(A/N: This is that one story that indulges me the most and also makes the most self-conscious. I love it yet it also causes self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy in me, which happens rarely normally.)
...
...
Akashi does not inform Nijimura of his return because there is no reason to. A week passes in absence of the knowledge that Akashi is back and Nijimura only finds out the fact one morning as he is walking to the library hoping to study a bit instead of lazying around at home (honestly he hates lazying at home, for a person who has rushed from one obligation to another all his life, even though he desperately craves lazy days free of any tasks or duties, he is horrifyingly bored when he actually gets them – no solution to his continuous stress is found yet).
Akashi is sitting on a bench and jotting down god knows what on a little notebook in his hands.
"Hey!"
Akashi's features are cold and graceful as usual, even in the face of scorching weather, but his eyes attain this particular glint for a few seconds as he lifts his face up to the familiar sound and regards Nijimura.
"Hello."
"So you are back?"
"Yes, it has been a week."
"Welcome back."
"Thank you."
"So why are you in campus instead of enjoying your holiday?"
"I am afraid I have been dealing with some nasty bout of insomnia since I've been back. I could not sleep and I am pretty busy, too many events and responsibilities... I am actually writing down a speech for a reception I have to attend tonight. Thought sunlight could help me feel better."
"Hmm too bad. I hate insomnia. Is it because of jet-lag or something?"
"I never really get jet-lag so I doubt. It must be fatigue."
Akashi knows very well why he is battling insomnia and it has nothing to do with any physical fatigue: it is his frustration that is fuelling his consciousness to an agonising wakefulness continuously. His trip was terribly boring, obligatory meetings, preplanned introductions, mornings and days and nights spent amongst the most privileged of the world...
He hated it.
He hates it.
Because it is extremely dull, unbelievably shallow, and absolutely predictable – that's how they are, the ones at the top, the ones higher than those at the top... One would think since such people have immense wealth and power that they are perhaps deep, one would think since such people spend incredible amounts of money on art and culture and talk unnecessarily long about intricate details of business and philosophy and politics that they are perhaps complicated and wise...
They are not.
Akashi knows everything about them even before meeting them because learning them is quick and easy and they always fail to surprise him. The most ordinary person off the street would be much more interesting than them because even such a person would be irrational or erratic enough to have one or two moments of unpredictability that would entertain Akashi.
Not these people.
They are hoarders and consumers and that is pretty much all there is to them. Their world revolves around those two simple acts: hoard as much wealth and influence as possible and consume endlessly as though material world is infinite.
Nijimura who now sits near him and makes small talk is nothing like that.
Nijimura is simple but so interesting. You can be sure that you know him fully and he could do something so incredibly irrational or outside his particular personality that would defy any probabilities you had set before. He is so hot headed at times in complete contrast to his usual aloofness, it is vexing and exciting. There is a ton of stuff that worry or agitate him, sadden or madden him, cheer or fascinate him... Banal stuff, stuff of everyday life but they are each colourful and subtle. All in all, Nijimura's simplicity is beautiful, unpredictable, entertaining... and most importantly it is relaxing.
Unfortunately, as Nijimura's gaze falters away into somewhere in horizon, Akashi already knows, already realises that the man is trying to tell him something but is unsure. He does not like this. The moment he saw Nijimura, he had thought, oh this is nice... This simple greeting, this simple gaze, this simple honesty is nice, and he has realised only then just how fond he is of this. Of Nijimura.
But Nijimura's gaze tells Akashi that all that comfort may be shattered in the next minute.
And it does, for Nijimura says,
"By the way, I met others while you were gone."
It is a simple statement but Akashi is well aware of its implications. It first means that Nijimura has learnt Akashi has not told their friends about meeting their former captain, which might have caused him to come up with several explanations for this, all of which must be wrong. Because even Akashi is not sure at this point why he has never mentioned Nijimura's presence to others. Secondly, it means that the brunette has now learnt the unsavoury bits of the past that Akashi had not informed him of. Akashi had chosen so out of compassion for the man, for Nijimura's personality already makes it certain that a lot of self-blaming would ensue after hearing how things unfolded for the Teikō basketball team after he had left. Thirdly, as a result of the latter, Nijimura also has learnt the particular issues surrounding Akashi, and obviously, not from Akashi's own view and experience but of others. He does not like this because an interrogation of sorts is to follow, for sure.
None should be allowed interrogate Akashi Seijūrō, certainly not Nijimura.
Regardless of his foreknowledge, he chooses to feign ignorance.
"Is that so? I am glad. You must have had a lot of fun."
"It was nice. We went to eat together once... Then we also went to play basketball once. God, they are all so talented. Aomine is a true beast now."
Ah, he is changing subjects probably to warm up to the topic.
Akashi plays along,
"He is formidable."
"What you mean is that he is good but not as much as you are?"
"Obviously."
"Well, I think it would be cool if you were there too... I thought that while we were playing, actually... that it would be nice if you were there too."
You must have been the only one to think so is what flashes across Akashi's mind but he dares not acknowledge even the thought, forget pronouncing it out loud... Though it is as if Nijimura has somehow read his mind, for he adds,
"I am sure others felt so as well."
Akashi could have simply ignored this and continued on with talking, but this statement somehow irritates him enough to do something that would put an end to this charade. He chuckles. It is bitter and bleak.
"I am sure they did."
The undertone of poisonous sarcasm is deliberately unhidden. He does not even stop there, he cannot somehow, he discards the sarcasm completely and bluntly unveils the truth he dearly believes in,
"Probably only Kuroko and Midorima and solely because they still feel indebted to me in differing ways."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because it is the truth. Could you deny it? Do you have any proof otherwise? I am sure you have some proof of my statement though, don't you?"
Nijimura remembers Kuroko's words and swallows which only causes Akashi to smile and what a disturbing smile it is that Nijimura cannot help but mumble,
"For God's sake, just what the hell happened to you guys?"
"Well you must have a pretty good idea by now since you've met them, I am sure they elaborated."
"But I want to hear it from you too."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hear it from your point of view as well?"
"And are you perhaps hoping against hope that it will somehow change the things you heard?"
"What do you-"
"You know what I mean. You are hurt over what you heard and are you expecting that somehow things I say will change it?"
"That is not what I meant. You don't even know what they said or what I thought."
"Oh but I do. I do not need to be there, I do not need to witness it to know it. They are entertaining people, not very easy to estimate by outsiders, I am not an outsider though and when the topic is my own self, I have a good grip on things."
"You are exaggerating."
"You tell me if I am exaggerating. How did you even start to talk about me? Nobody would even dare to, it would be just too distasteful to inform you of it – of it all, what happened after you left, but especially the part about me because they regard the part about me as the worst of all. Because it wasn't just mean or full of angst, it was scary, it was oh so crazy, in a literal sense. They are undoubtedly terrified even though they've never admitted to it. So they jump from one topic to another but it is unavoidable, they start giving some hints about how things got complicated after you left, consciously or unconsciously. Then it must hit my case but how? Tetsuya and probably Ryōta and if present Satsuki would focus on Daiki's case, it is easier to deal with since it is simpler and he was the drama queen after all. But me? Tetsuya would not want to out of courtesy, Shintarō would be a good point of crossing but Kazunari was probably with you all since he is practically glued to Shintarō. This would rule out Shintarō being the connection, nobody would want to upset Kazunari as they are all fond of him; I don't blame them he is rather lovely from an objective view. That leaves one person, the most convenient too because he would not be present: Atsushi. So after you start talking about Atsushi, it would touch upon me and either you would ask or one of them spills something and an interrogation about me starts. You realised horrifyingly how everyone's relationship with me has changed the most, Shintarō would try to rectify much to Kazunari's chagrin and honestly he has always been terrible about communication and explanations anyway. So Tetsuya would take the spotlight and tell you my 'poor sob story'. About how I went 'downhill', how I 'cracked under pressure', how I became a 'monster', how I became 'insane', but how through the sheer power of 'friendship and perseverance' he saved me. He would not be self-righteous or boastful about it though, on the contrary, one hearing the story would think he is the epitome of kindness, that he is very modest. He probably even specifically ignored some rather distasteful parts but to illustrate the magnitude of the problem one or two must have been uttered, either by him or others. So which ones I wonder? Or rather, I don't wonder at all, either my little stunt with the scissors or my declaration to gouge my eyes out – at least one of them or both should have been pronounced at one point? These all would obviously make you very uncomfortable both hearing it all from them and not from me and also just hearing and knowing these, so you tell yourself that you must hear the story from my side as well. Now, was I able to summarise it pretty well? I assume so, based on your face."
Nijimura shifts uncomfortably and would like to say something but his mouth feels so dry to the point that he cannot drag a single syllable out of it, he is bewildered by how spot-on Akashi is and it feels surreal and painful. Akashi smiles again, it is hostile and twisted,
"I am right. But do you know what else I know? I know very well that it is not just these 'sad' stories made you uncomfortable because of what they mean about us, about me, but what they imply for you. About you. Being the forever dutiful captain, the natural born saviour, you blame yourself. To you, us losing it after you left, me losing it after you left means you are culpable somehow. And it discomforts you. The moment you learnt these things you started blaming yourself for leaving, for leaving the burden to me. You started pitying me. And that is half the reason why you want to hear the story from my side, you are hoping that I will deny some of these and it will make you feel better, or even if I don't deny any of it, at least me being me will assure you that it had nothing to do with you. Your whole deal about hearing the story from my side is rather self-righteous and carefully ignores the part about how desperate you are subconsciously to relieve yourself of any burden."
"No, I... I-"
"And I will unburden you because, how dare you! How dare you! Yes, it all happened. Yes, they see it from their own point of view and I see it from my own and things look different but facts don't change; yes, I said 'crazy' things and did 'crazy' things, but really? You really think you could stop us from unfolding like that? You really think your presence could save us? How dare you! Surely, if we had more support, it would have been easier but it would not change the end result. Because it was not the cause in the first place. You were not the reason we became what we became and how we became it. Do you or do they have any idea about the kinds of burdens I had carried all my life, beyond the realm of basketball that you are all so sure about your centrality in my life and changes? That I became what I became, I went through the things I went through, solely and exclusively because of basketball? Because of you all? How dare you! I do not need your or their pity or saving. If anything, I tried to save them. In my own way and perhaps it was distorted, perhaps it was unnerving at times. But I tried and I am not sorry for that. I am sorry for hurting them but... they hurt me too. Even if you had stayed, the only change would be that you would be hurt and we would hurt you too. And now, now it is too late already. If you think I am something you can fix, you are only insulting me. That's all."
It feels as if he is shell shocked. There had been times in the past when they were just children that Akashi would be angry, but they were so few, so rare and it always would turn light-hearted the moment he realised Nijimura's presence and observance. The redhead almost showed the utmost courtesy and gravity to his captain.
This, Nijimura realises, is the first time he has seen Akashi angry, truly enraged. It is nothing like his own red hot fury that easily flames and is easily extinguished; instead Akashi's anger is almost chilling cold in its appearance but it is there and one can realise how deep and immense it is. No flames but smouldering and one can feel how complicated it is, how it will not resolve after an outburst but continue on consuming its owner... He would have wanted to be able to reject the accusations thrown at him but he is confused at hearing them because they sound plausible; he rarely interrogates his own motivations before thinking or acting on something and he is uncertain now. Akashi could be right. Akashi is probably right. This pains him the most and he is about to blame himself again but realises the irony of it.
Akashi must have too for he sits silent there for one or two seconds, his eyes frigid and rigidly defiant despite their warm colours, his hands grip strongly on his notebook and his knuckles have long gone pale white, his lips tighten as if trying to keep some more words from spilling out... Then he stands up abruptly,
"Now that you know, I hope you do not even try to save me or pity me. I am accomplished at keeping my demons away now and I will not deny Tetsuya has partially contributed to that, but it does not mean they are gone. I am capable of things that would disturb you greatly, so unless you would like to witness them, don't you dare try to save me or pity me. Have a nice day."
Nijimura watches Akashi's back as the man walks away, not stomping or running, his pace not too slow and not too fast. He is as graceful as ever from a distance and Nijimura cannot help but wonder just how... How can he confine so much heat, so many thoughts, so many emotions, so much terror yet keep coldly calm and walk away so gracefully, nonchalantly...
And as Akashi's back becomes blurry after a certain distance, Nijimura exhales a breath he has not realised holding...
Akashi for his part felt bad as well.
He knew this day would come, the moment he had decided to not share meeting Nijimura with rest of their common circle of friends, he knew what it would lead to. He had decided to be blunt about it, there was no other way for him to handle a situation as such. But honestly he had not planned to feel so angry, he had not planned for his voice to be so cutting like a knife nor his words to be so deeply infused with poison and disgust. Most importantly he could not fathom or rather he chose not to fathom, how much of his anger was directed specifically at Nijimura and how much of it was directed at something else, somebody else... inside him.
...
...
Three days pass in absolute self-agony for Nijimura and despite his best efforts to simply ignore the matter, he cannot. Akashi is right, he has always been too dutiful and ready to martyr himself for others and he is too ready to do it again now: take the burden and the blame of all that went wrong. It is in itself wrong though, it is self-righteous, it is grandiose in its fake humility and Nijimura cannot stomach it.
He had no choice to leave then and he knows very well even if he knew things would turn the way they did, he would have still left; he had to, it was his father, his family, his most important ones. He cared for his teammates but it had a limit. Selflessness could be selfish and selective.
What hurts him the most is the realisation of the scope of Akashi's solitude... He had always known that Akashi was lonely and it came with his particular family background and character, but to know that Akashi felt so alone and at times alienated even amongst his friends, especially so with his friends... Was it the recent proximity of flesh and emotion they recently shared that caused Nijimura to be especially vexed by this revelation?
Perhaps.
Perhaps not.
All he knew was that he would never forget that cold stare, the glare of an alpha wolf affirming its superiority and the loneliness that came with it. Not even the tone of his voice or his stance or his hands or his eyes or his lips betrayed him – not a single clue of weakness. Was he truly so strong even in his anger, even in facing his own very real devils? Or was he an astonishing actor?
The fourth day, Nijimura had to visit his family and stayed with them till Sunday and even if his mind was clear of Akashi during the day when everyone went to sleep at night, his mind wandered off to Akashi and various things related to Akashi... His physical frustration was also shameless in its remembrance of the redhead, all the passionate details of pleasure and of the languid calm that always followed...
On Sunday he finds himself in campus again and this time it is on a whim but he curses himself inside a little for it being such a stupid wish and why is he so stuck anyway, he swears to himself that if Akashi is not around, and in all honesty it is very unlikely for him to be – school year has not even started, he will call that young lady from the History department and make out with her, because though her persistence in emailing him had turned him off a little, he is feeling frustrated in many ways more than one and it would be a great distraction though he will have to make sure to convey the informality and temporary nature of his inclination to her this time. He had thought it was obvious the first time, but looking at the number of emails he has received afterwards that does not seem to be the case.
Against all odds though, he recognises Akashi. His crimson hair shines an alluring fiery red and from a distance it is like a blazing halo; Michael... He remembers Michael was the warrior one, "or was it Uriel?" he ponders for a second. But no, Michael was the greatest general of them all. If Akashi was an archangel, he would be Michael. It would suit him. Nijimura pauses to dispel his stupid thoughts and moves towards the redhead, he has no idea what to say, for he had been almost sure that he would not be able to come across him. Still he moves, like a moth attracted to the flame...
Before he even faces him Akashi is somehow aware of his presence, he turns, there is no familiar glint of welcome this time but a disinterested "why are you even here?" communicated silently with only a look and Nijimura is surprised he himself can manage to look so unperturbed against such a spiteful gaze.
"Hello there."
"Hello."
"Can I sit with you a bit?"
Akashi sighs and puts his little notebook away, he was writing again; what is it this time? Probably another speech? From the looks of it his insomnia has not been cured. There are these dark semi circles underneath his eyes that look ominous on his youthful face.
"I am assuming this means yes?"
"What is it that you need from me?"
"Um, nothing exactly. I..."
"You?"
"I just wanted to say sorry."
"That seems to happen rather frequent with you towards me, isn't it? And here I thought you were probably a person who had a hard time saying sorry."
Ouch. Now that hits right where it counts and is very true. Nijimura swallows and is again surprised that he can be so tenacious in facing Akashi, against such words dripping poison...
"You are right. This does not change that I am sorry though."
"Why would you be sorry though? You did not do anything wrong."
Ouch. Because Nijimura is well aware that the insinuation here is what Nijimura has been hitting himself hard with: he really did not do anything per se, neither when they argued nor when he left them to themselves at Teikō. It is this self-blaming over something he had nothing to do with that caused them to come to this point in the first place. He exhales, saying, "yes I know I did nothing" would not work here.
"I am sorry because you were right in that I felt self-righteously and with an unwarranted dutifulness and self-blame that would indicate grandiosity... which as you correctly put before is insulting. Though I must admit it was mostly my subconscious."
"Such a surprise, so you can use smart words when you want to?"
He glares, because that was unwarranted too.
"Can't you take me seriously?"
"Do you want to be taken seriously? Why did you come? Why do you want to talk to me?"
"Because I care for you! Because we are friends!"
"Are we?"
"I would like to think we are. I would want us to be. I thought we were."
"Even after knowing how I am?"
There's a brutal honesty and curiosity in the question that is uncharacteristic and unexpected and causes Nijimura to falter a second which is fatal because it immediately causes a smile on Akashi's face... A grin that is like a well sharpened knife.
"If you think you can fix me, you are wrong. If you think you are going to share my assumed pain or fury and redeem yourself of your nonexistent past sins for leaving us, you are wrong. And honestly, you were wrong to even come here after what I said last to you because I was not just casually threatening you then, I was stating what would certainly do if you made such a step."
"But I did not."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. I..."
He pauses and Akashi is about to speak again and realising this he does something that is probably very stupid and risky but he does not think at that moment: he puts his palm over Akashi's mouth,
"Can you please... Just give me a moment and let me speak. I... I thought about you and this but I did not actually think about what to say to you... Just let me speak."
The moment he had touched Akashi, all hairs on his body had felt an electric current, he has been in enough fights to recognise the feeling of danger and he had felt it but the second words started spilling off his mouth, somehow Akashi is appeased even if only momentarily, his breathing is calm against his palm and when he moves his hand away Akashi does not move at all, he is calm and listening,
"It is in my character to worry for those around me and regard myself responsible for them even when it is not true. I was a child. You were children. Even if I stayed nothing would change, I know that. I will still wonder about 'what if's though, because it is in my character. But I acknowledge it is particularly useless and even insulting here and I will try my best not to. Do I think I can fix you? No. In the first place, I am not sure if you need fixing. Are you suicidal? Do you harm yourself? Do you harm anybody around you? Perhaps you did once, I don't know, but I don't think you are now. And I have known you, seen you intimately enough to know that. So I am fine. I am fine if you have demons; we all do. Is it abnormal? Is it normal? Who cares. Who decides what is normal? We could take you to a doctor and they could cite some fancy DSM entry as some disorder for you, but then two decades ago they would do the same for both you and me simply for sleeping with each other despite both being male. Their diagnoses are probably more flimsy than our own perceptions of ourselves. I do not want to fix you, because I do not think you need to be fixed, unless you think you do and if you did, I would help you if you let me. But only if you let me. I... I do not want to be your friend or senpai because I want to redeem myself or to fix you. I want to be your friend because I already regard myself as your friend. Because we already share a lot, perhaps too much. So that's it. That really is all there is to it..."
He exhales and closes his eyes. Two things could happen now; either Akashi is placated by his words, or he is not and something in him claims that the latter option could be more dangerous than it seems... Nothing happens though. Pure silence except twittering of morning birds. When he opens his eyes, Akashi is looking at him with a profound interest in his asymmetric orbs of crimson and gold, he does not even try to hide this peculiar focus,
"Yes?"
"I was thinking that you are quite interesting Nijimura-san."
Nijimura responds with an intentionally sarcastic tone,
"Really, now?"
"Really." Akashi replies and gives a tiny smile and it is not threatening at all, it is not sharp and cutting, it is not full of contempt; on the contrary it signals amusement which at first perplexes Nijimura more than bringing him relief and happiness. He is unable to give a proper reaction, so Akashi continues,
"I am not suicidal nor do I perform self-harm nor do I physically and intentionally harm anybody around me."
"Good."
"There was a time I was not as good at keeping my demons though. But you are right, for similar reasons I have no faith in what they call psychiatry or psychology. More importantly, even if I did, it would simply be unthinkable for a person of my status to seek their help. We are not in America here, it is not trendy for you to have your own therapist and even in the US nobody of my stature would dare share the demons like mine with a therapist... In case it leaks. They leak you know, despite all that confidentiality crap."
Again, Akashi rarely curses and this only makes it blunter and stronger when he actually does. Nijimura is always intrigued hearing him curse.
"I kind of guessed it..."
"I do not blame others for fearing me for it though. They had every reason to. They tried to help in their own ways, I am sure. As you put it, we were all children."
"I am sure they don't blame you either... Well, may be that Takao guy."
Akashi almost chuckles at that or rather Nijimura thinks he chuckled because his lips move and a small "huh" is heard but no actual laughter.
"By the way, you did not mention my romantic orientation but I do not regard it as an issue of my mental state in the first place."
"You are insulting me now. I would never even think of that... It is a perfectly healthy nature."
"I am glad you are aware of it. But your ease in uttering that tells me something."
"What do you mean?"
"Are you so used to it now because we slept a few times or because you have ventured outside and tried it for yourself as well finally?"
"What are you exactly referring to?"
"Sexuality and love. How they are not necessarily connected in terms of causation. How it is okay to not to love, but also to enjoy the sex if needed?"
"How did you even come to that conclusion? You are scaring me."
"Interesting, again. You are not scared of me when you should be but you are scared of me when you have no reason to be."
"I have experience in violent tendencies and that allows me to act irrationally brave at times."
"I am curious how you ended up not dying because of such audacity."
"I am too, sometimes."
"So?"
Nijimura sighs and reclines,
"I went out drinking once, after we wrapped up our project and this... This woman came on to me."
"A student of our fine university?"
"Yes."
"Nice, I am always fond of women going boldly and claiming their sexuality."
"Me too..."
"Hmm... She is from History department? Petite, no more than 155 centimetres in height? Cute with a bob cut light brown hair?"
"You are freaking me out a little. I am going to ask this once and for all, are you a clairvoyant?"
Akashi smiles, his gaze wanders away a little, as if he is recalling something, Nijimura is sure this is a question that has been asked numerous times,
"And I will answer you once and for all, I am not. This especially was very simple; she was there you know."
"There where?"
"When we went out? You remember, the first night you strayed from the right path and ended up spending the night with me? She was there at the gathering at first and she checked you out and sized you up with her eyes all that time."
"Oh really? I never realised she was there. Wow, is she a stalker? Now this kind of creeps me out. By the way, the so-called 'right path' is overrated and boring as hell if what we did constitutes straying away from it."
Akashi chuckles again and Nijimura realises finally all his anxiety and worries have completely faded away because the small laughter he hears is content and honest, Akashi is feeling better, he is feeling better, this is overall better.
"I would have to agree. But then I do not truly believe in right paths or wrong paths in the first place."
"What do they call people like you? Machiavellian?"
"Depends on the context, everyone contests descriptions in those fields. Perhaps you should have been a Political Science Major?"
"God hell no, I would be bored to death. Even the bit I had to learn to be admitted to university killed me."
"You are smart though, you grasp fast and you understand easily. You rarely forget what has captured your attention once."
"I sure am. But mostly my proximity to you proves I am not that ignorant on that aspect I guess. I think nobody could ever become close to you in any way if they did not understand at least basics of politics."
"Am I that horrible?"
"No, you are that complicated."
"Is that supposed to be bad?"
"No, it is not. Especially so for a simple person like me. It can be fascinating, though also challenging."
"I think you are underestimating yourself."
"No need to be so polite, I must be extremely simple from where you are standing."
It is the truth but uttering it would be impolite and Akashi, on a whim, wishes not to be impolite at that moment (and he secretly commends Nijimura on his brutal honesty regarding his own shortcomings and Akashi's own grandeur, the older male has always been such, aware of his own weakness and even if envy blossoms in him, never to let it poison his words or behaviour – it is a sign of great character, the redhead believes). So Akashi returns their subject back to its origin,
"So, you slept with her?"
"Yes."
"Was it fun?"
"Yes."
"But you did not love her?"
"I did not even like her... I mean she looked nice. Now that I think about it, I acted extremely superficial. I did not even take her to my apartment you know, I took her to a love hotel."
"That is unexpected of you. But superficiality in sexuality is normal, all animals perform it as such."
"But we are not mere animals."
"True, but we are animals. It does not hurt if both parties are aware and consenting."
"True... But I feel she might have had other ideas. She emailed me afterwards."
"That is disconcerting."
"Yes..."
Nijimura abruptly laughs then, it is a little dry, nevertheless honest, Akashi is puzzled,
"What?"
"It is funny how you take it so neutrally, anybody else would yell at me for being so shameless and shallow, overall vile. But you find it 'disconcerting' that she and I might have different expectations. And that's all."
"And if you asked them exactly why it is vile, they probably would not be able to explain. And it is something upsetting and problematic if two people engage in an action together but regard it in completely different terms. I hope she understands. Assuming you are not thinking of pursuing a relationship with her, you could if you wanted. You are single. She is willing."
"But I don't love her."
Akashi smiles,
"I thought you recently told me one does not have to be in a relationship for romance solely?"
"True but I don't even know her... Why enter a relationship with a stranger? Just because she looks pretty? That seems to me shallower than having a consenting and willing one-night-stand with her. A relationship may not necessarily require romance but it requires other things. Plus..."
"Plus?"
"I realised that it is different when you have sex with somebody you know and trust versus when you have sex with somebody you don't know and thus you do not trust."
"Hmm..."
"It is different. There is less intimacy and there are risks which you cannot help but be aware. Perhaps others are not like that... Perhaps it is just me."
"Perhaps, but I do understand what you are saying. Especially in my case, it is always risky and troublesome. They can come to me with various intents."
"I am sure you are able to deal with them skilfully but it must be tough. It would be tough for me. Hell I even panicked a little the first time I saw her message me and then I felt bad for panicking and having had sex with her too a bit..."
"Do you regret?"
"No, I think it was a good experience."
"Will you do it again?"
Nijimura pauses a second and realisation dawns upon him, he can feel his blood warming and speeding its pace in his veins,
"Not with her. No. What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Did you randomly sleep with strangers in Europe?"
"I went to a club once, in Amsterdam of all places. It was uncomfortable to be honest, the man I grabbed at the end of the night treated me as though I was an exotic species. I cannot stand to that, such a turn off. I ended up only flogging him and then leaving him to himself."
"And when you say flogging, you mean it literally?"
Akashi's tone is almost surprised,
"Obviously."
Nijimura laughs at that because it is funny and he can imagine Akashi flogging somebody and normally it would be sexy (and he can imagine himself being flogged by Akashi and the thought is definitely very sexy), however this particular image of a poor man only to be left to his own at the end, unfulfilled... It is just extremely amusing for some reason.
"Does the thought entertain you?"
"It is just funny. Poor guy."
"Well, he deserved it. In fact, he was the one who initially suggested flagellation, not that I am not fond of it."
This only intensified Nijimura's chuckling and a devilish smile crept up Akashi's face in return.
"God... so, what will you do? Will you continue having such affairs?"
"I will have to do what I always do. I cannot help but crave sex, I am a sexual being. I will find proper partners for casual sex."
"But it is risky."
"It is, unfortunately, but as you said I am able to deal with it, skilfully."
"But it is tiring and vexing."
"That it is, but what are you trying to point at?"
"Myself."
Now that was rather blunt and even though Akashi had seen that coming, he had not particularly thought it would be thrown at him so curtly.
"You cannot be serious."
"Why not?"
"Are you gay?"
"I don't know. Never thought of it. I am probably bisexual considering I slept with a woman pretty recently too. And I had fun. And I have fun when I am with you."
"Makes sense."
"What are you? By the way, I never asked you, did I?"
"I am pansexual, basically I can sleep with any other consenting adult as long as I find them worthy. But I must admit my partners are most frequently men."
"Then I am fair game?"
"Do you want to be fair game? You know I am not capable of romantic love."
"I did not ask for you to love me nor did I say I loved you."
"So you do not love me but you want to have sex with me?"
Because the best way to counter such raw honesty was equivalent raw honesty and this actually made Nijimura waver a little inside, he has never talked to someone like this, any other time an unruly blush would conquer his face, this time he valiantly defends himself against it and maintains his partially amused, partially wooing face calm,
"Yes."
"Okay, but why me? I am not asking the other way around because it is obvious this is profitable for me: you are saying you do not love me and I am certain it is the truth. I would be able to tell if it was a lie. It is also doubtlessly true that it is very risky for me to sleep around with strangers but you are somebody I can trust. However, why would you want to sleep with me? Especially since you have slept with women all your life? Since you have just confirmed that fact and further affirmed that you can sleep with them even if you do not even like them and have fun doing it too?"
"For the same reason you yourself said: trust."
"Could you elaborate?"
"Are you trying to embarrass me out of it? Because it won't work. And you must already know why, being not-clairvoyant clairvoyant."
Akashi smiles, how Nijimura manages to amuse him so easily is a miracle in itself, really,
"Perhaps I would like to hear you confess to it so that it is a proper deal and acknowledgement?"
"Fine. I trust you and the fact that I trust you allows me to be more comfortable with you than I would be with anybody else. I am able to better ascertain what you would prefer and what you would not. I know your limits better and you know mine. I can be confident of our privacy. I like you as a person and as a friend too, so it does not bother me to wake up next to you. And frankly, you are good at it."
"At what?"
"Now this is childish."
"Are you so prude?"
"I would not be saying those things if I was a prude."
"Does it feel threatening to your masculinity?"
"God, Akashi, you just won't stop until I admit it out loud right?! Yes, you are good at sex. You are damn good at it. And I don't care if you are a man or a woman because I enjoyed it. A lot."
Akashi chuckles at that,
"That wasn't too hard."
"You are incredibly cheeky at times and this is actually unbelievable. Do others know of this?"
"I think Tetsuya might..."
Kuroko... Nijimura remembers what he thought and swallows it, no, he cannot say it now, the time has passed for it, he could have uttered it perhaps before when they were still arguing but now they are good and they may become even better so there is no reason to pronounce it and endanger things but his silence and gaze wandering blankly at horizon already exposes the truth to Akashi without Nijimura even realising it.
"You... have realised it?"
"Realised what?"
Akashi smiles. It is small. It is a little sad. But it is not tragic or anything. It is knowing more than anything else. Nijimura blinks a few times. He wonders how Akashi recognised it. Perhaps he really is a clairvoyant.
"Maybe? I am not sure what you are referring to..."
"But you are. I am referring to Tetsuya. You realised he was the one."
"The one..."
Nijimura ponders, it is not that he is asking actually,
"So it is my turn to spell it out? I am not timid about it actually, even if I had guarded it a secret for his own good and peace of mind."
"You don't have to."
"We were children."
"I know..."
"I thought he was like me. Turns out he was not; he was capable of love, of romantic love that is. Turns out he just could not express it because he was late on puberty and had not found the right person. Turns out his natural demeanour is a little cold and he is awkward about showing his affections."
"I see."
"You are scowling again."
"Am I?"
"Do I need to repeat things?"
"I am not pitying you!"
It's so forceful, an honest and strong declaration, almost a warning, it makes Akashi smile, albeit that it is small smile, the one that is a little sad, not tragic or anything, and knowing more than anything else,
"I see."
"I am just sad that it did not work out for you I guess."
"I am... not sad, I think. Frustrated and disappointed, definitely. Especially when I see him with Taiga."
"They are inseparable. And obvious."
"Aren't they? It is painful to know that I was..."
Mistaken – he cannot say it, there is no way he can say that cursed word, so he changes his wording,
"It is painful to know that he is so obviously nothing like me. He is deeply in love with Kagami. I am happy for them, in my own way I guess."
"Do you wish to possess him?"
"Perhaps. I may be lacking romantic feelings but I was brought up to be very possessive. I am possessive over my friends and things I like. I am possessive about him. But if I wanted to actually posses him, I would possess him."
The last phrase brings a chill to Nijimura's spine not only because of its content but certainty and he knows surely that it is the truth. If Akashi wanted, he would posses Kuroko.
"But you cannot posses people's he hearts and minds and souls, Nijimura-san. You can posses their bodies, their physical beings, their lives perhaps even. You could create the illusion that you possessed their hearts and minds and souls, the Stockholm Syndrome, coercive persuasion, indoctrination... whatever. But you can never truly ensure, you can never trust, you can never be certain; they might just wake up one day and realise the lie underneath it. It is subjective. It is abstract. It is only ever a belief and never empirical knowledge. And when it is revealed for the lie it is, you will only be left with misplaced loyalty and an incredible pain and agony. I could never inflict such on somebody I am fond of. I never wanted to."
Though his words come almost clinical, his voice monotonous, his face expressionless, Nijimura sees a compassionate and soft gaze shining towards an empty spot on campus; there is disappointment in it but also fondness.
Is he imagining Kuroko?
Is he seeing him?
The moment feels so intimate, Nijimura is a little awkward about it; he has never felt this intimate with Akashi even when the redhead cried his name and moaned loudly in his arms as they drowned in passions of flesh. It is strange. But it is beautiful. When his hand reaches to the soft cheek and his thumb caresses the alabaster skin now tanned to a pretty darker tone by the many months of unwavering sunlight, Akashi closes his eyes, only perhaps for one third of a second... Nijimura barely sees it and it is almost looks like a blink but it is not, because when Akashi turns his face back to him the previous gaze in his eyes has disappeared already and his stoic face has adorned a tiny, cheeky, and amused smile.
"It is a deal."
"Are you sure?"
"Why? Did you think reminiscing about Tetsuya would change my current situation and needs or wants?"
"Well no... But..."
"Unless you changed your mind? I would never coerce you into it."
"I know and I was the one who suggested it. I am all in."
"All in..." Akashi repeats and snickers, he backs out a little and Nijimura's hand falls down awkwardly, Akashi stands up, his small smile unperturbed,
"Then, Nijimura-san, please send an email with the list of your favourite kinks and absolute turn-offs. This would be helpful in that it would be an open confession and acceptance of our respective limits. I will be in your care. Thanks in advance."
Nijimura is bewildered at the tone and statement, especially after such an intimate and sentimental moment but before he can collect himself to form a coherent sentence, Akashi has already turned his back and started to walk away...
Akashi Seijūrō is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.
(but perhaps there is a key?)