Chapter 5

Do you ever feel like you are drowning? Whether it is literally from the amount of liquid in your mouth or emotionally? Well that's how Steve felt right now. He had gotten kicked out of the bar just before sunlight, and he was piss-ass drunk. He was stumbling home, head barely on straight enough to stop walking to vomit in an alley. But, somehow he had made his way home.

Bucky had waited up all night, worried sick over the little blonde. He said he loved him…The words made Bucky's skin crawl with excitement. He never knew Steve swung that way, and yet he was absolutely okay with it. Bucky didn't give a shit about race, or if you were a fairy or not. He didn't care in the comfort of their home what Steve did. Steve was Steve, and Bucky would always do whatever it took to keep him happy, healthy and alive. He was sitting on the couch, the side lamp on in the early hour when he heard a ruckus at the door. He got up and opened it.

"Christ, Steve. What did you do; drink your weight in cheap gin?" Bucky said and grabbed Steve by the shoulder, easing him into the apartment and shutting the door. All the anger had left the brunette. He couldn't be mad at Steve for pushing away all the dames he tried to set him up with if he was a fairy…

"Shuddup… I dun' need yer pity." The blonde slurred and swat at Bucky's hand. Steve was a lightweight when it came to booze, he always head been. So, going out and drinking as much as he did was a very bad idea. He could barely stand up that's how drunk he was.

Bucky just sighed, guiding Steve to sit down on the couch. "Just stay here, Punk. There ain't no pity." He said and walked off to get a bucket. He knew Steve was going to be puking, that was a promise in the state that he was currently in. He handed the bucket to the smaller boy.

Steve hugged it close, and looked at Bucky with dazed eyes. He got misty eyed as he looked at his best friend. "Yer gonna kick me out…" He muttered into the bucket. Bucky frowned and sat down on the couch beside him.

"I ain't gonna kick you out. I got no reason to kick you out, Steve. 'Sides I promised yer Ma I wouldn't let you get yourself in trouble…" Bucky whispered and pet Steve's head. Steve shook his head, tears falling and making soft sounds as they landed in the bucket.

"Steve, what's gotten into you? Huh?" Bucky asked, squeezing the younger man's shoulder. He knew now wasn't the best time to be having a serious conversation with the blonde, but it was probably the only time he would ever really open up to Bucky. Steve took in a shaky breathe, his cheeks burning with shame.

"Just kick me out, I ain't worth it." He muttered and looked away from Bucky. "I love ya, and it ain't gonna change. You shouldn't live with a fairy, Buck, find a dame and have fun." He sighed. There was an edge seeping into Steve's voice. A venom that the brunette couldn't place. Steve knew that tone all too well though, it was the same self-loathing tone that was in his head.

Bucky frowned and pulled him closer. "…What if I don't want a dame now that I know that's how you feel too?" He murmured into Steve's hair. Steve shook his head again. Bucky kissed his head. "I want you, you little shit. Now puke and get sober so we can talk about this like adults."

Steve kept shaking his head. His voice came out in a small scared whisper; "No one would ever want me if they knew…" The brunette instantly frowned with worry.

"If they knew what, Steve?" He said, turning Steve so he could look him in the eyes. Tears sluggishly slipped out over those long lashes.

"That I'm a freak…" He breathed and pulled out of the embrace. Bucky had it. He didn't like the blonde talking like that. He pulled Steve so he was sitting in his lap, facing him. Steve's eyes were wide at the man-handling, but still glazed over with raw emotion and booze.

Bucky cupped his cheek in his larger, work calloused hand. His thumb swept over Steve's rosy bottom lip. "I have no clue what you are talkin' 'bout, Stevie…" He whispered, looking the other man over. "Yer the prettiest man I have ever seen." He softly kissed the flushed, tear-sticky cheek. Steve stared at him stunned and went to protest.

"Shush, just listen." Bucky said and thumbed his cheek. "You're perfect to me, Steve. You're so pretty dames should be jealous." He kissed just below his eye. "Yer eyes are so pretty, and your eyelashes are a sin. How did you get to be so damn handsome, Stevie?" He pulled back and kissed the blonde, internally grimacing at the taste of cheap gin.

Steve was shell-shocked. It vaguely got through what Bucky was saying. He loved Steve too, and he was calling him things like pretty, and perfect. All of the things Steve could never be. He groaned softly against Bucky's lips and kissed back.

"I wanna show you how much I love you…" Bucky murmured and picked the blonde up, flipping them so he could hover over him. Steve blinked up at him and nodded. He wanted more. He never wanted Bucky to stop kissing him. He reached up and pulled the soldier down for another deep frantic kiss. Bucky chuckled into it and started on the buttons of Steve's shirt.

Steve was lost in the sensation. His virgin body so caught up in how amazing it felt to be touched. Bucky was kissing at his neck, and quickly working his way down. He stopped, Steve's legs wrapped around his waist, as he kissed and teased the petite man's rosy nipples. Steve was a gasping moaning mess. It all felt so good. Bucky's hand went to undo the button on Steve's pants…and it was like thunder cracked.

Steve sat up, quickly shoving at Bucky's chest. A ragged, "NO!" left the blonde as he pulled away, curling into himself. His chest was heaving, panic tightening in his chest. Bucky was calling his name, his hands on Steve's skinny shaking shoulders. The blonde didn't hear him. He was stuck somewhere between a panic attack and an asthma attack. He was heaving, trying hard to get air into his lungs. Then…

Then everything went black.