Chapter 5

The comfortable feeling of a soft warm kiss placed on my forehead make me relax and forget what is going on.
I let it draw me in, waiting for the words I know that will come from these perfect lips.

In my memory Edward smiles at me.
"You need to trust me."

A hushed conversation makes me open my eyes for the second time, pulling me out of my drifting state of dreaming. I haven't slept but somehow I do feel rested. Listening closely for any sounds in the house I can clearly hear Esme talking. Her usual pleasant voice with a venomous edge to it.

"How could you do this. She is only a young girl and in so much pain emotionally. Pain she took with her from her human life. You know what that means."

Whoever she is speaking with, surely has called her rage upon themselves.

"Don't you understand that is why I had no choice, such youth. Lost to a broken heart for no reason. When the proof of her lovers existence is right here." With shock I recognize Carlisle's smooth voice.

"She is a newborn with no knowledge of her strength or what she is capable of. You left her alone, hiding from what you have done. It is a miracle the girl even made it here."

Her fierce and protective tone make me smile. Esme is clearly angry at Carlisle, perhaps I should be too.

"Her control is impressive..."

At his broken voice, being mad at him is not an option.

"Do you call her running away from me, fighting us both and hurting herself. Do you call that control."

Frowning I remember running away. Did I hurt myself. Frowning I try and move. Lifting my right hand is easy but the movement causes a sharp stabbing pain in my other shoulder.

"No.. but she.." Feet move and he stops talking.

"You Carlisle Cullen need to take responsibility for your actions."

A loud blow sounds from the living room, followed by a soft hiss and feet moving again.

"Don't try and touch me now or come close to me. I'm very upset." Silence makes me frown, what is going on. Another hiss sounds followed by Esme's voice. " Move out of my way, I need to see how my daughter feels."

Gasping I try and sit up as my heart fills with joy. She called me daughter. The movement hurts too much and carefully I rest back on the bed. Concentrating on the conversation in the living room.

"Your daughter?"

A soft giggle escapes my mouth. Imagining Carlisle's face as he repeats Esme's words, clearly surprised at her claiming me.

"Yes, she needs to be loved by someone who will not judge her and I have always wanted a daughter."

"I understand now."

"No you don't Carlisle. She needs you just as much as she needs me. You have made a mess."

"Yes so you have told me." There is no sound for a moment and then I hear whisper. "A daughter, I've never imagined ever raising a child."

It is silent for another few seconds, followed by footsteps to my door. Then Esme responds in a very calm voice. I can hear her on the other side of the door. "There is not much to raise, the girl is young and shall remain young forever. What she does need is our support and protection."

The door opens and Esme walks in.

Her face just as calm and loving as I remember it. Nothing indicates that she just had a fight with Carlisle.

"How are you feeling Isabella?

Sitting on the bed next to me, she carefully touches my shoulder. I bite my lip at the stabbing pain. "It hurts."

Esme removes her hand and looks over her shoulder at Carlisle who stands in the doorway, watching us.

"Let me see. I have experience with wounds like this."

Walking closer, Esme moves aside but he moves to the other side of the bed and sits across from her. For a moment they look at each other. A silent exchange of words followed by a loving look in both their eyes. I feel like I'm intruding and look away, only to feel another sharp stabbing pain at my shoulder when Carlisle puts his hands on me.

"I thought vampires are immortal." Softly growling while staying still as he gently pushes and probes my shoulder.

Frowning he finishes his exam. Placing my dress back over my shoulder. He looks at Esme for a moment. Unspoken words seem to flow between them.

"We are. Getting parts ripped from your body however, is something that hurts." Chuckling softly he leans closer. "Even when you are a vampire."

I push away the dress with my right-hand. Examining my shoulder, a pink line marks the complete joint, running around my shoulder. As I touch the mark, I remember now how I tried to pull away from Esme who was holding my arms at my back. The ripping sound and stabbing pain as my arm comes away from my shoulder.

"Your shoulder should be better by the end of today but you will need to feed. Do you think you could come with us, and stay with us while hunting?" A small smile curls his lips as he sees my face.

I know he can see the hunger in my eyes, I can feel it also. A longing to feed... for the warm blood to satisfy my needs. "Yes." Whispering with a rough low voice, I'm ashamed but excited at the same time.

Both Esme and Carlisle get up and leave my room. Quickly I find my bag and grab the tunic. It is already covered with blood and dirt from the previous hunts with Esme. Perfect to wear today. Outside I can hear the rain, pounding down on the roof. My dress, at least the part that is still in tact, would suffer and only get in the way. Instead I just wear the long tunic, it comes down to halfway my knees. If I would still be human, heat would flush my cheeks at knowing others would see me so scarcely dressed. But not in this lifestyle. Now the need to run and chase without any limitations, it's too strong.

Carlisle and Esme are already waiting for me. As soon as I step outside to join them, the rain I could hear from inside the house comes down on me. Like a flood washing down on me.

The cool wet sensation helps to calm me further and with a smile I lean my head back and feel the big raindrops come down on my face. Each singular raindrop easily pinpointed on my face, as it lands and breaks into little pieces before sliding down my face. As they do, they are causing a steady rhythm. The beat seems to run like a current through my entire body. It's the closest thing I have felt in a long time to the beating of my heart. It brightens my mood and with a smile I follow Esme and Carlisle deep into the forest. Finding an unexpected peace in the hunt they lead.

Starting with that first hunt together with Carlisle and Esme, from there on things got better for still felt wrong to hunt an animal...making me feel like an animal myself. But each time we would go out, I was amazed at how easy my body seemed to take control of my mind. There was nothing like the thrill of running at high speed, or at least for humans it would be high speed. Rushing forwards through the forest, listening to the heartbeat of the animal Carlisle had selected to kill.

And each time as my eyes would set sight of the deer, I would flawlessly crouch and pounce. It reminded me of the cats that had been kept in the stables, somehow going from soft and cuddly pets to a sharp hunter at the smallest hint of a mouse invading their territory. Like them I would feel my body come to life, catch and claim the prey I was hunting. Each time that would happen I would find release at the moment my teeth sank deep down in the warm flesh of the deer and caused the blood to run freely in my mouth. Each time I would feel a little bit of my humanity slip way and love my new self a little bit more.

I was slowly coming to terms with who I was.

It did off course help there were some added gifts to being a vampire. Besides being extremely fast, strong and never having to sleep. I was slowly getting used to my new senses, at first the sounds and smells had conflicted me. Thinking back now, it seemed almost impossible for myself to have traveled to Esme alone. For the first year I had constantly battled the conflict within myself, now I was slowly regaining control of myself.

With that, something else started to grow. Carlisle had explained to me some vampires were gifted. He thought I had a gift myself. At first my gift was only triggered by my strongest human memory, taking control of me when needed. Now it was easier to control without the mind numbing pain that came with my memories, hammering away in my head.

Carlisle couldn't help me understand what it was exactly I could do. But for some reason I could somehow influence my vampire characteristics. It was only subtle changing and didn't seem so important. However I hoped with training, my gift could strengthen.

Right now the best I could do was changing the color of my eyes. When focussing on my eyes, they would slowly dull to a human brown. A slightly deeper and darker chocolate brown then my eyes had been before. But it made me look very human. Something I enjoyed doing and something Esme would laugh about when she caught me in front of the mirror, practicing.

When I did that, the side effect was that my enhanced senses seemed to be dulled. Both Esme and Carlisle had expressed concern, claiming it could leave me vulnerable. At the same time they understood it could give me freedom. Confining my senses, made it easier to be in control and not get tempted by the sweet smell of their blood. It wasn't much but slightly enough for me to be around humans freely.

My gift and progress in control caused Carlisle and Esme to be proud of me. In return that was what made me feel happy. Spending time with them made me forget often what I had left behind and time seemed to pas quickly. Soon after Carlisle and myself had moved in with Esme, he had gone into town. Introducing himself and making clear, he was living with his wife and daughter in the old farmhouse.

We had no trouble pretending to be a family. When humans first caught sight of us, they would all notice the similarities. The slightly too pale colour of our skin and light eyes made us in fact look similar. But that was where it ended.

Esme was taller than me, with kind eyes and always a warm loving smile on her lips. Her eyes were framed by strong eyebrows, somehow making it seem like they accentuated the kindness in her eyes. And her hair was just below the shoulder, short for traditional hairstyle but the deep honey colour seemed to make up for that.

I myself had kept the willowy frame, hardly showing any feminine curves. But at least I had long curls, dark and wild flowing down my back. Somehow they never got tangled and just a simple shake of my head would make them frame my face perfectly. Another thing to be thankful for. My eyes were usually the same shade as Esme and Carlisle as we hunted together but they were slightly too big for my face and in the rare occasion I would join Carlisle into town, people would stare at me with a curious look.

So I spend most of my time at the house. Listening to Esme tell stories about anything I would ask her. With great detail she could recall everything that had happened and all the things she had seen in her life.

The box in the back of the drawer was never ever mentioned again. Just like I didn't dare mention what occupied my mind a lot. The ring on my finger still had the brightest green stone I had ever seen. Each day I looked at it, my heart would ache.. knowing that it promised me that somewhere Edward was still out there, alive and waiting for me to find him.

It only made me more focused and practice harder, knowing that no matter how much peace I could find at my current quiet lifestyle with Carlisle and Esme watching over me. I could never, ever condemn Edward to this life.

Leaving me with only one option, I needed to fully master whatever the limit was of my gift. Masking my true self, the vampire from the rest of the world and the man I love.

Word had come to Carlisle of my mothers death. It had surprised me. Somehow I expected to feel a loss at the knowledge. But when Carlisle had sat me down and told me, I didn't feel anything.

Things were different with my father. The century had turned and I knew he must be getting old. In the past 25 years I had been away from my father, he had gained many loyal friends. He was loved and his wise words were sought after in the entire country. Now his last days were called and from far, travellers came passing through our town on their way south. Carlisle had overheard them talking in town and when he informed me, my heart had broken a little bit.

As soon as I knew, I needed to see him. Seeking closure from my human life. Carlisle and Esme understood and silently we packed our belongings. We would travel by night, without being noticed and had agreed that we would try to keep a low profile when staying in the area where I grew up.

Traveling together, the three of us took the same route I had when first coming here. It surprised me that somehow even in my clouded mind, I had still managed by instinct to travel the most direct route. Correction, almost the most direct route. Like I had done, we avoided the small village I had struggled to bypass.

It felt strange coming through the same field I had almost killed the little girl in. This time there were no sheep, just a few cows. Scrunching my nose I looked at the large slow animals. Their blood was as tasteless and boring as they were exciting.

After only one night we came close to my home town. Each step made me feel more excited and more scared. Carlisle ensured me, people would not recognize me. 25 years was too much for them to consider who I was, at best they would notice a similarity but most likely they wouldn't know where from.

When we came close to the convent I had woken up in, Carlisle went ahead alone. After an hour he returned, a smile on his face. "We are in luck. My friend is still here, he is very old and frail but still has a bright mind. He has welcomed us into their home, for as long as we want."

I remembered him, he had given me advise. Risking his life to come out at night and wish me safe travels. When we entered, using the same gate at the back. He was standing across the yard, watching us. His old body was hunched over and it made my own immortality more real. When he caught sight of me a smile formed on his face, making the wrinkles in his face fold even further. I smiled back at him, hoping he understood I too remembered and was very thankful.

During the next day we rested and I spend some time reading. The convent had an even larger collection of scrolls and books. Most monks spending the majority of their time, copying them by hand. Carlisle sat down and joined them, a peaceful look on his face as his hands swiftly copied each letter.

His handwriting was steady, elegant, flawless and above all he could work very fast. Yes, seeing him at work I could understand why they had loved him so much. He seemed to belong her just as much as he belonged with Esme. When the sun started to set, Esme and I went out for a quick hunt. Like usual I would let her lead, it was the most comfortable way for me. Not having to choose a prey and making a conscious choice to kill an animal. After we were done, she slowly walked back with me at her side.

It was a dark night, just a few stars out to light our path. Not that we needed light, our eyes had perfect vision at night. But at times like these we had no fear at being seen, two women alone at night in the woods. At first I didn't notice but when my feet stopped and I looked around, i recognized the place.

Somehow we had wandered to the small clearing where Carlisle had found me 25 years ago. It seemed untouched. Sitting down I touched the ground and dug my fingers in the soil. Wanting to connect with the humanity I lost that night. But no matter how deep I dug all I could think of was how my own actions had brought me here. And what I had taken from myself. Esme let me sit for a while until I was ready to go back to the convent. Watching me like she had the first year of my life.

When we approached the convent, the old monk was waiting at the gate. He didn't move away as I approached him, followed by Esme. Instead he stepped towards me. As he did, I could smell the bitter scent come from him. It was just as unappealing to me as it had been years ago. Even more now I had better control of thirst.

"My dear I have a gift for you." Holding out his hand, in it I could see a bundle of fabric. Carefully I took it from his hand and looked at it. Esme watched me also, just as curious as I was.

"When Carlisle brought you here, I knew who you were. It took a great deal of my inner strength to not step forward when word reached us about your disappearance. I kept silent, knowing if you wanted to be found or wanted your parents to know what had happened to you. You would contact them. Your disappearance was a great burden on your mother, her illness took more and more from her life. We have offered services to your mother many times in the past years during her illness. On her final evening, she called for someone to sit by her side and help her pass. I was the only one available and went to see her.

She confessed feeling guilt, a guilt that weighed down on her for never giving her daughter what she should have given you. Claiming she could not love her daughter like her husband could. It broke her heart. I reassured her, that somehow and someway you would know. Trying to give her peace of mind in her final hours.

Your mother begged me to take this and keep it safe. Wishing that when the day would come and you were found. It should be yours. You see all the years you were away, she never gave up hope. Believing in her heart, you were still alive."

Without thinking I reached out my hand and gently placed it over his. The warmth of his skin was a welcome shock, something I wasn't used to anymore.

"Thank you for keeping your promise."

Looking down at the small bundle of fabric, I held it in my hand carefully. Giving him one more hesitant smile before seeing him turn and walk away silently. Like he had many years ago after he had given me his gift. Like that time, I doubted he would say more if I followed him.

Sitting down under a tree, Esme joined me. The two of us now looking at the gift in my hands. It reminded me a little bit of the way we had started. Sitting down each evening and taking a small object from her past. She had talked and I had listened. It had been our way of getting to knew each other, creating trust and understanding that had only grown in the past years.

"Do you want me to unwrap it?"

Shaking my head I started to unfold it myself.

Even with the fabric still covering my present, I knew what it was.
My fingers folding around it, recognizing the small shape and allowing myself to be flooded by my memories.

A/N Next 20 chapters are ready ;-)