Notes: Hit the block again. Arrgh! I just can't seem to find the balance with this story. Thank-you for all the support with this story, but I think I am doomed to disappoint folks. However, agonizing over this chapter isn't getting it written, so I am going to post it and hope for the best. Reviews are always welcome and I am well aware this might very well be rubbish!

Chapter Notes: Its short. Really short. This is a bridge chapter. Plain and simple. I needed to find a way to get to the next chapter, which has been written for some time. Here we go.

Editing notes: texts are in bold once again.

Chapter 5 – Ten Years From Now

Ten years from now
When I turn around
Will I be satisfied
When I look back on life

Don't tell me it's too late
Don't tell me that I threw it all away
Don't tell me that I did this all in vain

I have my reasons
Why I walk this lonely road
And I never return
Was it worth the life of sacrifice
Ten years from now

#####

Day 58

He's calm, he's following you with his eyes from his place on the couch. Oliver is your friend. You trust him. And he seems to accept, that being inside your head, is kind of like playing hopscotch in a minefield. Because here he is, listening to your sorted, undecided ramblings about the girl who left you behind. And you're sober. Why the hell are you sober? You've yelled, you've cried, you've paced and through it all, he has sat on your damn couch and listened.

'You can't make yourself matter to someone Oliver!' You spat. You're frustrated and you're tired.

'Oh darlin', is that what you think? That you didn't matter?'

'Of course that's what I think! When someone accepts a job over 4000 km away from you, that's sort of the definition of not mattering don't you think?'

You are rapidly regressing to old Gail. Angry, doesn't give a shit about anyone, Gail.

'Darlin' do you think that just because you were the one who got left, that you hurt more?'

'Ummmm, yeah, kinda do!' obvious

Oliver favours you with his best fatherly look and he doesn't have to speak, you know exactly what he's saying. I love you, no matter what, but you are a dumb ass.

'Don't look at me with that tone.'

'Darlin' he sighs 'You love her right?'

'Yeah.' You quietly admit as your gaze involuntarily drops to the floor.

'And you both made mistakes right?'

You nod.

'Do you think she'd come back if you asked her to?'

You shrug, but then after a moment, you shake your head no, tears filling your eyes.

'Do you think you could make it work long distance until you two crazy kids figure it out?'

Another shrug

'Gail.' Oliver soothes

'Yeah?'

'Look at me darlin' he softens when you look up with watery eyes. He reaches to cup your cheek and whispers, 'You need to get out of your own way.'

#####

Its late. You're pacing. You're reading over the texts you were too gutless to send and driving yourself mad. Oliver left hours ago. You are still sober and you need to decide. You need to forgive her. You need to forgive yourself. And then you need to decide what you are willing to lose, if you let her go. Do you want a life with her? Are you willing to do what it takes to make that happen? Are you willing to fly out there and have her fly to you and skype and email and text and miss her, until you can be together? Are you willing to have her reject you? Will she accept how much Sophie means to you? Will she be a part of that – because that is non-negotiable. But as the time ticks away and you turn it all over in your head, you start realize, that maybe everything else on that list just might be.

'Would you have me if I came?'

'What the hell would I do there?'

20 min later

"You're a doctor. Perhaps I could live a life of leisure. '

'Yoga on the weekday mornings.'

'Kept wives shopping trips on Thursday afternoons.'

'Drink for your hand when you walk through the door and a - How was your day dear?'

2hrs later

'Could Sophie come and visit?'

3hrs later

'Would you come back if I asked?'

'Are you sitting in San Francisco missing me? Or was this the right decision for you?'

4hrs later

'Why did I let you leave? I just stood there. I am such a fucking coward.'

'Oliver told me to get out of my own way.'

'I want to be in your way.'

6hrs later

'Oh my god, this is all kinds of stupid. I am going to sit down, without alcohol, and I am not getting up until I make a decision...or my shift starts. And I am going to text you a hundred more times if I have to, but I will see this through.'

Holly fucking Stewart. She was just this force that stomped its way into your heart before you had any idea what was happening. Your heart didn't consult you, it just ran to her like she was the biggest present under the tree on Christmas morning. And kissing Holly was like Christmas morning on steroids. Focus Gail. You need to focus on the good and the bad, remember, you left her and then she left you.

What if you weren't her Christmas morning?

6.5 hrs later

'Do you like Christmas morning?'

'I just had this awful image of Chloe on Christmas morning. I bet it looks like Christmas threw up all over every surface of her apartment. And her and Dov snuggling by the Christmas tree, I bet she gets up at 5... I think I just ruined Christmas morning for myself.'

8hrs later

Your phone is buzzing. Mocking you from across the room where you tossed it an hour ago. You had to stop reading the texts or you were going to shoot the phone with your own gun. Its time Peck. Decide.

'Its time for shift. I've decided baby. I hope its the right one...for both of us.'

#####

Division 15 never empties. But today, you walk through it all with purpose. You don't stop at your locker, you don't pay attention to the officer manning the desk or return their 'hello'. Your eyes on one destination.

Oliver looks up when you knock.

'Hey Darlin'

'I did it.'

'Did what?'

"Decided.'

'Well' he sighs 'Have a seat darlin'. Lets sort this all out before you start your shift.'