Chapter 3

Finally he looks up at me, the darkness in his eyes gone.
All I can see is regret as he slowly speaks before turning away and disappearing into the night.

"I'm sorry."

Holding the letter in my hand, sitting in the middle of the floor. I sit and ignore the sounds from outside, the scents tempting me to move and the risk of getting caught.

In total it took me 7 days and 7 nights to finally move. Having tried over and over again to remember how I could have reacted different, not scared away a man who clearly had... what actually should I call it. Sired me, sounded too animalistic. Fathered me, I had a father when I was human. Perhaps turned or created me was the best phrase. Settling on the last I thought of Carlisle again.

Like myself he was alone at the time, seeking companionship. Begging me for his trust over and over again, instead I had lashed out at him. In my hand was the now crumbled piece of paper.

Carefully I straighten it. Glancing at the elegant cursive writing. Like his appearance, his writing was formal and pleasant. Folding the paper neatly I put it aside and pick up my clothes. Changing into my clean dress, I let my hands slip in the large pocket and find a small pouch with some coins.

Carlisle has left me, thinking it was better for me. Setting aside his own longing and placing my needs above his. Leaving me with directions and funds to secure my safety.

Adding the folded paper to the pouch I and stuff everything back in my pocket. Keeping all I have received from Carlisle together. The bloody tunic I fold as small as possible, taking it with me just in case I would need to hunt again.

At the thought of hunting a warm burn travels through my body. I shudder that no matter how much I had hated killing the animal, that was something bound to happen in the near future. The thought of hunting again made my heart sink. For now I would simply not breath, remembering how much less the burning sensation had scorched my throat when I did.

Leaving the room I walk down the long corridor. I know it is night, having waited until the moon was at the sky. Not risking to go out in the daylight, because I am unsure what would happen. Carlisle had taken me out at night and not mentioned if it was safe to travel during the day for me.

When I open the door and carefully peek around the corner, the faint heartbeat of a human across the grounds makes me grip the door tighter. Focussing on not breathing I slip outside and move towards the gate. Following the wall, staying in it's shadow. Hoping that whoever was outside, would not come to investigate.

Just when I relax at having reached the last gate to go outside, the footsteps sound closer by. Turning I can see a man come closer, his heartbeat increasing, indicating he is out of breath. With every step he takes closer it is more difficult to ignore the aching in my body to charge forward and grab the man. Just as I am going to run and disappear through the gate. His voice calls out for me.

"Stop and show yourself, please."

I oblige, thinking it is impolite to refuse any person who's grounds you invade and still has the decency to say please. The man comes closer, as he does, I can smell him. With a mix of disappointment and relieve the scent he carries isn't sweet or mouth-watering. Instead it smells a little bit bitter, making me wrinkle my nose involuntary.

"Are you the one." His question is too vague to answer, and in response I just stand watching him.

My silence must indicate my confusion because he steps closer and holds out a cloak and bag for me.

"Your lack of response confirms. Please take these, Carlisle told me you are to travel up north."

Him mentioning Carlisle's name makes me cringe. The man who had brought me in this life and who I had only spent mere hours around, still had arranged for others to look over me.

Stepping closer I grab the cloak, tying it around my shoulders. The man waits until I hang the soft material straight before handing me the bag. Quickly I stuff the tunic in the bag, noticing on the bottom is some bread and dried fruit.

"The food and cloak are for disguise." Leaning closer he whispered at me. "Travel alone and in the dark as much as possible, stay of the main roads and never let anyone ever guess your nature."

Awed I stare at him, understanding he knows what I am and does not fear me. This only shows as a tribute to Carlisle. Before I can ask him anymore he turns and walks away.

Whoever he was, he had delivered the message he was asked to deliver. Feeling he would not offer me any more information, I do not follow him or bother him by calling after him. Instead I step back, my back touching the gate and push it open. Stepping outside of the convent I take one last breath of air before turning and disappearing into the night.

The note had told me to travel to the northern region. I have never been there before but I know in the past, my father had sometimes offered a safe place to rest for men travelling from the north to the king's court. It was several days travel.

Finding the main road I decide it should be safe to walk along it during the middle of the night. Keeping my ears open to the approach of any other travellers. It would give me plenty of time to move away from the road and hide in the thick forest.

Walking at a fast pace, I wished I had the courage to run. Run like I did the night I caught the deer. Remembering that chase. A part of me revolts, telling me it is what put me on this lonely walk. Another part, growls and grins as it remembers the result of the chase. When that part roars at me, I shake my head and focus on the road in front of me.

Strengthening my belief that the fast but close to human pace I have now, while being in control is the best way to travel. I focus on my surroundings.

Around me for the next hours I can only hear night-life, animals leading their life in the safety of the night. Little do they know, the scariest thing they can come across is walking amongst them right now.

It isn't until I get closer to a small village, the sound of the first other travellers approaching me, make me aware that soon, it is going to be day. Looking up at the sky, I can see the moon has almost gone and the sun is starting to rise.

To my left is the fast forest and without hesitation I rush for cover under the trees, until I'm a few hundred meters away from the road. Moving alongside the track seems a safe option and with a smile I continue to walk.

When the sounds of the town start to drown my head, I finally stop. Move around says my head. At the same time the monster in me begs to go through town. Begging to sooth the aching feeling I have ignored for the past hours. It conjures up images of how easy it would be to rip the villagers apart, like I ripped apart the deer. Our reward being warm and wonderful.

Closing my eyes I swallow the bitter taste in my mouth, disgusted at myself for seeing humans as food. I know what the consequence will be if I take one more step. So instead of moving, I hold my breath and stand still. Struggling until finally my control seems to return and I decide on moving around the town. Turning my back to the sound and smells that call for me, I walk towards the hills in the distant.

The weather is harsh and no one will travel there now, at least not by choice.

Continuing at the swift walking pace I had settled on earlier, it takes me another few hours to reach the hills and there is where I finally sit down and look down on the countryside below me. Even with the rain, my eyes can easily see far away. The world below me seems so much more full of life now my eyesight is so much sharper.
Life that is untouched, no man or woman are slain at my hands. Or should I say teeth. A proud feeling washes through me at the small victory. And the idea forms in my head, perhaps if I stay away from humanity I can at least stop myself from killing people. I am after all hardly human, so my place is no longer with them.

Frowning I think about staying away from other people. Could I do that or was there a solution for my hunger? The kind man who gave me the cloak and bag, he smelled bitter, unappealing to me. That said, it was a risk to allow him to approach me. And for him to take the risk, he must have really trusted Carlisle. Was I wrong to leave so easy, shouldn't I go and find him. Apologise to him? Guilt and confusion washes away my proud feelings at not having killed the population of an entire town.

Angry I slam my fist down. The deafening sound as my hand hits the rocky ground makes me jump up in fear and stare at the ground. A clear dent where my hand was put down makes me drop to my feet. Tracing the clear imprint of my knuckles in the solid ground I feel in awe. Grabbing my bag I hang it over my shoulder and take one last look before I run into the hills.

It feels like adrenaline but different, as I feel my legs move faster and faster. Soon I realise I'm running like I did the night I killed the deer. Stopping I take a deep breathe to calm myself.

The gesture feels like a natural response, something I remember from being human but the moment the sweet scent fills my lungs. I know, it's the wrong thing to do. Without being able to stop I descend back down, running to the field at the foot of the hill. There a herd of sheep is kept. Guarding them is a young girl with a shabby looking brown and white dog.

Standing at the edge of the field I look at her. She looks so young and so delicate. My nostrils flare as I catch her scent again, it's incredibly sweet. Calling for me to take, claim as mine. Indulge and destroy is all that seems to occupy my mind.

Rushing closer at a slightly too fast pace, I watch the dog crawl back. Catching my scent the animal recognises I'm the bigger predator.

I'm now walking through the sheep, ignoring their stuffy scent as they scatter in fear me. Even the dog is of the radar. All I can focus on is her. Reaching her she looks up to greet me. The moment she does I stop. Her eyes, they are a bright green. Immediately the painful memory of bright green eyes flash through my mind. Clasping my head I try to push them aside, my throat flaming at the promise of being soothed.

"Miss, are you alright?" Her words sound funny, when she speaks.

Looking at her again, I notice one of her front teeth is missing. The gap creates a lisp. Another flash hits me, a memory of a boy and a girl. She proudly shows him the gap between her teeth and he laughs, sticking his pinky in the large hole. As I sway at the pain my head is in. The girl speaks again.

"If you are hurt I can get my father."

The little girl wants to help me. Is she mad or just slow? Standing in front of me, waiting for me to reply. She is just completely oblivious in her humble attempt to help a stranger and it only makes the monster inside of my head fight harder. She does not notice, I am in no need of help, but she is.

Falling to my knees I clutch my head harder and close my eyes. The memories of my own childhood being battled by the thirsty monster, making me cry silent dry tears at the pain they cause. This is her saviour I realise.

Opening my eyes, I can see her stare at me. Her big green eyes frozen with fear as she finally notices my eyes.

"Run and don't come back." My words come out rough and for effect I somehow manage to add a loud growl. Her face turns white and she trips, ending up falling backwards away from me.

Without saying another word she scrambles to her feet and runs. The scared dog following her, catching up in a few strides. As she runs a part of me lashes out at myself, telling me to follow her and claim her. But I can't because when I remember her face, her green eyes stare at me and the pain I feel is intolerable.

I stay in place until night falls afraid to move in fear of chasing her and taking her life along with her family. When I finally get to my feet, I find the sheep are still there. Stupid animals, why didn't they move away from me? Angry I look at the nearest. Without thinking I crouch and tackle the animal. Going straight for the jugular. It is not the sweet scent my body was promised but still I close my eyes content as the warm liquid runs into my mouth.

Finishing a second, third and fourth sheep before stopping. I hide the carcasses, knowing next morning the girl will come back with her father. When they do and count the herd, she will probably get scolded for leaving and losing a few sheep.

I grab the pouch from my pocket and place two coins on the large boulder she had been sitting on when I first spotted her. Paying to replace what damage I have done to the herd.

As I do, my fingers brush past the paper I so very neatly folded. The crushing feeling of being lonely makes me very quickly push the pouch deep back into my pocket. Someone is waiting for me, the thought puts a small smile on my face.

Walking at the same controlled pace, I go back toward the hills. Seeking the highest and most difficult route. Hoping that there will be no one there. All night I walk, never getting tired or second guessing what direction is the right direction. My feet just seem to keep moving and without thought I allow them.

In the morning I find myself still in the hills. In front of me is a large valley, looking down I can see small villages, animals in the fields and even some people working their crop.

As the sun slowly starts to rise I hide in a shallow cave. Hiding away from any humans that could come my way. Fearing to repeat the close call I had yesterday. All day long I sit still, as a statue. Holding my breath at each small sound I hear.

When the last light slowly disappears from the entrance, I know it is night. Cautious I move forward and step outside. As I do, I freeze.

There sitting on a large boulder, with her back to me overlooking the valley in front of us, is a woman. Her shape clearly outlined in the pale moonlight. Panicked I try and focus, afraid I will hurt her.

Run.

My mind shouts at me, but my body is frozen in place because it picks up nothing.

There is no heartbeat and no mouth watering scent. Before I can force myself to speak out loud, she disappears from my sight. Showing up in front of me in the blink of an eye.

Her long hair framing her face as she tilts her head sideways to look at me. At that moment an irrational fear consumes me and when she touches me, my body reacts and jumps back. Lowered to the ground in a crouch I growl at her, using my arms as a shield between us.

The woman doesn't step back or respond in anger or fear.

She merely touches my hand, placing one finger on my ring.

Smiling she looks down at me.

"Isabella. I mean you no harm."

Her honey coated voice carefully pronounces my name as she sits down on her knees in front of me. Opening her arms to me as she smiles, a warm and loving smile.

"Come my child, I shall hold you."

Dropping my arms I look at her, noticing her eyes. Like Carlisle they are light, like a bright star guiding me through the night. Flinging myself forward into her body I take what she offers me.

I let her hold me.

The women wraps her arms around me and pulls my head to her body. Rocking me in my arms for a little while as she hums a soft song. I let her calm me. The song is familiar, perhaps my maid used to sing it to me when I was human.

Frowning I try and dig in the few dim memories I do have, keeping away from the one that hurts me. It is all a blur and I can't find what I'm looking for. So instead I try not think at all and focus on the calming sound of her voice. When I calm down, she wipes away the hair from my face.

"Carlisle told me you were in need of guidance."

Pulling away from her, I sit facing her.

"You know Carlisle. You are the one I am supposed to find?"

I feel stupid for not thinking of this when she first called out my name to me. Looking at her, she seems to be like Carlisle and me. The lack of heartbeat and her eyes make it impossible for me to think otherwise.

Why if he knew this women did he turn me and tell me there were few. Remembering how distraught he was when admitting he had been alone for a long time. Afraid to scare her away, the thought is filed away for a later time.

Instead I look at her carefully, she is rather pretty. Older than me, perhaps in human years closer to being thirty. Her clothes are of outstanding quality and around her wrist and neck is an intriguing collection of jewellery. Clearly whoever she is, she has means to support herself.

"My name is Esmeralda, but you may call me Esme. And yes, I do know Carlisle. He send word of you, telling me I should expect you to seek for me."

For a moment I notice how her eyes seem to fall, showing a glimpse of sadness at mentioning Carlisle's name.

"I came to look for you because it took such a long time for you to get here. When I came along the scent of another vampire, I took a chance and tracked it to this cave. I decided to wait for you to approach me."

Frowning I think about her words. "I did not take long to reach you, two nights and one day. On foot."

She looks at me, the left corner of her mouth twitches as her eyes now dance with joy. "Exactly my point, in that time I could have made it to London and back. At least 3 times."

Stunned I sit and stare at her. Remembering the chase, the way I had ran to catch that deer. It had felt fast but surely not that fast?

"I don't understand."

Looking down at my hands, I see the green ring and brace myself for the pain to come. This time however it does not bring me pain, instead it comforts me as I sit in silence.

"Isabella, you have many things to learn."

Rising to her feet, I look up to see Esme waiting for me. Her hand is extended. "Come home with me."

I place my hand in hers and she pulls me to my feet. As soon as she does, she starts moving. Running with her hand clasped in mine. Scared to let go, I follow her.

And as I do, the same weird feeling of adrenaline rushing through my body starts again. Soon I am running next to her, feeling the wind sweep past my body. I can see the landscape rush by me in an alarming speed but my eyes can still catch every little detail.

After what only feels like minutes Esme stops and I stop also. I turn to face her and she stands in front of me. Raising her eyebrow at me she smiles wickedly at me.

"That was running."

Moving forward, she waves for me to follow her and I do. Approaching what appears to be an old farmhouse. From the outside it looks unlived in, there are no animals or crop growing in the garden. When she reaches the door, she doesn't knock, instead she opens the door and enters the house.

I follow her.

From the inside it clearly looks like there are people living here. Large carpets are scattered on the floor and luxurious looking furniture is placed together in small groups, creating separate sitting areas. Along one side there is a large row with bookcases, in them are books and a collection of scrolls.

Lots of them, each looking old and expensive.

"For as long as you want, you can consider this your home."

Smiling to me she stands in the middle of the room. Gesturing towards each end of the room, she points out two doors.

"There are two bedrooms, neither have use but if you wish you can choose one to retreat when you need privacy."

Nodding I take another look around me. Noticing details that I had overlooked earlier, small pieces of furniture, art and small trinkets. The door at the far end of the room is slightly ajar and walking over it, I push it open. It looks empty, besides a small writing desk and a bed. A big contrast with the warm living area that is created behind me.

"I think, I'll be fine without a bedroom." A small nervous laugh escapes my mouth and to my relieve Esme joins in. Making me feel relaxed at turning down her offer.

"Come sit with me." Patting on what looks like a pile of pillows. I come over and look at the space besides her before sitting down on my knees, pulling my feet under me and face her.

"Let's get to know each other." Thinking about what I should tell her, I remain silent. Luckily she continues. "First of all, has Carlisle told you anything about me?"

Again I remain silent, trying to think of a nice way to say. That the man who has send me here, did not even mention her name to me. Fumbling with the sleeve of my gown I look away from her kind face.

"That much." I can hear her smile as she says the words. "What did he tell you during the time you stayed with him?"

"There was little time to tell me much." Whispering I tighten my grip on the sleeve of my poor gown.

"How much time, are we talking about exactly?" Sounded slightly alarmed, I can feel Esme move closer to me. Carefully placing a hand over mine.

"A day and a night." Is my timid response and I can feel her touch gain pressure on my hand.

"Where were you before that?"

"At home with my parents, after that it is blurry. Up until the moment I open my eyes and find Carlisle with me in a place I've never been before."

"You are a newborn." As her grip tightens on me, I notice how her voice sounds appalled.

"I'm sorry" Apologising without knowing why I turn away from her, my eyes locked on the door. Before I can make a run for it, I feel Esme hold me at the shoulders. The way she grips me reminds me of Carlisle the night he took me to the woods.

"A newborn." Repeating the name again, I frown and try and pull away.

"Don't run away, it is not your fault."

Her hands are still tight around my shoulders but her voice makes me relax. Forcing me to stay in place.

"I'm just amazed to find you are so young in this life and yet show such excellent control."

Turning to face her I wish I could cry the tears I feel inside.

"How can you say that? I have thought about killing an entire village, slaughtered animals like a savage beast and almost took a young girls life."

For a moment she sits and stares at me. Her face in complete shock at my words. Obviously my words have made her understand what monster I am. Throwing myself at her, I wrap my arms around her waist. "Please don't leave me."

For another moment she says nothing and sits still like a statue. Then I feel her hands gently brush through my hair.

"Shhhhh, I'm not leaving you ."

Her words sound so sincere I look up to see her smiling down on me.

"There is nothing savage about you, in fact I think you are a remarkable young girl."

"I am?" Sitting up I watch her calm face. "But the things I want to do and the way I behaved in front of Carlisle.."

"He explained to me what happened. I can assure you, the things you are feeling, are all completely natural."

Esme interrupted me. Lost for words I looked at her calm face.

"Perhaps you would like to hear my story when I first entered this world?" Pushing my hair behind my ears as she asks me.

It sounds good, listening to her story. Leaning back I close my eyes and focus on her words.

"The first thing I can tell you about being a vampire is you never change, you will never grow old. My face may appear young, but I was born a long time ago. A daughter to a very wealthy man. My mother died in childbirth and I was raised as an only child. At the age of 18 my father came to me, explaining he had found a suitable husband for me.

That same evening I was send by carriage with all my belongings to my husband, an armed guard came to welcome me. My future husband wanted to ensure I would arrive safe at his castle. Upon arriving I found he was many years older.

My fathers age.

We got married within days, after that he left for war."

A stabbing pain makes me clutch the sides of my body at hearing her husband had left her to go to war. It reminds me too much of my own green eyed lover. Sensing my pain, Esme puts her hand on my forehead and gently pushes my head down in her lap.

"My husband didn't return until many years later. This time he stayed around longer. At first I was pleased to have my husband with me, but it didn't take long for me to find out, my husband wasn't a very nice man.

One night after he had been drinking, he took away from me the only joy in life."

Her sweet voice cracks at the last words. Esme lets go of me and moves to her feet so fast, it takes me by surprise and my head hits the floor. I had been wrong to make the assumption her story is like mine.

Looking up, I find her standing at the door. Her face in pain as she looks down on me. Her story and actions makes me understand, she has been hurt, badly hurt by her husband. So much that it still hurt her now, even after.. how many years exactly could it be? Pausing I try to guess her age. Esme has just told me that a vampire did not age, so there was no way in telling her age by looking at her appearance.

"I need some time alone."

It's all she manages to say as she rushes away from the house. Leaving the door open behind her, I watch her disappear. Repeating to myself that she has promised to not leave me and has simply asked for time alone... I sit in her house.

Restless I wait, afraid to move but at the same time allowing my eyes to look at and remember every item in the room. Each look makes me believe this woman is warm and loving, giving me hope she will come back for me. Just when I start to think she won't come back, she shows up next to me. Her bright eyes even lighter than before.

Sitting down at my side with a relieved look on her facer. I know, I have pleased her by waiting here.

"Are you better now?"

"Much better. Would you like to hear the rest of the story?"

Without answering I lean back and cuddle into her embrace again, ready to hear the rest of the story. She places her hands around my shoulders again, holding on it seems for her own support this time.

" That night, after my husband took away all joy in my life. I leave the house and go to the cliffs near our castle. Standing on the edge of the cliff that night, I felt like I had failed everyone.

I'm not sure what happened next but as I stepped forward a pair of arms hold me and turn me around. The face of an angel looks at me. His body breaks my fall in the cold water and stop me from hurting myself on the sharp rocks. Without understanding how, I know he has saved me from dying.

The next morning I wake up at my husbands side, he tells me he is leaving for London again. To find a bride who can give him child. Enraged at his words, I grab the nearest object.

Beating him over the head, over and over again. Until he no longer moves.

That is how the maids found me, sitting over him. Straddling his dead body with blood smeared all over my clothes and face. The statue I used to beat him, still clutched in my hands above my head. Ready to strike again.

They took me away from my own home and locked me away, claiming I had gone mad.

Perhaps I had gone mad. Sometime the thin line between reality and insanity is invisible and you slip over it, unnoticed.

So you see, Isabella unlike me you have nothing to be ashamed about. Your hands are free of human blood. It is something I wish for myself, each day. Because unlike you, I am a murderer. "

Gripping my shoulders tight, Esme stops talking. Her words sound so sad and guilty. There is nothing I can think of to say. Instead I place my hand over hers and hold it. This time waiting for the next part of her story.

" I am a murderer and for my crime...They stoned me and left me to die outside the village. If Carlisle hadn't found me, I wouldn't be here today. I owe him my life. And in return for his gift of life, I vowed to never take another human life ever again."

For a moment I stay still, waiting for Esme to continue talking. She doesn't continue. Instead she lets go of me and gets to her feet. With a blank expression on her face she walks to one of the many chests of drawers that line the walls.

I get up in a swift move and join her. With unsteady hands she opens the bottom drawer and reaches all the way to the back. Grabbing a box and clutching it to her chest she looks at me. Her face a tight frown and guilt in her eyes.

"What is wrong Esme?"

" Since we will be living with each other for a long while and you know some of my past, I need to share the whole truth with you." Offering the box to me, she leans closer. Her lips barely move as the words leave her mouth, but with my new enhanced hearing I can easily understand the two words she confesses at me.

"I lied."