Started 09/20/2014

Finished 10/11/2014

Revision 11/09/2014

Mood Music: Heavy in Your Arms by Florence + The Machine

Notations: SORT OF established relationship. The Ruler of my heart is my wonderful, patient BETA: Prince. All Praise Prince-sama!

WARNINGS: Angst. Tears, maybe? Midousuji is sort of an asshole in this one. Sorry. Light cussing

Repletum

Chapter 05: Heavy

In which Midousuji knows that his heart is heavy.

"'I love you' never felt like any blessing, whispering like it's a secret

Only to condemn the one who hears it, with a heavy heart" ~ Florence + The Machine

It was not his first loss, and it probably wouldn't be his last either, but this one hit harder because it was one uncalculated, unpredictable slip that had caused him the loss.

It was true that luck was a great part of racing and even though he knew that there was nothing he could have done to avoid that insignificant fuckin' rock on the road, he was fuming.

Sakamichi is wary of his mood and doesn't try to cheer him up. He says nothing, and usually just his quiet warm presence is enough to soothe his angry demeanor.

But today he was furious.

There were a lot of reasons he lost today, but it all came down to one jarring realization.

He had gone soft.

His razor sharp instincts had been dulled, and his strategies lacked that mental manipulation that he had been known for.

He had always been strong, and formidable.

Today's loss to the stupid gross arrogant bastard that had won today shows that Midousuji was turning into a shadow of his former self.

And he knows whose fault it was.

Sakamichi was soft, kind, and giving and it was rubbing off his weakness.

The said man hesitates at the apartment door, the keys jingling in his small fingers, before turning around to face him. "You did great today, Midousuji-kun. I know you lost, but…"

Midousuji feels a dark hate grow in him, "Shut up. I don't want to talk about it."

It was like he was digging the already sore spots on his mind. The encouragement makes him feel dirty.

Goddamnit, he should not have lost today. The more he thinks about it the less it makes sense. So many little stupid mistakes he made today. He should have been training more, devoted more time to the strategies for the race, and studying the competing riders for hidden weaknesses. He had been doing less and less of that lately. Sakamichi doesn't approve of his use of tricks and power plays to get ahead, and that was why he lost.

He goes into the apartment, straight to his room and Sakamichi follows behind him. He suddenly can't stand the sight of him. Sakamichi is weak and he is making him weak. He kicks down his rollers, not in his usual careful manner, and glances at the practice in pieces in the corner. He didn't train enough, his mind was distracted. Sakamichi was a distraction. He takes a step to the practice bike, when he is interrupted.

"Midousuji-kun… You need to rest."

"I fucking know that. I want you to stay the hell away from me."

His bitter resentment made his voice so cold that even he could hear the anger in the tones.

Sakamichi says nothing, quietly glancing up at Midousuji, his eyes understanding and Midousuji hates it. He stands there, waiting. Midousuji doesn't know what for. For him to apologize? For him to listen and go rest? For him to decide what he wants from this half assed relationship that they have?

It must be hard to be him, to have to constantly wait and wait for Midousuji for everything. Sometimes he wishes that Sakamichi would just stop waiting, stop hoping, stop being so damn understanding. "I don't need you pestering me like I'm some sort of idiot. I don't want to see that stupid face of yours."

He can see the slight hurt in his eyes, the words digging deeper than usual, and Midousuji wants to take it back, to stop hurting him, but he can't. He doesn't know how to stop. Maybe he doesn't want to. He is sick and twisted, but that is all he knows.

Sakamichi knew knows that. Why should he have to change?

"Midousuji-kun…"

Sakamichi says his name like a prayer, always saying it as if it was special. Midousuji hates that he loves his name said like that. He wants Sakamichi to say his given name like that, 'Akira, Akira.' He wants to hear his name said in that same joyful tone, but he is never going to reveal that desire to the man.

"I think you should rest."

Midousuji feels blades leave his throat, "Leave me alone, you idiot!"

Sakamichi shakes his head, direct disobedience. Midousuji hates it when he gets in these moods. He's unstoppable, unmovable, "You have to rest. There will be other races. You are amazing, Midousuji-kun. You need to rest. You can train for the next one, and you'll win."

"Shut the fuck up already. Goddamnit, you have no idea what you are talking about."

He tone is so low, so bitter and so angry. He knows, he acknowledges that Sakamichi has done nothing wrong, has only been good,kind, and helpful even, but he can't stop the hatred growing in him. He lashes out at the man,

"You did great today," He imitates, bringing his voice to a shrill mocking tone, "You have no idea what the hell you are talking about. I screwed up so much today, but you are too stupid to see that. You come in here with your gross words, and your stupid cheery attitude pretending that everything is just dandy. Well, it's not, you fuckin' moron! You're stupid and useless. It's your fault I lost today. When have you ever done anything to help!" The words are just shooting out of him, like well aimed missiles, knowing exactly where to strike, "You really are nothing without your friends, aren't you? You are useless without them. You are useless to me! All you've done is bring me down! You're weak! Weak! And it's making me weak! Goddamnit, this is YOUR fault! Why are you even here? I want you to stay the hell away from me! You're gross! Gross!"

It is disgusting the pleasure he feels from letting it all out, and the pain that quickly follows, he swallows it, because Sakamichi's face is blank and empty and so unlike him.

Midousuji stares at it, clenching his teeth, biting so hard that it feels like they are pressing deeper into his gums, clanking against his jawbones.

Sakamichi blinks once, and emotion fills his face once more. It's not hurt, or anger. It's something controlled and vague, and it's hard to read.

"Rest." He says, forcefully, sternly, "You have to. You have to be tired. I'm uh..I'm going to make something to eat, and you can eat it when you wake up."

Midousuji growls at his words, and wants to fight it, but he doesn't. Sakamichi's controlled level expression is making him panic. He walks over to the door, glancing back at him, "Sleep well, Midousuji-kun. I'll be here if you need me."

And he leaves, quietly closing the door behind him.

The memory of the blank expression reminds him of death, like the face of one he saw long ago. Blank. Void. Empty.

He stands there, and after a beat, he breathes out a whine, a desperate sound. How hard does he have to push? Why does he keep pushing, shoving Sakamichi away so violently, when all he wants is to have him close, wants him pressed against him, to believe his words, and take advantage of his smile? It makes no sense.

He is still thinking of training, ignoring his sore legs and the ache in his core. He starts to the practice bike, but he stills when he hears a sound, quiet and muffled, but the thin walls of his apartment do nothing to stop the noise.

It's crying.

No, it's sobbing.

Midousuji feels his chest under a heavy weight, like there was a compress, and it hurts.

It's Sakamichi that is crying.

No, it is Sakamichi that is sobbing. He can hear it. He can even see it in his sick perverted mind. He can see Sakamichi hunched over, curled into a ball, trying desperately to muffle the sounds, biting his hands to keep quiet. He is breaking.

Midousuji's breath hitches, and he is tries to catch it, but his lungs keep shrinking. He walks over like a zombie, and drops down to his knees, trying to work up the courage to open the door, knowing that Sakamichi is in pain on the other side,that he is suffering because of him.

He drops to all fours and leans his forehead against the door. He can feel the man's warmth from the other side, feel the pain that he is letting out. He can hear the shuddering breaths, muffled against perhaps his hand, or his knees, curled up from the pain that Midosuji had inflicted on him.

He is so cruel.

He doesn't know what to do, he wants to do something, but he doesn't know what. What can he possibly do? He is the one who caused this. He is the one who hurt him.

He knows that this might be it. That this might be the last straw. That he might see that Sakamichi's infinite patience and love and understanding is anything but.

He might leave this time.

No, not might, he will.

It's a hand that closes around his throat. This is why he never wanted to love, because he doesn't want to lose, never again, lose anything.

Today's loss suddenly is insignificant in light of what he is about to lose.

Sakamichi is quiet, and Midousuji hears him shuffle and stand, sniffling quietly.

Is he going now? Is he leaving?

Does his love do that? Make people leave?

Sakamichi would always tell him that everyone deserves to be happy, everyone should have love.

Not him. He was never part of that 'everybody.'

He doesn't cry.

He hasn't cried in years. He didn't even cry when he was told that his mother was no longer around. So he was not going to cry now, just because someone else is crying.

But, his eyes sting, like he has been riding in the cold for too long, prickling like little needles being stabbed into his retinas.

He gasps, the hand on his throat tightening, teeth clench as despair grips his heart.

He wants to scream, and trash, hoping that maybe that'll be enough to bring Sakamichi bac, Maybe if he claws at the ground, and his blood spills, maybe Sakamichi will decided to stay.

He can't keep him, can he?

He knows he is such a heavy burden, his heart, his soul. He can't expect Sakamichi to carry all that.

No, he shouldn't have to carry him like this.

He crawls to his bed, and curls up on it, his eyes still stinging, and if he caves to the desire to cry, he might never stop.

What does it matter that he may never stop? No one cares after all. Sakamichi is not coming back.

It feels like an eternity, laying his bed, his long figure curved, trying to protect himself from the blades of his own mind. His thoughts are endless and dark and only digging into the wounds he had inflicted upon himself.

It is eternity.

He can't have happiness. Everytime he gets a taste of it, he takes the feeling and runs with it. Because in the end, he has only himself.

He stiffens when he hears the door creak. His large black eyes widen at the sight of Sakamichi coming in with a tray of food. His face is dry, not even his eyes are red ringed with the hard tears that Midousuji heard him cry.

Sakamichi carefully walks over, and they meet eyes again.

It's there, and it's a miracle that it's there, but it's there.

The love, the understanding, to forgive. It's plain and obvious, and Sakamichi smiles at him as if Midousuji hadn't said those words today.

Why are you so strong? He wants to ask, Why do you love me? It's those questions that he holds in his heart because if he says them out loud, they might make Sakamichi wise to his predicament.

Why are you clinging to me?

Sakamichi's smile is real as he sets the food down, and his face is full of that genuine concern.

"Do you feel better?" He asks.

I hurt you, but you're still here…

He doesn't say anything, but looks away, unable to look at him because he feels unworthy. He instead stares at the ceiling, avoiding his warm loving gaze.

"I made some food. Udon noodles, too. I used to eat it when I was a kid and didn't feel too good. It always helped me cheer up."

I am going to keep hurting you, but I can't let you go…

"I brought water and some tea. No milk or sugar. I wanted to make something sweet too, but I can't find any sugar."

Please… don't leave me. I don't want you to go, even if I push you away.

"Maybe I should go get some from the store. It's just down the street. I'll go run and get some real quick."

He moves to get up from his kneeling position and leave, but Midousuji reaches out to grab his wrist hard and tight. His fingers dig into Sakamichi's flesh, shackling it in an unbreakable hold.

"Don't leave."

He doesn't realize that he says it out loud until Sakamichi's eyes shift, something soft and knowing filling them, "I'm just going to the store. I'll be right back."

He pulls the hand harder, reeling the man in. "No." He says. He tries to put force behind it, to command in his usual typical way, but it comes out as a plea.

He is begging.

Don't leave, please.

Sakamichi's eyes water, and Midousuji curses at it. What did he do now? Yet there is a smile on his face.

"Okay.I won't."

They stay like that, Sakamichi leaning over the bed, his right wrist still imprisoned by the still man in the bed. He doesn't want to let go, and he won't let go. Instead, he pulls Sakamichi in, until the man has to kneel on the bed. He's still being pulled, and his eyes are wide when Midousuji does not stop bringing him closer.

He topples on the bed, his face flushing a lovely lively pink, and he looks like he is trespassing some sacred place.

This is different. This is strange.

He looks awkward, and it's Midousuji that pulls him into his arms.

Sakamichi is light on top of him, his soft weight a comfort. It doesn't make sense that Sakamichi is carrying his weight, his heart, all the burdens on his shoulder when he is this fragile, this breakable. He is so warm and small, and childish, and foolish, but he is still here, still holding on.

Midousuji hates that he loves that about him.

Stubborn little fool, beautiful stupid idiot. It's so gross that after all these years, Midosuji can't understand a single thing about him. It could take him a lifetime to unravel all his secrets kept in those bright blue eyes, hidden behind his illuminated smile.

Sakamichi is stiff on top of him, his body hot with embarrassment. Midousuji tightens his arms until he can feel their heartbeats against each other; Sakamichi's a fast breaking pace, and Midousuji's relaxing as he slipped into peace at having the man there and in his arms.

He can't say the words on his tongue, on his mind, on his heart; inked in blood, cut into his soul, "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "I need you"

So, he just holds him tight. Maybe Sakamichi will understand.

He knows that it must be a curse to be loved by him, this eternal game of back and forth, of half truths and insults. This constant struggle between what he wants and what he knows he deserves. Because as long as he loves, Sakamichi will continue to suffer.

"I'm sorry."

It's not Midousuji that says it. It's Sakamichi whispering it into Midousuji's neck like it's a confession of sin. He has finally relaxed, his light frame feeling like a hot blanket on top of him "I… I just wanted to help you… But I guess I just bother you sometimes… I just…"

"Stop."

Sakamichi does not listen. "I just… I just love you. I want you to feel better. I want you to be happy."

"Stop. Stop talking. Shut up. Shut up." They are words that he longs to hear, but he doesn't want to hear them. They are like a brand burning into his skin, the rope around his throat, tightening. How can he love him so much? Why? Why? If Midousuji finds the why, he can make sure that he never loses that aspect of himself, so that Sakamichi will never stop loving him.

"No. You need to hear it." Sakamichi shifts and looks up, his eyes full of that fiery determination mixed with another emotion that he was known for.

"I love you, Akira. You know that, right?" His face flames up, and he quickly adds, "Ah! I didn't mean to use your first name...ah.. I should have asked."

Midousuji is breaking, but not in the way he was earlier. It's as if his shell has a crack and Sakamichi is pouring something warm and filling into him. And he can't stop it. He is useless to stop it.

He doesn't want to stop it.

He leans forward and kisses him. He tastes salt, and it's proof that Sakamichi did cry today, cried because Midousuji is sometimes a monster.

But he stayed. He stayed! And Midousuji tries to focus on that.

Sakamichi is as warm on the inside as he is on the outside, and he tastes like tea and salt. They kiss and they kiss hard as he tries to breathe him in.

When they part, breathing hard, their chest expanding against each other, their heartbeat in almost the same rhythm, Sakamichi gives him a look like he is the most beautiful thing alive, like he is everything that he needs in this world.

"I do love you." He says again, his smile small and tired. He rolls off and snuggles into Midousuji's side.

Midousuji blinks at the water in his eyes.

He does not cry, but the tears are there, threatening to remind him that he is human, and that he is loved.

"Stay." He forces out carefully, his voice hoarse because his words are weapons that are not used to being soft.

He feels Sakamichi nod against him, "I will. I'll stay."

He is heavy. He knows that his heart is a burdening weight, and that he drapes himself over the small, delicate burning fire that is Sakamichi's soul. Sometimes, more often than not, he carries both of them, and it's preposterous because Sakamichi is so small and soft and so warm.

His strength is hidden behind his smile, behind those ever glowing eyes of his.

He is heavy, he determines as he buries his head in the crook of Sakamichi's neck. He is so heavy to carry,but, he also realizes that Sakamichi, weak, beautiful, small, delicate Sakamichi, is strong, and willing enough to carry him.

And that he'll never let him down.

Notations:

I have no explanation.

Chapter 06: Awake

Summary: In which Midousuji finds the comfort of warmth

Mood Music: Sunrise by Norah Jones