The way that the sneakers cushioned her feet was one of the most comforting feelings in the world and despite the three mile run and the early hour, she was loathe to kick them off at the front door. Winded, achy, and in need of a shower, she desperately wanted to go one more mile but she knew she shouldn't. Instead Lindsay collapsed onto the porch, regulating her breathing and enjoying the coolness of the wood beneath her. The day before had started early and ended late and between keeping Levi occupied and behaving on the plane, having jet-lag, and needing to talk to her parents about the upcoming hearing, she hadn't had more than a minute to think about everything that had transpired between her and Adam just the day before.
If she thought hard enough she could take herself right back to that moment; the slight breeze in the air, the way the crickets had sounded, how soft his hand was as it held hers, the gentle pressure of his lips and the wonderfully clean smell that was so him. All she had to do was close her eyes and it was right there for her, a memory waiting. She was smiling peacefully to herself, pausing the moment in her mind to make it last longer, when the front screen opened and slammed shut.
"Mornin' mom."
"How'd you know it was me?"
"You don't walk as heavy as dad does," Lindsay explained, sitting up. "What time is it?"
"Almost seven. Are you hungry?"
"Yeah. Can I help you make breakfast?"
"Dad's had his already but I ran out of eggs for you two. Levi told me last night she wants one green egg and one brown one so I have to go check what the hens will give up. Come with me?"
Lindsay nodded and bounded off the porch, almost skipping next to her mother as they went to the hen house.
"Levi's grown too much."
"I know," Lindsay conceded, checking an egg over for cracks. "She's going to be tall. Taller than me when all is said and done."
"Like her father."
"Yeah. I just hope it doesn't happen too fast. She's still my little girl."
"You're still mine too."
"I know."
"Is there something else going on with you?"
"What do you mean?"
The look Lindsay received was one she knew well. It said "I'm not an idiot, I'm your mother." She wrinkled her nose and sighed, shaking her head lightly.
"I think I might like Adam a little. Or a lot."
"That's a foreign concept for you isn't it?"
"I haven't been interested in anyone in years. I've always just focused on Levi and work, but I think that's going to have to change."
"Are you ready for that?"
"No. But I'm ready to get ready."
Evelyn smiled, mostly to herself. She'd seen this coming a mile away. Lindsay and Levi both talked about Adam in every phone conversation, as if he was with them all the time, and when Lindsay had announced he was flying over half the country just to be there for her, any of the questions she still had were dashed.
"If that's what you want honey, then I want you to have it. You deserve it. I would just advise you not to rush it."
"I know. I've got too much going on right now to really think about it much and he isn't ready yet either, but we'll get there. Just let it happen."
"You're really happy. Despite everything that's going on, you seem pretty settled."
"I'm scared out of my mind even though I know it's going to be okay. I just feel like everything will eventually fall into place, but it's going to take some time to get there. I know they're not going to give Josh any visitations, at least not as it stands right now, but I'm nervous about Levi meeting him. I don't even know who he is anymore. Don't know how to prepare her."
Evelyn was quiet, finishing gathering the eggs before they walked out of the hen house and she slid her hand into Lindsay's tugging her towards the house.
"You're her mother. You'll figure it out. And I'm not saying that to be dismissive, honey, I know you will."
"This sucks. Why did he do this?"
"I don't know. I think we just have to focus on the good aspects of it."
"Like what?"
"Like the fact that he wants to be in her life. The fact that he could end up being good for her. The fact that she's wanted this for a long time."
"I know. And that makes it easier but I'm really worried about her getting her heart broken. I don't want him to be around for a while then walk away when he finds out that being a father wasn't all he thought it would be. I would rather he was never there than to tease her with it for a while then leave."
"Maybe he's changed. Grown up a little. Maybe he can be a father now."
"I guess time will tell."
"How come we never go out for ice-cream in New York?" Levi asked, eyes wide as she was handed the cone with strawberry ice-cream and sprinkles.
"Because it would be a waste of money. Not even in New York can you find ice-cream like you can here."
"I can't wait to eat this."
"Want to go for a walk and eat or stay here?"
"Let's walk to the park. I can burn off the sugar afterwards."
Lindsay smiled and took her daughter's free hand as they made their way out of the small store and down the street. Levi's sandals slapped sloppily against the sidewalk and she hummed her herself as she ate, clearly happy to be back in her hometown. She hadn't talked about being homesick in a long time, but it seemed that the fresher air was doing her some good. She seemed settled.
"Mama?"
"Yes Wrinkles?"
"Even if I have to stay with my Josh-dad, I will always love you more. You will be my favorite."
"Thanks sweetie."
"You're the one that stays up with me in the night when I have bad dreams and you buy all my food and make sure I take my vitamins and you love me when I'm naughty and you teach me lots of things and even when I have to go to my room you don't stay mad for long. And you listen to me when I talk. Lots of grown ups don't do that. But you do. And that is why you will always be my best favorite."
"Oh sweetie," Lindsay breathed, kneeling down to hug her daughter. "How did you know just what I needed to hear?"
"Because I am a magical fairy princess!"
She giggled and broke away from the hug, running across the grass to the playground. Just as she hit the bark chips, her ice-cream tumbled off her cone. She stood there staring at it for a minute then slowly knelt down and grabbed it, picking the dirt off before placing it back on the cone and wiping her hand on her shirt.
"It's still good!" she called, taking a big bite. "I'm going down the slide!"
Lindsay laughed and sat down on the bench, preferring to finish her dessert before running all over the place. Levi squealed with delight as she went down the slide backwards, falling off the end and rolling over to stand up again before she spun in a circle then ran to launch herself belly first onto a swing. Singing loudly to herself she swung back and forth as her ice-cream dripped down her hand. Grass stains on her knees from a morning in the yard, light streaks in her hair from the sun of summer, and dirt under her nails just from being a kid, she was the very picture of carefree and happy. Finally finishing her treat, she repositioned herself on the swing, standing on it and holding onto the chains, rocking back and forth carefully. She didn't seem to be bothered with the brace on her wrist, despite her whining about it earlier. Maybe she needed to be forced to deal with things she didn't like sometimes. Maybe that was good for her.
"Mama, come push me on here! I want to feel like I'm flying!"
Lindsay walked over to the swing and pushed it gently, making sure Levi was holding on well before letting her swing too high.
"Wha-hoo this is fun! Mama, you should do it too!"
"Yeah but if I do it then who will push you?"
"Where's Adam when we need him?"
Lindsay smiled but pushed the swing without a response and they fell into silence for a little while, until Levi suddenly bailed off the swing, running to Lindsay and hugging her, tears dribbling down her face.
"I don't want to leave you mama! I don't want to go with my Josh-dad! Please, please don't make me! I'm happy in New York I promise! I will be really good and not have fits anymore. I promise very much mama!"
"Oh baby, this isn't your fault," Lindsay said, dropping down into the swing and pulling Levi into her lap. "What's happening right now isn't happening because of anything you did. I promise you. This is between me and Josh. I don't want you to think it's because you did anything wrong. And even if you did, I would still want you with me all the time. Nothing you will ever do will make me want to be away from you. Okay?"
"Okay. I just don't want to live with him."
"Honey, who told you that you'd have to live with him?"
"I thinked that's what it meant!"
"Oh no! Baby, no. Maybe someday you will visit him or he will visit us but you will never have to live with him. I'll make sure. You will always be mine."
"I was so scared!"
"I'm sorry we didn't talk about this more, sweetie. I guess I just didn't know how. I guess I need to start doing better before you're a teenager or we're going to have major problems."
"I don't want us to have problems."
"Then I am going to work on talking with you better and making sure we're on the same page."
"So I for sure won't be going to live with my Josh-dad later right?"
"Right."
"And do I have to shake his hand if I meet him later?"
"I would like you to because that's good manners but if you're not comfortable with that, then I won't make you do it."
"It makes my belly upset. Kind of scared."
"I know. Me too. We'll get through it baby. It's going to be just fine."
They swung slowly on the swing until Levi calmed down and slid to the ground.
"Tonight when I go to bed will you cuddle up with me really tight?"
"Of course I will."
"Then I am ready to go and have a bath and go to bed. Maybe if grandpa could rock me a little while too."
"I'm sure he'd love to."
"And could I call Adam to say goodnight and I miss him?"
"Probably."
"Do you miss him mama?"
"Sure I do."
"When we get home maybe we can see him. And Gabby! I miss her a lot. Could me and her have a sleepover?"
"That would be fun. I'll talk to her mom and we'll work something out."
"Great plan! I'm glad we had this talk. What are we going to do tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure. I thought maybe we could go for a ride and then meet Audrey for coffee."
"Okay! And when will we go to the lake? You promised me we would."
"After church on Sunday."
"Sweet! I'm so happy for this. I can't wait to swim."
Lindsay chuckled.
"You'd better be prepared. I'm pretty sure one of your cousins will throw you in the water."
"Probably Finn. He always does that kind of stuff to me. Like having a brother sorta."
"Yeah, sorta."
"Do you think I will have a brother someday?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe we could pick one up for me at the hospital sometime. I don't mind sharing a room. It will have to grow in your belly for a bit. And we'll need to find it a daddy. But otherwise, I could have a brother right?"
"Maybe someday. Let's get scootin', okay?"
"Okay. I suppose I'd better have bubbles in my bath, because I am extra dirty. Because of country life."
"Yeah, and you smell like air too."
"I sure do! Didn't you know that being outside all day can give you a wonderful feeling about life?"
"I did know that. Sometimes I forget though," Lindsay chuckled as they made their way back to the car.
"We should be outside more often-ish. I'd like that. Someday could we move to another house that has a yard?"
"We could try. Until then maybe we should spend more time at the park."
"Okay! Boy howdy, I sure am tired. I can't wait to climb under my covers. I like the covers on my bed here better than the ones at home. These are more softish. Could you ask grandma what kind they are? And maybe we could get me some new ones?"
"I'm pretty sure I could do that, just don't let me forget."
"I won't. I am real good at remembering things that I want."
"I think she's finally asleep," Lindsay whispered, adjusting the phone and running her finger over Levi's face. "Chattered until the very last second."
Adam smiled on the other end of the phone, yawning and pulling his pillow under his head.
"I miss that crazy girl."
"She misses you too. She told me that no less than fifteen times today."
"Did you tell her I'm going to be there tomorrow?"
"Nah, I thought the surprise was good. What time does your flight come in?"
"Around four. Are your parents okay with me staying?"
"Yeah, they didn't seem to mind, just shared a very pointed look."
His silence was contemplative and she let her mind wander, wishing she could catch his and figure out what was going on in there.
"So what do they think?"
"I told you, they didn't mind."
"No, I mean… what do they assume?"
"Oh. Um, my dad didn't say anything really. My mom isn't really thinking much at least not anything that she's saying. We'll see what happens when you get here. I think my parents are going to be much easier to deal with than my brothers, by the way."
"I gotta deal with brothers too?"
She giggled and reached over to turn off the bedside lamp.
"It'll be fine. Although I am pretty sure they'll be talking about what it means to fly across the country for someone."
"They won't buy us being just friends will they?"
"I don't know actually. Just have good answers, you'll be fine."
"Are you doing okay?"
"I think so. I have to go see my lawyer in the morning. Kind of makes me nervous. I'll be fine though."
"You sound sleepy."
"I am. All this fresh air and whatnot."
"Get some rest. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow," she corrected with a little smile.
"Sleep good Linds."
"Night Adam."
She started to end the call, then thought better of it, a sudden impulsive need for just one more thing.
"You still there?" she asked, hoping she wasn't speaking to dead air.
"You didn't hang up yet."
"I love you."
The triune proclamation hung in the air between them, waiting for a place to land. It wasn't like they hadn't said it before but this was different somehow, almost like a promise rather than a statement. It could have been months ago or yesterday that she decided she wanted to be with him but it wasn't until this moment that she fully grasped the concept.
"I love you too. Get some sleep."
This time she smiled and ended the call, setting her phone next to the bed and wondering how long it would be until he called to tell her good morning. No matter the nervousness that gnawed at her stomach, the worry that kept her eyes from closing, there was a little bit of peace in the storm that she could hang onto.