She doesn't love you like I do

She doesn't have my name

However she tries to act like it

She'll never be the same

Does she

Make you feel wanted - like I did?

Make you feel like you're the one thing that matters?

You let her head rest - on your chest

But when you close your eyes

You'll be seeing my face again

I'll be crossing your mind

You'll be dreaming of places we went

And then you'll wake up to find

That she's not me

She's not me

She's not me

Remember

That she's not me

.: She's not me, Pt.1 – Zara Larsson

Garrus was happy and satisfied now when Shepard lay at his side. Her head was resting on his shoulder snoring lightly, and some of her red hair was tickling his nose, but he didn't mind. He put an arm around her, resting his hand in the curve of her smooth waist and stroking his thumb slightly back and forward. He wanted to stay like this forever…

Garrus came back to consciousness, but he didn't open his eyes. It was too bright in the room, and inside his head imaginary krogans tried to charge out of his skull. The hungover had him in a firm grip while he tried to put the pieces back from last night. He felt something heavy on his chest, and he opened one eye. Riiight…

Some glints of yesterday came back. In his bed lay one of the dumbest repeated decisions he had ever made – an asari prostitute who had cuddled up against his warm body, probably because of the cold temperature since he didn't have any blankets. His arm lay on her waist, just like in his dream. After his first dumb-drunk decision he swore to never do it again –that was six or seven times ago. Why did he never learn? Shame and guilt spread through his mind and body, because of someone who had been dead for more than a year. He tried to think that he didn't owe her anything, but it did no good. In his fucked up mind they were no longer best friends, but lovers. And that's why he kept doing this. It was the only way to reconnect with Shepard. The only time it felt real.

That first time…It was about six months ago. He was so deep in self-loathe and hatred, sitting in the Afterlife trying to ease the built-up tension with the strongest dextro-booze the Bartender had to offer. When he first came to Omega his purpose was noble. He would bring justice into a world of anarchy. It only took a couple of weeks before justice was replaced with vengeance, and for every kill he made he lost a piece of his innocence. Where battle had erased his tension it was now building instead. No matter how hard he tried to make a worthy fight of the killing, it was slowly strangling him. It was unbearable. Garrus watched the Asari dancers without interest. He knew what they did for a second living. It wasn't their fault, really. But he knew the dark truth behind it all.

A couple of hours later he stumbled out of the club. He'd never been this drunk before and this time the alcohol hadn't helped him. Not even a little. Right then it seemed like a very good idea to blow off some of the steam in him. He started to walk down the alley where he knew some of the dancers would be, waiting for someone like him. A sorry fellow who couldn't find anything else.

"Hi, honey! Want some company tonight?"

"Hey there, handsome!"

"Turian! Need to ease your tension?"

He didn't bother to answer them. He knew who he wanted for company this night. It was one of the younger dancers, still somewhat undestroyed and innocent. She was always smiling at him every time he came to Afterlife, and her eyes were laughing. She was young and beautiful. He went further down the alley and found her talking with a friend. She saw him coming and ended her conversation, waiting for him.

"Hey there, stranger. What makes you come down to this part of Omega? I thought you would've been knocked out by know, with all that booze." she smiled at him.

"I came for you" was his short answer.

"Oh! Ok. Didn't know you needed this kind of company."

He brought her to his den, and when they walked through the door he didn't know what to do.

"I…uhm.. never done this before…I mean…not like this"

She looked at him, understanding some of the problem.

"Hey there, big boy. Don't think too much. I'll take care of you tonight. I will make you forget"

She took is hand and pulled him towards the bed, and shoved him on to it. Slowly she climbed the bed and approached him on all four. Her touch made it clear to him that he wasn't her first turian. Garrus tried to enjoy her sweet, tickling touch while she straddled his waist. He closed his eyes and suddenly there were no asari dancer there, but a redheaded woman with fierce, green eyes smiling down at him. Reality and fantasy turned into one and he embraced this opportunity, cherishing the moment. He could finally tell her how much he missed her, how much he loved her, how much she meant for him. That everything would be alright now. He would make love to Shepard that night.

Garrus woke up a couple of hours later, in a limbo between drunk and hangover. He turned his head only to see a figure burrowed in his blankets. It was not Shepard. And everything came back to him. What the hell had he done? The pain he had tried to hide deep inside himself came back with so much force he stopped breathing for a time. He had fucked a prostitute, in an attemp to forget. Instead he remembered her far too well. He had fucked an illusion.

Ritikka woke up, and turned to face him. She saw the distress in his face.

"Who is she?"

"who?"

"Don't play stupid with me. I'm not blind, nor deaf."

"It doesn't matter. She belongs to the past. Please, go. I need to be alone."

Garrus turned his back on her. She got herself out of the bed and dressed up. One last look at him before she went out the door. Sweet emotional pain was filling Ritikkas mind. She knew the Turian wasn't the usual client, but she didn't know he would be so…broken. She would remember this night. The turian didn't fuck her, like all the others. He had made sweet love to her, even though she knew it wasn't to her. Not really. He had had an hallucination about a long lost lover. All the sweet words, that wasn't meant for her. But is was Ritikkas to keep. In this profession your heart would be broken sooner or later. At least she knew to whom she wold loose her heart. If he ever came back she would be there for him. But deep in her heart she knew that she was not HER. And would never be.