Chapter 16: Tries

The shocked faces when he entered the US delegation´s room didn´t really come as a surprise. The story he´d concocted (rain/dark/slippery stairway) brought him pitying glances and a few pats on the shoulder that made him wince (Dean´s fingers had left bruises there). Alistair looked at him sharply, frowned, and used the first possibility to pull him into the niche again.

„This doesn´t have anything to do with our...arrangement, I hope? I got the message from Winchester Friday evening, and I must say I´ve never been glader to hear from the man. He especially praised your professionalism and ...how did he put it...sincerity."

„I fell, that´s all. I didn´t want to mention the quantity of sake that was involved in the accident in front of everyone, but, well – it´s as dull as that. No Yakuza or secret organisations involved. Frustrating, I know..." Alistair scrutinized his face for another 20 seconds, but Cas´ performance seemed to have been convincing enough.

„Well, I´m glad to hear it. I could have never forgiven myself if I´d put you in the line of fire, so to speak. Now – good work, Novak, really, well done. If the Japanese stick to what Winchester told me, everything should be wrapped up withing a few days. It would be great if we have a treaty ready and signed by Saturday – you know, the big celebration during the Sanja Matsuri Festival, wouldn´t that be great? Such a colorful supporting program, right?" Castiel noded tiredly. The lack of sleep already pulled at his nerves.

When the bell sounded, he shuffled to the conference room behind everyone else. He dreaded the inevitable moment when he would have to meet Dean. How do I look at him? What do I say, if Alistair insists on meeting? Will I be able to stay cool? Questions whirled through his head, making him dizzier and more distracted than he already was, and he was so lost in his thoughts, staring at the floor, that he didn´t see the broad back in front of the entrance door until he was running straight into it.

„OUCH!" Smashing your already broken nose into solid muscle mass wasn´t that good an idea. „I´m so sorr- " , he started, when he recognized the scent – this special scent he´d be addicted to for the rest of his life, as short as it might probably be. The person belonging to the back turned. Cas met the green eyes, unprepared for the expression of guilt and shock that flickered in them for a moment, nor for the hand Dean raised to Cas´ cheek in a kind of reflex. He stopped himself before he reached Cas, and the hand fell down at his side. His face was back to detached professional interest again.

„Castiel", he said, voice rough. „I´m sorry to see you in such ...bad shape. Let me know if I can do anything to ease your discomfort." His eyes bore into Cas´ without blinking.

„Oh, I ... that´s very kind of you to offer, but – well, it´s more a case of – hurt pride, and the deserved reward for stupidity and recklessness", he said coolly, staring straight back.

„I see", Dean murmured, looking down at his hands. He was even paler than the week before, Cas noticed, and his eyes looked as tired as Cas´ felt.

Looks like he hasn´t slept or eaten much either, he thought. Dean looked up, and straightened his shoulders. „We might need to meet again for ... the mediation ... this evening", he said, all business. „I hope you are available, just in case the negotiations need a further ... push?"

Cas studied the beautiful, so carefully controlled face for a moment. Dean´s expression in the moment of orgasm came to his mind, finally free, and overflowing with emotions.

„Of course", he said briefly, nodded, and excused himself, slipping through the entrance to sit down at his place.

They made good process. By lunchtime, Alistair seemed his usual boisterous self again, and honestly surprised when Dean approached him.

„I would like to ask for another private meeting with your translator", he said in his cool, measured tone.

Alistair looked alarmed. „Is there a new problem? Should we re -" Dean raised his hand to stop him. „It´s nothing much, I can assure you. Just a few details...I believe it woud be better to ease them away before we discuss the matter tomorrow morning. That way, they won´t even become problems, and no one needs to be concerned", he said, sounding perfectly reasonable.

„Of course, of course – that is, if Castiel - " He turned around, to find Castiel on his seat, watching them. „Would you agree to meeting Mr. Winchester again this evening, Castiel?" Cas looked at Dean´s impassionate face. „It will be my pleasure", he said drily.

Dean shot him a glance, but only nodded. „Perfect", he said, and left the room.

„Are you coming to lunch?", Alistair asked. Cas shook his head. „I´ll stay here and get some rest. These cheeks aren´t really useful when it comes to chewing food right now", he said, and waited for his boss and everyone else to leave; then he went for one of the smaller offices down the corridor, where he knew a pretty comfortable sofa would guarantee a nice lie-down. He´d had serious difficulties keeping his eyes open for the last hour; and once on the sofa, he practically fell asleep as soon as his head met the armrest.

His dreams were confused, and full of blurred faces and dark stairways. Somewhere a bell was ringing, and he couldn´t quite place it, there was some emergency, and he knew he had to save someone, someone with a carp tatooed on his back, a moving, living fish, and when he approached the person to warn him, the fish turned and talked...

„Castiel...Cas...wake up. Cas." He knew the carp´s voice, rough and dark colored – the man with the tattooed back finally turned, and grabbed Cas, shook him, and Cas gasped, because the man had no face, only a blurred patch...Cas fought his grip, he struggled to get free, and all the while the carp kept talking from the faceless man´s back and-

„Castiel! Wake up! It´s me! CAS!"

He opened his eyes, and the carp´s voice and the faceless man melted into Dean Winchester, bent over him, holding his hands down on the sofa. Cas stared up at him, confused, the dream still hanging in the room; Dean let go of his hands. „The bell", he said. „We should go back into the conference room."

Cas still didn´t feel connected to reality. „What – what are you doing here?", he asked, sitting up.

„I was looking for you", Dean said, as if that was the most natural thing for him to do. „And I found you sleeping."

Cas frowned. „So you just – you watched me sleep or what?"

Dean smiled in an enigmatic way, and shrugged. „I didn´t want to wake you...you looked exhausted. Well, you still do, to be honest."

„That´s creepy", Cas murmured. Dean shrugged again. It made him look much younger.

Cas sighed tiredly. „Dean...why do you want to meet today? Do you want to finish what you started?"

Dean looked up. „Finish -?" he looked confused. „No. No, I´d never...Castiel, you know I´m a member of a highly dangerous and efficient organisation. If I wanted to...`finish´ something, your body would be devoured by fish now, with no one the wiser."

Cas watched the other man with real interest. „So that´s how you usually dispose of bodies? Feed them to the fish?"
Dean´s face shut down. He didn´t answer. Cas waited for another minute, then he asked, „So?"

Dean sighed. „What you said the other day...". He shoved his hand through his hair, messing up the perfectly combed parting. „I believe you ...what you said about meeting a man who claims to be my brother. But I am sure you have been tricked, and that he is a con man. My brother is dead." He got to his feet. „I want to meet this man though. And I hoped that you could possibly arrange a meeting?"

Cas froze. „Wait – you think Sam´s a fraud? That he´s playing you? Didn´t you hear a word of what I told you when we met? Or were you so focused on beating me senseless that you missed the whole thing?" He was angry. Why didn´t the damn man SEE what was in front of his eyes?

Dean shook his head. He looked like a stubborn child all of a sudden, and if the whole topic hadn´t been so serious (life/death serious), Cas would have laughed out.

„If he is really my brother, and he can´t be, then he will have to bring proof. And if he isn´t..." His eyes glinted. The child was gone, and Cas found himself in front of the murderous mob member again.

„I can arrange a meeting", he said, jaw clenched. „But you have to promise something. You´ll have to swear by everything that´s dear to you."

Dean cocked his head. „I´m listening."

„You won´t touch Sam. You won´t harm him, OK? And you won´t give the order to kill him, or harm him in any way. I need your guarantee...your word."

Dean watched him, face immobile. Seconds ticked away. Then he looked away, out of the window. „I can´t give you that guarantee", he said, voice clipped.

„Then there will be no meeting", Cas said, and got up from the sofa."And if you plan on finding the man yourself, you can save your time. He is in ...a similar business than yours, and highly skilled, I hear. If he doesn´t want to be found, he won´t be."

That got Dean´s interest. „This man – he´s member of an organisation? Which one? And that´s proof enough it can´t be my brother. Sammy would never – Sammy was a smart, sweet kid, a little bookish maybe, and he had – he saw good things in everyone. Brought home hurt animals he found in the park, for crying out loud. He´d never ..."

„While it was your childhood wish to become a high-rise member of the Japanese mafia?", Cas asked angrily. „Sam lost everyone he loved, too, Dean, and he had no new so called `family´ to wash his brain and turn him into their prince. He´s become what he is in search of revenge, and of you, and if you could at least try to get through the fog those Yakuza crooks created in your brain, you´d see that!" He hadn´t even finished to talk when Dean slammed him against the wall, fist gripping his tie. Their noses were almost touching. Cold anger burned in his eyes. „No one talks about my family like that, not even you, Castiel, and God knows I´ve been lenient with you until now, but..." His grip around Cas´ tie tightened, constricting his airways. Cas felt the familiar twitch in his trousers, and with a part of his mind, the weirdly detached dispassionate one, he thought that it was sick to get turned on by it; but he was too angry to bother, and shoved the thoughts aside.

„Lenient?", he croaked, daring Dean with his eyes. „Go on, beat me again, or kill me, I don´t care, but you know what, Dean? It won´t change the fact that you are missing out the ONE possibility to set right the wrongs of your past, and punish those responsible for them! Not to mention get to know what´s left of your REAL family! But you´re so wrapped up in your ... perfect Yakuza world you just won´t see what´s in front of your eyes!" They panted in each other´s faces, eyes blazing. Dean came so close Cas half expected him to kiss, and I wouldn´t mind, as sick as this whole thing between us might be, he thought, but then Dean released his tie, and pushed Cas back against the wall.

„You are wrong", he said, emotion gone from his voice again. „You are the one who´s believing in fairy tales, Castiel." Is he – is that pity in his voice?, Cas wondered. He opened his mouth to protest, but Dean raised his hand to stop him.

„And if you were really sure about this – cheat´s – genuineness ...then why are you hesitating to give him the chance to prove himself to me? You´re deluded, Castiel, maybe this story with your childhood friend has clouded your judgement." He reached for Cas´ cheek, traced the bruised skin from his hairline down to the chin with a gentle finger. His voice was softer when he spoke again, and almost a little sad. „I still can´t figure out what you are gaining by all of this", he said. „Such fire burning for people you barely know..." Dean´s thumb caressed Cas´ lips, ghosted over the crack his fist had left there... „I almost wish I could keep you.", he added, the hunger back deep in his eyes.

And at that point, Cas had enough.

„You know what? I´m done", he spit out. „Sam can believe in you as much as he wants, and hope to find the big brother he loved and adored, but honestly? I think it would have been better if you´d been killed back then, so he could keep his good memory of you. ´Cause what he´ll find is just one big cold asshole of a mobster, with no mind of his own, just a – a puppet being played by its puppeteer, who takes its strings for the care of a family, and is happy to dance after someone else´s mind." He pushed a surprised Dean back violently, and straightened himself up. „And to ease your mind on that, too – I´m not gaining anything by helping Sam, if you don´t count bruises and an early death, and hell, one good fuck with just the man who´s probably going to off me because he´s too scared to even try to get out of his cage! Because that´s where you are, Dean – still in the cage your new `family´ has put you in, and we can open the cage door for you as wide as it goes, you´ll never get out, never! Because you want to stay inside and be handled like the good watchdog you are!"

OK, maybe I´ve gone too far now, Cas thought, when Dean´s body slammed into his, almost toppling them both over, jamming Cas´ back against the wall again. Dean´s face was inches away from Cas´, he couldn´t even see him clearly any more, but he got the cold fury he emanated anyway.

„Watch. Your. Mouth.", he pressed out between his clenched teeth, one hand on Cas´ throat, one in his hair. And, well, that was exactly what Cas did, he watched Dean´s full lips, as good as he could from that angle, watched them close in on him, and then he freed one arm, and grabbed Dean´s neck, and pushed him the last inch, finally meeting his lips, diving into his mouth with his tongue immediately. He felt Dean´s fingers clench in his hair, around his throat, but only for a moment; then both his hands were at the sides of Cas´ face, holding him, and both their tongues were dancing, twirling, claiming each other´s mouths.

Dean´s body was pressed against his, and yes, Cas felt him hot and hardening against his own groin, trousers already tightening around his swelling dick...this is so wrong, he thought, wrong, wrong wrong, but why does it feel so good, then? Never...never...that good...that free...

Dean let a moan turn into a suppressed whine, and stepped back. He still grabbed Cas´ face, and they were joined at the lips, but his warmth and the pressure were gone, and Cas moaned in protest...then Dean pulled away fully, and stared into Cas´eyes, his hands were warm and trembled slightly, and Cas put his own hands over them to keep him there before he could take them away, too. Dean leant forward until their fronts met. They stood like that, hot and sweaty and panting again, and Cas thought, how can this ever turn into something ...normal...it has started crazy, and it will end like that...either we´ll love each other, or we´ll be each other´s death. Or both, who knows, everything´s just turned over and whirling through the air, who can tell where all the parts of our lives will land?

„Cas", Dean whispered, and Cas could hear the desperation in his voice he´d seen in his face in the tea house. „I can´t...I can´t." Cas stroked Dean´s hands, then he raised his hands to Dean´s face, and cupped it. „Yes you can", he whispered back, angry voice gone. „You can at least try, Dean."

He felt the other man shiver. How can he live with this, Cas wondered, with these two parts of him that don´t fit together at all, he´s like two mismatched persons clamped together into one body.

Dean shook his head slowly. Their fronts rubbed against each other.

„I can´t...Cas, if I – if anything of what you told me is true...if they...if..." His breath faltered. „How can I live with the knowledge that I – that they..." His voice faded away.

„Dean." Cas thumbs caressed the perfect cheekbones, the bluish skin under his closed eyes.

„It is true. You´ll see that if you give me – give me and Sam the chance to show you. And there is only one way you´ll be able to live with...what happened since you were taken from your home." His fingers found the soft hair, stroking it back gently. How come I want to slam this man against something violently one minute and caress him like a ..like he´s a lost child, the other? Maybe I´m two-in-one, too. Maybe that´s why we´ve ended up together. Takes one to know one...

„You pay them back, Dean. We all will, Sam, and you, and me. Make them pay for every single day they kept you believing all this bullshit. We can bring them down for what they did, but...we need you on board, Dean, it won´t work without you, and it wouldn´t make any sense anyway. Sam came here to save you, but if you ...don´t want to be saved...he´ll fail. Heck, then he´s already lost, and we´re all dead. Well, there never was much chance to survive this, anyway."

Dean took Cas´ hands in his, and carefully put them down; he kept holding them, though, even when he stepped back a little. He studied Cas´ face, like he couldn´t make him out.

„You are...a mystery, Castiel Novak", he murmured. He looked calm now, but pensive, and let go of Cas´ hands. He fished a small silver comb out of his breast pocket, and combed back his tangled hair. He offered it to Cas then, eyebrows raised in a silent question; but Cas shook his head.

Dean put it back, straightened his shirt, and perfectly tailored sakko.

„Set up that meeting, please", he said calmly."You are right – it would be cowardly not to try." He looked at his watch, and raised his eyebrows again. „They´ll probably have sent a search group after us by now." He looked up. They both weren´t smiling.

„I´ll be at the tea house tonight at ...seven? If you can arrange it, come. If you can´t ...I´ll just wait for an hour, and be on my way then. We can try again...tomorrow." He went to the door, and turned back once more.

„Be sure not to be followed", he said, nodded a good bye, and opened the door.

„And, Cas -"

Cas felt something like a smile pull at the corners of his mouth. „I know – be careful."

Dean looked at him, green eyes bright, and left.

Cas tried to flatten down his hair, opened his tie and knotted it anew, and made an attempt on straightening his crumpled clothes.