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Rating: M, for strong language (and lots of it!)
Genre: Humor, Holiday Fun
Characters: Quil, Bella, Paul, Jacob, Embry, Jared
Origin: This one is also posted in my holiday one-shots group, Eat, Drink, and Be Merry on Tricky Raven.
A/N at the end. Skip it if you hate A/Ns!
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Muffin Top
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On the first day of Christmas…
… my Bella gave to me…
….a fat werewolf pouting in a tree…
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Bella danced around Paul's kitchen, baking cookies and cupcakes and those little wafer things he loved so much while half the pack gathered around the table—as was their habit whenever she baked anything, much less the week of Christmas. Turning to set another dozen on her cooling racks, she watched Quil demolish hours of her hard work, no less than six dozen cupcakes, disappearing faster than a virgin on prom night.
She laid a hand on his arm and asked him if he wanted to talk about it.
Around a mouthful of frosting, he asked, "What?"
"I can't help but notice you ate—" She glanced down the length of the empty counter and sighed. "—every single cupcake I baked this morning." She sighed again. "But I don't think eating is the solution to…"
She looked around the room for a little backup from the others, none of whom would make eye contact. Glaring at them, she hissed, "You're going to make me say it, aren't you?"
Paul grinned, his teeth caked with black paste and pale green frosting.
She rolled her eyes.
Embry snorted on a laugh and green frosting blew out both nostrils.
"You chicken-shit assholes always leave me to do your dirty work…" she grumbled, heaving a gusting sigh and hanging her head, hands on her hips.
Quil glanced back and forth from her to the guys sitting around the table, noting none would look at him, either.
Except for Paul. He looked way too smug for this to be good news.
Squaring her shoulders, she tried to figure out where to begin. "Quil… Honey…" she trailed off, pressing her lips together and biting down hard, trying to find a nice way to say 'your ass is going to have its own zip code soon'.
"You're getting a little muffin top," she blurted out.
The idiot hyenas at Paul's table cackled.
Clamping a hand over her mouth, she shook her head in apology, her eyes wide and appalled.
That's not what she meant to say at all!
Fucking Lahote and his big, fat fucking mouth rubbing off on her and eroding her social skills and fucking forget any semblance of tact. And fucking forget subtlety, too.
And, for fuck's sake, what's with all the fucking 'fuck's all of a sudden…?
She turned on her mate, hissing and spitting, "This is your doing."
"I know, right?" He grinned. "It's fucking great!" And ate another cupcake.
"Stop saying 'fuck'! No more 'fuck's in this kitchen! This is a 'fuck'-free zone!" she growled.
"Too fucking bad for you, dude," Jared whispered, snickering.
Paul mouthed, Fuck you.
Jake cracked an imaginary whip.
Everybody laughed, except for Quil.
He screwed up his face in confusion. "What the fuck is a 'muffin top'?" His eyes lit up. "Is that like another kind of cupcake?"
Bella snarled, whirling around to pin him with an indignant glare, "What THE FUCK did I just say?"
"No fucking clue," Jared snorted, trying to catch the laugh in the palm of his hand.
Bella licked her finger and chalked the air, "Number one on my fucking shit list, Cameron." Raising two fingers, she pointed at her eyes and turned them on him, letting him know the fucking list was real and it meant fucking business.
"She means those jeans are held together by a wish and a prayer, and put down the cupcake, fat ass," Paul growled, snatching a box of the remaining treats to take to the table as Quil grabbed another, hugging it to his chest and flouncing to the door.
Bella's face fell a little. She never would have said it like that, even if … well, if she was being totally honest, those jeans were barely a baker's dozen away from being dust rags and she'd seen more than enough of Quil's ass for two lifetimes. "Quil, you know I would never… I didn't mean-"
"I'm gonna finish this last box of cupcakes somewhere less judgmental. And for your information, I do not have a fat ass. I take after my mother. She says I'm big-boned."
"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that while you eat my cupcakes and pray those jeans have the will to live another day, nimrod," Paul growled.
Then Quil tossed his hair—actually tossed it like a L'oreal commercial—and stormed out the door.
Bella wiped floury hands on her apron, smiling wryly, "Well, that could have gone worse."
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"Whatch doin' up there, lil' buddy?" Jake asked, gazing up into the tree that used to hold Quil's tire swing … until he broke it two weeks ago.
"Eating my feelings—what's it look like?" he sneered and stuffed two more cupcakes in his mouth.
Man-struating, Jake mouthed to Embry.
Embry tried to placate their best friend, easing back a few steps when the branch over their heads creaked ominously, "Bella didn't mean anything by it, Q. You know she doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She's just worried about you, bud. She's a girl. They assume everyone is eating their feelings when seventy-two chocolate cupcakes disappear in less than eight minutes."
Quil pouted and stuffed another cupcake in his mouth, crumbs spraying with every word, "I am a goddamn werewolf, not some fourteen-year old girl worrying about whether or not the thirty-seven waffles and eleven eggs I ate for breakfast are going straight to my hips. And even if they did, I would still look fuck-awesome because I GOT AN ASS THAT WON'T QUIT. How do you like them apples, Tweedle Dumb and Dumber?"
Jake and Embry looked at each other and crossed their arms. They waited half a heartbeat before pointing at each other, barking in unison, "Not it!"
"You're both 'Dumber'," Paul grumbled, smacking them upside their heads and pointing into the tree canopy. "And get that tubby bastard out of the poor tree before he falls and busts his fuckin' head open. My girl isn't making him one more goddamn cupcake, much less waiting on him hand and foot while he heals a broken leg because he pouted like a bitch and dropped like a stone."
Looking up into the tree, he snarled, "You hear me, Ateara?! You crack that fat melon on top a'your neck and I'll make you watch me eat those fuckin' cupcakes from your hospital bed. And lay off the sweets, fatty! Your wolf's ass is so big, your mama's gonna get jealous!"
Quil's face tightened.
"Are you gonna cry?" Paul demanded, hands on his hips.
"Depends," he pouted.
"On what?"
"Do you really think my ass looks fat in my fur coat?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Paul threw his hands in the air and stalked back to his place, muttering about werewolf asses, psyching himself up to stand up to Bella because he's a grown-fucking-man and he should be able to say 'fuck' in his own goddamn kitchen any-fucking-time he wanted.
Quil heard him storm into the house and snarl at Bella, "And I'll say 'fuck' if I want to!"
"And I'll stop sucking your dick if I want to," she replied primly.
"Ha!" Quil bellowed, shifting his weight, eyes widening at the resounding crack of the tree shaking beneath him.
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Stunned and disoriented, he blinked as his vision cleared. Standing over him were Jake and Embry, watching in silence, eyebrows raised.
"You tell him about this and I'll show everybody that picture of you two naked in the tub together when you were three."
"Deal," they agreed, helping him to his feet, watching while he dusted himself off.
"Uh, Quil…" Jake's voice shook with barely suppressed laughter.
"Don't say a word," he growled, stalking into the forest, bare ass hanging out the split in his pants.
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A/N: I would probably punch Paul in the babymaker if he talked to me like that. ;-)
Thanks go to JaspersDarlinKathy for looking over my first draft. And thanks very much also to my BFF meliz875 for not putting up with my shit and not being afraid to say, "Fix your shit and quit procrastinating, you have Embry things to write", and that's why I love her. :-D If you haven't seen it yet, she posted a holiday outtake on her Quil/Bella fic, Wake the Earth yesterday and it's awesome and I loved it and you will, too!