The Corkboard Laws of the Cooper Gang

by M. Christine Armstrong

Trying to maintain order in a gang of thieves that contains everyone from a super-genius turtle and a down-on-her luck Interpol agent to a French lounge lizard and people from the distant past is tough. To the rescue: the Corkboard Laws, a wacky list of do's and do-not's the Cooper Gang has developed from the day-to-day challenge of dealing with one another.

2. Chapter 2

Requests are most welcome. Thank you to olirulz111.

Lots of Bentley in this chapter...

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Just as Sly walked into the safehouse, he heard several screams, shouts of "Blood!" and a loud bang! from down the hallway. Thinking that his friends were being attacked, he ran towards where he heard the sounds.

Then he saw what really happened.

Sly facepalmed, muttered something about working with teenagers, and composed the next rule on the corkboard.

/

If you and your significant other must "have some privacy," then for the love of all that is pure and holy in this world, LOCK THE DAMN DOOR!

~ And while we're on the subject, please do it in your bedroom.

Turns out Bentley and Penelope had been – erhem – "getting busy" with one another in the common room and Murray walked in. They all screamed bloody murder, and not only did Murray get a nosebleed, but he also fainted.

/

If an encountered criminal has the word "Black" at the beginning of their name, then nine times out of ten, it's Penelope.

Bentley had done some checking. Apparently his girlfriend had been using aliases that began with the word "Black" since preschool. The gang was divided on whether to find this pathetic or hilarious, but either way no-one was surprised.

/

If you don't do as Bentley tells you, he is not liable for your injuries.

Dimitri tried to spear a shark when he was specifically told not to. Bentley was smug about that for weeks.

/

Beating up someone just because the two of you have different tastes in music is unprofessional and childish. Don't do it.

~ Even if that someone is Dimitri.

~ Bentley, I'm surprised with you.

"Ear plug sales have quadrupled in the last 4 minutes,"Bentley grumbled.

/

"Never Have I Ever" is banned from all gang safehouses and from the gang van.

Carmelita had come back from a job, only to find the rest of the Cooper Gang (excluding Rioichi) as drunk as lords. The resultant hangovers pushed the date of the heist back a week.

/

You are not allowed to lock Sly and Carmelita in a closet and take bets on what happens.

~ Despite being amusing, the resulting fallout isn't worth it.

Tennessee won the betting pool: Sly with a dislocated jaw, Murray whimpering in a corner, and Bentley booking it out of the safehouse at top speed trying to avoid being shocked.

/

Sly's cane does not require routine tests, maintenance or otherwise.

~ Looking at you, Bentley.

Bentley had been testing Sly's cane to figure out how and why it glowed when Sly did heavy attacks. Sly proceeded to steal the turtle's pocket particle accelerator and hold it over his head until Bentley gave him his cane back.

/

If you are fairly certain that you're not going to like the answer, don't ask the question.

A female member of the gang had asked Sly whether or not a dress made her look fat. When Sly gave her his answer, she grabbed his cane and beat his head in with it. Bentley, for his part, laughed until his face hurt.

/

Do not attempt to blackmail Bentley.

~ Trust us on this. He knows more about your buried bodies than you do about his.

The turtle had more dirt on the world's major criminals than Interpol and the UN put together, and he had at least five informants in every country.