When you were her before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

.: Creep – Radiohead:.

Shepard took the opportunity to eat breakfast while she was on this deck. She saw Garrus walk to the main batteries. He had in no way been mean, but he had rejected her in a smart way to say say that he needed some time for himself. She could buy that, but the worry inside her couldn't disappear before they had put all the cards on the table. She could see his back where he stood at the control table, his hands moving cross the keyboard.

Even if she had feelings that were something more than just Best Friends, she wouldn't let them get in the way. She didn't even know what to do with them. He was a turian, she a human. Her thoughts about them hadn't went in any particular direction, except that he had become more important to her and that she cared a lot for him. Until Dr Chakwas stirred the pot with her information and disbeliefs about them only sparring.

Shepard had never been attracted to any of the other alien races and didn't even know if turians and humans were compatible in that way. Her mishap with the lip proved it wasn't easy, and another thing on her to-do-list to check: talk with Mordin and see if he could solve the problem with allergic reactions between the races. If any of her crewmates got hurt in the field she didn't want to be hindered by fear of getting an anaphylactic chock.

Shepard threw an eye in Garrus direction. He was actually pretty handsome for being a turian. Not that she had a lot to compare with. She definitely wasn't a krogan female, but his scars were kind of hot. She tore her eyes from him and decided to get some things done, and ate the washy porridge. Note for self: buy better rations next time they were ath the Citadel.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Garrus stood at the battery-controls and tried to get started with the calibrations, but it was hard when he knew she sat behind him and ate her breakfast. He had passed the limit, and had wounded her both physically and emotionally. It wasn't Shepards fault that all the feelings from the past two years came to the surface. Feelings she didn't know existed. He had been so unfair to her, and didn't know how he would make it better between them. That's why he had tried to buy himself some time, to find a good way to make amends. Calibrations: something that sounded very important, took a lot of time and no one knew exactly what it was.

He knew Shepard glanced his way now and then, he saw her in the reflections on the screen. She would give him time, he knew, and didn't close the door. It would have been to harsh. He felt bad for her broken lip, but he hadn't been ready for her to lower her guard while she talked to him. And to make it all so much better she got an allergy-reaction from his blood on her lips. The reactions was not good at all, but the thought about his blood on her lips made him warm in certain places.

In his fantasies from Omega it had never been a problem them being from different species. But now he was so fucking ashamed. He had used a young prostitute in his attempts to re-live memories that never had existed. Ritikka had fell in love wit him, and he used it to his egoistic advantage. Her suicide was a wake-up call, and he was left with the guilt.

How could he ever tell Shepard about these dark memories? That he was a creep without inhibitions, who was in love with an illusion? It was just as well if he tried to turn of his feelings for her, becasue he was frightened to be rejected, and relive the pain of loosing her again. And what would she want with him? He knew the humans rarely fraternized with the other races, they mostly kept to themselves. What did she see when she looked at him? Something weird, animalistic being with plates and talons? He was so different compared to her soft, beautiful apperance. He wished so hard for her to see him with the same eyes as as he saw her.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Hi Mordin. Am I interrupting?"

"No Shepard, Just running some tests. Can wait. What can I do for you?"

"Well, me and Garrus was sparring earlier today…"

"Ah, yes. Talked to Dr Chakwas. Heard about your allergy-reaction. Already working on antigene-shots for you. "

"Oh, ok. Is it possible to make antigene-shots for others too? I mean turians, asarians and you for example? This blood-contact is complicating things, and I don't want to be afraid of anaphylactic shock if I help a squad-mate on the field. "

"Understand your concern, Shepard. I will most definitely work something out. Speak with you when it's done. Will start immediately."

"Thanks Mordin. I appreciate your help."

Shepard left Mordin with his calculations and labtests and went for the armory instead, where she new Jacob would be. She didn't trust neither him nor Miranda, but Jacob was a bit nicer and she needed to improve their connections to know if she could trust them in combat. He stood at a lighted working bench and seemed to mod his weapon.

"Hi, Jacob. I hope I'm not disturbing?"

"Oh, Hi Commander. No, I'm just experimenting with some mods. Can I help you with something?

"Naaah, just wanted to talk a little. Getting to know my crew better."

"I know you don't trust Cerberus, or me and Miranda. At first I had difficulties with Cerberus too, regarding their history. But they are trying to do something about the Reaper threat, which you can't say about the Alliance or The Council. Both me and Miranda will do everything we can to make this mission a success. "

"Sounds good, but it will take more of you than just words to make me trust you. "

" I understand that, Commander. Actions speaks more than words. Will there be any missions soon?"

"It might be. I need to take a few hours reading through the assignments we've got and make plans. If you're lucky you might go with me."

"I would like that, Commander. "

"See you later, Taylor. "

She could feel his gaze on her when she left. Shepard hoped he was as good in combat as he was at staring at her body. When she came out to the CIC and headed for the elevator Yeoman Chambers halted her.

"Hey, Commander. You've got mail."

"Ok, thanks. I will read them in my cabin. " Shepard tried to make a move towards the elevator.

"I heard you and Garrus was sparring this morning. Apparentely it went hot, since both of you ended up in the medbay.

"Nothing serious, Yeoman. Just a friendly fight."

"Mhm? Did you know Turians spar when they need to blow off steam. Either that or…"

"Or what?"

"You know…sex." Chambers wiggled her eyebrowa.

"Chambers, do you know what? You know a lot about non-human cultures, being a Cerberus employee."

"Nothing wrong with that. I stand for the "human-first-ideology", but that doesn't hinder me from learning about the cultures of the other races. I am a psychologist, after all. And Garrus is a fine specimen for his race. I wouldn't have any problem helping him blow off some steam… "

"You are unprofessional, Chambers. Your job is to take care of the mental health of the crew, not sleeping with them. "

"You should read more about turians, Commander. It is in their nature to spar or have sex as a stress-releaser before combat. For them it is natural. Nothing to be upset about. But I will leave Garrus be…for now. "

Shepard took furious steps towards the elevator and pressed the button for her cabin. Who the hell did Chambers think she was? She was employed to be some kind of secretary and look after the crew. Not to sleep with them. Shepard realised she was jealous with Chambers. An unworhy feeling, especially since she and Garrus was just friends, barely. She didn't think Garrus would be interested in Chambers, but she was jealous at Chambers knowledge. Shepard didn't know much about Turians, except what she knew about Garrus. But that was individual, not cultural. Maybe she had to look things up at the extranet. After she'd checked her mails and went through the missions. Job first, pleasure later.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Miranda, I don't give a damn if you believe he would have been an asset to us. He was a wreck and couldn't have helped us right now. Tali ensured me that when he is better we will get all the information we need."

"Shepard, you have to loosen up your consciense sometimes. It doesn't always work to feel sorry about people, and neglect what's important. "

"Shut up, Miranda. Just because you're a coldhearted bitch it doesn't mean I have to dance to your tunes. I'm the Commander and decide how we roll this thing, not you. "

"Yeah, sure. " Miranda started to ignore her, and Shepard had to step out of Mirandas office like she was her subordinate. Bitch.

At lunchtime she had decided to go to Freedom's Progress since they were only two hours from there and she needed to leave the ship. The ground team consisted of her, Garrus and Taylor. She'd met Tali there, looking for a Quarian named Veetor. After some fighting with mechs they had found him, but his mental status was too bad for her to get any useful information. She had tried to persuade Tali to come with her, but she understood Tali had moved on and now ran errands for her own people. Understandable. She felt neglected nevertheless, but atleast Tali hadn't been angry with her. Only happy, after the shock had subsided.

Well within her cabin she undressed her armor and let it lay on the floor. She so needed a hot shower now and didn't care about the cleaning up. She had time for it tomorrow. If a certain turian knew she was about to neglect her armor he would reprouch her with his stare. She smiled for herself and headed for the shower.

Two hours later she was still awake in her bed. The situation with Garrus made her restless. Even if the mission today went pretty well, and everything had felt like old times, they still needed to talk. She was wondering if he was still awake. Maybe a message to his omnitool was best, if he actually was sleeping.

.:Still awake?:.

After one minute he answered.

.:Yeah:.

.:Can I come down?:.

One minute went, two minutes. Shit, this was a bad idea. What would he think? Surely he was thinking up how to say no without being an ass. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

.:Sure. Need something to drink?:.

Oh. He actually wanted her to come down, but he seemed reluctant.

.:Hot chocolate?:.

.:On it:.

She smiled. Maybe they would work this out after all. She jumped out of bed and put on her shorts, a tank top and a neutral marine blue sweater and headed for the elevator.