Ch. 7: Das Licht Am Ende Der Welt
What feeling feels like over time. An attempt to screw up what feeling feels like over time. Heartbreak and a high C... The often welcome melodic lie... The soul's undersong. The orchestration of randomness, a flirtation with the boundaries of silence and space... a reminder that the self wants to disappear, be taken away from itself and returned. ~Stephen Dunn, about music
Feliciano stood alone. The canvas in front of him had taken years to complete. Floor to ceiling, wall to wall. Colors blending perfectly. It was all he had left of his happiness. All he had left of love. A single painting. Of a better time. Here he never had to pretend. Here he never had to be numb. Here he could be himself. Here he could feel. This place, this room, with one a four walls, a canvas full of life, and a single chair, was his Heaven on Earth. No one to yell at him. To tell him to be someone else. He he was free.
The room was free of dust. Feliciano had always taken great pride in his cleaning abilities. This room was a testament to that. Siting in the worn chair, the brunette sang softly to the image in front of him.
Because he liked it when I sang.
The words filled the room. Soft notes, filled with the remnants of emotion. All the feeling he could muster. A language not his own, but one he knew just as well. A modern song that shook with the feelings he had been harboring for centuries, but couldn't seem to actually feel.
'Hör die Gesänge der Gespenster
Warum bin ich nicht taub
Nacht besiegt das Sonnenlicht
Sie kriecht aus ihrem Loch
Panik wächst mir ins Gesicht
Wie lange noch
Endlichkeit umfängt mich
In dieser Halluzination
Ich kämpfe gegen mich allein
Viel zu lange schon
Zeig mir das Licht am Ende der Welt
Nimm mich mit ans Ende der Zeit
Zeig mir den Weg und das Ziel
Reich mir die Hand die mich hält
Zeig mir das Licht am Ende der Welt
Zeig mir das Licht...'
Lovino leaned against the door, listening to his brother's voice. Years he'd done this. Finding out what his brother had become had nearly killed him. Knowing he had played a part ate at him everyday. When Feliciano hid away in his 'special room' it was the only time Lovino could feel in any way close to him.
'Kalte Hände an der Kehle
Ich fühle nichts mehr
Die Nacht regiert das Leben schweigt
Und legt sich in sein Grab
Ich lege mich an seine Seite
Und warte auf den Tag'
He knew this song. He remembered when Feliciano came home (one of the few times he was actually at their house and not with Spain) clutching a CD case. When he had asked, Feliciano had said it was something from Gilbert. The song was the only thing he herd the entire time he was home. It was part of the reason he escaped back to Spain. He wished he hadn't. He wished he had been there when Feli needed him most. But he never was and now he never would be enough. He would forever be one of the brothers that had abandoned him. Tears ran down Lovino's cheeks as he cried into his knees. He had let his brother down and God was punishing him for it.
'Befrei mich aus der Dunkelheit
Zeig mir das Licht das Leben macht
Damit der Sturm in Meinem Kopf sich legt
Am Ende dieser Nacht'
Confused. He had never felt so confused in his whole life. His best friend, was, was. He couldn't even say the words to himself. Feliciano, wasn't Feliciano. The man he knew for years didn't exist. How? Why? When did it happen? Was he to fault?
'Zeig mir das Licht am Ende der Welt
Nimm mich mit ans Ende der Zeit
Zeig mir den Weg und das Ziel
Reich mir die Hand die mich hält
Zeig mir das Licht am Ende der Welt'
Another swallow of the cool liquid helped to ease his overtaxed mind. The fog it brought helped to make the confusion and hurt go away. For days he kept himself in this blissful state. Numbed to the worries of his mind and his brother. But even in the blurry relief that his precious beer brought to him he knew. He knew that he had to solve the riddle that Italy set before him.
If I ever was his ally, friend, I will save him. I must.
The ceiling had never seemed so far away from him before. His outstretched hand seemed so close to the ceiling. But it wasn't. Just like this whole situation. West nearly comatose on beer. Italy colder than that bastard Russia's territory. Romano not shocked. The whole thing was just fucked up.
"Scheiße!" Flinging himself into a sitting position on the edge of his bed, Prussia stared at the floor. He remembered the day that Austria had brought the little guy to live with him. He had never seen such a cute kid before, well except for Holy Rome...Red eyes widened at the thought. Holy Rome...
'Hilf mir mich nicht zu verliern
Hilf mir die Hoffnung zu sehn
Es gibt so viel zu bereun
Es gibt so viel zu verstehn'
"Is dat vhat happened Feli? Is dat vhat caused you do break? Did ve do dis do you?" For the first time in years, Prussia let himself cry. He had found the answer he had spent the days after the World Meeting looking for. That one moment in history that had destroyed someone important to him. And he didn't do a thing to make amends. He didn't even try to prevent France from harming his little brother. He could have done something. He could have told Holy Rome that he would take charge of the troops. Or gone against his Leader and took the blow or just stopped France. He could have stalled and let the young nation run and hide. But he hadn't he fought the battles he was told to fight and listened to his leader, not something he usually did. His best friend killed his little brother, that's what Italy thought. That's what everyone thought. He would rectify things. He would make right what was wrong. He had to. Both his precious little brother and a close friend very lives were at stake.
Prussia looked in the direction that he knew Ludwig would be. Tears still running down his pale face. The words were barely audible to the small yellow mass of feathers currently on his head.
"Erinnern Sie sich an ihn überhaupt, Westen?"
'Hilf mir mich nicht zu verliern
Nie wieder einsam zu sein
Sag mir ich bin nicht allein!'
So many questions. Far to many. It seemed like it would take years, decades – no centuries – to answer. How had cute little Ita turned into someone so cold? Where had they gone wrong? Romano had known. His precious toamoto pequeño had known about Feli. Had known he had changed. Why hadn't he seen it? Why hadn't he known? Had he really just brushed Feli off like that?
'Zeig mir das Licht am Ende der Welt
Nimm mich mit ans Ende der Zeit
Zeig mir den Weg und das Ziel
Reich mir die Hand die mich hält
Zeig mir das Licht am Ende der Welt'
He needed to find out. He needed to know. To understand. To see. If he was responsible, then he had to make it right! He couldn't be the Boss Spain that he had tried so hard to be if he let one of his subordinates continue to hurt! He would find Germany and ask him a ton of questions. Then he would track down Romano and do the same thing.
Emerald eyes flashed with determination and a ferocity none had seen since his pirate days. He would protect those he cared for no matter what, no matter who. Even if the enemy was himself. He was Boss Spain. And no one messed with his cute Italians. No one.
The world continued to spin. People continued on with their lives. Nations, though confused, stayed out of affairs that didn't directly concern their territory or political standings. No one herd the sobs of southern have of Italy. No one herd the quiet voice of the nation's northern half. Life moved forward, not caring who it left behind or what state they were in.
'Zeig mir das Licht am Ende der Welt
Nimm mich mit ans Ende der Zeit
Zeig mir was ich noch nie sah
Wo noch kein anderer war
Zeig mir das Licht am Ende der Welt
Zeig mir das Licht...'
A/N: There it is! Hope you guys enjoyed it. I also want to thank all of you who have reviewed. It really does lift my spirits and motivates me to keep going. Also to all of you who have fav'd this story or have added me to alert list, thank you as well. I smile and giggle like an idiot when I open my email and find out I have knew people reading. My Grammy thinks I'm a little weird when I burst out like that...But all is well! See ya next chapter.
~JG
Translations:
Song is called 'Das Licht Am Ende Der Welt' by Megaherz.
(For song lyrics and tranulation go here – http :/lyr icstran slate .com/ en/d as-licht -am-end e-der-welt-li ght-end -world. Html (just remove the spaces))(Ger.)
Erinnern Sie sich an ihn überhaupt, Westen? – Do you remember him at all, West? (Ger.)
Toamoto pequeño – Little tomato
Names:
Ludwig – Germany
Feliciano/Feli/Ita – Italy
Lovino/Lovi/Romano – South Italy
Gilbert – Prussia
Antonio/Boss Spain – Spain (I know. I never mentioned his human name and Boss Spain is obvious, but I wanted to include all the major players of this chapter/ filler thing.)