Chapter 11: The Tower
The next few months were difficult as Dorian settled into practicing his Necromancy skills more regularly. Every bandit or smuggler or criminal could just as easily have been a Venatori, and Dorian would be damned if he'd let them get the better of him. They'd already taken his best friend, and for that he was angry. They wouldn't take his country, too.
Guards never came to the Circle looking for an explanation, and Dorian suspected the First Enchanter had struck a deal with the captain of the guard. The man never said anything, though Dorian often ran into him when he returned in the wee hours after a night of practice. He just nodded in greeting and disappeared, leaving Dorian to go work through his conflicted emotions on his own.
He hated killing. But the tradeoff was that he was improving the quality of life in Vyrantium almost single-handedly. If magic taught anything it was that every action, every choice had a cost. What was he willing to pay?
He wasn't prepared for the fact that it actually got easier. After his first kills he'd spent the next day curled up in his bed staring at the walls and remembering the horrified expressions of his opponents, and still feeling like he could smell singed hair and charred flesh. The next time he vomited a few times on the way home. Then he was only dry heaving. And eventually he just thanked the Fade spirits and stole home to fall into a dead sleep. It was worrisome not to think about it, but then again, did those thieves and murderers and rapists think about the pain they caused, or how they made their world worse?
Perhaps the world had been out of balance for so long that to be putting it into balance felt wrong.
"Where do you go at night?" Relenus asked. "You just disappear." He sat down across from Dorian in the library. He had a lopsided grin on his face and he leaned over the table. "Do you frequent the brothel?"
Dorian tried not to blush. He'd found during his earlier stay here that the Vyrantium brothels did not cater to his tastes. "I told you. My father cut me off," he said with a shrug. "I suppose he was jealous that I'm more talented and far better looking. No, I have… things to do."
Relenus raised his eyebrow. "So mysterious. What sorts of things do you have to do?"
"Plan to take over the world with my good looks, charm, and talent alone," Dorian said, flashing a brilliant grin. "And when that fails, I can at least fall back on being a Necromancy tutor for the rest of my life."
Relenus laughed. "Aren't you in line for a seat in the Magisterium?" he asked. "Surely that's more exciting than tutoring death magic?"
Dorian furrowed his brow in thought. As far as he knew he hadn't been entirely disinherited, so a position as a Magister was still possible. "I don't know I even want to be a Magister," he confessed. He tapped his quill against his book. "The one positive side to it is that it puts me in a position to make a difference."
The other mage just shook his head. "You don't get it sometimes. Being a Magister is a good thing. You're guaranteed a seat in the Magisterium, and the only good thing you can see about it is you might be able to make a difference? What about the money? The power?"
"The Imperium is rotting from the inside out," Dorian said, "because of money and power."
"So is that what you're doing when you go out at night? Holding secret meetings for social justice crusaders?"
"No." Dorian rubbed his temples. He wished Relenus could understand his position, but to the other mage, Dorian just looked like a spoiled rich boy. He wished he could make him understand but he couldn't do it without scaring Relenus away. "I have to finish this paper," he said with a sigh. He focused intently on the parchment before him and scratched away with the quill, and finally Relenus shoved his chair back and left, muttering under his breath.
"Fasta vass," Dorian swore when Relenus was out of sight. He slammed the quill down. He wanted to go after Relenus, try to explain everything. But Relenus was slowly becoming his closest friend. He was no replacement for Felix, but no one ever would be. Dorian had alienated himself from his family and from most of Minrathous high society, no doubt. It was nice to have a close friend again. He'd just have to let Relenus stew for a bit.
He yawned. He was so tired after his long nights spent practicing, and early mornings spent keeping up appearances. He wasn't expected to be anywhere and the paper could wait; so he stacked up his books and asked the librarian to look after his things. He needed a nap.
But even a nap seemed out of the question. Dorian had barely closed his eyes when he recognized the shifting green lights of the Fade. He sighed and sat down on a tree stump. The Black City was always at the edge of his vision, and the green and violet mists swirled around him.
"You're not much happier in Vyrantium, are you."
Dorian looked up. "Dammit, Ophelia, I just wanted to take a nap," he snapped.
But it wasn't Ophelia; this one had appeared as a handsome young man with chestnut hair and deep green eyes, dressed in flowing black robes that appeared to be made of misty darkness. His lips curled in a teasing smile. "Ophelia is indisposed. Actually, I disposed of her. You're too ripe for the picking, and I like that."
He was handsome and grinning and Dorian had been wanting so badly for so long. The young man reached out and cupped Dorian's cheek in his hand; it was warm and substantial and Dorian closed his eyes and savored the gentle caress. "I can give you more than she ever could," he breathed into Dorian's ear. "Power. Money. Happiness." He drew closer with each word until he was straddling Dorian's lap. He sat down and Dorian put his arms around his waist. "Belonging," he whispered, touching his forehead to Dorian's.
Dorian wanted so badly to belong. But to belong… he had to ignore… something. Someone.
Himself.
He jumped up and pushed the demon away. "Stay away," he said, breathing hard. "Happiness. Belonging. Yes, I want both of those," he said. "More than anything, but they'll mean nothing if I am not myself. And I won't be myself so long as you possess me, demon," he spat.
"Why do you deny yourself?" the desire demon asked, pouting.
Dorian closed his eyes. "I don't deny myself," he said. "I know who I am and what I want."
"Then let me give you want you want!"
"I want to remain unpossessed, thank you," Dorian said. "Be gone."
The demon leveled a smoldering green gaze at him. "Since you asked so nicely, I'll do so. But this won't be our last meeting. Just so you know that I mean you no harm, I'll give you one gift with no strings attached."
"There are always strings," Dorian said.
"You really should get some rest. You're becoming irritable," the demon said. He waved his hand in front of Dorian's face. "Sleep, my lovely one," he said before disappearing.
Dorian fell into a black and dreamless sleep.
He woke slowly, as if climbing up out of a well. He felt heavy and wondered if he'd been drugged with magebane again. But someone was shaking him. He forced his eyes open and tried to focus his blurred vision. "Dor? Are you awake?" asked the worried voice.
Dor. The only person who called him that was Felix. But Felix was away, back in Minrathous, and he was… not in Minrathous. He focused on smooth whiskey-colored skin, dark, worried eyes, white teeth biting on a perfectly curving lip… Relenus. And with him was the First Enchanter. "Good morning," he said, sitting up and running his hand through his hair. He had no idea how he looked, and was rather embarrassed to have Relenus see him like this. "I thought I'd lie down for a nap," he explained.
"Dorian, you've been asleep for two days," the First Enchanter said worriedly. "Are you quite well?"
"I… wanted to take a nap," Dorian repeated, furrowing his brow in thought. "I guess… I must be tired from… from practicing," he said, careful to avoid Relenus's gaze. "The late nights and early mornings are catching up with me, it would seem." He gave a crooked smile. "Perhaps we might chat later, though," he said to the First Enchanter. "For now, I think I'd like some breakfast."
He assured Relenus that he was quite well and would meet up with him later on. He kept smiling, but inside he was a storm of worry. The demon had given him the rest he needed, but nothing came without a price. Also, he hated having Relenus see him like this, and he hated wanting Relenus to see him like this, and imagining the comfort the other man might provide if only… if only.
Dorian washed and dressed and then headed to the First Enchanter's offices without stopping for any food. His concern made him too nauseous to eat.
"The demons are quite busy of late," the First Enchanter confirmed when Dorian explained his issues. "There are whispers of things out in the Free Marches. The Grey Wardens have been concerned, and Kirkwall has been tearing itself apart since the Qunari uprising. We're standing on a precipice," he said.
"Even here in Tevinter?" Dorian asked.
"Especially in Tevinter. The Imperium would like to believe it is isolated from the cares and concerns of the south, but what happens to mages there will affect mages everywhere," he said. "They may look to us to learn how to set up a magocracy, and what will they see?"
Dorian chuckled. "A lot of pretty people who can't do a damned thing for themselves without slaves and magic?"
The First Enchanter laughed loudly. "So young to be so cynical. Though I suppose you have more reasons than most," he said, and Dorian felt the blood pool in his feet. "Your father's methods are harsh. But you are resilient, yet. Don't let him break you."
"It would give him too much satisfaction," Dorian managed to say, relieved that his secret was still safe. "Perhaps that is why I've been so plagued by a desire demon," he said. "I've wanted him to accept me so badly for so long. And now I've been so tired that I'm vulnerable." It was mostly the truth, and as good a place to work from as any.
The First Enchanter leaned back in his chair and tapped his fingertips on the armrest. "Did you know that in the southern Circles they don't teach their mages to confront demons?" he asked. Dorian shrugged. "They put their apprentices through something they call a Harrowing. The name is quite apt," he said with a slight sneer. "A mage is sent into the Fade alone to confront a demon, untrained and unsupervised, while encircled by templars ready to kill the mage if he or she fails in the confrontation."
Dorian shuddered. "That's… it's not fair," he said at last. "The first time I went into the Fade I met a demon. We chatted and ate grapes before he tried to possess me. I said no and walked away."
"But what if you'd said yes?"
"I wouldn't have, because I knew it was a demon in the Fade. I'd been taught to handle it."
The First Enchanter stared Dorian down. "I think you may need to handle this."
"How?" Dorian asked, frustrated. He'd been trying to handle it most of his life. "What, go into the Fade and kill the thing on its plain of existence?" He'd thrown out the suggestion on a lark, but didn't expect the First Enchanter to be staring at him expectantly. He laughed, but he was truly nervous. He'd learned to deal with demons, not destroy them. But if it would stop them from trying to possess him… maybe it was worth a try. He sighed. "I'll do it," he said simply.
"Good." The First Enchanter brought him to the antechamber with the lyrium basin. Unlike Alexius's lyrium den, this room was small and comfortable and Dorian felt at ease. "I will not follow you, but I will be here if I am needed."
"What, no sword of mercy through my heart if I'm possessed?" Dorian asked with a nervous laugh.
"No. Because you won't be possessed."
Dorian took a deep breath, a dose of lyrium, and lay back on a chaise. He thought it might take some time to slip into the Fade after his long sleep, but the denizens of the in-between were waiting for him. It only took a moment for his desire demon to appear. "Did you sleep well, love?" he asked immediately, lips curling into a smile. His eyes were deep green, as mysterious and endless as the Fade itself.
"I did, no thanks to you," Dorian said. "I wish I could say I appreciated it, but I don't."
He pouted. "All I did was give you what you wanted."
Dorian shook his head. "No. What I want… what I desire, is for you to leave me alone." Here in the Fade the magic was all around him and he didn't have to reach inside, but rather to the air in front of him. His palm glowed white-purple with electricity. "Leave me. For good."
The handsome young man's green eyes began to glow. His black robes swirled about him like a storm, and his face contorted as if Dorian's words pained him. He reached out with long arms, and Dorian fired the lightning at him. There were voices in his mind: his father; Felix; Relenus; Alexius. People Dorian had wanted love and acceptance from. People for whom he'd give anything, even himself…
But then there was the First Enchanter, who'd never asked him to be anyone or anything other than Dorian. He was there, somewhere in the Fade, not fighting beside or for Dorian, but letting Dorian know he was there.
Dorian drew on all his mana reserves and pulled the lyrium through his body and let it all flow into his hands. A tight ball of condensed electricity glowed in his cupped palms. He glowered at the demon and smiled. "I'm done asking," he said. "You will leave me." He pushed out and the ball of lightning slammed into the demon. The demon screamed and writhed and Dorian reached for the spirits that attended to him. They floated out of his peripheral vision and swarmed upon the crackling demon and he turned away and headed back toward consciousness.
He opened his eyes. He was staring at the dark wood panels in the First Enchanter's den. His hand glowed a faint blue where he'd dipped it into the lyrium. He was alone, but he felt light and relaxed. He'd faced down his demon and won—for now. He got to his feet; he didn't have the same off balance feelings he'd had of late, and he felt like he could even see more clearly.
Dorian looked around, but the First Enchanter was not in his office. He headed out into the hallway where mages of the Circle were cheering and laughing and hustling to and fro.
"Dorian! Did you hear?" Relenus nearly knocked him over, and grabbed him by the shoulders to steady him. His dark eyes were sparkling and his lips curved in an excited smile.
"I've been in the Fade," Dorian said, looking around at the excitement and painfully aware of Relenus's warm hands on his shoulders. "What's happened? Did we beat the Qunari finally?"
Relenus shook his head, his mop of glossy dark hair flopping onto his forehead. "No, but almost as good. A messenger came from Kirkwall an hour ago. An apostate blew up the Chantry there. With their Grand Cleric inside."
Dorian furrowed his brow. "How is blowing up a building and killing a cleric a good thing, again?" he asked.
Relenus's smile faltered. "Don't you see? The southern mages will have to rebel now. This is the start of something big for mages all over."
Dorian thought about his father, trying to hold onto him so tightly all he was doing was driving him away, driving him toward self-discovery and the freedom to just be himself, and how close he was getting to that. He dared to glance up into Relenus's eyes. "I see. Sometimes, rebellion isn't only good. It's necessary."
Author's Note: Thank you Karebear, Apollo Wings, theycallmepeter, mille libre, FenZev and Melysande for the reviews! And thanks so much to follower Hauraunah for the excellent Dorian conversations! I'm excited, my Dorian lithograph is nearly here, and my Magician tarot card t-shirt shipped out the other day, so I can represent! Ah, two days of work next week, and then vacation! I'll be starting my "research" play through of Inquisition: replaying the game as Theo, to research what plot points and characters to include, and also to get Dorian's dialogue and such. Oh darn, the things I do for art! ;) Thanks everyone! I appreciate it so much!