Apparently being told to put a coat on was the worst possible thing that could have happened to Levi in the morning, judging by her vehement protests against the order. She whined, she cried, she tried to hide the coat and she even threw a tantrum, kicking her feet against her bed when Lindsay finally fought her into the coat.
"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" she wailed, pulling at the sleeves. "It feels funny on my arms!"
"What feels funny about it?" Lindsay asked, slumping to the floor, exhausted from the fight.
"It sticks to my skin and I hate it so!"
"I'm sorry but it's the only coat you have and it's freezing outside."
"I want my old coat!"
"It's too small. We gave it away."
Levi burst into fresh tears, climbing into Lindsay's lap and cuddling close.
"I hate this place," she confessed. "I wish we never came here. It's so hard. I am sad and you are lonely. I want to go home!"
"Levi, we are home."
"But it's not happy!"
"Okay, let's take your coat off so we can talk about this."
Levi obeyed, wiping her eyes and tossing her coat across the room.
"I know you're sad, Levi. I know that you miss Montana and you miss grandma and grandpa and the rest of the family. I do too. I miss them more than you know."
"Then why don't we move back home?"
"Honey, think of all the things we get to do here that we don't get to do in Montana. We can go to the beach whenever we want to. We can go to the zoo, you've met a bunch of new people that you would never know in Montana. There will always be things that you miss, and that's okay."
"It doesn't feel like Christmas time."
"I know."
"I want to go see Christmas lights. And some reindeer! Can we do that here?"
"I'll find out."
"I really miss grandma and grandpa."
"I know. So do I."
"Are you lonely, mama? You seem lonely to me. Remember how you used to smile so, so much? We used to play more and now you are tired."
"Do you want me to be honest with you?"
"Yes."
"Being a mom is hard work," she started, resting her forehead against her daughters. "And that's not because you're a bad kid. Because you're not bad, you are the best kid in the world. But it's still a lot of work because I worry about you and if you're happy and if I can get you things you need. And I worry about you not having a dad and I hope you're learning and growing the way that you should be. And it's hard to worry about that all by myself. And I didn't realize how much grandma and grandpa helped me with that. A lot of times I wish that I had someone beside me, who loved me and you and would help me with all that stuff. Sometimes it would be nice if there was someone for me to talk to after you went to bed. And maybe someday I will find that person. But no matter how lonely I am or how hard some things are, I know that here is where we need to be."
Levi sniffled and blinked a few times, knowing Lindsay was right, but having a hard time making her heart see that.
"Sweetheart, we'll be alright. We'll always be together."
"Okay."
"I could lose everything in this world, but as long as I still had you, my life would be wonderful."
"I'm sorry I got upset mama."
"It's alright. I want you to always tell me how you feel, even if you think I might not like it. Okay?"
Levi nodded and curled into Lindsay's arms.
"This day isn't off to a good start."
"No it's not. Should we turn it around?"
Levi giggled and nodded enthusiastically as they got up off the floor and went out to the living room. There wasn't a lot of time, but they could make a quick turn-around before they would be late. Levi turned the music on and began to dance around the room happily, spinning in circles to the old song that they always used for rough mornings.
"Today we can't go back to Montana," she said after a moment. "So today will be a good day in New York instead. And when bad feelings are ruining my day, I will tell them to stop!"
"That's my girl."
"And how will you have a good day?"
"I will remember that after work I get to come home and spend the evening with my favorite person in the whole world."
"Now we need to have a breather. Lay down on the floor."
Lindsay chuckled to herself and obeyed.
"Breathe in and out real slow until your day has started all over. Feel better mama? I do."
"Me too. And I have a solution to your coat problem."
"You do?"
"Change into a long sleeve shirt and then you won't have to feel the coat sleeves on your skin."
"Okay! I will do that right now!"
She dashed off into her room and Lindsay sat up, leaning against the couch and keeping her eyes closed for a few minutes. She couldn't lie to herself, parenting would be a lot easier if she had a partner. Sometimes she wondered if she'd had too much pride and desire to prove everyone else wrong, that she'd taken on motherhood as a goal to be accomplished rather than something to be enjoyed. Not that she didn't enjoy it, but there was a little bit of her that always said she hadn't done it for the right reasons.
"I'm ready to go now mama. And we'll both have a very good day."
"Well if this isn't a great good morning, I don't know what is," Danny said, masking a gag with a fake sneeze. "My pops always said I was gonna catch a D.B. in a porta-potty someday, but I didn't think it would happen for real."
"I should have known it was gonna be bad when Mac offered me field hours," Adam agreed, stepping carefully around the scene and trying to decide where to begin.
"Hey, if you don't want the experience…"
"No boss, I just mean… I mean it's not bad… I just… well… uh…"
"So who was the poor unfortunate soul that found this other poor unfortunate soul?" Lindsay asked, snapping pictures of the scene, then stepping away to catch her breath.
"That'd be Daryl Roberts, works for the uh… maintenance company. Flack's interviewing him right now."
They made quick work of getting the scene documented and everything bagged up to take back to the lab, trying to be thorough despite their desire to get out of there as soon as possible. Desperate for cleanliness, they headed down to the locker rooms for quick showers before getting back to work.
Stella and Hawkes were already in layout, sorting through bags of dirty evidence, but not opening any just yet.
"So. Who wants to check out the wallet?" Stella asked, holding up the plastic bag.
"Well I personally think that those very important, case breaking things should be left up to someone in power, you know?" Danny suggested, pointing at Stella. "Just in case."
"No way."
"I'm too busy sorting through the rest of this stuff right now," Hawkes said, moving just a little further down the light table.
"I vote Lindsay," Adam suggested with a shrug.
"Me? Why me? Is this a new girl thing again?"
"No. I just figure, you have a kid and you grew up with cows, you should be used to this kind of stuff."
"First of all, my daughter has never done anything remotely this disgusting, and second of all, cow pies are totally different than… this."
"Still."
"I think you should deal with it," she shot back. "You're really good with trace."
"Flattery won't get you anywhere."
"Don't forget to double glove," Hawkes chuckled.
"I hate you guys," he muttered, shaking his head and starting in on the wallet. The rest of them dug through the boxes, trying to find the least messy bag to open, but in the end they all had to make some sacrifices.
"Didn't know you had a kid," Danny whispered, standing next to Lindsay while she cleaned off a ring of keys.
"Yep."
"Interesting."
"Yes, parenthood is highly fascinating," she answered absentmindedly, trying to make sure that any fingerprints on the keys would remain as intact as possible.
"So you don't talk about it?"
"It's my personal life, so no, not while I'm working. But since you've never taken no for an answer in your life, what do you want to know?"
He chuckled as she handed him the bottle of water so he could clean off whatever it was that was in his bag of evidence.
"I'm not one to pry."
"No, of course you're not."
She didn't mind talking about it, but she'd never wanted single motherhood to define her, especially in the eye of colleagues. She'd rather be known by them for the work she did, not the life she lead. And despite the fact that this was New York City and part of the reason she'd moved here was for acceptance, she still had the feeling that she was going to be judged for the way her life had turned out. It was a ridiculous fear and she knew it.
"How old is she?"
"Five."
"Her dad around?"
"Nope."
"Hmm."
He dropped the subject and she let out an inaudible sigh of relief. Maybe it was just that fact that she didn't know how to talk about it that made it so uncomfortable. She glanced across the room and gave Adam a look; he'd realized his slip of the tongue much too late and he mouthed an apology along with a puppy-dog face. She wasn't really upset about it anyway, but she would be milking his mistake for all it was worth.
"If this is our vic's wallet, his name is Andrew Branson, he's 21. Lives in the Bronx," Adam announced, inspecting the license. "I mean, if this license was real, that would be his name."
"It's a fake?" Stella asked, leaning over to look.
"Yeah, and a pretty good one. I'm pretty sure a bouncer wouldn't know the difference in low light."
"Anything else in there that might have a real name on it?"
"I think there's some credit cards in here but I need to wash them off to be sure. Stay tuned."
"You know, at the risk of sounding insensitive," Danny started. "I gotta say, this is pretty crappy."
"But mom-"
"I know you want her with you, but don't you think it would be better for her to be here?"
"Why would that be better?"
"She wouldn't have to go to daycare, Lindsay. You wouldn't have to be scrambling for a babysitter when you work nights, you would be able to save more money. Levi would have me and your dad to take care of her."
"Mom, I know you miss us. I know you're used to having her there every day. But I'm not going to send my daughter all the way across the country just because there might be some conveniences to it. I would never be able to focus at work because I would miss her too much."
"I just feel like you're struggling."
"I'm not. Sure there are hard days, but there were hard days in Montana too. I don't want to be away from my daughter ever again. I can't do that."
"I understand that honey. I just want things to be as good and happy for you as possible."
"They are. As long as I have her, everything is okay. Maybe if I was younger and wasn't sure what I was doing, maybe then it would be better for her to be with you guys. But she needs her mom."
"She sounded unhappy when I talked to her."
"She had a hard day. She's better now."
"I don't want to undermine you, Lindsay. I really don't. And I don't think you're a bad mom. I just want to do everything I can to help you."
"I know, mom. I really appreciate that, and I would not be where I am today without you."
"I love you sweetie."
"I love you too."
"Please let me know if you need anything, okay? I'll fly out there just to give you a hug if you need that."
"I know you would. I've got to go put the little stinker to bed, but I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Alright sweetie. Sleep good."
"Night mom."
Lindsay clicked the phone off and sighed, deftly removing the tear that had started to spill down her cheek. She knew she'd relied on her parents a lot for help with Levi, but she hadn't realized what an emotional support they'd been. Picking Levi up from them after work had always turned into an hour or so to decompress from her day and to talk about anything that was bothering her, but now she came home to quiet. She was lonely, something she'd never wanted to be, never thought she would be.
"Mama, I'm ready for bed!"
Lindsay stood from the couch and went into the bedroom, finding Levi in the middle of the bed with the blankets pulled tight around her. Her eyes were brighter than they'd been earlier in the day, and despite her tiredness, she seemed content.
"Okay, tomorrow night, I need you to try and sleep in your own bed."
"Sure mama."
Every week they went through this and every week Levi tossed and turned and cried and had bad dreams and ended up back in Lindsay's bed until the next week rolled around. It was a horrible cycle, but if the hard nights could be cured by not sleeping apart, then Lindsay could postpone the change for a little while.
"Want me to read to you tonight?"
"No thank you. I would like to talk."
"What about?"
Levi sighed and rubbed at her eyes, humming softly to try and remember what she wanted to say. Lindsay waited patiently, knowing it could be several minutes before her daughter aligned her thoughts.
"Mama?"
"Yes darling?"
"Remember this morning when we were upset?"
"Yes, I do."
"Well I am sorry for how I acted."
"You're forgiven, honey."
"Remember how I said that you were lonely?"
"Yes."
"Well I think you need a friend. Like how I have some friends at daycare that I like. I think you need friends at work. Like that Adam guy, he's your friend. And he was pretty nice when I met him. And you have the other friends at work that you told me about so I think you should be friends with them at home too. Know what I mean? Like how Audrey came over for dinner sometimes. That's the kind of friend you need."
"You think that will make me happy?"
"Yes. You will have someone to talk to. About grownup stuff. See mama, I just love you so much," she exclaimed, squishing Lindsay's cheeks between her little hands. "And I want you to be happy. And I want some people to know how beautiful my mama is. Grama says that your heart is even more beautifuller than your face. And I think people should know that."
"Oh honey," Lindsay chuckled, leaning down to kiss her daughter. "I love you so much, do you know that?"
"I do."
"And I want you to know how important a beautiful heart is."
"I know because you tell me a lot. And I can feel it when you give me hugs."
"Good."
"Are you going to go to sleep with me right now?"
"No, I need to finish up some chores and then I'll be in."
"Can I just rest and not sleep until then?"
"Sure."
Levi snuggled down into the bed, pulling the pillow under her head and yawning gently.
"I love you mama."
"Love you too. Get some rest, I'll be in later."
She slipped out of the room and went back in the kitchen to finish up the dishes, grateful that she had not forgotten to buy soap for the fourth time. It seemed that between parenting, working, and trying to take care of herself, she was always forgetting something. Luckily, despite all the struggles, Levi was very patient and if it was something of hers that was forgotten, she could usually be coaxed to go without it.
The phone rang just as she was finishing up and she wiped her hands on her jeans before picking it up to find Adam calling.
"Hey, what's up?"
"I'm really, really sorry."
"You're sorry for what?"
"For earlier today when I pretty much announced to the world that-"
"Don't be sorry, it's fine."
"But you hadn't told anyone and I just blurted it out."
"Adam, it's not a big deal. I wasn't keeping it a secret for a reason or anything. I just hadn't happened to mention it yet."
"You swear you're not mad?"
"I swear. Now, if you're off next Sunday, Levi and I are going Christmas shopping. Do you want to bring Gabby and come with us?"
"I really do need to shop," he said contemplatively. "Sure I'll go, but you are not forcing any egg nog down my throat."
"How about a figgy pudding?"
"No, and no fruit cake either."
"Sugar cookies with crystal glaze?"
"It's a deal."
"Good. I should go but I'll talk to you later."
"Thanks for not wanting to kill me."
"Don't worry, I keep my homicidal thoughts in check."
"Awesome."
"Goodnight Adam."
"Night."
Levi's prediction from that morning had been right; it had turned out to be a good day after all.