"Are you going to stop pacing at some point, or is this some kind of game where I have to guess what's going on?"
Lindsay paused long enough to stop chewing on her thumbnail, instead dropping her hand to her side.
"Don't hate me," she said softly, eyes drifting to the carpet.
"You want to break up."
"I don't want to. But I think… this is hard."
"Lindsay, what do you need?"
"I think we need to just put things on hold for a while."
"Okay, that's fine, but do you want to tell me why?"
She dropped to the couch next to him- but not too close- her head in her hands.
"No. And that's the problem."
He remained silent for a while until she sighed and looked up at him, her eyes round and wet. He knew she hated this, he knew she had agonized over it for a while, but that didn't make it any easier to hear.
"I thought I was ready. I really did. I thought that I'd organized all that baggage, but apparently I didn't. And now I'm uncovering stuff that I didn't know about."
"You were in love with Josh, weren't you?"
"I think maybe I was," she confessed. "And I'm not now and don't want to be and it really has nothing to do with him directly, it's just that there's a lot of hurt there that I didn't know about. And it's making it hard for me to trust you, which isn't fair. It's not your fault and it shouldn't backfire on you either. And I need to figure out how to work through that because you shouldn't have to worry about it."
"Your mind's made up?"
"Yeah. I don't like it, Adam. I hate that this happening now and not six months ago. I don't want to do this to you, I don't want to ask you to wait for me. All I know is that right now, I can't be what you deserve."
"What do you want from me?"
"Nothing. You don't owe me anything."
"I want you to be okay."
"I will be. I'm working on it. I have been for a few weeks and I've been putting off this conversation for a while because I didn't want to do this."
"Okay."
"Adam, when we're in this, we're really in it. And if that's the case then I really need to be ready."
"Why can't you work on this while we're together?"
"Because you make me happy. Because I'm able to ignore all of this and just be present. And that's good, but somewhere down the road, we're going to go through hard times like everyone does and this will just be one more thing that can go wrong. If I deal with it now it will be less of a fight later."
"I don't like this."
"Neither do I. I wish that I had known all this earlier. I wish a lot of things actually."
They fell into silence for a while, the only sound being the ticking of the clock and Levi snoring gently from her bedroom.
"So then… we're broken up."
"I don't want that. I want to just be… on pause or something."
"And you're sure this is the best thing for you? For us?"
"No. But it's all I know to do."
"Okay."
He stood up from the couch and made his way to the door. He respected her decision and he knew where she was coming from, but that didn't make this any easier, and it didn't mean that he really wanted to stay here much longer.
"Adam, you have to know this isn't about you. It's not because I don't love you or because I don't want to be with you. You have to believe that."
"Can I still see Levi?"
"Yes. I would never… you can see her whenever you want."
"Thank you."
She wanted to say more, but anything now would just be begging, so she let him go, waiting until the door closed behind him before she crumpled to the couch and let her walls fall down.
"I don't want to go to school!" Levi wailed, planting her feet firmly on the ground. "No!"
"Levi, I am not going to drag you in there like some family comedy. It's time for school and I need to go to work."
"I can't do this!"
"What can't you do, Levi?"
The little girl sniffled, dragging the toe of her shoe through a puddle on the sidewalk.
"I don't like anything. My tummy is sick."
"Does this have anything to do with me and Adam?"
"Yes. I am very angry with you."
"You're allowed to be angry, Levi. I know this is hard and I am so, so sorry. I wish I could make it easier and I wish things were different."
"Then make them different mama! Fall in love with Adam again!"
"I'm still in love with him sweetheart. Listen, remember when we used to go on road trips together? And before we left, we would get the oil changed and clean out the car and wash it?"
"Yes."
"That's what this is like. I need to get everything in my mind and my heart cleaned up and ready to be in a serious relationship. Make sense?"
"Yes but I don't like it."
"Neither do I. I know this is frustrating, and I don't want you to stop telling me how you feel. But can you try with me to be brave today? Just through school and daycare, and when I come get you, if you still feel sad, we can talk about it."
"Just be brave for the daytime?"
"Yes."
"Okay, I'll do that for you, even if I am mad at you. I just really love Adam mama. A lot. And I know he is probably sad too, and I can't make him feel better."
"I know."
"You promise we can talk later?"
"I promise."
"Okay then. I can be brave."
"Thank you sweetheart. I love you."
"I love you too."
Lindsay pulled her daughter into a hug, closing her eyes against the pain that seemed to swarm over her heart. This was a disaster. She never wanted to hurt anyone, and here she went, hurting the two people who meant the most to her in the world, in part because of someone that meant very little. How was this fair?
"I'll see you at dinner time. Be a good girl."
"I will mama. Have fun catching bad guys."
"I'll try."
With one last hug and kiss, she shooed her daughter into the school, then remained on the sidewalk for a moment, shaking out the umbrella and deciding on a drizzly rain-walk to work rather than getting on the humid and cramped bus again.
She was wearing the wrong shoes for this, but that didn't seem to matter much as she made her way through the city. Originally when all these things had come to light, as she'd discovered some buried feelings and felt the pressure of old secrets, she thought she could work through everything on her own, quietly. It quickly became clear that she couldn't, that she needed the emotional space, and that she needed some extra help. A few phone calls to her old counselor in Montana had helped her to come up with a game plan, but it didn't speed up the process very much. She hated herself for hurting Adam. She never would have guessed on New Years that they would be broken up by Easter. If she would have known, she would have put a stop to the relationship before it happened. She would have been honest with him, or at least given him a heads up about what was going on. But she had been blissfully ignorant of things that were going on in her own heart and mind until it was too late.
Add to that the fact that being honest, being totally honest with him scared her half to death. He'd accept her of course, he would still love her, but speaking the words was still hard, no matter what his reaction was. But now she wondered what was actually scaring her? What he would say and do, or letting herself accept it? What if the hang up was her own view of herself and not his? What if this came down to the fact that she wasn't prepared to deal with the possibility that she'd made too many mistakes? What if she couldn't accept herself? What kind of example would that be to her daughter?
One thing was becoming quite clear; she had a lot more to work on than she thought.
"Do you still love mama?"
"Levi, of course I do."
Levi played with the fries on her plate, dragging one through the ketchup before she spoke again.
"And when she gets her heart and brain all figured out again, will you want to… will you want us still?"
"Yes."
"Are you mad at mama?"
"I'm not mad, Levi. I'm sad about this, but I also know that she's making the decisions that are the best for all of us right now. I trust her. Are you mad at your mama?"
She shrank back in her seat and nodded.
"I finally had a daddy. I mean, not a real daddy, but it was pretty close. And now it's not any more."
Adam was confused for a moment, until he realized that the daddy she was talking about was him. When had that happened?
"Hey Doodle, I'm not going anywhere. Just because your mama and I aren't dating at the moment doesn't mean we don't love each other and it doesn't mean that I stopped loving you. I will always be here for you, no matter what."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
She nodded and slid out of the booth, coming over to his side to be lifted into his lap. He cuddled her close and kissed the top of her head, the only way he knew to reassure her that things would be okay.
"Listen, we both love mama very much right?"
"Yeah."
"So let's do her a favor and just be patient and understanding while she figures things out. We'll all be much, much happier that way. Okay?"
"When you take me home tonight, will you tuck me in and give me a hug and a kiss, like normal?"
"Yes, I will."
"Thank you Adam."
"You're welcome. I know things are hard right now, but they'll get better."
She nodded and turned to hug him, burying her face in his neck.
"I just want us to be a real family."
"We are. We're just a little different right now."
"Okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Are you done eating? We could go to the arcade for a while before you have to go home."
"Yeah, let's go."
He left money on the table and used the last napkin to wipe her face, before they left the diner and walked the few blocks to the arcade. She was a little quieter than normal and when a round of air hockey didn't take her out of her slump, he realized that she was probably tired and needed to get home. He gave her a while to look at the rest of the games, watching as she rejected each one. She just didn't seem interested in anything. Wordlessly, he picked her up and let her curl into him, arms wrapped around his neck as he carried her home.
"I don't wanna go!" she cried when they finally reached the building. "I don't want you to go away!"
"Levi, I promised you that I'll always be here for you. I will always love you."
"But Josh promised he would always call and sometimes he forgets about me! How do I know that you will keep your promise too?"
"You have to just trust me, Levi. Have I ever lied to you?"
"No."
"Why would I start now?"
"You wouldn't."
"You're right. I don't want you to have to go home either because I love hanging out with you. But that's what we have to do."
She clung tightly to him as he made his way up the stairs and by the time they reached the front door, she was holding on so hard that he didn't even have to hold her.
"Monkey girl, you're going to have to let go," he chuckled, opening the door.
"No, I will miss you too much!"
Lindsay looked up from her spot on the couch, her brow furrowed in question as Adam made his way to Levi's room.
"I'll miss you too honey. But your mama promised that I could see you whenever we could. I have to work a lot this next week, but we'll figure something out, okay?"
She sniffled against him, nodding but not letting go.
"Daddy."
The word broke his heart, tore it right in two, and he wondered if this whole relationship was really the best thing for her. She deserved so much better than he thought that he could give. Was he even dad material? And what about Josh? Didn't the man have a right to try and regain his title?
"You need to change into your pajamas," he started, figuring that bypassing the word was the best course of action for the moment. In reply, she sobbed into his shirt, the wails becoming louder and louder until he was at a loss and Lindsay was standing in the doorway, uncomfortably watching the moment play out.
"Levi, it's bedtime," he tried again, sitting down in the rocking chair. "I know that you're upset and confused but that's mostly because you're tired. I promise things will feel a little better in the morning."
"No! No, please don't go away! You will never come back!"
"I will come back, I promise."
"Levi, Adam loves you," Lindsay assured, crouching down to be at her daughters eye level. "No matter how things are between us, he will always love you."
"You're taking him away from me," Levi accused, eyes spitting fire. "You don't want me to ever have a daddy. You don't want me to be happy! I hate you!"
She flew out of Adam's arms and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
"I'll go talk to her," Adam started after a moment.
"No. I need to deal with it. She knows you love her and that you won't leave, she's just overtired and mad at me."
"Linds-"
"I need to do this myself."
"You apparently need to do a lot of things yourself."
"I'm trying."
"I'll go then. Just… if she needs me, promise you'll let her call."
"I promise."
"Okay. Goodnight."
It was almost out of habit that they moved slightly towards each other, muscle memory dictating a goodnight kiss for a split second before they both remembered themselves. Silently, he made his way out of the apartment, hating shutting the door on his fractured family.
"Levi, I know you're upset with me and I know you want to have a cry in private, but I think you will be more comfortable in your bedroom."
The crying continued from the other side of the door and Lindsay opened it, finding Levi curled up in the dry bathtub, head propped up on a loofah.
"Levi, I'm sorry."
"I know. I don't mean to be upset so much mama. But I'm scared."
"That's okay. Everyone gets scared when life changes. I was scared to death when I found out I was going to have you, but look how well that turned out."
"Really?"
"Really."
"I just love Adam. I don't want him to go away. I don't want him to stop loving us like Josh did. I don't want him to forget about me."
"He won't. Sweetheart, this break Adam and I are taking, it's not meant to be forever. It's meant to help us to be together forever, okay?"
"Okay."
"Do you want to take a bubble bath and sleep in my bed tonight?"
"Please."
"Alright. I think that would make both of us feel a little better."
"Adam is sad, mama. How is he going to feel better?"
"I don't know, honey, but I think spending time with you helps him a lot."
"I really hate this. I hope everything gets better very soon."
"So do I."