"Are you ready to admit it?" Renee asked. She was berating me over the phone. Again. I'd ended up spending two days in the hospital. Edward and Esme had literally saved me. My mom, though sad she hadn't been the one to help me, had been gushing on and on about how wonderful they had been. It was pretty strange. My mom was harebrained and erratic, but always fiercely loyal. When I'd showed up at her doorstep as a pregnant college drop-out, she'd swallowed down any disappointment for the life she wanted for her daughter and put all her energy into building me up, loving me, and loving Owen. Her support, her unquestioning loyalty, is what helped me become who I am today. Six months ago, she couldn't even stand to look at someone named Edward. Couldn't even stand to hear the name. Once back in Florida the news was on while we cooked dinner and a man named "Edward" had gone on a Bank Robbing spree. She'd sworn, changed the channel, and then proclaimed, "Nothing good ever came out of anyone with that name." I bit my tongue, glad that Owen couldn't possibly understand the vitriol she spewed at half his DNA. So…yeah. This was definitely a change of opinion for my Mom.
"Ready to admit what?" I sighed.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about," she replied as only a mother can.
I did, of course.
"I'd like to hear you ask me specifically." I was stalling.
"Are you ready to admit that you love Edward? That you always have, and that you always will."
"That's a pretty strong opinion," I said quietly. This was getting into seriously awkward territory. My mom was good at that. She had a way of cutting right to the root of my problems. Of course it's always easier to see what's wrong in other people's lives, but she was especially talented at solving other people's heartbreak. She was convinced she could bring world peace if people would just "freaking listen" to her.
"The whole world knows it's true," she quipped back. "Bella, if it were anyone else, I'd say you had to act on this before you lost your chance, but I think Edward would wait for you forever. So I guess that technically you can take your time to think about this. But the longer you take to think, the longer you have to live without him. We all know how this story ends, sweetie. All of us. You and Edward, you're meant to be."
"Mom, I literally never though I'd hear you say that," I said, laughing embarrassedly. "Remember when Phil had to reinstate the swear jar cause every time you heard his name you'd go off like a drunken sailor?"
"I'd like to think I was more of a 'Spicy Poet'."
"I'm sure you would," I replied back sarcastically. "I can't even imagine what your kindergartener parents would think of their beloved Mrs. Dwyer if they knew the filth you could dish out."
"Honey, you're deflecting. We all know how talented I am. We also all know that you are and always have been in love with Edward. And we all know that you belong together."
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. I was super tired, still recovering from the Flu Epidemic of 2015. After a full week off work, I'd put on my Big Girl panties last Monday and had just slogged my way through my first full week of work. Owen was finally in bed, and I just wanted to fall into oblivion myself. But mom had been calling non-stop all week and I couldn't put her off anymore. She had me now, and she wasn't going to let go.
"Mom…it's just…" I swallowed, and composed myself. My exhaustion was already making me teary, I didn't want this to end up in a cry-fest. She was really good at those, and I just…wasn't. What was cathartic to her felt awkward and debilitating to me. I was Charlie's daughter, after all. I took another deep breath. "Mom, you saw how hard it was to loose Edward the first time. It just about broke me. And I can't let that happen again. I have to be whole. I have to be functional. It's not about me anymore. I'm a mom."
"Oh sweetie, my love, that is total crap."
"No, it's not, it's how I feel."
"Honey, it's about Owen and you now. You can't be a good mom if you don't take care of yourself. You have to fill your own bucket."
"Oh my gosh, did you really just quote that stupid book to me?"
"Yes, I did. And it's TRUE. You always do this. You give and give and give, and you don't take anything back in return. I love that you are so generous. I love that you take such good care of everyone around you, but you're going to hit a wall. You're going to come up empty. How can you take care of your sweet son if you don't do anything to take care of yourself?"
"I take care of myself!" I said defensively. "I… I eat well! I get plenty of sleep!"
"I'm sure you do, because you're responsible. But when's the last time you did something irresponsible and selfish just because you wanted it?"
My silence spoke volumes. I couldn't let that happen, so I tried to fill it. "Just…the other week. I read a book."
"What book?"
"Um..ok, well, I listened to an audio book."
"What book?"
"Um, some thing from the library."
"Mmmmhmmm, and what did you do while you listened to the book? If you say, 'Sat in the bath and had a glass of wine' I will give you three million dollars. Right now."
"Oh, you have three million dollars sitting around?"
"No, I just know you're full of crap and that you probably listened to some boring book on parenting while you folded laundry."
HOW DID SHE KNOW?
"It was really good! And the laundry needs to get folded some time!"
"Honey, this is exactly what I'm talking about! You are so boring! And it's not the good kind of boring! You're going to wither away and die from boringness! The love of your life is there, hand out, ready to sweep you up and love you forever, and YOU SIT IN YOUR DAMN APARTMENT FOLDING LAUNDRY!"
"Ok, mom, I gotta go." I was fuming. How dare she? After all the sacrifice I'd made! How dare she tell me that I was wasting my life. How dare she tell me that I was BORING! I just wanted my son to have a stable, secure life. To feel loved and cared for. How dare she!
"Oh no you don't, I'm not done with you yet!" she fumed back.
I could hang up on her, turn off my ringer and go to bed. But that would just end with me waking up to 30 new ranting voice mails. I just needed to rip off the band aide and hash this out. Quickly.
"Fine. Listen. I'm not strong enough to loose him again. I'll do more stuff for myself. I'll…join a stupid yoga class or something. I'm sorry I'm not you. I'M NOT YOU. I can't just throw caution to the wind and give myself up wholeheartedly. I can't! I can't!"
"Honey, being in love, being in a relationship isn't giving yourself up. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Sure it's a risk. Sure, it's hard to make yourself vulnerable. But the best things come from being vulnerable. The best things. Love. Children. Families. Love. Everything that makes life worth living. You can't build a wall around your heart and expect to never be hurt again. You will be hurt. There will be misunderstandings. There will be mistakes. But there will be love. And love is all you need."
"Did you just quote the Beatles to me?"
"Shut up. I am right. You are wrong. I love you. But sweetie, you're wasting time being miserable. I just want you to be happy!"
"Mom, how can you say that? How can you think Edward would make me happy? I just don't understand how you, who was so absolutely positively sure that Edward was the scum of the earth just three short months ago, how can you now be lecturing me to drop everything and run off into the sunset with him?"
"Honey…" it was her turn to be awkward. "I know it must be strange to have me be so adamant about this. Especially considering how much I loathed that boy."
"I'm pretty sure you would have murdered him three years ago if you'd thought you could get away with it."
"Well, it was a good thing there had been a country separating us, that's for sure. But honey, I didn't know that full story then."
"And you do now?"
"Well, no one will ever know the real full story. That's something only you and Edward will know. But I'm your mom. And that gives me a special privilege to know your heart. And I know that your heart loves Edward. And I know that it always has. Before I cursed him for letting you go, for hurting you, couldn't believe that this boy who'd seemed so completely in love could turn his back on you and your baby. But he never, ever, ever would have let that happen if he'd known the full story too. Not knowing the full story is what's keeping everyone from living happily ever after."
"Mom, first of all, there is no happily ever after. There's just life. Second of all, how in the world would you know what Edward would or would not have done. I mean, you've only met him twice in your whole life."
"Well… we've sort of reconnected."
"Reconnected?" I spurted, shocked.
"Um… yeah. It started out with a Facebook Friend request I sent him after your trip to the zoo. I just wanted to make sure everything was on the up-and-up, you know? I sent him a few strongly worded messages, he sent me a few messages in response. When you got sick last week, he called every day. We had a few long heart-to-hearts. He called from the doctor's office as soon as he found out you were getting admitted."
"This is just weird," I said. "You've been secretly communicating with my ex-boyfriend?!"
"No, honey. I've been having some serious, deep conversations with the father of my grandson while my daughter was recovering in the hospital. I've been trying to help him understand what's happening, what might be going on in that lock-box of a brain you have. And I've been trying to understand him, what he wants, what he's going to do. First I just wanted to make sure he wasn't going to ruin your life again. But that's the last thing he wants to do. In fact, he's so damn respectful, I'm worried you're both going to die alone, secretly pining for each other through a lifetime of co-parenting and awkward play dates!" Her voice rose consistently through her tirade, getting louder and louder until I heard her ever-patient husband in the background murmuring quietly.
"Mom."
"Bella."
"Can we… put a pin in this?"
"What are you, 80?"
"No. I'm 110. I'm seriously so tired right now. And I'm also seriously weirded out that you've been having secret meeting with Edward. That's just…weird. We'll talk about all this. I promise, we'll talk about it. I just need to process this, and I just need to sleep."
"Honey, it's not me you need to talk to about this."
"I know," I whispered.
"I'm going to keep bugging you."
"Believe me, I know. You just admitted you've been having 'heart to hearts' with Edward. I know you're capable of devious, sneaky, stalker-ish, weird and creepy things. Like being Facebook Friends with my Ex."
"Out of love, Bella. I'm only weird and creepy out of love."
We said our goodbyes. She just wasn't going to let this go. I knew it. And though I felt a little violated that she'd had this secret communication with Edward behind my back, I knew that underlying it, she always, always had her heart in the right place. On my side. She was always, irrevocably on my side. And when I wasn't overwhelmed with exhaustion, I'd probably be grateful.