The next month brought a lot of tears and discussions and words like "future," "disappointment," and "responsibility." Her parents came around after a week or two and while they weren't overjoyed with the timing, they were happy to be grandparents again. Her brothers on the other hand, were not quite as enthusiastic. At first they'd wanted to kill Josh for not being there for her and the baby, but then they'd moved on to sheer disappointment in their baby sister. They couldn't understand why she wasn't going the adoption route and while she knew they would welcome this baby with open arms, she wasn't sure they would ever be as close to her as they once had been.

The loss of that was evident now as she sat in the waiting room of the doctor's office, alone. It shouldn't be like this. Firstly, Josh should be here. Not for her, he didn't need to support her. But he should want to know about his baby, should at least be wondering if it was a boy or a girl, should be looking forward to meeting his child. As it stood, he ignored all her phone calls, avoided her when they happened to cross paths, and basically stuck to his word that he wanted nothing to do with this whole "thing." A few mutual friends had mentioned to her that Josh was denying he was even the father. At first that had hurt deeply, making her question herself and what she looked like to everyone else. But she'd started coming around to the idea of being a single mother, absolutely. This way she didn't have to share. She didn't have to make decisions with anyone else. She didn't have to worry about visitation or the drama that comes with all those things. She could just concentrate on being a mom.

The whomp-whomp of the heartbeat was familiar now, she'd heard it a few times on ultrasounds and she'd held a stethoscope up to her belly a few times too, but it never got old. The black and white blob on the screen made her smile and it was a long time of measurements before the technician was ready to reveal exactly what was in there.

"So do you have names picked out yet?" she asked, moving the wand into a better position.

"Garrett Dale for a boy, and Ruby Elizabeth for a girl. Or Violet. Or maybe Morgan. Or maybe I'll change my mind seven more times."

"Well do you want to know what name you're usin'?"

"Yes please."

"It looks like you're going to have a little Ruby or Violet or Morgan or something else."

"Really? I was hoping it would be a girl. We've got too many boys in our family."

"Are you excited?"

"Getting there. Mostly nervous."

"About delivery or what comes after?"

"After. I haven't thought about delivery yet and I think I'll put that off for a while longer."

"Just make sure you think about it soon. You should start signing up for birthing classes."

"Pregnancy isn't very dignified is it?"

"In most instances, no."

Lindsay chuckled and sat up, fixing her shirt while the pictures printed out for her.

"There you go, one half cooked little girl, just for you."

"Thanks."

"Good luck with everything."

Lindsay nodded and slipped into her coat before heading out of the office and to her car. School was out for winter break and she had the day off from work, so she was free to spend the rest of the day picking out baby girl clothes and letting the reality of how much money this was going to cost hit her. Grabbing her phone she dialed her grandmas number waiting for a few minutes until she picked up.

"Hello sweetie, how was your appointment?"

"It was good. Everything's normal and in the right spot."

"Oh good."

"Do you want to go shopping with me? Not for very long, I just want to buy one outfit."

"Absolutely."

"I'll come pick you up in fifteen minutes."

"I'll be waiting."

She hung up the phone and looked at herself in the rearview mirror. Life was changing so fast that she could hardly keep up and she wondered if it would ever slow down again.

"So how long until you'll be here?" Lindsay asked, pacing across the kitchen and cracking her toes against the floor.

"About three hours hon."

"I hate flight delays, you know?"

"I know. Do you want to meet us at the airport or at Freddie's?"

"I don't know. Are you sure you and mom want to stay with Freddie? There's not a ton of room here but I'd still like to have you stay."

"No thanks honey. You girls need a night in your new place together. Your mom and I will meet you in the morning and we'll go the tourist thing if you still want to."

"Okay."

"We're getting on the plane hon. I'll call you as soon as we land."

"I love you daddy."

"I love you too."

She ended the call and set the phone on the counter for a moment, before picking it up and putting it on the coffee table in the living room instead, then coming into the kitchen to wipe down the counter one more time. She wanted everything to be perfect, needed it to be perfect; not for anyone else but for herself, because she was still having horrible doubts that this wasn't going to work.

The same thoughts had surfaced while she was pregnant, worries about failing and losing all her support, dwelling on the fact that it wasn't just her anymore, she had a mouth to feed, a child to raise, a life to live. The weight of it had been so much at that point that she forced herself to ignore it, and she'd kept ignoring it right until this day. She'd always just said that failure wasn't an option, but yet here she was figuring that failure was the only outcome.

She was nauseous from the thought of it and she wrapped her arms around herself, leaning forward and breathing deeply. There was no reason to be this scared, really. She'd been a mother for so long, she had it down, she had a plan. But to do it alone, without her family for support was really starting to scare her. They'd been there for her despite their initial misgivings and there was no way she could have raised her daughter without them. And now they were going to be all the way across the country and she would have no one to fall back on.

Her phone rang and she looked at the screen, wondering for a moment if she was in any shape to answer, but deciding this would be a good distraction.

"Hey Adam. What's up?"

"I was going to the arcade, I thought you might want to go, prove your Frogger prowess."

"Um, maybe, when are you going?"

"Right now. I'm not staying very long."

"I've got some time to kill, I'll meet you there."

"Sweet. I'll be there in about ten minutes."

"Okay, sounds good."

They hung up and she pulled her shoes on, glad she'd answered the phone. Adam had a way of making her forget worries, and making her laugh instead. It was nice to have someone that she could possibly count as a friend, even if they were just co-workers as it stood now.

Making sure she had her phone, keys, and a stack of quarters, she headed outside and down the street, breathing in the early autumn air. She had a car, but she'd barely driven it, finding more satisfaction in walking. Of course, once she had to run to school and daycare and work in a smaller time frame, she was going to have to start driving and finding back ways to get places. She had a feeling she was going to be crunched for time a lot.

"Hey, I grabbed us a machine," Adam said as she stepped into the arcade. They'd ended up here a few times after work, de-stressing over old video games. Adam was a lot more competitive than she'd originally thought and the feeling of satisfaction she got when she beat him was better than beating anyone else.
"I've got quarters enough for a while if I want clean clothes later in the week."

"Quarters are like the precious elixir of survival."

"You're not dramatic at all."

He chuckled and led her over to the Frogger machine and put a quarter in, then stepping back to let her have the first turn.

"Let me show you how this is done, Bilbo."

"Baggins?"

"Sure."

"Why?"

"I dunno."

He chuckled and watched her play for a moment, shaking her head and telling her she was doing it wrong, and basically trying to psych her out. It wasn't working.

"So who taught you to be the queen of Frogger?"

"My brothers. They're a lot older and didn't exactly love that they had to take care of me all summer, so the arcade became my babysitter. We'd spend hours there every day. I earned an ice-cream sundae for every high score I beat. That was also the summer of my very first cavity, come to think of it."

He chuckled as she beat the level and handed the game over to him.

"How many brothers?"

"Three. Big burly ones."

"Slightly protective of their baby sister?"

"A lot. Though they're not shy about telling me all the things I do wrong."

"That's kind of what big brothers are for."

"They spend more time giving me swirlies and wet willies than they do in judgment so I guess it's okay."

"Big brothers have to keep the underlings in their place."

"You're an older brother aren't you?"

"Yeah. My brother Jeremy's ten years younger than me, so by the time he was old enough to get picked on, I was kind of over that stage, but that didn't stop me from giving him a hard time once he was a little older."

"I'm sure he loved that."

"Well he doesn't hate me so he must not have minded."

They continued to play for a while, trading off games until they were both out of quarters. Lindsay checked her watch and saw that it was getting close to the three hour mark and her dad would probably be calling soon.

"Want to go grab a pizza?" Adam asked, cracking his knuckles.

"I would but I gotta go."

"Big plans?"

"My parents are flying in, they should be here soon. They're bringing my daughter and I haven't seen her since I moved here, so yeah, kind of big plans."

"I didn't know you had a kid."

"Yeah. She's five. She's been staying with my parents while I got settled, but now it's going to be just us. Kinda scary."

"I take it her dad isn't around much?"

"Or ever. He bailed pretty much immediately."

"Awesome dude."

"Yeah, I think so too. I should go, but thanks for being such a sucky Frogger player."

"This ain't over yet, Monroe."

"Holding you to that, Ross."

The drive to her uncle's house seemed to take years and she probably cursed out every other driver for going too slowly. She knew that an extra few minutes were nothing in the grand scheme of things but she really didn't want to waste much more time without her daughter.

She pulled into the driveway and shut the car off, glad they'd decided to meet here instead of at the airport. It would have been crowded and noisy and she wasn't much in the mood for dealing with the general population right now.

The screen door slammed shut behind her and before she could even greet her parents or her uncle, a tiny set of feet pounded down the stairs.

"Mama! Oh my lord!"

Lindsay laughed and knelt down to catch her daughter in her arms, holding her tighter than she'd ever held her before.

"Oh baby I missed you so much. Can I just hold you forever and ever and ever?"

"Yes! I missed you so much too! And I've grown. Grama had to get me new shoes because my feet are so long!"

"Let me look at you, sweetie girl."

"I'm still pretty, mama."

Lindsay chuckled and looked at her little girl, the deep, dark eyes, the coffee colored hair, the summer freckles still going strong across her nose. Just as she'd left her and yet somehow more grown up.

"I want to see our new place," she started, rubbing at her eyes. "Can we go there now?"

"In a while. I haven't even said hi to grandma and grandpa."

"I just wanna be with you all day long."

"We still have the rest of forever."

"Okay. Hug me bigger."

"Oh honey, I love you so, so much."

"Me too. Can we go be polite for just a little while and then finally can you show me our new place?"

"Okay, for just a little while. Maybe through dinner?"

"Well okay. I'm real tired. Can I sleep with you tonight?"

"Anything you want, Levi."

"Could we have popcorn?"

"Probably."

"And a dance party?"

"Sure."

"I love that we are back together."

"Me too. I've missed you way, way too much. So much that I could feel it from my heart all the way down to my pinkie toe."

"Mama you are so very silly."

"I know. C'mere and let me smooch ya some more."

"More? Okay. I will smooch you back!"

They didn't stay very much longer, both were too anxious to get home and be together like normal. Lindsay was so happy to have her little girl with her again that she could hardly buckle their seatbelts.

"Hey mama, where are the farms?"

"Remember how we talked about New York being a city and not having farms in it?"

"But where do they get their milk? And wheat for bread and eggs and stuff?"

"Mostly at the grocery store."

"Hmm. And what about the mountains? I don't see no mountains."

"Any mountains. They're far, far away from the city."

"I'm not sure about this. Where is the beautifulness?"

"We'll find it. One morning we will wake up really early, and we'll go watch the sunrise and I'll show you the beautifulness."

"Okay. What is our new place like? Is it big?"

"No, it's about the same size as our old one."

"Does it have a fireplace like what I asked for?"

"No, but it has a mailbox that you open with a key."

"Oh goody! What about my room? What does it look like?"

"You're going to have to wait and see. It's a surprise."

"And can we get a kitty? Mama, you said, you promised me that we could get another one!"

"We're going to have to wait and see. Let's get all settled with life and then we'll think about a kitty."

"Maybe at Christmas time?"

"Okay, we'll make a decision at Christmas time."

"Cool. Mama, what's my school like?"

"We'll go there on Monday so you can see it."

"What's today?"

"Saturday."

"What will we do tomorrow?"

"We're going to spend the day with grandma and grandpa."

There was silence from the back seat and Lindsay peeked into the rearview mirror, wondering if the quiet was borne of contemplation or unhappiness.

"What's the matter, turkey leg?"

"I just…mama, I wanted just you. I love grama and grampa, but I miss you so, so much! We're a team, you and me."

"I know that baby," Lindsay soothed, glancing in the mirror again, finding those dark brown eyes swimming with tears. "Why don't we spend the morning together and we can meet up with grandma and grandpa for lunch. Would that be a good compromise?"

"Yes."

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

"Mama, Uncle Jake says that you will work and I will go to school and daycare. But I don't want to do that! Daycare is scary!"

"I know you feel scared about it honey. But it will be okay. We'll talk about it some more later, okay?"

"I just missed you so much," Levi hiccupped. "And you will work lots and I will be with someone else and I won't see you. And you're my favorite, mama!"

Lindsay sighed and switched lanes quickly before answering.

"You're my favorite too honey. And if I could spend all day long with you, I would do that. But remember how we talked about this being an adventure, and adventures being tough sometimes?"

"And cowgirls don't cry."

"That's right. Cowgirls team up and get through it. Are you gonna be my partner, baby?"

"Yes mama, forever and always!"

"Okay. Thank you. I can't do this without you and it means a lot that you'll help me."

"I will be real brave and I'll try new things like daycare."

"And we'll have whole weekends together, just you and me. Does that sound good?"

"It sounds beautiful."

"I promise honey, no matter what happens, at least we'll be together."

"Okay, I feel better. And my legs feel like they want to kick really fast from being excited!"

"Now that's what I like to hear."

"Know what I like to hear mama? Know what?"

"What do you like to hear, Levi?"

"Time for ice-cream!"

After running around the apartment three times, checking all the cupboards to evaluate the food situation and jumping on both beds and the couch for fifteen minutes, Lindsay finally coaxed her daughter down from her excitement and into a warm bath. She was running on fumes, what with the time difference, jet lag, and the emotions of the day and she needed a lot of time to calm down or she would never sleep.

"Mama?" she asked softly as Lindsay washed her hair.

"Yeah?"

"Will I have friends?"

"I'm sure you will."

"How 'bout you? You got friends? Like at home how you have Audrey?"

"I don't know if there will ever be another Audrey. I don't think anyone else would do the chicken dance just to make you laugh. But yeah, I have some friends at work. Does that count?"

"Well… okay I guess. Gonna rinse me now?"

"Lean back. Niagara Falls!"

Levi shivered then reached up to scrub at her eyes.

"Ow it stings!"

"Well you didn't stay leaned back long enough baby. Here, wipe your eyes."

"Whew. I forgot how you do this. Grama does it different."

"Does she do it better?"

"I don't know."

"Okay, let's get you dried off and dressed."

Levi nodded and yawned.

"Will you do my hair in Laura braids?"

"Sure," Lindsay agreed, leading her into the smaller bedroom. "Pick out some jammies and I'll get your brush."

Levi opened a dresser drawer and absentmindedly tugged at her ear while she searched for just the right nightgown. She settled on a blue one, pulling it over her head as Lindsay came back into the room with a brush.

"I need to look at this," Levi said, pulling out the child style, laminated map of New York City that she had looked at so many times. "About where- ouch, a tangle!"

"Sorry baby. It's all out now. What were you asking?"

"About where do we live?"

"Right there. About."

"Hmm. And about where do you work?"

"Right there," Lindsay replied again, starting one braid, finding her hands a little out of practice. She struggled with keeping the braid nice and neat, but figured that no one was going to see it anyway.

"So if you are there all day… where will I be?"

"Oh honey, it won't be far."

"I'm just scared!"

"I know. I'm scared too. But when the day ends, you and I will be together. I will always, always come back for you and I will always want you with me."

"I know."

"Baby, you are growing up so fast, and you have so many new adventures coming up. You get to start kindergarten soon! That's a huge step in growing up. And going to daycare and making new friends might be scary, but think about all the different kinds of people you'll meet. You'll meet people here that you would never have met in Montana. Your life is going to be so much richer, honey. Believe me."

"I believe you mama. You don't lie."

"Are you ready for our adventure?"

"Yes mama, I am."

"That's my girl. Now, let's get you all snuggled down in your bed, nice and warm."

"I never had my own room before," Levi mused with a sigh as she squished her pillow into a comfortable position. "This feels strange."

"It's another part of growing up. You didn't want to share with me forever, did you?"

"Maybe a little. I love this room really a lot. But if I have a bad dream, could I come and sleep in your bed?"

"Sure. Ready to say your prayers?"

"Yes. Dear God, thank you for my beautiful mama that loves me, and for grama and grampa who take care of me, and for the rest of the family too. Thank you for food and clothes. Please help me save my pennies to help the hungry people, and keep the soldiers safe. And thank you for the elk in the woods. Amen."

"Goodnight baby girl. I love you."

"I love you too, mama."

"Sleep good."

Lindsay sat by the bed a little longer than she intended, staring at her daughter, watching the rise and fall of her chest, vowing that no matter how much they had to be apart, every day she would take time for these quiet moments.

Everything was too much. Being pregnant and finishing her sophomore year of college while preparing to be a single mother was hard enough. Being told to take it easy, to not leave town and to stay in bed as much as possible because she was already having labor pains was frustrating. She didn't know how much more she could take, and she knew that the stress wasn't healthy.

Her grandmother's passing had been very sudden and unexpected. One day she was there and the next day she wasn't. Lindsay stayed in bed for two days, crying and wishing for her grandmother back, wishing that harder than she'd ever wished for anything in her life. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that her beloved grandmother was gone, forever. It took her that long to realize that now she wouldn't have any help with the baby either. She didn't know what she was going to do.

She managed to get back to school for a few days to take her finals and even though she didn't feel like she could make it, she attended the memorial service as well. The graveside service would be taking place the next afternoon in Glasgow, almost seven hours away. Her doctor had advised her not to go because she could go into labor at any moment and it wasn't a good idea for her to be so far from the hospital.

It was wise advice because around noon on the day of the service, while everyone in her family was so far away, she went into intense labor. She drove herself to the hospital, stubbornly and by the time she made it there she had already progressed far enough that even if her parents drove straight through and made excellent time, there was no way they would be here for the birth. She thought about calling Audrey, but she was working about an hour away at a boy scout camp and would more than likely not be able to get away. It looked like she was going to do this all on her own.

Everything over the last few weeks was sinking in on her and it felt like she couldn't breathe. The contractions were awful and she couldn't concentrate on her breathing and she felt like she was failing horribly at this. She needed support now more than ever, and she was more alone than she ever had been.

She was only at the hospital for five hours before it was time to push and then it was only twenty more minutes before her daughter was born. The whole world seemed to stop as the tiny wailing baby was placed onto her chest and she felt a wave of motherness that she hadn't felt before.

"Hi honey," she squeaked, not even able to take in the tiny details as she met her daughter for the first time. "I'm so glad you're here."

She breathed in deeply as the baby was taken from her and quickly bathed and swaddled.

"There, much sweeter now," the nurse said, helping her to sit up a little. "Does she have a name?"

"She did. I think I changed my mind."

"Oh really?"

"What I had picked out really doesn't seem right anymore. I think I'm going to name her after my grandma. Levitica Jane."

"I've never heard that name before. It's cute."

"Levi for short I think. Yeah, do you like that, honey?"

"I think she's down with it."

Lindsay chuckled and looked at her daughter closer, taking in every delicate feature, every inch of soft skin and the idea of her entirely, two people belonging solely to each other. They were a unit now, just as they always had been, but it was so much more real now.

"Did you want to call your parents again?"

"Yeah. In a few minutes."

"What about the father?"

"No, he asked me not to."

The nurse clucked her tongue in disapproval and patted Lindsay's hand gently.

"Well his loss then. Can I get you anything to eat?"

"I don't know. I just… is it normal to feel like nothing else matters? Laying here all exposed and disgusting really doesn't bother me."

"I think that's the general consensus of new mommies. I'll let you two get to know each other, and I'll be right over here if you need anything okay?"

"Thank you."

The nurse moved quietly away and Lindsay glanced at the clock, seeing that the first hour of her daughter's life had already gone so fast and she'd barely noticed the passage of time.

"Oh sweetheart, this is going to be quite the adventure."

Levi didn't stir, just kept right on sleeping, content and happy where she was.

"I will do anything for you, darling. Anything. I love you."