General Story Notes: This started off as an idea, and it seemed like a good one, a little different maybe, but able to go somewhere, seemingly endless possibilities. But I think my 'new to fandom' self has bitten off more than it can chew. So at times, when writing this chapter, I was wishing I had just prompted someone else, who is much more experienced and a much better writer to do it justice. But alas, I have started, and I will finish, but I admit, this rookie is struggling. So I am going to post it, hope for the best, and try to do better next chapter. I think the entirety of this story is going to end up being shorter than I had originally planned because I just can't seem to get the dialogue flowing, and I apologize for that in advance.

Thank-you, so much, to everyone who has read, reviewed, followed and favourited. Makes a girl happy.

Chapter Notes: So, this one is going to be more texty. Making it clear that Gail is getting use to this way of sharing herself. I wanted to convey how Gail is likely bouncing from pillar to post because she is so conflicted. I would like to think that Gail is writing a text or 2 every few days. However, creating every single bit of that dialogue is not something I am not quite yet qualified to produce, lest it be deathly boring. But I wanted everyone to know, that between the lines, that is the frequency I am thinking Gail would be texting.

Editing notes: I was finding it hard to differentiate between inner musings and texting. So inner musings will stay as texts will now be bold. Let me know if this doesn't work.

Niether one of these two lovelies belong to me, Rookie Blue has that privilege. I do however, own all mistakes.

Chapter 3: I'm Afraid You'll Never Find Me

I'm wandering
I'm crawling
I'm two steps away from falling
I just can't seem to get around
I'm heavy
I'm weary
I'm not thinking clearly
I just can't seem to find solid ground
Since you've been around

I'm running
I'm hiding
I'm afraid you'll never find me
because I've always felt lost in the crowd
I'm sinking
I'm drowning
I'm so afraid of losing
my head's been spinning round and round
since you've been around.

I'm foolish and crazy
I just think that maybe
I've got a lot of things to figure out
I'm winning
I'm losing
I'm afraid of never choosing
this heart of mine was so beaten down
before you came around

Rosie Thomas

Day 25

'There was a dead body at Wal-Mart today.'

'You should have seen the crowd. It was like white trash appreciation day or something.'

'You and your lunchbox missed the highest number of butt cracks I have ever seen in one building.'

'I should have called the Guinness book.'

'Would have made Mamma Peck proud! "Gail Peck - Observed most butt cracks in a single dwelling".'

'I did get some Krispy Kremes though, so not a total loss.'

As the day lugs on, the radio chatter provides an odd kind of comfort to the constant prattle of your Holly conscience. Its familiar and easy. You understand the code. You grew up on the code. You can communicate effectively with the code. Relationships would be less complicated with the code.

10-1 Poor copy - I don't understand what you are saying. Please repeat so my brain can comprehend.

10-2 Good copy - Yes! Loud and clear. Lets do that!

10-33 Emergency - I am freaking out.

10-3 All stop transmitting – You are saying things I don't want to hear, please stop talking before I blow up and say things you will regret later.

10-37 Suspect under investigation - I am detecting bullshit

10-4 Acknowledgement - I understand and accept your terms.

10-40 Nothing wanted on checked party - I'm ignoring you.

10-6 Busy unless needed - I kind of don't like you right now, but ultimately, I care and will come if you really need me.

10-7 Out of service - fuck off.

10-50 Accident - sorry, that just came tumbling out.

10-8 In service - good to go. Lets talk, drink, fuck, whatever you want.

10-100 Bomb threat - I am going to blow a gasket if you keep doing what you're doing.

You could revolutionize the whole dating industry. There could be pamphlets and seminars. You'd make a mint. The concept seems simple enough. Problem is, you, Gail Peck are not a simple person. You scratch and bite and claw your way through life, You barely have a kind word for anyone who crosses your path and you're angry, almost all of the time. Okay, so hire someone else to deliver the seminars. The code would just provide you with a justifiable way to communicate less until, you were absent completely. No need for 'cat in tree', just understand the code.

#####

Day 31

Holly handing over her boarding pass, is on constant repeat, distracting you from just about everything. You wanted to scream 10-33! 10-33! But you are a fucking coward. You just watched, petrified, stock-still as she walked out of your life. And you let her. You just let her go. But what the hell were you going to do Peck? She chose. And she didn't choose you.

You wonder how many texts will be enough? How many will it take before you stop thinking about her every other second? How many will it take to stop the ache that comes each and every time you remember that she chose a job over you? How many before you stop replaying the scene at the Penny where you were a complete ass? You quit first. But she quit last.

Your phone is in your hands flying across the keyboard before the thoughts register in your subconscious.

'You know that day we met your friends? The day everything got so monumentally fucked up?'

'I gushed about you!'

'To the king of the nerds!'

'That's how stupid happy you were making me.'

'You had so much power.'

'Gushed Holly! Pecks don't gush. Its removed from our genetic code the minute we start growing in the womb.'

5 min later

'I was better with you. I'm so lost baby.'

'I don't know how to be the person I was with you. You being here was kind of the whole point of that person existing.'

Another 10 min later

'You know what? Fuck this. You are not here and you are not listening and I don't know why I am still doing this.'

30 min later

'Could you not have fucked off 4000 km away? Like maybe fucked off to Peterborough? Or Ottawa? You left the god damn country!'

2 hrs Later

'But what reason did I give you to stay?'

'I'm sorry it took me so long to come back. I just had to stop talking.'

'Letting out the angry brat to play is just easier than taking stock of my own part in this.'

Day 39

'Heading out for my weekly Sophie visit.'

'I wish you could have met her.'

'Maybe then you would have understood.'

'Do you think that saving her could save me too?'

After visit

'God Holly, she's so awesome. You know, you moved to another country, but she lost her Mum. Her Mum Holly. And she's still so open and somehow willing to let me in. I am so lucky to know her.'

'My broken heart will survive today because there are awesome people like Sophie who have endured so much more and still find a way to smile. '

Later that night

'I might have been all kinds of stupid after I walked out on you that night, but my heart never left you. Not for a second.'

'And now my heart is in San Francisco. Does my heart like it there?'

Day 46

'I lost her Holly.'

'To another family.'

'They are so lovely and they can give her so much and she really likes them.'

10 min later

'Because of my job, the case worker pulled a few strings and I got to meet them.'

'We really got on well. I even like them. They made it clear, they want me to be in her life as much as I want.'

'They are even going to a lawyer to have me legally named as her guardian if anything happens to them. Or so they say anyway.'

'We have a weekly standing date for donuts and hugs. Lots of hugs.'

20 min later

'This hurts so much.'

'I just want you to hold me and tell me its a good thing, for her, that everything will be okay, because no matter what, I will still have you.'

'I can't breath Holly. It just hurts so bad.'

'I love that little girl and I love you and I'm alone and I don't know what I did wrong?'

Stop it Gail. You can't die of a broken heart, or a stupid heart.

Day 48

'I am done laying on my floor, sober, texting you and being alone.'

'I don't want to fight anymore Holly. I don't want to fight this anymore.'

'Why haven't you called or texted?'

'You said you were going to ask me to come with you.'

'Doesn't that mean you loved me?'

'But you don't treat people you love like that.'

'You just don't.'

1 hours later

'This battle inside of my head has to stop.'

'I am so fucking in love with you but I don't trust you.'

'I need to know why you left.'

'I need to know, if you knew, the day you came to get me back.'

'I am tired of not having the answers.'

'I am tired of being inside of my own head.'

'And I am so sick of missing you and wondering why?'

2 hours later

'My head belongs in your lap while you read to me.'

'Harry Potter's my favourite. I like him. Such an underdog.'

'At this point, I don't think it would matter if you read me the damn phone book, I just miss you.'

'All of you.'

'You have my heart baby.'

Notes: I don't know much about the adoption process, this is just the way I wanted it to work out.