Chapter 4

Jenny was a bombshell. She was just taller than Steve, had nice curvy hips. Her warm brown hair was set in perfect pin-curls and just…wow. The kicker though was that she was also interested in art, and not so much in dancing. Steve was sitting with Jenny while Bucky and his date were on the dance floor. He smiled timidly at the girl.

"So, uh, you said you like art?" He asked, trying to fill the silence. Steve's heart was racing, his palms sweaty. This girl kept giving him looks. Looks that promised more after tonight's first date. It made his stomach sour with worry and dread.

"Yes. I draw a little myself, I hear that's what you mainly do? I'm more of a painter." She said shyly, tucking her hair behind her ear. God, she looked so sweet. Steve couldn't do this.

"Oh, that's great. I tried to paint, but I have trouble. I-uh, can't see some colors." He muttered and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. She reached out and took his trembling hand in hers.

"Hey, it's okay. Bucky told me you were a shy thing, and that girls made you nervous. I don't mind, I think it's sweet." She smiled and scooted closer to Steve. The contact made another wave of panic shoot through him. Touching always set him on edge, even when it was just Bucky. He pulled his hand back and took a deep breathe. I'm so sorry, he wanted to say.

"It's not that. Look, you look like a really sweet girl, but you ain't my type. You're…not pretty enough for me, doll." He said, and waited. Jenny stared at him, eyes tearing up a little. She…thought they were making a connection. She stood up and slapped Steve across the cheek, going to find Bucky and her friend, Claire, so they could go home.

Steve sighed deeply and slumped, letting his head hit the table. This was just great… Bucky came storming over, grabbing him by the shoulder so he could sit up and look at the enraged brunette. "What the hell is wrong with you!?" He hissed, pulling Steve out of the dive bar. Steve let him rant and rave until they got home. His words hurt.

"I can't believe you Steven Rogers! Do you know how hard it is to find a girl who ain't lookin' for a soldier?! She was an artist too! You would have been perfect! But no, you have to go and say she ain't 'pretty enough' for you? What the fuck is your problem, Steve? Every single girl I-"Steve growled and whipped around to glare at Bucky.

"Well maybe you should just stop meddling in my life! I don't need you trying to set me up with dames! I don't want a dame! I am so sick and tired of you acting like you know me when you don't, Buck!" He yelled back.

Bucky stared at him. "What do you mean you don't want a dame? Steve you've never even kissed anyone." He shook his head and ran his hand in his once neatly combed hair. "Look, I'm just trying to-"

"To help?! To help me what? Find a dame because that is what we are supposed to do? Well that's not what I fucking want, Bucky." Bucky stared at him. Steve was cussing…Steve rarely cussed, even at Bucky. "You think- You think I want what you want. You think I want to go out dancin' at night and drinkin' and meeting dames so I can come back and have a good time with them. That's not what I want at all. That's not what I can have!" The smaller blonde's chest started to heave as he got himself all upset. His cheeks red from screaming.

"Steve. Stevie calm down yer gonna give yourself an attack-"Bucky tried, stepping toward the worked up man.

"No. Shut up and listen for once will ya! Do you ever stop to ask what I actually want instead of just assumin'? No! You wanna know what I really want, Bucky? What really makes me happy and makes me want to keep fucking going on?" Steve's eyes were brimming with tears and he didn't even realize it. He was so wrapped up with his own whirlwind of emotions consuming him. He didn't even know what he was saying. "I want you! I always fucking have and I always will!"

The room fell silent. The two young men caught in a staring contest. Steve's words hung in the air like thick smoke. The blonde's eyes widened when he realized what the hell he had just said, his hand going up to cover his mouth. Bucky was stunned and gaping at his best friend.

"Steve!" He called, delayed. He watched the short man bolt from the room and out of the apartment. Bucky stopped at the door, watching as he was already at the stairs.

Steve didn't hear Bucky call his name. He only heard the sound of his racing heart in his ears as he bolted. He ran into the night, not stopping until his lungs burned and he was practically having an asthma attack. He slumped against the wall of a bar and caught his breathe. He looked up at the sign…he might as well drink tonight from his memories…. Maybe that would numb the pain tomorrow when Bucky kicks him out.