed and moved her duffel bag off of the desk chair. "Have a seat. I'm doing . . . ok, I guess? I mean, I'm not jumping for joy."
Phil sat down. "You couldn't be expected to. I've known other agents . . . other women in your position, and none of them came out of it saying 'that was easy' or even 'that was the best decision I've ever made.' No matter what the circumstances. So you don't have to be afraid to tell me honestly, how are you doing?"
He was using his gentle interrogation voice. Basically, if I don't open up to him, he'll coax me open anyway. With a sigh, she admitted, "This has been the single most embarrassing, painful, upsetting experience of my entire crazy life." Her voice didn't break, but it very much wanted to. She looked down at her hands to avoid Phil's eyes.
Then one of his hands came into sight, and he lifted her chin. "You don't have to hide from me, Skye. You never do. Understood?" She nodded. "Listen to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't protect you from Ward."
Skye made a shocked noise and spluttered, "That wasn't your job! This wasn't your fault, DC, I'm old enough to know better . . ."
Coulson interrupted, "S.H.I.E.L.D. failed the world, and it failed you, when it let Hydra slip through the cracks all these years. Ward got into our ranks and onto my team by slipping past every safety mechanism we should have been more careful about. You, Skye . . . you were an innocent bystander until I brought Ward to your, er, car door and dragged you away. Don't beat yourself up because you were old enough to know better. I'm an agent with three decades of experience. So I should've been the one to catch the inconsistencies in Ward's and Garrett's stories. I should've protected you from them, from him. This was never your fault."
The outpouring of self-recrimination was shocking, touching, and confusing all at once. "Well," Skye managed to say, "You didn't tell me to go to bed with him. That part was my fault."
Phil looked uncertain, then amused. He shrugged. "I guess we can split the blame for that part." To both agents' surprise, they each smiled a little bit.
Skye decided to ask the inevitable question. "Did you actually end up telling him?"
His smile faded. "I did, yes."
Deep breath. "How did he take it?" Do I even want to know?
Coulson considered how to answer for a long moment. Having seen the security tapes, he was honestly surprised by the violence of Ward's reaction, but didn't think Skye needed to hear the gory details.
"He was sad," he finally said.
Skye's eyebrows rose. "Sad?" she exclaimed, "What the hell right does he have to be sad?" I'm the one who had to abort my child!
The director laid a hand on her arm. "Concepts like 'right' and 'reasonable' haven't entered into Ward's thinking for a long time, if they ever did. I won't defend his reaction to you. All I can say is, he was sad. Maybe he's just upset he lost control over this situation. Maybe he's got some sort of trigger associated with abortion. Maybe in some twisted way he still cares what happens to you and feels guilty about what he did. I'm not a shrink. All I can tell you is how he reacted."
Skye nodded. And I shouldn't ask questions I don't want to hear the answer to. "Right. Of course. I shouldn't have snapped."
"It's fine. We all slip up on the emotional control front sometimes." Coulson's phone beeped in his pocket, and he glanced at the message. He quickly said, "Sorry, Skye, duty calls. We won't need you for this one, so you get some rest. Let me know if you need anything. OK?"
"OK," Skye agreed, and the director left.
Sitting in her bed, Skye couldn't help but think about Ward. She'd asked herself a million times why she didn't see his betrayal coming, but this time she found herself remembering what he was like just before it happened. How tender, how insecure, how sweet and vulnerable he had seemed in their few short hours spent as lovers. Without realizing she was doing it, she pictured what their baby's big brown eyes would've looked like.
She blinked back tears. Enough crying over this. It's time to move on.