I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

.:Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol:.

Ok, hot chocolate was simple enough to make. Garrus went out to the empty mess hall. Most part of the crew was sleeping or was at their posts. He pushed the button for levo-chocolate and waited for the cup to be full. Mess Sergeant Gardner had a secret stash with good stuff, for special occasions. Garrus looked around before he opened a drawer where it wasn't supposed to be one. Something small and square slid into his pocket while he carried the cups back to the Main Battery.

When he received the first message on his omnitool he became nervous, and when she wanted to visti he didn't know what to say at first. In their earlier days it wouldn't worry him for them to be alone together, but it was a different thing now. He was afraid of what the crew would believe if she came down to him this late in the evening. Not that it would happen anything between them, but gossip spread fast. Well, they were adults, and they really needed to talk.

He missed their old conversations when he had tinkered with the Mako and Shepard had handed him the tools while talking about pirates, mercs and how idiotic the Council acted. Hopefully they could return to the same routines, maybe more even? Garrus didn't hope for too much, but as long as she still wanted to be friends he would be happy.

It would be hard for him to talk about the past two years, but Shepard deserved to know why he had snapped at her earlier this morning.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shepard pattered silently into the mess hall and saw the door to the Main battery was open. She couldn't see Garrus but started to walk towards the door.

"Garrus?"

"Yeah, I'm in here Shepard." She went past the control panel and further in. The lamps spread a warm, red glow from above. It sent a feeling of comfort and cozyness. At the back she found him, only dressed in his black pants, sitting on a wooden box. His bare carapace chest was really nice to look upon, and he was pretty muscular for being a turian. She wondered what it would feel like to lay her hand on his chest.

"See anything you like?" Garrus chuckled. She realised she had been staring.

"You know you look good, Vakarian. I'm taking a look while I still can. I'm sorry if I woke you up."

"You didn't. Calibrations, you know. Still have problems with your sleep?"

"Yeah, I couldn't come to rest and didn't know what to to. Some things never change I guess. That's why I wondered if I could come down, you know…like old times."

"You're always welcome, Shepard. You know that."

"Do I? It feels like everything is as before, but still not. I'm not sure where we stand anymore. "

"I know what you mean. I'm sorry for this morning. I crossed the line, and I didn't mean to. It's just that…"

"…it have been rough. I understand."

"Yeah."

"So…hot chocolate?" Shepard glanced at the steaming cups.

"Shit, I had totally forgot about them. Here, this one is yours."

"Thanks, Garrus." She sipped from her cup, perfectly hot.

"Eh, I brought something else as well. Here, I think you will appreciate it."

Shepard looked puzzled at the wrapped package he gave her.

"Open it." he said.

She carefully unwrapped it and widened her eyes.

"How did you get your talons on this? Doesn't it come from Gardner's secret stash?"

"Ah, so you know about it too?" He winked at her.

"Haha, you really are a turian bad-boy, Garrus. " Shepard took a bite from the dark chocolate bar and moaned silently when the chocolate melted on her tongue. It was a moan that surprised Garrus. Was chocolate really that good? He was happy he managed to make her moan, even if he preferred other ways of doing it. He looked away in an attempt to calm his nerves.

"So, if we're going to talk the talk I will not sit here on a hard box. Let's not make it more awkward than it is: a cleansing talk between friends. Ok? I take the liberty to use your hammock, because I haven't had the pleasure to enjoy one of those in years. Head to toes?" Shepard was nervous about her suggestion, but hoped Garrus would follow her lead.

"Yeah, sure. Just like old times, except now we don't have a Mako who'd been run down by you. "

"What do you mean, run down? I couldn't help that our beloved Mako wasn't equipped for rougher terrains. My driving skills are perfect, thank you very much!" She climbed into the hammock.

"Yeah yeah, keep live in denial." Garrus made himself comfortable in the other end.

"So…how did you end up on Omega?"

Garrus squirmed a little.

"Hey, I won't judge you. I'm listening, as a best friend is supposed to do." Shepard gave him a reassuring smile.

"Well, the night when you died I got a call from Liara, who told me what had happened. I couldn't really believe you were gone. I snapped. "

"And that's when you ripped asunder your apartment?"

"You knew about that?" Garrus flicked his mandibles in shame. "I didn't know what got into me. My memories from that night is vague."

Had he cared more about her than she knew? Shepard wanted to believe that.

"One of the first things I did when I got access to the new Normandy was to check up on you guys. I found information about everyones beings and doings for the last years, but your tracks ended with your apartment. I was worried, and didn't even know if you were alive. "

"Oh." Had she been looking for him? And he had believed she didn't care at all.

"So…what happened next?"

"Well, I took the first ride I could get to Omega. C-sec wasn't enough anymore, where justice was hindered by bureaucracy. In my simplicity I thought I could dispense justice on my own on Omega. But on Omega there is no justice, only revenge and hate. " Garrus silenced for a moment and seemed to be stuck in his thoughts. Shepard put a hand on his leg, as if to say I'ts ok, I'm here. He looked at her, and then turned aside with his gaze.

"A big part of me died on Omega, Shepard. I couldn't stop, even if I had wanted to. Big people had started to notice me and I had to watch my back. I tried to drench my sorrows in booze, which led to an addiction. I did very bad things, which I'm not proud of, but it happened anyway. One certain incident was a wake-up call, and that's when I tried to piece myself together again." He just couldn't tell her about Ritikka, it was too dark to tell.

Shepard felt so sorry for him, and felt inadequate for the moment. All she wanted to do was to hug him and tell him that it was all good now. Instead she stroke her thumb back and forward over the fabric, and was rewarded with a sad smile from Garrus.

"I tried to find like-minded souls for my team. We helped each other to plan and put through bigger raids against slave-dealers, pimps and black traders. As long as we kept ourselves on our edge Aria didn't care too much about us, you could say we did her a favor holding the different merc gangs in check. Even if I wasn't happy I had atleast found a new way of living, At the end we were ten men, and we had planned our last operation for weeks. But one of us betrayed the whole team, and we were surprised by Blue Suns. My people died under my command, and I didn't see it coming. I had a gut feeling, which I didn't listen to and when I realised something was wrong it was to late. All to late, and it was my fault. I'm the one to blame…"

Shepard heard the sadness and the panic in his voice, and low subharmonics resonated in his chest.

"I should have been with you Shepard, I should have had your six, then maybe we wouldn't have been here like this. I'm so damn sorry, Shepard!"

Garrus put his face in his hands, and a heartbreaking sound slipped from his lips. It sounded as if he was sobbing. Did he cry? Shepard felt the panic rising and didn't know what to do.

"EDI, close the door, please. No one can enter until I say so." No one should see him break down like this.

"Yes, Commander. "

Shepard crawled awkwardly, while trying to keep her balance, to Garrus and straddled him. She caressed his hands and talked to him.

"Shh, sshh. It wasn't your fault. No one could have seen this coming."

"But I…"

"But you nothing. You did what you could with what you had, not even I could have done anything else. " She moved his hands and took his face into her own, and caressed his mandibles carefully. She looked deeply into his beautiful blue eyes.

"It will be alright, Garrus. I'm here for you, always." Shepard lay down and rest herself on his upper body, with her face tuck in between his shoulder and throat. Garrus relaxed and let go of all the guilt and sorrow that had been built up inside him for these years. He lay his arms around her back and hugged her tightly in a desperate grip. Spirits, I love him, she thought.

They lay like that for a long time, embracing each other. After some time Garrus started to caress her lower back slowly. He placed one leg to the wall and made the hammock rock slowly back and forth. It was soothing for both of them. He felt the fragrance of her hair, it smelled good but he couldn't place the scent.

"The night you died, I woke up and heard you whisper my name."

"I did. When I was about to die I thought about all of you. On Kaidan, Liara and all the others. But your face was the last thing I saw. Your name was on the lips with my dying breath." A spike of emotions rushed through Garrus. Was there a chance she felt the same for him?

"Shepard" he mumbled into her hair. " Where do we stand? I know we were best friends once…"

"I think we both have crossed that line today, haven't we?" She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes.

"Yes…". He put a hand behind her head and rested his forehead to hers. She had never felt so intimate with anyone before. Eventually he broke the contact and looked her in the eyes.

"Shepard, I'm not good at this, but I will really try to work this out, I mean…if you want to. " She could hear the insecurity in his voice.

"I want to, Garrus. Let's take it slow."

"Slow sounds good."

Shepard made herself comfortable against his chest again, enjoying the heat radiating from his body. Garrus continued to rock the hammock.

"Can I stay?"

"I don't want you to leave." Shepard changed her position so she laid at his side instead of on him, with one leg crossing his waist, and an arm resting on his chest. He laid an arm around her waist and took her odd five-fingered hand in his.

With a drowsy voice she said "Never leave me, Vakarian. Promise me. "

"I promise, Shepard. I will always have your six. " He felt her relax in his arms, and within minutes he could hear on her breaths that she was sleeping. He was happy, and for the first time in two years he felt whole.