General Notes: I can't thank everyone enough for the support, especially after the last chapter. Any and all comments are welcome. Good, bad, ugly. Bring it.
Chapter Notes: I promised there would be some of Holly's POV, so here it be. We don't really know that much about Holly. But with her education and chosen field, I don't imagine her being someone that processes personal things like Gail. So, there are no texts in this chapter. I imagine her being someone who debates with her subconscious in order to sort out her feelings.
Editing Notes: Let me know if the subconscious talking is confusing in regards to who is talking and I will attempt to find a way to punctuate differently. The starting line is always the subconscious.
Chapter 4: These Broken Bones
Walking a fine line between wrong and right
And I know...
There is a part of me that I try to hide
But I can't win
And I can't fight
Caught in the confines of the simple life
And I am...
Holding my head high in the rising tide
Running away from the world outside
I'm not coming home now
I know...
I'm so far away
So far from home
Now I am calling
Hoping you'll hear me
We all need somebody
To believe in something
And I won't fear this
When I am falling
We all need somebody
That can mend... These broken bones
Rev Theory
Day 0
Stop fidgeting Stewart. This is happening.
She's not coming. She can't get into this area. It's not like it would have changed anything right?
Last night you wallowed in your own self pity, sobbing uncontrollably on your bedroom floor for hours. You hoped, as much as you feared, that she would come to you and you would spend the rest of the night with nothing between you but the truth. The truth that you loved each other, but it just wasn't your time. You wanted that perfect memory of tearful, but loving goodbyes to carry across the endless distance.
Instead you stand here alone, amongst strangers, fidgeting with your glasses and your boarding pass because if you don't keep your hands busy you are going to call her or text her or simply walk right out of this suddenly confining airport and beg her to forgive you. To tell her you might have stayed, if only she'd asked. But she didn't ask and you weren't trained to make decisions about your personal life. Gail and your indescribable feelings for her didn't come with an instruction manual 'Gail for Dummies'. Consequently, that fateful night at The Penny, no matter how intense your connection, you didn't know what to do when she shut you out, because Gail just didn't do that to you. You did what you would have done with anyone else, forgetting that there was no one else like Gail and that she needed to be handled differently.
You had sent some texts and left a few voice mails and ceased. You knew better. And what did that say about you? If you had wanted her back that badly, you would have figured it out, you would have sought out every conceivable avenue until you found the one that worked. And then, when the two of you did find your way back to each other, it had ended, again, just as suddenly as it began. How is it that two people so right for each other could fuck up their timing with such amazing precision?
Hands shaking, you hand over your boarding pass, you stand tall, faking a bravado you don't own. You are Dr. Holly Stewart, graduated top of your class, young and well known as an expert in your field, sought after for high profile job in San Francisco. You can recite anatomy text books in your sleep and you speak for the dead when they can't speak for themselves. You, Dr. Stewart will be fine. You can handle a broken heart. Gail Peck was not your life. This is your life. Get on the damn plane.
Day 12
You were surviving just fine without Gail Peck. She'd barely entered your mind. Her presence certainly wasn't missed. You don't need someone to step into your secret places and tell you its okay to be there. That being human is allowed and Dr. Stewart didn't always have to be present and accounted for. You don't need someone to catch your tears when they fall and whisper over and over again that you did everything you could, until you believe it. You don't need someone to show up at work with your favourite lunch, out of the blue, because she stealthily kept track of your crime scenes and intuitively knew when you needed her gentle presence. You don't need to be on someone's mind so much that you receive random texts all day about the most indiscriminate, meaningless things she observes on her beat. And you certainly don't need someone who can devastate you body and mind with a single look . Nope. You are accomplished and driven and downright smart Dr. Stewart. Maybe a little arrogant too. Deal with it.
Day 15
Today was a bad day. One of those days you wished you'd called in sick. Today Gail would have brought you coffee. Today, Gail would have been the officer that volunteered, before anyone else could, for morgue duty. She always knew when you needed her on the job. And even though she wouldn't be right next to you, she would be there, like a silent force. Making you go on when you didn't think you could. Caresses stated in monosyllabic expressions. She would be there understanding and caring. You needed her today and so your iPod played her song on repeat, keeping you focused, pretending that she was actually there, offering her unspoken support, and making you believe, that if you could just get through the day, everything would be alright. Because when the day was over, she would pick you up and drive you home, make you tea and hold you until the hurting stopped.
Day 20
You were unapologetically daydreaming, humming along with your iPod, your thoughts getting decidedly more inappropriate as you let your mind wander. She always tasted like dew drops on a crisp fall morning-
How many times have you listened to that song today Dr. Stewart?
I don't believe I requested the pleasure of your company.
Now, now, don't say things you don't mean.
Shut up. Go away.
I'm waiting...
Fine...seven. I have listened to it seven times...so far.
And how much less is that than yesterday?
One. And I've listened to other songs!
Any that are not from the 'I'm so stupid for leaving Gail' playlist?
Its called Gail. Just Gail.
Only because of the character allotment.
Do you have a purpose? I'm working.
No you're not! You forget I can see inside your head. Nice replay btw. Gail can really-
Hey! That's enough. You are a persistent little bugger today aren't you?
Well, how else are you going to figure things out?
I'm pretty smart you know.
Hearts don't have brains
'You're telling me.' she mumbled
Processing is your skill. You are trained to process, its what you do. Gail is going to be a process. Instead of avoiding, you will immerse. This is how healthy people get over things. Allow yourself to meticulously go over the evidence and record the clues and ultimately, discover the cause of death. Approaching with intellect and leaving no room for emotion.
Cause of death hypothesis #1: Gail's insecurities.
Cause of death hypothesis #2: You dating way too soon – and telling Gail about it.
Cause of death hypothesis #3: Gail trying to adopt Sophie.
Most Probable Cause of death: You left the country.
You can approach this rationally and with purpose.
Crime: Relationship Failure
Evidence:
Suspect vacating The Black Penny due to wrongful assumption of other suspects feelings for her
Suspect avoiding all attempts at contact from other suspect
Other suspect advising she is seeing someone else
Suspect speaking from the heart and other suspect walking away
Other suspect passionately trying to reconcile
Suspects meeting after work with things to say
Suspect adopting a child
Other suspect leaving the country – but left phone number
Suspect didn't call.
Evidence shows that both parties are equally at fault.
Really?
Again? Didn't we already have our allotted bonding time for the day?
You know damn well I don't come round unless you will it.
That is highly debatable
Dr. Stewart, I am your subconscious, you have to conjure me. Therefore, that oversized frontal lobe of yours, is gently telling me, to tell you, that your process is inadequate and ultimately inconclusive.
If I push my fingers into my temples hard enough, will you stop talking?
Fine. Stew in your own pride.
You're a pain in the ass.
You told me to be here.
Don't remind me.
#####
Day 29
Hey! Wallower!
What did you just call me?
You heard me.
Don't underestimate the value of wallowing
I wouldn't dare
Lately, I spend my evenings and weekends there. Comes with good music and copious amounts of alcohol.
I suppose I did tell you more with the feeling and less with the emotionless processing
Yep.
You sound miffed?
Miffed? Seriously? I am bordering on homicidal. I am sitting on my, expensively appointed, living room floor with a bottle of tequila, processing my broken heart by watching her favourite movie and sinking into a well of despair worthy of a Buffy Musical episode...yeah you did real good. This processing is so much healthier.
#####
Day 30
The buzzing is coming from somewhere in the room. Likely from wherever you dropped your phone last night. When you open your eyes, you are impressed that your substantially inebriated brain managed somehow to put your arse in bed and under the covers no less. You are not, however, sure that making it to your local coffee shop is going to be possible and that seems like an offence punishable by death when you don't have a working coffee maker. Where the hell is that god damn phone? Testing the waters, you raise yourself slowly into a sitting position. Okay, so far, not going to vomit, lets try putting our feet on the floor. Whoa! The pain hits, hard. Easy there Stewart, take it slow. Did you leave anything in that bottle? I have to shut off that fucking alarm.
Talking. Talking from your living room. Why are there people talking in your living room? You don't know anyone here.
Gail's movie. On repeat. Gail. When the hell is this going to get better?
But you know it won't, not until you stop blaming her. And you know damn well its not all her fault. You left. You flew 4000 km away from her. You made a choice. You didn't choose her.
How does one function when they realize their heart is not longer in their possession?
Fuck. Off.
Too early?...
No response
Okay, too early.
#####
Day 38
You smiled at the barista as you accepted your latte. It was a beautiful morning. Lower Pacific Heights. The people, the sounds, the sights, mmmmm, the coffee. This city gave you have an amazing job, in an amazing facility, with an amazing house. You are a lucky woman.
One problem…
Morning annoying one. Pray tell me, what problem?
You don't give a shit about any of it.
Of what are you talking?
Pride and Prejudice? Really? That's where we're going to start?
I haven't the pleasure of understanding you.
Fine. I'll go, for now. But your heart isn't changing its mind Stewart. We are going to have to talk about this sooner or later.
Its only been 34 days, 3 hours and 16 minutes.
Trying to prove my point before I even make it?
I thought you said you were going.
Shaking your head, dispelling your melancholy, you continue exploring your new neighbourhood. The wind blows through your hair and to the outside observer, it would seem that you haven't a care in the world. The park across the street is alive with early morning playtime and the smell of coffee and bagels hang loose in the air. You linger, in the noise, because you can't bare to set foot back into your empty apartment. There will be no black combat boots blocking the door so that it bounces back and almost dislodges half the groceries you have in your hands. There will be no cheese puffs falling out of your canned goods cupboard, because she literally stored them everywhere, and there will be no second toothbrush in the cup. But more than any of those things, what you miss most is Gail's amazing ability to listen to you, even when you had no words. That even though it didn't seem like it, Gail was always listening to you. She heard every word. I'm lonely Gail. What the hell have I done?
This is ridiculous.
So take some action.
Why did I leave?
Did you forget you made that itemized list?
Kiss my ass.
No.
More time, I just need more time.
You know, as well as I do that time doesn't heal all wounds.
Thank you Doctor Phil. I'll just have to find new ways to deal with it then won't I?
sigh
Seriously, did my subconscious just sigh?
Penance is often deliberations spoken in silence. The unworthy always lecture to themselves.