Requested by 29k: Last part (11), Seth told Dean that he loved him and last time Seth did that (back in part 6 (?)) Dean panicked. Apart from freezing (the moment before Roman shows up), I need to know how Dean felt, why didn't he panic (well full on panic attack) this time? Did he tell Roman? - I hope I'm not asking for too much and I understand that you might even be planning to cover this later. But just pleeeeaaasssseeee!
Companion piece to finally breaking; i need you to breathe. (Starts a few minutes after the last request. Thought I'd post them in a row.) Trigger warning for a small panic attack.
Dean has finally ripped that stupid gray Authority shirt off Seth's chest, lips locked with his friend's – because as mad as he had been before, even he realized that he has to give Seth a break once in a while. His baby brother has been apologizing so desperately this whole time for all the things he is responsible for and the ones he just can't prevent from happening.
Seth is not perfect. Neither is Dean though.
His mind is still telling him very urgently to stop this impromptu make-out session right now before he can't control it anymore. Before he gives Seth the wrong impression and goes too far to ever turn back.
What a good thing that Dean listens to his heart more than he does to his head, and his very own heart is telling him that all he felt earlier were his own emotions, just multiplied by a thousand due to the sedative. Dean can be as grumpy and distanced as he wants to, the simple truth is that he enjoys this as much as his brother.
This here – Seth being so close that the tips of their noses touch and his fingers playing around with the ridiculously cute chest hair – is what Dean wants every single day of his life, what keeps him going.
The best part about this? They're taking it slow, moving forward at Dean's painfully slow celerity, so he can deal with every new situation on his own before the next one comes crashing down on him.
Thinking about it, it's a miracle Seth condones the fact that Dean is in control, that he's setting the pace. It's damn near perfect.
Of course it doesn't last – because why would the universe miss out on an opportunity to kick him in the junk? Seth has to go and ruin everything by murmuring against his lips, 'I love you.' To make things even worse, it's completely honest and innocent. Dean can't deal with that yet.
So the only logical thing to do is start panicking. His whole body freezes in an instant, his chest seizes up while his heartbeat skyrockets and a wave of nausea assaults him, almost making him throw up all over Seth. He's gonna lose it in front of his brother yet again, because that overzealous klutz won't stop confessing his undying love for Dean.
He gets it. He really does. Seth thinks it's important to remind him over and over, so Dean won't forget. But Seth has to understand that he needs his space – especially now – because he is smothering him with those words.
They're not making him all happy and giddy, no, they're throwing him into the arms of a full-blown panic attack.
For fuck's sake, this guy standing right before him has single-handedly ripped open the nastiest, ugliest scars of his past. He'd been in such a good mindset for the past few years, had even fooled himself into believing for the longest time he got rid of those stupid anxiety attacks.
Dean has said it before and he will never get tired of repeating it: Seth brings out the best and sadly also the worst of him. And him practically being able to feel his lungs stop working just proves it. Three little words can fuck him over in no time.
Thank God for Roman though, because he is interrupting them with a smack over the head in that very moment, helping Dean to get that one second of distraction that he needs to hide his inner turmoil. He's trying to turn away from Seth's affectionate gaze but his feet won't follow his brain's order.
'Guys, I get it, mutual attraction and all that. I can see it, the world can definitely see it and, I mean, I can almost smell your neediness– oh, for God's sake, Dean, put your pants back on,' Roman seethes, separating the two of them while Seth just snickers like a little child, watching him pull his pants up. When did they fall down? Seth really is a ninja.
'This is, I can't even believe how stupid the two of you– playing with fire and, God, I should just make signs for everyone in the goddamn arena to follow them here if they want to see something not funny,' the big bad wolf roars on, clearly furious because of their mindlessness.
He manages to beam at Seth, very proud with himself that he is still standing and not lying on the ground, weeping and wheezing, pissing himself like a dying man. But just because Roman was able to interrupt the vicious circle he usually falls in during those attacks, it doesn't mean he won't go down that road later. It's only a pleasure deferred, right?
'We're leaving and you,' Roman grits out, pointing accusingly at Seth, 'should go too. And take care of that unfinished business. What are you, horny little teenagers?'
Well, Dean is not the one having to go back to the Authority with an erection in his abnormally tight pants. Actually, he doesn't have one at all. And right now, he can't even remember if he popped a boner tonight in the first place.
Seth has the guts to hold his thumbs up and smile bashfully at their brother, which does make Dean laugh out really loud – surprising not only himself with it, even though it does sound a bit breathless.
He gets pushed out of the way by Roman once he buckled his belt again and watches how Seth gets the most intense big brother stare before the soft part of Ro takes over and he hugs Seth close to his chest, whispering something in their baby brother's ear Dean can't make out.
They turn to leave but he doesn't want to go away without an actual goodbye again, so he turns around and waves while they're walking, eliciting one last warm smile from his friend that sends a shiver down Dean's spine.
Somehow, and he really can't say how, he is able to hold on to reality – he even makes a joke while leaving the arena – for as long as they're in Seth's earshot. As soon as they're out of it, he crumbles, legs giving out and judging by Roman's concerned look, he probably just turned white as a ghost.
He gets grabbed by the shoulders but couldn't care less about the pain shooting through his body – seriously, worst painkiller-tranquilizer-combo ever. Blood is rushing through his ears, creating a deafening noise but he still can hear Roman speaking hurriedly, 'Are you okay? Dean, talk to me.'
He shakes his head before he tries to draw a shaky breath, failing miserably, so he just croaks out a pathetic, 'Get me out of here... please.' Roman nods, helping Dean to walk faster by holding him tight, always keeping an eye out for people who would ask stupid questions and spread all kinds of rumors if they'd see him like this.
They don't speak on the way back to the hotel. Dean is trying to hold it together, to calm himself down because it's not a big deal that Seth won't fucking keep those damn words to himself, and Roman is just his usual patient self, ready to wait forever if that's the time it takes Dean to talk about this.
His brother also gives him the space he needs when they're in their tiny hotel room and Dean instantly dashes into the bathroom to lock himself in it. Roman understands that he wants to try and deal with this on his own and no matter how this will turn out, he'll always be there waiting to pick up the pieces, if necessary.
Dean can't tell how long he sits on the tiles, hugging himself, wallowing in self-pity and fear but the panic attack he has been waiting for never comes. At least not to the extent he had imagined. He doesn't cry and is still able to breathe but he feels really sick to the point of throwing up if he just blinks and his whole body is shaking.
The entire time he is fighting for control over his body he keeps on questioning himself why he's not a crying mess right now. Why Seth's love confession scared him to dea– oh. Even his hazed mind is able to answer that one. It's so obvious.
Because there is only one thing frightening him even more than Seth's love and that are his own feelings for his friend. What kind of imbroglio has he gotten himself into? And why is he trying to solve this shit alone when there is someone in the adjacent room who would do anything to make him feel better and help him out?
There's some faint moonlight creeping its way into their room but since he spent the last few whatever in complete darkness he can see perfectly fine, making out Roman's shape in the bed. Since he doesn't know if his brother is sleeping or not, he crawls carefully under the covers and snuggles up to him.
He will tell Roman what got his panties in a knot tomorrow, because that's what they do – share their burdens. But for now he just wants to forget Seth's eagerness and persistence and drown in Roman's protective calmness.
Dean smiles relieved when Roman's arm sneaks around his waist and pulls him in.