And I thought life was hard enough the first time.
OC self-insert (because I'm that shameless)
This is not a filler chapter, I think. It just isn't in the anime. This is also a slightly more light-hearted chapter compared to the others. Not by much, but considering that the title is Hijinks, it's hardly going to be as heavy as other chapters.
I think.
Heeeey, I passed the 100k mark for this story and it hasn't even been a month yet! -solo celebration mode on again-
I think I'm giving ammo to Dani/Jean shippers. Maybe.
RomaniaFan130 – I'm glad to hear that Dani has managed to stay within realistic boundaries. I hope you'll continue to enjoy the coming chapters! And… why would you do something as horrible as shipping Dani and Jean? You know you're never going to get out of this ship because they can be so sweet to each other. (Sorry, not sorry.)
Guest – Not making Dani a Mary-Sue is my ultimate goal and hearing that I succeeded is the highest praise ever. Now Dani and I can go squeal together.
-0-
D-19
I could say training was tough, but that wasn't quite the truth. It was killer on the brain (there was a lot to memorise), but not as much on the body. Physical training was to be done in our own time, or so it seemed.
Well, that and chores.
"Dani," Connie called as we were exiting our latest lesson with memorising where we were supposed to be and what the various smoke signals meant. I almost felt like a normal student, except that what I was learning would inevitably be used and pretty soon. It had me feeling nostalgic and already pegging how everyone would act in a real classroom situation; the studious ones, the effortlessly (and annoyingly) brilliant and the clowns.
Connie's arm slung around my shoulders as he leaned into me. I raised an eyebrow at the hopeful look on his face. "No," I replied as he opened his mouth.
"You don't even know what I was going to – "
"You want to switch chores," I deduced – correctly, it seemed as Connie's mouth snapped shut. "The answer is no."
"Aw, Dani," he whined as I shoved him off. He scurried after me. "The horses like you a lot more than they like me!"
"No." That wasn't true. The horses only liked me because they seemed to want to eat my hair. It didn't help that I was just plain uncomfortable around horses. They were big and I was small. I would tolerate them, but I was hardly going to visit them without cause. If I could get out of stable duty, I would. "Go ask Jean," I suggested, jerking my head to the boy in front of me.
"He's already on stable duty."
"Tough luck, Connie."
He made a face at me before looking towards Armin. "Hey, Armin…"
My best friend shook his head, a smirk playing on his lips. "I'm not giving up kitchen duty either," he replied. "Sorry, Connie."
I whacked Connie with my notebook. "Don't be lazy," I chided. "Stable duty isn't that bad."
"If it's not so bad, then why do you keep avoiding it?" he shot back.
I scoffed, not meeting his eyes. "I'm not avoiding it."
Both boys stopped, giving me similarly disbelieving looks. I blinked.
… Maybe I was avoiding it. Horses and I do not work. They're skittish creatures and I'm a skittish person. Skittish with skittish does not a good pair make.
We never needed to use horses back when I lived in Karenese. Our land wasn't large enough to need it and the town was so cramped that everything was only a couple kilometres away. There was a lot of walking in this world and I was used to it. We had gotten horse training during our training days, but I had barely passed because I wasn't good with controlling my horse.
"Maybe you should switch with Connie," Armin suggested.
I wrinkled my nose in displeasure. "Traitor," I huffed, giving him the stink eye.
He held up his hands in a placating gesture. "You have a problem with horses," he pointed out.
"I don't have a problem?" Damn, why did that sound like a question.
"We've been here a week and a half and you've successfully avoided contact with horses except for when we came here."
"That's not a bad thing." He settled his stern gaze on me. I shifted my weight on my feet. "I don't deal well with horses!"
Connie grinned. Aw, man. He got me. He waggled his eyebrows as he sang, "Someone needs to get over their phobia."
"It's not a phobia," I argued.
"It's not a phobia," Armin agreed, but the tone of his voice told me he was going to try and coax me into doing something I didn't want to (and succeeding). "We are going to work with horses a lot."
Connie was just really lucky I let Armin talk me into things.
That was how I found myself heading towards the stables instead of the kitchen. Armin made a lot of sense. If I couldn't work well with my horse, I wouldn't be able to do much. Just… horses. It wasn't a phobia. I was just overly cautious around them; I was supposed to lead them, but I simply couldn't.
I heard footsteps and slowed, waiting for Jean to catch up with me. When he caught up, he laughed, causing me to scowl and shove him.
"I can't believe you let him talk you into switching," he wheezed.
"Shut up," I retorted maturely.
"So how did he do it?" Jean asked, ignoring my glare.
"He used Armin against me, that's what he did."
"He's smarter than I give him credit."
"Jean. Please, shut up."
A hand on my shoulder suddenly spun me around, causing me to almost fall as Jean's hand shot out to catch my elbow. I blinked at the man who had spun me, sounding a little agitated as he said, "Petra, I said – " He blinked when he got a good look at me. "You're not Petra."
"Um, no," was my eloquent reply. There was that familiar ring of familiarity, from Back Then. A face I had seen before but had never really committed to memory. Dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes… very familiar. I blinked, stepping away from the man because the staring was getting a little creepy, accidentally bumping against Jean. "Right, well, we have stable duty. Uh, sir."
I saluted briefly before whirling around and dragging Jean with me.
He sent me a confused look. "What was that about?" he muttered as we continued our way to the stables.
I shrugged, tugging on a lock of my hair before pushing it behind my ear. "I don't know," I mumbled. I guess Petra and I had hair of the same colour and with the length of my hair, I guess we could be mistaken for each other. I always thought I was taller than her, though.
"Who's Petra?"
"One of our senpais," I answered before I could stop myself.
His head turned to me so fast I could hear his neck crick. "How would you know that?"
I grabbed his arm, pulling him towards me before he could crash into a wall (even if that would have been a hilarious sight). "Who else would it be?"
He narrowed his eyes. "You're hiding – "
"Dani-chan?"
… This is not how I planned my day to go.
I whirled around, eyes widening as I noticed Petra standing next to the man from earlier. He was looking between Petra and me and me in slight confusion. I grinned, Petra mirroring my expression. I had arguably been the closest to her while we had made the long trip to Shiganshina and I practically regarded her as a sister.
"Petra!"
"You know her?" Jean asked.
I glanced at him, seeing he was looking between the two of us as well. "Something like that." I strode forward to engulf her in a hug, laughing a little. "It's good to see you again."
She laughed as well, patting my back as I drew back. Her hand rose to my hair, ruffling it. "It's good to see you too," she chuckled, head tilting to the side as she scrutinised me. "You grew taller." There was a teasing accusatory tone in her voice.
"You didn't," I shot back. Her eyes swept over my attire and the corners of her lips tilted downwards. Her lips pressed together as she stood back.
"You joined the Recon Corps." Her voice sounded… weird. Like she wasn't happy I was here. She was smiling, but her eyes glistened in the morning light. Not with tears, but something infinitely sadder.
I bobbed my head in a nod, glancing back at Jean. He was standing there like some awkward bean pole. Right, he was probably waiting on me so he wouldn't be stuck with stable duty alone. "I should go," I said, gesturing back to Jean. "The stables await."
"Of course. You have chores to do."
"Yeah… I'll, uh, see you around then, nee-chan."
I waved goodbye as Petra grabbed her comrade's arm and dragged him away, the both of them exchanging whispers that didn't sound overly happy, in my opinion. I turned back to see Jean with his arms crossed, eyebrow raised.
"What?" I asked as we continued our trek to the stables.
"Nee-chan?" he repeated agitatedly. "Is she the reason you joined the Recon Corps?"
"Petra?" I shook my head. "Of course not. It's not because of her."
"It's not because of her," he mused. "It's not because of Eren either. But it was because of someone?"
"Use your brain cells to figure out something more important," I retorted. "Don't do it for stupid things like this."
He smacked the back of my head, ignoring my yelp and glare as he said, "Stop being so mysterious. It doesn't suit you."
I rolled my eyes, grabbing a bucket of horse feed and shoving it at him. I'll work on my not-phobia of horses later. Maybe when Jean leaves. I didn't need his snide remarks about my inability to connect with horses. It really was laughable when you compared it to Jean's natural talent with equestrian animals.
He looked down at the bucket before looking back up at me with a disbelieving look.
"What?" I grabbed the shovel, hand resting on my hip when he didn't move. "Is there a problem?"
"You want to shovel horse crap. There's something wrong with you."
I waved my hand impatiently. "Let's just finish this up quickly so we can have lunch. Don't argue so much. It's unbecoming."
I didn't really want to shovel horse crap around, but it was preferable to having the horses back away from me when I moved in close. Maybe I emitted an aura of horse killer. When we were in training, I had only ever used one horse because it was the only one that didn't kick up a fuss when I tried to near it. It might have been because it was old.
Jean shook his head, but got to feeding the horses. I figured he was just tired of dealing with me for the moment, so I didn't make small talk as I cleaned the stables. It could be tiring to deal with me. I knew that.
The smell of horse crap clogged my nose, but it was like an old friend. I almost giggled aloud thinking of all the time Eren, Armin, Mikasa and I were stuck with stable duty and the stupid games Eren would come up with.
Ah, good times.
"I know that song," Jean said suddenly.
I paused. I hadn't realised I had been humming under my breath; a habit I always had when I worked, my body on autopilot. I brushed some hair away from my face, leaning against the shovel as I looked up at Jean. The empty bucket was by his feet as he stroked the horse's snout. There was an inappropriate comment about them looking like they could be related. I'll take the higher ground and not voice it (today).
I tapped my fingers against the handle of the shovel, tilting my head in contemplation. "My mom used to sing it to me," I revealed, looking away as Jean shifted. I cleared my throat, feeling Jean's gaze on me. I didn't talk about my parents much. Then again, none of us did, even those whose parents were still alive. They were mentioned in passing, but I guess this must have been the first time I ever mentioned my parents in Jean's presence.
I could sense his hesitation. Then, he said, "Mine too. But isn't the song in French?"
It was funny how certain things from Back Then stuck, like names. Some languages stayed mainly unchanged, retaining their names. A few examples of that were French, German and Italian. For others, the name was lost, but the language itself remained, albeit integrated into another language, making it completely different from the one I knew. So complicated.
"It is," I agreed, scraping the last of the horse crap into the wheelbarrow so it could be dumped out later.
Jean emitted a frustrated noise. "There you go again!"
I let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm not doing anything wrong! You're the one prying." I kicked some loose straw. "Why are you so curious all of a sudden?"
"I wanted to see if Eren was right."
The retort that was on the tip of my tongue died. "Right about what?"
He smirked, going back to the entrance of the stable to get more horse feed. "Let's see how you like a taste of your own medicine," he sang.
"Oh, grow up," I scoffed, kicking more straw as I dragged the shovel to the entrance. He startled, nearly dropping the bucket on his foot.
"Holy crap, I thought you were going to hit me with the shovel," he wheezed, clutching the bucket to his chest.
I gave him a judgemental look. "I have a little more finesse than that."
"You're done, right?"
"Uh huh."
"Then help me feed the horses."
I hesitated. Horses… didn't like me. Maybe they could feel the city girl that I used to be. I leaned against the wall, Jean looking back when he realised I wasn't following. He raised his bucket and shook it.
"Come on," he sighed. "Then we can get out of here." I didn't say anything, but something on my face must have showed because he sighed once more. "You've got to be shitting me. You're scared of horses?"
I shot him a dirty look. "How the hell can I be scared of horses? We had horse riding back in training, didn't we?"
"This is ridiculous," he muttered, drooping the bucket by his feet and grabbing my wrist, tugging me forward. I let out a squeak as he placed my hand on the horse's snout gently.
"Hey," I protested.
"Shut up and pet the horse."
I made a face, not that he could see. "Bossy."
The horse whinnied softly and nervously skittered back. I pulled my wrist out of his grasp, shooting him a look. "I told you horses don't like me," I huffed, gesturing at the horse.
"You want to know why?" he asked rhetorically. "You're too… tense. Stop acting like you've got a stick up your ass." He poked my shoulder. "You're too hesitant, too. Horses need to be led. They need a firm hand." He stood back, a firm expression on his face. "Try again. Let the horse come to you."
This is ridiculous. I was older. Kind of. "Is this – ?"
"Don't argue."
I blew out a breath, relaxing myself as much as I could and holding out my hand, making sure it didn't shake. If this horse rejected me, I would definitely take a hit to my self-esteem. It eyed my hand curiously, hoof tapping against the ground. I glanced at Jean, but the look in his eyes told me to be patient. Sure enough, something wet touched my hand and I nearly jerked my hand away, but Jean grabbed my elbow, holding my hand in place.
"See?" he murmured as the horse nuzzled my hand. "Not so bad."
I let my fingers trail across its snout as I shrugged. I looked over to him as he brought up the bucket to fill the horse's trough. "Thanks," I said, pulling my hand away and leaning against the post.
"It'd be stupid if you died because you couldn't control your horse," was his only reply. "Go feed the others."
I rolled my eyes, poking his back. "So bossy. It doesn't suit you."
"You're not related, are you?" he asked as I poured some feed into the trough of the horse next to his. "To the Petra lady."
I shook my head. "We're not related at all."
"So how do you know her?"
I smiled, but it wasn't out of amusement. I couldn't think of anything else to do. "I just do."
"… Dani-chan?"
"Tell anybody else and I'll kill you."
D-14
It had been two weeks and I had yet to approach Levi-nii. It wasn't like I had the opportunity. I didn't even know if he still remembered me, let alone recognised me. It would be a little embarrassing if I tried to talk to him and the first thing he said was who the hell are you.
I shot Levi glances occasionally as I listened to Armin recount the stupid attempt at ghost hunting a bunch of us had decided to do last night after Connie swore the castle was haunted, as most castles were rumoured to be. He had managed to convince Sasha that it was a good idea and the idiotic pair had somehow managed to rope myself, Armin, Eren, Jean, Reiner and Bertolt into the dumb scheme. To be honest, I think the rest of us were just there to ensure they didn't get into trouble. It would be like Connie and Sasha to stir up a mess.
It had pretty much just ended up in Connie squealing when a branch hit against a window too loud, causing him to run into Sasha and sending them to the ground. Of course, Sasha had chosen that moment to grab my arm, ending with the three of us tangled in a heap.
I swear those kinds of things only ever happened to me.
"The only scary part of the whole night was when Captain Levi poked his head out of his room and threatened to disembowel us and string our intestines like Christmas decorations in the mess hall if we interrupted his sleep again," I added once Armin was done. Mikasa didn't say anything, but the tilt of her lips and the glint in her eyes screamed I told you so. I gave her a long-suffering look. It's not like I wanted to get into trouble. I just happened to get caught up in it. It was a hazard of being friends with Eren, I guess.
"The scariest part was that he didn't even have to say anything for us to know that," Eren muttered, scrubbing the shirt in his hands a little harder as he sent Levi-nii an apprehensive glance.
Armin nodded, wringing out the shirt Mikasa passed him. "He had this look in his eyes that managed to convey everything." He shuddered a little, shaking his head.
I glanced at Levi again, looking away quickly when I met his gaze. Shoot. I shrugged as wrung out another shirt. "I don't think he's as scary as he tries to make himself out to be." They stared at me like I had grown another head. "What?"
Eren's eyes narrowed at me. I raised an eyebrow. "You sound like you know him," he accused.
"How would I know him?" I retorted, carefully avoiding Armin's gaze. He was the only one who knew I had been brought to the orphanage by Recon Corps soldiers. I could tell he was putting the pieces together to make the right conclusion.
Eren frowned, attention redirected back to scrubbing the laundry. It wasn't a bad day to do laundry. It was sunny, the uncomfortable heat alleviated by the gentle breeze blowing. It was nice, having just the four of us again after being in a large group for so long or being separated. I could almost believe we were just doing our regular chores back at the training camp, if not for the cloud of gloom that threatened to smother us and Levi's eyes trained on Eren.
I had to wonder why Levi was taking the watch today, not Petra or Gunther. You know, a more familiar and less intimidating face. Emphasis on less intimidating.
I know I was supposed to march up to him and say that I proved to him I wasn't just some stupid little girl, but that took a lot more guts than I had at the moment. I grimaced to myself, risking another glance towards Levi. I nearly squeaked when I realised he was looking at me again. I wished he wouldn't. I had to wonder if he recognised me, which brought its own set of complications. Mainly how to explain to Eren and Mikasa how I might know the man they admire and loathe respectively.
"Oi, brat," Levi called and I flinched on instinct, nearly turning before I caught myself. He was talking to Eren, which was obvious by the way Eren's head jerked up. I peeked at Levi from behind my hair, looking away quickly before he could notice I could be watching him. I didn't know why, but even though I wasn't the same girl he had dropped off at the orphanage, I felt eight again. "We have patrol."
Eren glanced at us, then at the pile of laundry we still had done. "Um, Heichou – "
"You have to go," I said quietly, my voice sounding meek even to me as I took the sheet out of his hands. "I'll wash. We'll see you later."
I'll admit that it hurt Levi-nii didn't even glance at me. It was also surprisingly easy to push away the hurt. He hadn't seen me in seven years and puberty changed a lot of things, sort of. Of course it wasn't a surprise if he didn't recognise me. Nothing to feel hurt about.
As they walked away, I noticed Mikasa's gaze on Levi-nii's – Levi's back. Her gaze was suspiciously blank, which was the only way I knew she was secretly plotting a way to make the elder pay for his crimes against Mikasa. I rolled my eyes, glancing at Armin and seeing him do the same. I hid a grin behind my forearm as I passed the sheet to Mikasa to rinse and grabbed another piece of dirty laundry.
The rest of our chores passed in companionable silence, the three of us not really needing to talk. It was easy being with Mikasa and Armin, just letting the silence speak for itself. The lack of need to fill the silence with chatter was refreshing.
Eventually, it was just me and Armin left as I shooed Mikasa to the mess hall to have a proper meal. She hadn't really gotten a proper breakfast, with Eren dragging her to god knows where to show her something before she was half-done. I was starting to think she was looking haggard. I knew some nights she wasn't sleeping well. It was usually the same nights when I was woken from a dream, the breath that I sucked in never leaving my throat until the panic subsided. Maybe the stress of the coming expedition and all that came with it was starting to affect me.
I didn't mind Mikasa not lending the extra hand. All we had left was to hang the laundry up to dry so another bunch of people could take it down and fold it. It was a two-person job and it would give Armin and me a chance to talk.
"You could have told me," he began. "I wouldn't have told them if you didn't want me to."
I sighed, throwing a sheet over the line and straightening it out. "I know. It just got harder the more I procrastinated that I just ended up not telling anyone."
He kept silent, prompting me to peek at him from behind the sheet. His eyebrows were furrowed in thought as he looked down at another damp sheet in his hands. He looked up, catching my eyes and starting slightly.
"He's the reason?" he asked. I pursed my lips, wondering how to answer, but Armin knew the answer from just one look. "He is."
"He's not my role model. Some days, I'm not even sure if I like him," I admitted, wringing out a particularly damp shirt. I watched the water trickle down rather than look up at Armin's curious blue eyes. "He told me I wouldn't be able to make it. I guess you could say I wanted to succeed just to spite him. Or something. I don't know."
He placed his hand over mine. I looked up to see him smile a little. "That sounds like you," he teased and I let out a laugh.
"It does, doesn't it?"
"Do you think he was shocked?"
I shrugged as we continued our work. "I'm not even sure if he recognises me."
D-10
I heard rustling from the bed next to me and looked up from my diagram of the scouting formation. I hoped I wasn't bothering Mikasa with the light. I mean, she wasn't usually bothered by it even though she was a light sleeper, but I could tell that she was having a bad dream. She didn't usually move a lot while she was sleeping, but she was quite agitated tonight.
I continued my studying, rubbing my eyes once the words started to blur. If I kept this up, I'd probably end up damaging my eyesight, but I didn't know how else to distract myself on these sleepless nights. I exhaled slowly, drawing my knees up to my chest and resting my chin on my knees. I still wasn't feeling tired and even the knowledge that I needed the sleep wasn't making my body crave sleep. I probably should get some rest; I had patrol just after breakfast and Reiner and the others wanted to have sparring practice, maybe some 3DMG training too if we could squeeze it in since we didn't have any lessons.
I slipped out of bed as quietly as I could, glancing at Mikasa's slumbering body. Maybe if I took a short walk, I'd be able to fall asleep. I just needed a change of scenery and allow my body to tire itself out. I glanced at my shoes, deciding against putting them on. I wouldn't go out of the castle. I wouldn't even leave the floor.
I shut the door behind me as quietly as I could, cupping my hand so the flame didn't sputter. The hallway was dark and I shivered from the slight draft. I should have grabbed my jacket.
My bare feet barely made a sound as I walked through the hallway, the stone floor cold against my feet. I paused by a door when I realised there was a faint light shining from under it. I glanced at it, realising it was Reiner's and Bertolt's room.
Listen at the door, a voice whispered in the back of my mind and I almost listened, but stopped short. I could hear murmuring, so I knew they were still up. I had to admit I was curious as to what they could be discussing, but curiosity did kill the cat.
I backed away, unease crawling over my skin as I stared at their door. Sometimes I got a strange feeling whenever I thought of those two. They just… didn't feel right. Some things just didn't add up. I shook that thought away, making my way to the back of the hall, where the stairs were.
(I heard the whisper of traitor that I didn't want to believe, even when some things made sense that way.)
I glanced down at the stairs leading to the basement – to where Eren was. Armin was asleep, so who was to say Eren wasn't either? I could hardly talk to anyone about my concerns. It was probably all in my head, like most things were. I sighed, running a hand through my hair as I sat down and placed the candle next to me. The light flickered over the walls, throwing shadows everywhere. I stared into the nothingness, waiting for the moment when my eyelids started to droop.
I didn't hear the footsteps until they were right behind me. I turned back, nearly falling down the stairs.
"You shouldn't be here," he said, sounding like he couldn't give a shit.
I glanced down the stairs. "Right," I replied, shooting to my feet. "I'll get to my room now, Heichou." I picked my candle up, bowing briefly before brushing past him.
Just as I took a step, he said, "You made it, brat."
I froze. I turned around again, frowning at Levi. He was looking at me and I could see a glint of recognition in eyes that were as hard as the steel our blades were made of. So he did remember me.
I took a quick glance around before letting my gaze settle on him once more. I stood a little straighter. "I told you I would."
I didn't expect a compliment or even acknowledgement. Levi didn't disappoint. He sighed, giving at me with a look that was a mix of disdain and judgement. "I put you in that orphanage so you wouldn't get yourself killed."
I bit back my sharp retort. I'd say that didn't work out very well since Shiganshina had been attacked. If I had stayed put the way he had expected me too, I probably would be dead. Talk about irony.
"I won't get myself killed," I replied instead.
He snorted. "We'll see. Get back to your room and stay there."
"Yes, sir," I muttered, continuing my journey back to my room.
D-06
The sounds of scrubbing filled the room. It was beginning to get on my nerves.
I glared at the stain on the floor that refused to disappear no matter how much energy I put into trying to obliterate it. Goddamn stubborn stain. I squinted down at it, picking at it with my nail. I hoped it wasn't blood or something disturbing like that. I looked around one of the unused rooms (of which there were many) in the castle that Levi had decided wasn't quite clean enough. To call him a clean freak was an understatement.
"If he's so nit-picky, why doesn't he clean it himself?" I muttered under my breath, scrubbing at the stain a couple more times before giving up on it. There was still more floor left to clean. Bertolt glanced up at me and I thought he was hiding a smile.
It was weird, being in a room with Bertolt like this, mainly because Reiner wasn't here. He had stable duty with Sasha (I didn't envy him at all) while the rest of us were tasked with castle clean-up. Bertolt and I were hardly close friends, so the air was thick with awkwardness.
I stopped scrubbing, looking at the giant (puberty was way too kind on him with the growth spurt). "Hey, Bertolt," I called. He glanced at me, eyes widening in surprise. "Why did you join the Recon Corps?"
He stopped as well, frowning at me as sweat beaded on his upper lip. It wasn't that odd, to be honest. It was a hot day and the air was stagnant. We had both abandoned our jackets an hour ago and my hair was sticking uncomfortably to my neck. "Why do you ask?"
I shrugged, shifting into a more comfortable position. "Eren and Armin said you told them you were going to the Military Police. I was just wondering why you didn't, since you could."
He sat down, stretching out his legs as he eyed me cautiously. Compared to Reiner, I had noticed that Bertolt was noticeably much more guarded. I didn't know why, but I wanted to use this moment to actually talk to him and be friends. The silence lengthened and I accepted that he likely didn't want to tell me.
"It's alright," I said eventually. "I was just curious, that's all."
"Why did you join the Recon Corps?"
I blinked at his question. "Me? I joined because… I wanted to see outside of the Walls, I guess." The excuse settled heavily on my tongue. It wasn't a lie because I did want to explore the lands outside of the walls, but that wasn't the main reason. I was hardly going to say I had joined the Recon Corps to sooth my wounded pride. We weren't close.
His lips twisted into a cynical frown. "There's nothing out of the walls but Titans and danger," he stated. There was an odd tone in his voice… almost knowing.
"True," I agreed slowly, "but that's not all. There's freedom too."
"Freedom," he sighed wistfully. I eyed him curiously, but decided not to pry. All I learned from experience was that with people like Bertolt, prying would only lead to them closing up tighter than before. "You always hang around Eren and Armin and Mikasa," he observed rather randomly.
"Yeah?"
He shrugged. "You didn't seem easy to get close to."
I wiped away the sweat on my forehead with my sleeve. That was new information. "Did a lot of people think that?" I frowned slightly in thought. I knew I was hardly approachable, but did most of the trainees see that as a wall? It was true that I didn't have many friends outside of my comfortable Shiganshina group, but they were always enough.
Bertolt shook his head. "I don't think so," he answered slowly. "You just didn't seem like the type to get close to people."
"Oh." I bit my lip. I guess I did tend to give out that vibe sometimes. I tilted my head as I studied him. "What changed your mind?"
He caught my gaze and held it. I tried to get a glimpse into his thoughts, but that was about as easy as squeezing water from a rock. I could almost feel him reading my thoughts that I laid bare like an open book. I blinked, looking away and breaking the gaze. I wasn't used to letting anyone other than Armin read me so easily.
"I don't really know," he said. He threw a pointed glance to our brushes. "We should get back to work."
I gripped my brush, but didn't start scrubbing. I could hear in my mind's ear Eren's voice, recounting Bertolt calling himself a coward and weak-willed.
"I don't think you're a coward," I admitted quietly. I almost thought he didn't hear me, but he paused, glancing back at me. Confusion flooded his green eyes. I couldn't help but notice that the green of his eyes was a lot flatter than Eren's.
"Why would you say that?"
"A coward would have gone to the Military Police." I winced when irritation flashed in his eyes. "I don't mean to say Annie's a coward. It's just that… she didn't go there for the easy life. You just… allow yourself to be swept up in the crowd."
A bewildered smile touched his lips. "You're saying that I'm easily influenced."
"Well… you're here, aren't you?"
"I'm not denying it."
I studied him. "You're not a bad person. It's not a crime to let yourself be influenced sometimes." His shoulders tensed, so I dropped the subject.
"Just depends on what I'm letting myself be influenced by, right?" he said, sending me a hesitant smile.
I smiled back as well. It was a small smile, but still a smile. "Right."
We let the rest of the time pass in silence. At least this time we weren't choking on our awkwardness. I mulled over my thoughts. Some of Bertolt's reactions didn't make sense. I was beginning to think that both Reiner and Bertolt just didn't make sense in my head. Maybe I just didn't know how to understand people like them. I had certainly never met anyone like them before. I had never seen two boys more attached to each other.
I planted my hands on my hips as we surveyed the room once we were done. "Do you think he'll approve?" Bertolt questioned as he grabbed our things. I thanked him as he handed me my jacket and pail.
I shrugged. "I really don't care," I sighed. "We spent three hours cleaning. I think that's more than enough time for a room that'll likely be used for storage." Or possibly a medical bay, depending on the time.
He smiled softly. "Then let's head to the mess hall for dinner."
I grinned. "Great. I've been hearing your stomach grumble for the past half hour."
He flushed, but didn't disagree. I wasn't really exaggerating; it was a small room.
"How did cleaning go?" Reiner asked, smirking as the two of us slid onto the bench.
"Well, Bertolt and I tried to kill each other within the first hour by dunking our heads in soap water," I replied, smiling serenely. Stunned stares were directed at both of us as Bertolt shot me a mildly concerned look. "I'm joking. Do you really think that badly of me?"
"Bertl could have taken you," Reiner said confidently. Bertolt shook his head, smiling nervously.
"No way," Eren disagreed. "Dani's smart. She could take him!"
Reiner raised an eyebrow. "Bertolt has at least thirty centimetres over pipsqueak."
"I resent that," I huffed. I'm not that short.
"Dani's been training under Mikasa," Eren bragged. I whacked the back of his hand with my spoon. "What?"
Reiner's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "No shit?"
Eren's grin turned smug, arm reaching out to plaster me against his side. "No shit."
I glared at him, jabbing his side in a futile attempt to get him to release me. He usually didn't. I swear, one day I'll find his weak spot that'll make him crumple.
It wasn't really that I was training under Mikasa. It would have been more accurate to say that Mikasa had been giving me pointers and I made a conscious effort to pay heed. Mikasa was good and if listening to her would keep me from dying, I would listen. Any advice that could keep me alive was good advice.
Reiner turned his eyes to me, gaze scrutinising. "You know what? I think she could take Bertl on."
"Hey!"
D-03
I loved summer. It gave us wonderful days like these and made sitting in the shade of a tree bearable. I inhaled the scent of summer deeply, eyeing the apples hanging above me and hoping an Isaac Newton moment wouldn't happen to me. On the bright side, if that happened, I wouldn't have to climb up to get an apple.
I found myself alone, which wasn't a bad thing, surprisingly enough. I had been so used to being around people – Mikasa, Armin, Eren, even Jean to an extent – that I had almost forgotten what it was like to be well and truly alone with my thoughts. They didn't turn dark the way I feared they would, instead remaining in that pleasant buzz of awareness and daydream.
Armin was with Jean and Mikasa in the mess hall, the three of them discussing the long-range scouting formation and the expedition. I had bowed out; I didn't want to blurt some future knowledge out by accident, even if Armin and Mikasa were more than used to my occasional premonitions. This was something that I simply couldn't slip up. Accusing Annie… it was difficult and something I really didn't want to do.
I glanced back down at my notebook, drawing in the empty page. There were sketches of flowers, birds and machines that didn't exist here. I drew of trains, cars and the Eiffel tower. I drew of what I could remember from that old life, the one I had mourned and moved on from, but could never quite forget. I drew back and scrutinised my doodles. My hands were steadier now, the lines I sketched even and sure. I wasn't an artist, but my drawings were passable, I guess.
Feet rustled the grass, causing me to shut my notebook and look up. I smiled, raising a hand in greeting as Eren neared.
He peered around. "Where are Armin and Mikasa?"
"Talking about class," I answered with a slight roll of my eyes. "I just decided to take some time to myself." Days where we didn't have any training or lessons that dragged were wonderful and I was going to take advantage of it. "Where's your keeper?"
He blinked at me in confusion before understanding lit up his green eyes. "Oluo senpai's over there," he said, gesturing over his shoulder. I followed his gesture, noticing the man who had mistaken me for Petra that time.
I studied Eren, his gaze shifting between me and the ground. "How are you feeling?" I asked, causing him to jerk.
"I'm fine," he answered and I could tell it was a knee-jerk reaction.
I frowned. "How are you really feeling? The expedition is in three days."
He paused this time. Then, he looked up at me, eyes shining with determination. "I'm fine," he repeated, sounding much more sure of himself. "How about you?"
I pushed a lock of hair behind my ear, looking away from him. "Fine," I answered. "I'm just, you know, a little scared."
"Oh." His voice was soft, like he hadn't expected my honest answer. "I'm sure it'll be fine." Doubt laced his voice, but I didn't call him out on it. It'll be fine, hopefully.
(But I knew it wouldn't really be.)
"You're not scared," I stated. He opened his mouth to protest, but I didn't give him a chance. "You're worried, though. I can tell. Do you want to talk about it?"
He fell quiet, his forehead wrinkling in thought. "Jean's right, you know," he said quietly. I noticed his hands clench into fists on the ground and placed my hand over his. "They're all counting on me. I don't want to let him down; let all of you down."
"You won't," I protested half-heartedly, my heart sinking into my stomach because that wasn't true. He shot me a sharp look and I sighed, unfurling his fist so I could hold his hand. It was odd for me to do this with Eren, but he seemed like he needed it and running off to get Mikasa now would only ruin the moment. "I can't promise you won't let people down. You can't please everyone." I squeezed his hand, hoping he could feel all my sincerity in that one action. "Armin and I have faith in you. Mikasa doesn't doubt you at all. Just give your all and it wouldn't matter if you let people down. The three of us would never be disappointed in you." I gave a weary smile, leaning back against the tree. "Just don't die on us and leave us defenceless."
"Never," he whispered fiercely, squeezing my hand back before letting go. A small smile spread across his lips. "Thanks, Dani."
I bumped shoulders with him. "What are friends for?" My gaze turned stern. "I'm serious though. Don't die. I'll cry." So would Mikasa. I didn't think I could take the pressure of knowing I had let myself down like that. I was supposed to make sure he carried out his insane plan of exterminating all the Titans.
He poked my cheek, but I could sense the seriousness behind his teasing words as he retorted, "I'm sure you look really ugly when you cry, so I won't."
I hoped he realised I was going to hold him to that promise. I was going to hold him to that promise until the day I died and if it had to come down to it, I'd go first if it ensured his, Armin's and Mikasa's continued survival. Technically, I could be considered a canon-fodder character. I could be sacrificed just so they would live. I was willing to do that. After all, I've already died once. What's death a second time?
Lonely, a meek voice in the back of my mind answered. I shoved it away, locking it in a box.
"Good." I nodded once, letting my fingers trail over the sparse grass.
We sat in silence for a while, just enjoying the camaraderie that came from years of knowing each other. While the moment alone had been nice, sitting here with Eren only made me aware of how much I despised solitude sometimes. There was comfort breathing that wasn't just my own, of feeling warmth that wasn't just the sun.
"Do you remember the book Armin showed us?" he asked out of the blue. I hummed, signalling I did. "Do you think we'll see all of those? The land of ice and the burning water and the ocean…"
I tried to remember what those had looked like in my old life, but all I could recall were the fading pictures drawn on yellowed pages. I sighed wistfully. "I hope so," I murmured. I looked up at the tree, shielding us from the worse of the sun. "I'd really like to see the ocean."
Of everything, I just wanted to see the ocean. I wanted to see the blues and greens in the waves and feel the spray of salt water against my face. I wanted to remember what being at a beach felt like.
"We'll see it," Eren swore, voice full of conviction. I looked over at him, the familiar fire in his eyes. "You, me, Mikasa and Armin – we'll see the ocean and we'll visit the land of ice. We'll travel the endless sand pit and climb those giant mountains!"
I smiled at the conviction he said those words in. It sounded like a damn good plan. "We'll bring the others too," I suggested and he turned those green eyes towards me, darkened with the fervour of his desire.
"Alright. I won't rest until those lands are attainable."
I chuckled. He would forego rest to reach his goal, but that's what Armin and I were there for. We'd be there to remind him to rest when he was run ragged and Mikasa would be there to protect us. He suddenly let out a yelp and my jaw dropped in disbelief as he rubbed the top of his head and held up a red apple.
It was the hardest I had laughed in a long time.