What do you give as a present to a person who has or can have anything and everything?
It is an insoluble issue and Nijimura has spent too much time on it than he can afford considering the way he is rushing between classes and the work at the lab. Still, Akashi's birthday is close by and he is not sure how or why but the idea of giving something to the redhead has recently bored itself in his brain, his mind wanders off to the topic unconsciously.
What can you buy to a person who has enough wealth to acquire any item that can be bought?
After a particularly hot and heavy bout of lovemaking which left both of them exhausted to the degree that Akashi has fallen asleep in minutes, under the dim light of the moon Nijimura watches the delicate features of the young man sleeping near him and feels inadequate. He has felt inadequate near him countless times before, but it is different now; it is not about what he has and Nijimura does not or cannot in terms of talent, he has more or less accepted it maturely all his life. Now that he can relate to him in different ways, or rather he wants to relate to him on a more intimate level, it is a more staggering, brand new feeling of deficiency that hatches in his heart with sinister speed.
For it is not about money; if only he had some skill, any skill to create something. A musician or an artist or an author would never have such trouble with Akashi; they wouldn't have to buy something for him, they could simply make something for him. But he is absolutely talentless, during his childhood the strength of his punches and his indestructible stamina on the court have made him a name of sorts but then Akashi was probably better in fighting and surely so in basketball, he had to admit, not that either could lead to any meaningful gift.
Now that he thought of it, honestly, he had nothing to offer Akashi in any form; it was a miracle in itself that he was allowed to be his bed partner in the first place. Probably due to the absence of anyone else with such convenient conditions had helped him come this far but how long could this continue? He was never meant to stand near Akashi Seijūrō after all, they had never been truly equal.
What do you do when you realise that you have absolutely nothing to put forth for the one you love but your love itself and that person may not necessarily be interested in it?
Brooding did not lead to any results as he had expected but only bestowed sleepless nights upon him as though it was needed; the only silver lining to his days had been his little brother's recovery from the darned flu that had caught him greedily for weeks. Self-hate continued till the eighteenth when he had a miraculous realisation during breakfast:
Having more money in this situation would not help him precisely because anything he could buy, Akashi could as well. Similarly, even if he had the talent of an artist, unless he was a Picasso, any product he put forth would not interest Akashi much.
So, as pitiful as it sounds, there was no way to satisfy Akashi's standards anyway; perhaps the correct way out of this depressing predicament was to simply accept this fact and give Akashi, himself. Well, not with a red tape and all, such corny kinks were definitely not to their liking, but more in the sense that he could offer his company, like he had always. Considering how lonely Akashi mostly was and how their relationship in itself had born out of some primal need to leave behind that very solitude, giving him his presence would be the only and the best possible present.
"I am sorry but there will be a formal party for my birthday in Tokyo, my father has requested it; he regards it to be my début, rather old-fashioned but not uncommon in our social circles. I am not sure when it will wrap up."
Great.
The last day of the Winter Term was December 22nd, so he thought to spend any days left focused on work and studies and somehow even managed to; by the evening of December 20th, he came home terribly tired after having slept only four hours the night before and having worked and studied all day till 8 pm.
Thanks to the insatiable clutches of work and school, his mind was spared from agonising over Akashi but now that he is alone in his apartment with nothing to do and a body and mental faculties thoroughly depleted, traces of yearning and questions of insecurity start to languidly reappear in his head. Deciding that the best way to counter this assault on his already wasted psyche is sweet inebriation, he spends his night drinking cheap beer. By about 11 pm though, the unthinkable happens; he receives a call from Akashi.
"Nijimura-san, I thought you would be awake. You are at home?"
"Yeah."
"Have you been drinking? You sound a little tipsy."
"You got that from just 'yeah'?"
"Yes?"
"Hmm I shouldn't be surprised if you knew even before I uttered anything huh... Yeah, I've been drinking."
"Would you like company?"
"What about your birthday party?"
"I've just wrapped it up."
"Fine then, come over."
Nijimura hangs up and blinks in silence a few times, unsure of what the hell has just happened and fully incapable of assessing whether he has made a good or bad decision.
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Throughout his birthday party Akashi greeted 32 people individually and personally. It was not random: these were the crème de la crème. The elites of the elites whom Akashi had to get along and acquaint himself well with if he was to succeed in his professional life. Others' sociopolitical worth did not deserve a personal introduction and were instead either dealt polite nods from afar or had to be satisfied with the general greeting he had given at the beginning of the party to all their guests. He also made a short speech after his birthday cake was cut. It was tiring and tedious but most importantly, it was obnoxious and repulsive.
He has gotten used to these type of events, has been attending them since he was a child, but being the centre of attention not just out of the nature of the great name he held (and his peculiarly perfect self) and instead officially being the topic of the night only increased the putridity of the whole affair for him. He was surrounded by them; constant strategies of backstabbing in making, whispered gossips and veiled envy, greedy gazes and pitiful obsessions... For a person who had the ability to see clearly beyond what people expressed, there lay an enormous filth in the souls and lives and very existences of the rich. Akashi, was unfortunately the owner of perhaps the sharpest and the most piercing gaze there was. He dealt with all of them courteously but his accumulating disgust increased his inner bloodlust.
Ah how lovely would it be to crush them all?
There were all kinds of criminals across such a high profile crowd; they looked pristine, prim and proper in their opulent attires and the insides of their hearts and minds were dirtier than the gutters. The most repulsive was the fact that they would never be locked behind bars, for they were too affluent and powerful. Akashi felt nauseous at times in their presence though his politesse never faltered, his violent inclinations seethed within his own abyss in pure silence.
Castrate the serial sexual offenders, steal everything from the most rapacious of thieves, expose the corrupt officials, bankrupt the avaricious misers, buy out the proud tycoons, and slaughter the murderers.
He was no Robin Hood though, he was no saviour, no revolutionary, no hero; regardless, it did not hurt to fantasise the demise of these pitiful vermin.
He could almost feel the stains of blood on his palm, legacy of the man whose hand he shook earlier the night, head of an internationally renown 'security services provider', or in other words modern day mercenaries, legitimated contract killers with an euphemistic title. How the man had smiled thinly and gracefully as they made small talk; voice so smooth, words fluid, Akashi wondered, did this man utter torture orders as easily?
Probably.
The kinds of people he came into contact with at these kinds of parties were the kinds of people society deemed and hailed as the best and in reality were the worst, scum of the scum. Thus, he felt sullied and corrupted as he spent time with them and his demons were always particularly enticed with his rising disgust, his more childish self equally amused and irked...
Only half an hour later though, as his hand knocks the door, for he hated using doorbells, his pale knuckles almost feel cleansed touching the old wooden door of the tiny apartment that belonged to Nijimura. If he could only stay with the brunette all the time, if he could have only spent the evening with him... Nijimura soothes him, even tames his demons; they are quite fond of him as they can clearly see a kindred ferocity inside those chilling grey eyes but they are peaceful and oft-times silent for there is neither a threat nor any decadence, depravity near his senpai.
Nijimura opens the door later than usual and is looking absolutely adorable with his inky locks messed, lucid eyes heavily clouded with intoxication, sleeveless black t-shirt revealing the well defined muscles of his arms, a pair of beige capri pants that are (unfortunately) not tight enough to grasp his form fully, and there is this tiny little scowl, a definite trademark only turned a little more juvenile than usual now. It is hard not to giggle indulgently at the sight but Akashi manages.
He does not even ask if he could come in for it is given, he simply walks in with a soft "Pardon my intrusion."
"Is that a bottle in your hand?" Nijimura asks trailing him behind, not that the path is long, his whole room is no more than a couple of steps in length anyway; Akashi sits comfortably under the kotatsu, as he expected it is incredibly warm, explains why Nijimura is fine with such thin clothing in the middle of December. He also starts taking off his suit jacket and tie as he answers the question nonchalantly,
"Yes. A 2009 Château Lafite Rothschild."
"Wine?" the brunette inquires as he grabs the bottle and starts analysing its prime packaging, it seems expensive.
"Yes, since we both like red wine quite a bit."
"Hmm... This looks expensive."
"Not particularly; I guess it's only about 140 000 yen?"
Nijimura almost drops the bottle but secures it again in his hands with a skilful catch,
"Are you kidding?! Wait... Don't answer that. Of course, you're not kidding. Wow, this will probably the most expensive wine I'll ever taste huh?"
"Not necessarily; if you drop by our estate in Kyoto one day, I would love to let you try a few real legends from our cellar."
"That is an alluring invitation..." he mumbles as Akashi rises to grab the bottle from him, moving towards the kitchen counter that lined the other side of the room, probably to find a corkscrew, Nijimura simply reclines onto the wall behind him and watches the other's figure under the dim light of the room; he has already shed his suit near the kotatsu, his immaculate white dress shirt is the sole thing on him bar his underwear, pale and muscular legs look relatively thin yet sturdy and slightly hairy beneath his knees but his thighs are bare... His shoulders and back are not wide but his posture is absolutely perfect that he looks larger than life despite his average build. Still, most importantly, his hair is bewitching; its crimson colour emphasised by the whiteness occupying rest of his figure, its tousled locks only further accentuating its intensity...
In his humble dwelling, Akashi Seijūrō seems utterly out of place yet impeccably familiar and intimate; like a supernatural creature of the night who visits to feed on him after the dark and thus perhaps a figment of his imagination, an enticing fruit of a sweet delirium...
Nijimura blinks, finally rousing from his frivolous dreaming, when Akashi turns with an opened wine bottle in hand, moving back towards the kotatsu, there is a small satisfied smirk on his pink, thin lips; that's how the brunette understands that Akashi is aware. He is well aware of everything, as always. Even when his back was turned, he knew the revering stare he had elicited, perhaps even the precise thoughts that had lingered on Nijimura's mind...
He is not perturbed by this though, not necessarily because intoxication has always brought him a confident nonchalance and surely he is already tipsy; it is essentially because he has always known Akashi to be like this, all-knowing and frighteningly artful, and thus he has grown used to it, rarely ever disturbed by it even if he still finds himself in awe quite often.
Perhaps he even knows that I... No, not just 'perhaps'; he must know.
Nonetheless, it doesn't matter that moment or ever actually, unless Akashi decides to act upon it, so Nijimura exiles the straying thoughts away and brings the bottle he is being offered to his lips... The second his tongue is drenched with the luscious ambrosia, he thinks he has been fooled till now; there is no way one can be truly intoxicated with anything but this.
"It is... perfect."
Akashi takes the bottle to take a sip, after which his tongue moves around in his mouth apparently, perhaps to savour better, Nijimura thinks it looks alluring but then that night he thinks everything about Akashi is alluring... and perhaps not only for that night.
"Mmm... nowhere near perfect but it is good. Very good." he gives the bottle back,
"Well, yeah, sorry Akashi-sama that I am a peasant when it comes to these things."
"The fact that you are a peasant is one of the things I very much cherish in you."
"Is that so? Too bad then you'll dislike me when I graduate and start earning some real dough."
"I don't think I could ever dislike you. Also, considering my wealth and the maximum you could amass in the future, I don't think we have anything to worry about anyway."
It would perhaps count as conceited scorn to anyone else, but in truth there is not a shred of insult or belittlement in the statement and both are fully aware of it; Nijimura is painfully so, for it tugs on his heartstrings, he cannot help but feel special, hope to be special for the redhead... It is true his material wealth will never be anywhere near Akashi's nor is there any need to; he does not want the wealth, he wants the man.
The smile on those gracefully thin lips is so sincere, so beautiful, so amused, and being all in one so rare that Nijimura cannot contain himself, he leans in and kisses softly – both their lips are stained with wine, it feels acutely intoxicating and he is not sure whether it is the alcohol he has been consuming or Akashi. He can faintly smell champagne on the young man's body since he is so close.
"Hmm... You've been drinking too?"
"Obviously. It is my birthday. I was at my birthday party as you know. I did not drink much though. I never drink much in such soirées, you have to watch out for yourself very carefully."
Nijimura realises clearly the tinge of bitterness in the last few words and he can guess that Akashi is not simply referring to manners; if he pushed on this point, however, it would only ire the redhead. Thus, he continues on unperturbed, deftly ignoring the last part, though a ludicrous wish to be thoroughly wasted together in this shared solitude has already fully blossomed in his chest;
"Considering you decided to ditch them and come here be bored and lazy with me, it must have been one hell of a party."
"Lazy, perhaps, but I disagree with the bored part; it is never boring with you..."
He feels pain pierce through him with sweet pleasure.
"Please don't say anything else..." his voice is almost pleading as he buries his face to Akashi's neck and sniffs silently, he must look pathetic, but then everyone at all times must look pathetic to Akashi; how can his unyielding self-confidence crumble in front of this young man so easily at times?
It is not out of Akashi's grandness, he has always known it and faced it with his confidence intact; but there is something about the subtle affection he is being bestowed that he cannot deal with because he is unsure, everything is so uncertain, and he is so afraid to ask the question that could make it certain... So afraid that the certainty they will bring will be the one he does not wish. He is not used to a fear of this kind, it vexes him.
So Akashi falls into silence and Nijimura is grateful for it. Moments pass in perfect silence, they take turns sipping from the bottle, only melody resonating within the confines of his room is their quiet breathing. He is glad that only one lamp near the kitchen counter is on, he much prefers this bleary dimness now and it soothes him just as silence does. Then, moments later, he remembers,
"Happy Birthday..." he says and despite his inebriated state words come out crystal clear,
"Thank you Nijimura-san." the little emperor replies, raising his right hand to slowly caress the tousled locks of the man still leaning onto him, they are like pitch black shards between his slim, pale fingers...
And the hour has long passed midnight, they are both aware.
They drink the bottle to the last drop and fall asleep together under the kotatsu. As he drifts into the sleep with a content smile, Akashi silently thanks again, Nijimura does not hear having lost his consciousness already, somehow though he shudders a little and tightens his embrace around his friend.
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Soon the term ends and school is on holidays, Nijimura travels back home to spend the holidays with his family.
"We got used to American style family Christmases in the US." he mentions in a message the day of his departure and Akashi feels a little amused, because how much of a traditional Christmas can you manage in L.A. of all places?
Akashi's larger family, all the unsavoury and egoistic relatives he has, also come together in Christmas; none are religious and very few are Christian, it is not about religion or family in any case, it is about business. Christmas is an opportune time when everyone has at least a day free of work and it is further away from the end of fiscal term for any resultant stock transactions to be internal trading, yet it is also close enough that the smart ones can deduce what's to come and act accordingly to profit. In addition, his household has been a relentless imitator and lover of Western culture since olden times, thus Christmas fits them even more so to the function, which Akashi finds endlessly amusing and subtly repulsive. The event takes place in their Kyoto mansion every year and he is to leave for it in the morning of the December 24th, the last two days before that he has to spend at other events of Akashi conglomerate. A few corporate Christmas receptions and a few charity events for children in poverty by the very people who are the cause of the poverty and the deep disparity in wealth; it is shamelessly ironic how they play this parade and everyone gobbles it up, especially the media. But then, it is how the system works, that is precisely what the media is for in the first place.
He sends a message to Nijimura on the 24th on his way to Kyoto,
"Is there anything you would like from Kyoto?"
"No." is the curt reply and it somehow entertains Akashi, for he can perceive an underlying "I would like you back" in the single word of negation he received. If he has to admit it, though he will never be made to, he has missed Nijimura. There is a peaceful warmth that radiates off his skin and Akashi relishes it for it is soothing for him – all of him, all his personae. It is not exactly like how when a person misses their romantic lover, probably, he muses; but it is important enough for him. He rarely misses or craves another so it is especially exceptional and it is more about how Nijimura makes him feel, so at home, so serene, so secure, and dare he say so accepted and satisfied... than a passionate yearning to consume the other person emotionally. Not like the fiery longing he reads in amorous sonnets or great tragedies of love. But then why should it be any less important?
Romantic love is overrated, he once again concludes as he arrives to the old city.
He has always been fond of Kyoto, how equally fortunate and unfortunate that Akashi family's main household happens to be here.
The family gathering, both the cocktail and the formal dinner that followed it are extremely debilitating and tiresome. The distant cousins who try and poke around to see a way into the main branch of the family, preferably through marriage, but thank God none dares to even think of themselves as a partner for Akashi Seijūrō. He congratulates himself for the intimidating aura he has perfected over years working so well especially within his own household... Aunts who gossip carelessly as they showcase their expensive jewellery that could pay for the education of a dozen children, uncles who are ogling the female service staff as they make nonchalant discussions about profit margins and tax evasion...
"My equally pitiful and filthy family under the guise of a proud name..." Akashi thinks to himself by the end of the night as he watches over them from a corner, having wrapped up all the necessary greetings and formalities, he can return to his room finally. It is as if he is inhaling polluted air that corrupts and hurts his lungs and cannot wait to move away from them so that he can breath easier again.
It is when is close to his room, he feels a vibration in his pocket; turns out to be a message from Nijimura:
[From: Nijimura-san]
["Happy Xmas. Here is our feast. Be jealous."]
Akashi cannot believe his eyes and that in itself is a very rare occurrence. Apparently Nijimura was not kidding when he said their family got into the holiday spirit thanks to their time spent in the US; there is a Christmas tree all lightened up and adorned with trinkets, there are gift boxes, and there is a lovely dinner on the table, seemingly a fusion of American and Japanese cuisines, a large turkey rests at the centre of it. He smiles and on a whim calls his former captain instead of replying via text,
"You actually did not believe we go all out, did ya?"
"I must admit, no, I did not. It is very interesting, you were in L.A. after all."
"Well, yeah, we were, still Americans are all about Christmas. Plus my dad thought it was a good occasion to strengthen family bonds so he was really into it every time."
"As if you particularly need to strengthen them, considering how close you are..."
"You know even if we are close, it was extremely exhausting... The hospital, other people's attitudes, finances and whatnot... So it was a good idea I think. When dad could make it out of hospital, we actually went to New York City during Christmas time, it is absolutely stunning there during that time of the year..."
"Yeah, I have heard, though I never visited New York in Christmas."
"You should."
"Perhaps... some time."
"How was your day?"
"I am actually at my family's gathering too..."
"Huh? I never thought Akashi family would be into these things... I thought you guys would not pay much attention, since you are traditional..."
"We are traditional but we are also modern and rule an international conglomerate. Plus my family has always been inclined to follow Western traditions."
"Really? That's interesting. You wear yukata at home, your house is pretty much more Japanese than Western, you prefer Japanese food, and you prefer shogi over chess. Since your family is also old money, I thought it was because of your family."
Akashi smiles at the observation, the little things few people catch, Nijimura can even though he often looks so disinterested and oblivious,
"I said my family has been inclined to follow Western traditions, not myself. However, your assumption might have some truth to it, perhaps I prefer the Japanese traditions precisely because of my family."
"Hm, so you guys had a traditional Christmas celebration?"
"Not really. The 'tradition' aspect is more show and indulgence than intention and function, to be honest. It is a more business-like event than a familial gathering. There is a lot to discuss and much benefit in getting together once in a while, Christmas is a good excuse since all can take the day off from work. We just have a formal dinner and talk business. A lot of gossiping."
"You don't even have a Christmas tree or turkey?"
"In general we do but for more formal reasons than festive entertainment, I suppose. We did not have turkey this year though. Our dinner was delicious nevertheless."
"I am sure it was but turkey is a must. By the way, I can cook one hell of a turkey."
"That, I honestly can't believe. I heard it is really hard to cook one."
"Yeah but then there was that one Christmas when we were in L.A. and mum had to stay at hospital and kids craved a classical Christmas feast..."
"So you came through?"
"Exactly. I know only one recipe but I am pretty decent at it."
"Always the dutiful brother. I wouldn't mind tasting your turkey."
"Maybe one day, if you are a good boy..."
"It is a miracle that you haven't gotten yourself hurt yet despite that uncouth mouth of yours."
"Hah, always talking big Akashi-sama. So anyway, was it... fine? The time you had with your family?"
"It was enervating and tedious."
"Well it is your family still..."
"I don't think you would understand it Nijimura-san, blood is thicker only if there is devotion in it."
Nijimura sighs loudly into the receiver and Akashi is sure that the content and veracity of his response has hurt the listener more than the speaker, that is somehow strangely comforting. To know that there is somebody who is actually saddened without any pity by what Akashi has long gotten used to as his reality.
"Mmm... it is a full moon tonight. How fitting. It looks nice."
Akashi moves to the window of his room and shifts the drapes upon the comment that was made probably solely to change the subject, regardless, truthful were the words, the moon is stunning,
"It is exquisite indeed. There is almost no light pollution near our estate so I can even see some starts alongside it. How indifferent to our infinitesimal lives on here, the heavens are just carelessly magnificent..."
"Yeah and you just had to wax poetic, right?"
"It is the way I talk and you are quite fond of it in reality. Aren't you?"
"If it looks that good, you should take me there some time... One can never properly see stars in Tokyo, nor in Kanagawa..."
"Sure, it would be my pleasure..." and the first sincere smile of the night settles firmly on his thin lips, Akashi himself is aware of it, just how he is also painfully aware of the fact that Nijimura deliberately avoided answering.
There is little time left for them it seems, but savouring it would hurt none, would it? Therefore he does exactly that and intends to do exactly that, his eyelids close in peace as he listens to even breathing of Nijimura from the other side of the line.
"When are you coming back?"
"Tomorrow morning."
"You're coming that early? Have an event to attend?"
"Not right away, I have one on the night of 26th. Then I am taking a few days off before New Year's eve. I just want to be at home rather than here."
"I see... Want to meet up? Tomorrow?"
"Won't you be staying with your family?"
"I would like to come back to Tokyo. Too many things to do before Winter Break ends so..."
"That is, if you are going to be back," is the premise that Nijimura does not pronounce, he does not need to, Akashi comprehends it nevertheless, though some part of him wishes he has not for it is an ominous realisation.
"Sure then. I should be home by noon."
"I'll come in the afternoon then?"
"Fine. Would you like to eat out?"
"I could get some groceries on my way? To cook a bit?"
"Thank you. I would appreciate that."
"Sure, no problem. What do you want to eat?"
"Turkey?"
"No way."
"Fine, I was just joking. Anything is okay. I don't mind."
Akashi cannot help but muse; why is it that feelings and actions weigh much more heavily than rhetoric yet can be easily broken with just words? It would take only a few words to bring an end to this little game they are playing, despite how soothing and vital it is for both of them.
He has never wanted for a game to not end and continue on forever, ever so like this... It is childish and he feels truly like a kid who is playing outside, watching the sunset with curiosity and awe yet in constant worry of the inevitable call from his mother for him to return home...
What do you do when the game becomes your home?
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(A/N: Perhaps Nijimura is too sappy here for his usual demeanour, but in my defence, here the timing is such that - after his loss of his father - he is in dire need of building a new and meaningful emotional bond, is especially intrigued and moved by Akashi's lack of strong familial bonds and much prone to be motivated to provide that for our little emperor. Also we do know that he can be quite emotional and sentimental, especially when the whole 'family' card comes into play. Regarding the whole 'beauty gazing' part, it is canon that Nijimura is a menkui, he is very observant about people's looks and I really like that so I wanted to use it as much as I can.
It is also my headcanon that as he grows up Akashi becomes extremely disillusioned and dissatisfied with the wealthy crowd around him. He does not really enjoy their company at all.
This chapter was much easier to edit as it was mainly fluff, the good, sweet kind of fluff Akashi needs. I am happy I wrote it.)