Akashi has been taken with calligraphy since last year and now there are times when he spends whole nights drawing. Unfortunately none of the pieces he has made so far are deemed exquisite enough to be placed on the walls of his own apartment, however at Reo's insistence he sends one to them. Reo is ecstatic about it and has sent various pictures from different angles showing the wall they placed the scroll on.
He plays shogi every month with Midorima and honestly enjoys these little games though he is as expected the victor in every single one of them and they talk very little, like always. He knows it is healing for Midorima as well and that is one of the reasons why he is adamant about having them; for thanks to these games, Midorima has a chance and place to reveal his mind and worries if he ever feels the need and also can take a breather from his packed schedule. He understands being dutiful more than anybody else so he knows how Midorima is pushing himself hard to juggle various responsibilities at hand; others may think it comes easy to Midorima for he is capable and smart, but Akashi knows it is not easy at all.
There are times Kise begs him to come play basketball with them and he indulges himself on these occasions; they are not scarce nor are they frequent. He has also gone to watch a few games Kuroko played and once one of Kise's. It seems Aomine's school is dominating the league so far, no surprise there, as it is a school specialised in sports; their whole team is much better and formidable and with the addition of Aomine, they are simply unbeatable. Aomine himself seems to enjoy his games against Kise and Kuroko-Kagami duo the most.
He receives packages sent by overnight express cargo at times, baked good and confections, from Sapporo. They have little notes on them, Murasakibara asking how he is doing. He could send text messages via phone instead but he prefers this strange way of communication and Akashi is fine with it, the food is delicious and he has always been fond of good food.
His days pass in serenity but his insides are nowhere near serene. He has taken a greater liking to watching people and spends most of his lunch breaks sitting on the benches outside or in the school's various cafeteria, simply observing people around him. There are times he secretly wonders if life would be much better if he was as simple as them; if the cost of being born a star is bearing chaos for so long, is it truly worth it? Would it be better to be a piece rock placidly floating in vacuum, than a heavenly fiery mixture of gas such rocks would float around of?
He had thought that ensuring a certain level of stability in his environment would stabilise his inner turmoil but it does not seem to be the case. His mind wanders off to Kuroko more and more these days; it is as if as he tries to stay away from the aquamarine eyed centre of his affection, instead of declining, his yearning is kindled.
How to explain this?
It is hard. It is not romantic love, he is certain of that for he is certain that he is naturally incapable of romantic love. It is a kind of obsession, it is a longing for a kind of relationship he thought he could never have with anybody and had once thought he could have with Kuroko and then realised he would never be able to, for he has too many demons in his head and Kuroko was also different than he has thought. But now that they are reacquainted, the pining has come back and is even stronger than before, though he is well aware that his demons have not fled, they are still very much present if subtler and much less violent.
A few of the girls at his courses are brave enough to approach him in the hopes of a romantic future, he realises that these people are in love with either the image he is projecting or with the possible future benefits a relationship with Akashi the Heir would bring. There is this wicked thought that always blossoms in his mind whenever he is approached by such people of such motivations:
Why not use them?
Why not show them?
Show them what you are.
And they would run in tears and cries and they would be horrified and they would call him a freak...
Perhaps he would be happier than, if they kept their distances and regarded him as a different species, for honestly there are times he feels like a different species than the people around him.
He sees Nijimura a few times around the campus after that fateful day. The brunette has sent him a message a day after the incident and asked for his address to bring the clothes to. Instead Akashi asked him to bring them to the campus and give him there. It was a calculated action to put a distance between himself and Nijimura because even though he has felt this immense desire to bring the man into his fold out of his own controlling nature, there is a part of him that says "no" outright. It is also the same part that still insists on calling the man "Nijimura-san". Perhaps it is the part of him that is sanguine and hopeful and naïve enough to think that things could go back to the days when everything was simpler, when his demons had not destroyed him both inside and outside.
Reo would disagree. They would say, "You are being too tough on yourself Sei-chan."
He has thought about the prospect of making friends in the university, however he is sure he would not come across people like Reo (or Kotarou, or even Eikichi). Everyone in this place seems to be exceptional either in studying or in intellect, or they are both; regardless, Akashi finds everyone he has met so far unbearably shallow. From the faculty to the student body, they are either lost in their own grandiose or are so caught up in their present or potential futures that they are not aware at all of the world around them. He finds them dull, or rather in general he finds the institution of education itself dull and tedious; obviously, he will study and he will attend all his classes and he will ace in every single course he takes but only out of duty and only out of the fact that he has been asked to. He does not enjoy any of it at all.
He is still amicable and civil to everyone, though he ensures to keep a safe distance from them and also ensures that they understand his excellence; this will guarantee that even if he does not form any actual personal bonds with these people, he will still have them as 'acquaintances' or 'colleagues' in the future. He can still make use of them in his career. It is insipid and tiresome but a Sovereign has to do what Sovereignty requires and that unfortunately will always involve such politically motivated slight socialisation.
Vaguely, he knows, he realises, he could form a truly amicable bond with Nijimura, perhaps akin to what he eventually had in high school with Reo; indeed he has seen little of what Nijimura has become as an adult, but he has not found him dull at all. Something in him avoids the topic altogether though. The brunette does not make a move to reinvigorate their relationship either, nor does he ever mention about the incident and the state he had found Akashi in that fateful night. Perhaps the old dutiful captain has become less caring, though the redhead still remembers clearly the tender care he was given that particular morning; the kind he rarely ever receives from anyone, the kind he rarely ever puts himself in a position to be the recipient of.
When the last classes and quizzes before the Summer Break arrive and pass like a breeze for him and more like a storm for most of the student body, including Midorima who is struggling to keep good grades for the first time in his life, various invitations clutter his email inbox. He would rather decline them all but he cannot; again, some due to his own personal fondness (Kise has decided to host an end of term party at Kagami's place and Akashi commends him for successfully persuading Kagami and Kuroko to allow that), some due to his aforementioned political and social obligations (his classmates from the Department of Law are going to hold an end of term get together with the Philosophy and History students from the Department of Letters at a restaurant – apparently it is a departmental tradition).
He buys three bottles of de-alcoholised sparkling wine as a gift and after the initial cheeky greeting of "Oh My God Akashicchi, you bought us wine!" Kise is much disappointed that they are not alcoholic.
"Just one more year Kise, bear it one more year." Kagami shouts laughing, Akashi is sure Kagami has never truly drank, though the boy has always been brash and feral in looks and manners, he is as innocent as an angel and it truthfully irritates Akashi at times, perhaps because he is the exact opposite. The redhead may have the pure face of a cherub, but he feel like sin incarnate. Then again, perhaps it fits; being an angel, Lucifer must have looked immaculate. Regarding alcohol, he is sure Aomine and Kise have already tried it, he distinctly remembers them gossiping about a particular beer brand at a get together during their second year in high school. Beer, he has thought, with all its blandness and the crude taste that holds no delicacy, fits them perfectly for now; though he is sure that once they mature Kise will especially be disillusioned with it and move on to vodka as well as colourful cocktails; Aomine will continue to enjoy beer at home but prefer scotch and simple cocktails, like martini, outside.
The night is simple, Kise manages to get (fake) drunk on non-alcoholic wine, Aomine is too giddy for no reason and Momoi is gleeful, Midorima falls asleep halfway through the night and Takao, who has spent most of his time stealing suspicious and angry glances of Akashi, takes his tall friend home early due to this... Then there is Kuroko and Kagami.
They have been thoroughly domesticated and do not hide their affection for each other as before. Or perhaps they want to but cannot manage to. Their touches are less subtle and more obvious, less accidental and more intentional. There are moments Kuroko will hold on to Kagami and larger boy will don a light blush on his cheeks, Kise smirks at these instances and sometimes nudges Aomine who instead glares at him. Aomine has never cared about these kind of affairs and prefers to ignore the whole matter, partly because it is shattering Momoi's heart, he believes. Unbeknownst to even him, Momoi has recently truly moved on, not like before when she had said she had moved on to everyone but had not moved on a single inch. Akashi is aware because he talks to her now and then, she often reaches out to him to ask questions or advice since they share the same discipline of study. He sometimes sends her articles he has found interesting. There is a boy she sometimes mentions passingly but her voice wavers a little every time she does, there is a beautiful timidity and she is just warming up to the idea of somebody new... Akashi has to admit that he finds the whole matter endearing albeit alien, he has never felt anything like it and he will never feel anything like it.
His mind wanders to Kuroko like always. Kuroko has liked the sparkling wine despite its lack of alcohol and Akashi makes a mental note to buy it whenever he can for his quiet friend. There is no alcohol in it but that somehow does not stop Kuroko's cheeks from donning a delightful pink. Akashi finds this look very endearing. Ideas surface on his mind, tinged with the colour of the depths of his desires.
He could have had him.
It is not a matter of possession; he could posses anything and anyone he desired. It is something deeper: it is the knowledge that he thought he could have something with Kuroko that he could not have with anybody else because nobody else would ever understand him... It turns out, Kuroko cannot either; it is painful to admit but Akashi would never be able to give Kuroko what Kagami gives to him, because it is not a material thing nor is it just affection and care. It is a very specific kind of love that Akashi just does not feel capable of, has never been capable of, and frankly does not care or want to be capable of. Yet Kuroko, it seems, lives off this thing. Now, Akashi could fake it. He could definitely fake it. It would be extremely realistic too and despite his observational genius even Kuroko would certainly fall for it because Akashi has ultimately been the devastatingly more brilliant one.
The problem is that it is too cruel for Kuroko. And it would be too cruel for Akashi too...
And then there is obviously the whole issue with his troubles... Kuroko is resilient, stubborn, and strong-willed but he can be extremely coward at times; if anything his perseverance in the recent years is something Kagami has helped him build. The old Kuroko ran away the moment he was left behind and hurt by his dear ones.
Akashi still remembers those days, all the silly details full of angst. He remembers the betrayal he felt and the betrayal he was sure Kuroko felt. Everyone seems to read their story from Kuroko's point of view and thus surely the victim would be Kuroko, but Akashi thinks he was not alone in that; they were either all villains or they were all victims. He himself had felt just as betrayed, just as depressed, just as pressed... if not more.
He takes a large gulp of his drink and orders the distasteful thoughts to disappear. It is not the time to lose oneself in the past. He tries to enjoy his night as much as he can before he leaves, not the last one to leave as it seems Kise will either stay the night or leave really late. On the way home he receives a selfie with a message from Reo; they are making a victory sign and grinning, winking. Their inky hair has gotten longer and is fastened at the back with a purple hair tie. The message sent right after the picture says:
"Classes concluded, all assignments submitted, and all quizzes successfully passed. We are going out tomorrow as the trio, wish you were here Sei-chan!"
There is a comfort he has always felt at Rakuzan, specially with Reo for they have never been judgemental to him. He has always cherished that. So he cannot help but be more motivated to take the first bullet train ride to Kyoto tomorrow and spend the night with them instead of his own classmates. He knows he will not feel the same serene atmosphere in Tokyo. Still, he cannot indulge himself so impulsively. That was one of the first things he was taught as a child; his feelings and whims and desires come second if they are not contributing to his well-being as a leader and successful heir, especially so if they contradict with his duties.
"I am sorry that I will not be available. Have fun in your Summer Break, good luck for the finals in September."
He pauses a moment after his response is sent and decides to send another one. Such pauses and addenda rarely happen to him but whenever they happen it is with Reo, because they deserve it, he thinks somewhere deep in his mind:
"You look nice with your hair long."
"Aw! Sei-chan don't use your playboy charm on me, you know I will fall fast and hard."
He chuckles at the response; it is Reo's nature to be so flirty and caring all the time but Reo is the last person he would ever be engaged with and the decision is mutual, he would like to think. They are akin at certain aspects but one aspect they are completely opposite is love: Reo is not simply easygoing about it, Reo is tremendously romantic to the degree that his easygoing nature is more of a defence mechanism. Akashi is the very opposite. Interestingly, it is this antithetical nature of their stances towards love that allows them to understand each other very well. It is precisely why he has come to regard this person as a friend and wishes he had done so earlier.
Some part inside him disagrees but then that part of him would prefer to cut off all human contact, if he could.
...
...
When he arrives for the party of his classmates at the designated restaurant, which is neither classy nor shabby, a place that could be described simply as decent, he finds himself in an expected predicament. Men invited him because they know he has a decidedly stellar future and career ahead of him and would like to be on his good side for potential favours in the future. Women are similarly motivated but with an extra interest in his private life. Whereas he is obviously interested in neither. So he politely keeps his distance without coming off too cold, engages in small talk now and then and sips from the black tea he has ordered as he waits for his meal to arrive. Soon after, a particular young man from Occidental History programme is checking him out; subtle enough to not allow others to realise but intense enough for Akashi to notice. He would have noticed it anyway, not that this stranger would know. His name is Kageyama Shun, according to the earlier introductions, and Akashi has to admit that he is very good looking. He ponders the possibility of pursuing a night with the man but some of the possible endings are too bothersome and he would rather not complicate his life these days.
It is then – when he is in such thoughts he hears a familiar voice and turns to realise a group of people have arrived to their table and amongst them is Nijimura. He is as surprised as Akashi is; apparently a few of the students in departments of Chemistry and Physics heard about the get together and wanted to invite themselves, thanks to a mutual friend in the department of Law. It is not necessarily a surprise in the sense that department of Letters has the highest female student population amongst all departments, Law also has a sizeable female population compared to Sciences and Engineering. Such 'hijacking' is not uncommon. Still, it was extremely unlikely for them to meet like this and Akashi is once more irritated with how the life can sometimes throw such irrational and improbable curveballs at him. Nijimura says "hi" to him immediately and moves towards, despite all the women and men wanting to be in close proximity of Akashi, he somehow manages to get one of the guys sitting across the redhead to change places. People are already a little surprised and intrigued that the two know each other.
"You two know each other?" Kageyama asks, his tone is carefree and does not seem to hold any special intention, Akashi knows better.
"Yeah, he was..." Nijimura pauses for a second and his lips don that cheeky little smile Akashi is not very used to seeing him with,
"... my cute little kouhai in middle school."
And this erupts a volcano of interest. Women giggle and 'kya' and ask for photographs which Nijimura admits to having none (Akashi thinks this is a lie, despite all his disinterested appearance, the brunette has always been sentimental at the core, he surely has at least a copy of the one of the many photographs taken during their first championship together). Men ask questions about how Akashi looked and behaved then. Despite their interest flooding Nijimura with questions, there is a sense of envy in the air that is too apparent to be unnoticed. Kageyama is quickly disillusioned though and takes the chance of everyone being so focused on Nijimura to make small talk with Akashi.
Akashi does not mind. He has always been fond of beautiful things and beings; hence, he does not mind looking at the handsome features of this man, who is also smart, granted nowhere near the redhead's own brilliance. It is at least not intolerably boring, even if he does not feel anything at the subtle hints of flirt the young man throws at him (and rather pities him for those).
One thing Akashi also realises is how Nijimura keeps an eye on him even when he is busy communicating with others; after his initial comments the brunette has mostly said nothing meaningful, but finds polite ways to not answer the questions thrown at him. Such skilfully deflecting tautology, he would not expect from his former captain, he has to confess, nevertheless he finds it charming and mature. His night could be worse, so Akashi is still contented with this. Though he would prefer if he could have something alcoholic to drink; he has not drank in weeks and tonight feels like the perfect night to drink.
About two hours pass chatting and eating. Nijimura has mentioned how he moved to the States (due to his father's treatment there – Akashi attentively notes in his mind), this makes him more popular with both men and women in attendance. For a few reasons, one of which is the allure of anything 'foreign' or 'different' (which has always disturbed Akashi especially, was also partially the reason why he wore contacts for such a long time), another is his fluency in English and knowledge of American lifestyle both of which have come to dominate the world for such a long time now that people inadvertently attribute some kind of superiority to both, which is bullshit, of course, and Akashi could explain the political and social underlying frameworks of both such hegemony and the tendency to be mesmerised by such hegemony in the first place... But he prefers not to mingle with their conversation at all and watches as some young men curiously ask questions about American women to Nijimura, who is mostly blunt about it. Not shameless yet not timid either. He acts so mature compared to most others in the room, his attitude delightfully nonchalant and confident, but then it is not a wonder for Akashi, as he knew that this young man had always been maturer than his fellows. Even as an adolescent, those silvery orbs gleamed with a particular attitude and he was composed like an adult most of the time (though whenever he lost it, the end results were always spectacular and particularly entertaining).
After finishing all on his plate as well as his tea, Akashi excuses himself to go to the washroom. Just a few seconds after, while he is still in the hallway he hears the footsteps moving towards him and immediately knows 'who' and 'why', so instead of washroom, where they would be stuck together alone in a confined room, he moves towards the side entrance of the restaurant and exits outside.
"I thought you were going to the washroom, Akashi-san?"
"And I thought you would be smart enough to not approach me like this, Shun."
The man flinches a little at the use of the familiar name and is unsure whether to take this as a positive sign or a negative sign; Akashi has deliberately avoided referring to anyone with their names during all the chatter and in the rare cases he had to, he used full names or status.
"But I am truly enchanted by you... Akashi-san."
His voice is soft yet titillating and Akashi entertains the idea of how enticing it would sound if made to scream endlessly such that it would become hoarse. But again, it would be too bothersome to entangle himself with this person, he does not want anything bothersome in his life for the time being. The young student of history is obviously pushy and relentless, would be the perfect stalker material; Akashi despises stalkers, immensely.
"It is natural and I do not condemn you for that but if you think there will be any mutual exchange or reciprocity, you are extremely mistaken."
"Do not reject right away, could you perhaps think about it? You do... prefer men as well, don't you?"
"I do not have to think about it and frankly, this has nothing to do with my preferences. Simply put, it is even ridiculous that you thought you could ever approach me like this. Who do you think you are?"
Akashi's voice is calm and devoid of any emotion, the person in front of him struggles a little with words, takes a few steps forward, they are less than a hand's length apart from each other now. He is taller than Akashi, by approximately five centimetres the redhead measures with his eyes. Perhaps he thought he would be intimidating and forcefully capture Akashi's attention and compliance like this.
How stupid.
How utterly stupid and foolishly wicked.
Akashi thinks, at most a touch, all it will take is a touch; if this person dares to touch his skin, he will unleash hell onto him. Tonight and for the rest of his life, he will ensure that this man's career within the university and outside is completely annihilated. If he dares to touch him with those hands, they will be broken. Each and every little bone on those delicate hands will be crushed, shattered thoroughly. Akashi has been good at controlling his violent tendencies for too many months now, but he is not going to keep them tamed in the face of such transgression.
Some part of him is almost begging for the touch so that his notorious and well accumulated fury can be freed.
Nijimura's voice disrupts them though,
"Oi, Akashi... There you are."
"Nijimura-san?"
Kageyama's eyes widen and he turns to take a look at Nijimura and then to Akashi. Akashi is well aware why there is such a surprise, Nijimura probably thinks it is due to a different kind of reason. It does not matter much because Nijimura is already near them in a second, his palm is securely on Akashi's shoulder (it is interesting, how the redhead does not even regard this particular touch to be a transgression of any sort, not even for a second), he speaks, completely ignoring Kageyama's presence,
"Akashi, could I speak to you alone for a moment?"
Kageyama is restless upon this and is about to say something again but Nijimura glares him daggers and Akashi is amused at the intimidating aura Nijimura gives. He had always been fond of that a little; when they were so young and the redhead had not become the captain yet, he had hoped that one day he would have an intimidating aura like his esteemed senpai held. He eventually acquired an intimidating nature, of a very, very different kind though...
"If you could please excuse us?"
Nijimura's tone is authoritative and challenging. Kageyama, who has previously used his own height to establish some sort of dominance is upset under Nijimura's gaze that looks down on him, there is about 10 centimetres of height difference. Kageyama relents, finally, there is nothing he can do and after a final look and nod to Akashi, he turns his back and leaves. Once he is out of sight, Nijimura gives a sigh of relief whereas Akashi gently takes the brunette's paw off his shoulder,
"Do you suppose you have saved me, just now?"
Akashi has never spoken to Nijimura with a commanding voice like this before, so it understandably surprises the brunette as though a gust of chilling wind has suddenly appeared out of nowhere to slap his face in the hot and humid night of July. He blinks a few times, trying to assure himself that indeed the statement came in such a tone from Akashi and perhaps he should not have been so surprised; after all he had expected Akashi to grow up into a man who could sound like that. Still, the voice of the thirteen years old boy, of the little crimson haired young master, so high pitched and almost reserved if blunt and unwavering... he can still hear it in his ears. The contrast is astonishing.
Then he loses it and bursts into chuckling,
"Is it funny?"
Akashi asks, a little vexed at the reaction he elicited.
"No, actually, it is not. Your question is though."
"Why?"
"Because I would suppose that if I saved anyone, it was not you but him. I probably saved his life."
Akashi's eyes glint and he too smiles after that response. When he talks next, his voice is much softer and akin to the usual tone he uses with Nijimura,
"He was profoundly hapless and you indeed saved him."
"Thought so. What a courage though! I had realised he was trying to flirt with you while we were inside but I never thought he would actually confess... Even try to intimidate you like that!"
"It is not good manners to spy on others' private matters Nijimura-san."
"Hey, I was just interested in the well-being of my kouhai and also the young man who was stupid enough to boldly enter the lion's den..."
Ah, Akashi has always been especially fond of being likened to lions. Nijimura gains a point for that. The redhead leans his back to the wall of the restaurant, it is probably not very clean and if Midorima was around his eyes would widen in a mixture of disgust and surprise; Akashi does not care so much.
Nijimura observes him in silence, then takes a sip from the beer can he has been holding, as if to encourage him before he says,
"I hope I did not disturb anything though... I thought it was pretty clear you were rejecting him so... If you were planning... eventually not to..."
"I think my words were clear enough for neither you nor him to be suspicious that I could ever be interested."
"So he was not good enough for you?"
"Why are you interested, Nijimura-san?"
"I am not interested specifically, but I guess it makes me curious. I have been straight all my life. Am I prying too much? Sorry."
"You are prying too much and also being rude."
"Uh, sorry."
Nijimura reclines towards the wall as well, near Akashi,
"You are surprised?"
That's all Akashi says, not specifying 'about what', still Nijimura comprehends effortlessly, he has always been smart like that, there is a reason why he had made it to Tōdai's Pharmaceutical Science department,
"I am, I guess... As I said, it is a little new to me."
"I would think you are better informed about these kinds of things considering you spent years in L.A. and even in San Francisco, apparently."
"It is different to learn from somebody you actually know. Or rather... how I found you, it was different."
"You mean, you never thought you would find the boy you last saw as a 14 years old child, small and seemingly frail in body and with feminine face but determined, dutiful, and serious, to end up unconscious in a bar after drinking way too much scotch, his clothes worth three times your monthly income soiled with semen of another man everywhere and body full of bruises that would indicate abuse of a very deviant kind?"
Nijimura gasps and chokes on the mouthful of beer he is drinking. The cat is out of the bag spectacularly, bombastically; and considering Nijimura's reaction he has not planned to take it out of the bag yet, at all. Akashi was a little impatient with the pretence though, thus his arrogant outburst that was voiced as calmly as recounting a childhood memory.
"You... did not have to put it that way."
"But it was that way, wasn't it? I am not ashamed of it. But do not generalise my case with others. Actually, never generalise these kinds of things. Everyone is a little different in the least."
"All right."
"Could I take a sip?"
"You are still underage."
"Yes, and I would like to take a sip? Or I could go find a store and buy one for myself."
"Don't they ask for an id?"
"Nijimura-san, I have discovered very early on in my life that many regulations and laws do not apply to you if you have enough money to be an exception. I have much more than enough to be an exception."
Nijimura sighs in resignation and offers the can. This is something new for example, Akashi had given it 79% probability that Nijimura would outright decline him, with some heavy scolding too. Old Nijimura would. His lack of experience with the grown up Nijimura is screwing his predictions and he does not like that at all now. He does not like beer either, but it will have to do for now as he desperately craves some alcohol. Just as how his flawed calculations will have to.
He takes a sip and it slightly burns his throat. He feels a little better.
"He was not good enough for me. But nobody is good enough for me. That was not precisely the reason why I rejected him."
"Why did you reject him then?"
"There are a myriad reasons, his insolence being an important one. But I in general prefer not to accept such confessions."
"Because?"
"Because I simply cannot reciprocate them and unless it is a person I deliberately want to be cruel to, it would simply be too inhumane to give them false hope."
"What do you mean when you say you cannot reciprocate them?"
"I could not love them. Or rather, I could not love them romantically."
"Why not?"
"I am incapable of it."
Nijimura is puzzled and turns to his side, facing Akashi and observing him carefully,
"Do not stare at me like that, please, Nijimura-san."
"Like how?"
"Like I am a bizarre alien organism, an altogether different species. I am not, technically at least."
"I am sorry. It is just..."
"Unexpected? Is it also 'interesting', like my tendency to have sex with men? Perhaps you want to put me under a microscope and research?"
Nijimura closes his eyes and bows his head,
"I am sorry, again. It is rude of me. Pardon my ignorance."
"It is curious, I would assume you to throw a fit after my initial blunt statement. You have changed, haven't you?"
"Well I guess it is obvious at this point that we have all changed."
"If you are referring specifically to me with that, it is not that my romantic orientation has changed. I was pretty much aromantic during middle school as well. Since I have ever known myself, I have not been interested in pursuing romantic relationships. But if you are specifically referring to my sexuality, then I would assume that it is normal that I changed when I did. I was almost a child, at the early stages of my adolescence when we knew each other. I am an adult now."
"You are..." Nijimura says absent-mindedly and reaches for the can, Akashi gives it back, the taller man takes another sip,
"The part that I don't understand, if you are not interested in romance, how come you can have such... vigorous sexual encounters?"
Akashi reaches for the can and Nijimura gives it without a thought, after a sip, the redhead starts, his voice is clear and patient (undeservedly so, if you would ask him at that point),
"Sex and romance are not exactly the same thing now, are they? You should know this better than me. I am sure you have at least seen basic physiology in your first year at Pharmaceutical Science. Physiology of sex and romance may be intricate and related at certain aspects, but they are not necessarily the same."
"They are not, true."
"Nor are they psychologically. So I am a sexual being and I gain pleasure from the simple mechanics of sex. But I do not look for romance nor do I feel any romantic attachment or longing."
"Do you not feel any love at all? Or any longing?"
"I do feel love. I am fond of many things and many people. I am fond of you, for example. I am very fond of almost everyone we know from Teikou. I have a friend that I dearly care about. But I do not feel any romantic attachment to any of them. You should know the difference, even though our current culture especially emphasises romantic love, we are all aware of various kinds of love that exist. The parental love, the familial love, the friendship, companionship, camaraderie... List is long and I seem to lack any interest or motivation for one of these, only."
Nijimura is silent for a bit,
"I think I understand."
"You do not have to, as long as you don't discriminate or act rude, I do not care much regarding what you think to be honest."
This surprises Nijimura and he would like to ask but somehow that line of discussion seems too tense to continue, so he switches instead,
"Why did you reject that guy then? You could have had sex with him. He was very good-looking."
"It is ridiculous for you to ask this question; you are a sexual being and you are romantically capable too, do you simple accept everyone who comes your way?"
"Okay, it was a stupid question. But then considering the statement you earlier made, your sense of sexuality is quite detached and carefree..."
"It is but that does not mean I am not picky. I am very picky actually. Anything that comes with strings attached would bother me. The fact that we go to same school complicates things as well. My social standing is also a significant matter. I would have to eventually deal with him and I would much like to keep campus free of such drama. Even though he was handsome, so you are right, he could be a good fuck."
The expletive surprises Nijimura. From any other person's tongue it would be meaningless, but Akashi is usually so polite that any profanity is a true sin from his mouth, with all the allure and shock-value a sin can carry. A actual sacrilege. This was precisely why it was uttered in the first place though – Akashi is very amused at the effect, unbeknownst to the brunette.
"So the only reason you rejected him was because it could get messy?"
"Not the only reason, again. One of many. Or are you interested in me listing all of them?"
"No..."
"Why are you so interested anyway? Is it because you have never had sex with anyone you have not loved? Or because you are frustrated these days?"
Nijimura is bewildered at the sudden question, Akashi's tone turns inquisitive, the tip of his tongue is licking the inner edge of his lower lip, the stains of alcohol there; there is a tiny smirk on his ruby lips that is very seductive, Nijimura blinks a few times to disbelieve what he was just thinking and just how Akashi knows.
"How do you know?"
"It is obvious. The latter is evident in the peculiar attention you give, as well as the fact that given your schedule you must have no time for such affairs. The former; you do understand what I'm saying of love in theory, you do not understand how it would work in practice. But in truth, something in you says, perhaps you do? Perhaps that's what you have lived all your life? You probably had your first relationship there, in L.A. – it must have been hard? You were a foreigner, you could not even speak the language well at the beginning. You struggled. You thought you gained affection. You pleased yourself in their arms. Now you are here near me and after hearing my case, you cannot help but question your own case. It is good that you ask these questions, I think everyone should at one point in their life. But I do not think you are like me, still do not think that just because someone told you they loved you, they actually loved you. Nor that sex requires love or love requires sex. Nor that women and men fit together perfectly and any other combination would not. Matters of heart and flesh are quite more complicated than that."
Akashi rises the can and drinks the last drops, then he licks his lips wet again, there's slight alcohol in his speech when he mumbles though he is clearly sober,
"You have made me speak too much Nijimura-san."
"I am sorry."
"You are saying sorry way too many times today."
"Well I am sorry..." Nijimura utters, playfully this time though and his gaze becomes fixated as Akashi licks his lower lip fully one last time, his tongue is lighter in colour than his flushed lips and fiery hair... If there is one colour that would perfectly define this man, it is red; his body bears and elicits all kinds of red.
Nijimura is simply mesmerised, taken captive at the smallest gestures of that tongue, of the warm and wanton lips.
"Do not stare at me like that Nijimura-san."
"Like what?"
"Like you would like to touch me. I am afraid you would burn."
"You do realise that making such sentences will only encourage me?"
"Yes. I do realise that."
Why has Akashi put forward and accepted the possibility so effortlessly and naturally at that moment in time, he does not know; he will never know.
A silence ensues, Nijimura turns his back to the wall again, ponders for a second, there is nobody here as the side entrance of the restaurant actually opens to a narrow back street, he turns to his side again and take Akashi's chin in his hand and slowly moves his face towards himself, the redhead smiles and there is a glint in his eyes, Nijimura remembers this glint clearly. It is enchantingly threatening, like a Siren's eyes before she starts to sing...
It is infinitely and shamelessly dangerous and it is infinitely and shamelessly alluring. Akashi speaks in a very soft but equally precise tone, his tongue velvet and words sweet poison,
"You must know this: you are one of the few people I actually trust almost naturally. Hence, I tend to believe you would not cause any drama. Hence, I will not reject you. But you must know by now that I would welcome you only to appease my flesh and yours."
Indeed, Akashi's ominous words seem to only encourage Nijimura more; for he leans in and claims the enticing red lips without a word or second to spare.
...
(A/N: I tried to introduce subtle changes to how I normally perceive these characters, courtesy of the fact that they are more grown, older here; I think maturity does not always act out in the same manners though, so it differs from person to person. By the way, I've always liked how calm and collected Nijimura is but then he can be amazingly impulsive and almost sheepish afterwards. I can picture him growing a sarcastic side into his adulthood as well, he definitely has the potential.
Also, the fact that Nijimura is weak to beauty is canon per the recent Replace novel. I really like that little fact, a lot.
Another point: I know that some people do not like singular "they" but not only am I so fond of it, I also wanted to use it for Reo because as far as I know Reo has a rather gender-neutral speech in manga and their gender is left purposefully ambiguous so far. I really like that and obviously have headcanons regarding that but here I wanted to use the neutral "they" so that it is fitting to any and all possibilities out there.
There are certain parts of this chapter which feel a little didactic to me but I was not capable of expressing my ideas clearly and fluidly... Alas, my lack of literary skill is evident in this, I guess. Please accept my apologies.)