"Why are you hanging out with Shuu?"

Himuro's question is as straightforward as his gaze fearlessly piercing Akashi's face. It takes a lot of guts to look down on Akashi, Nijimura knows very well, but he also knows Himuro very well and the bottomless courage his friend has always carried.

Often ridiculous and completely unnecessary bottomless courage, that is.

"What kind of a question is that?" he interjects and Akashi does not even bother answering anyway.

"You realise that he is not even answering right?"

"He doesn't have to because it is a stupid question."

"I am interested though. He is a loner. Suddenly, your whole life revolves around him and he allows that too? How? Why?"

"We are friends, 's all."

"Friends who are somehow inseparable?"

"Oh you would know something about that right? Since you surely are inseparable from Murasakibara."

The purple haired giant glares lethargically to his former captain then, eyes spelling out "don't pull me into this shit", he is obviously bored and ired – most others seem to be as well, not Himuro though. Himuro is adamant.

And they are only fifteen minutes into their dinner that has turned into an interrogation of Nijimura's privacy and Akashi's personality instead.

"Do not even compare the two." Himuro says, eyes now scrutinising Nijimura.

"Why? Because I'm not like you? I can't have friends I hang out with?"

"Because, he is not like any of us."

Without the context it could even sound like a compliment, but anyone can read the undertone that is dripping poison. No, when Himuro says that Akashi is nothing like them, it means that Akashi is otherworldly different in a peculiarly terrible, abhorrent way. In a way that is both intriguing and definitely no-good for proximity. Others are dead silent – their silence is some kind of complicity in Nijimura's mind.

All this resentful suspicion, why? What did Akashi do to them? Probably something that really screwed with their hearts and minds yet something also incredibly banal.

Nijimura thinks that is one of Akashi's many talents: not to hurt people by physical aggression or long series of mind games (though not that he is incapable of those – he is, terrifyingly so) but subtly destroy them with ease on the court or outside with just a few cutting words. To defeat an opponent so perfectly that they would smoulder with resentment forever.

Exposing the sheer difference in strength in the simplest of ways, in essence humiliating the other party by not targeting to humiliate them at all but by the virtue of the arrant difference in potency between the two sides. It is the worst – for worse than any vainglory is the indifferent proof of absolute superiority.

Perhaps something more too. Who is he kidding, definitely something more because this – this is Himuro. They are so painfully different in such subtle ways. Towards Akashi, Himuro is probably only capable of feeling interest and respect from a distance but only natural spite if in proximity.

How easy the victory and glory and power come to Akashi and how difficult they have always been to reach for Himuro. How Akashi is almost alien to the taste of defeat and Himuro is so intimately aware and experienced with that bitterness in many ways in and outside of the court.

Himuro.

His beautiful friend who contains more compassion in his heart than Mother Theresa, Nijimura believes. His beautiful friend who always befriends the weak and the odd ones and stands as their guard and mentor, never shying away from any challenge or opponent even when he knows he can lose or that he will definitely lose – always so aware of his own insecurities and pained by them, angered by them, thrown into selfish tantrums by them yet never so completely ruined by them that he would give up. Always so easy to anger yet the fury never explodes in enraged yells, it pours from his eyes in cold and slow drips and in that moment when a certain threshold is met, it will become physical in the form of a punch that is just as graceful as his mesmerising face.

And Himuro never shies away from pulling punches. Never.

So perhaps he should be glad that they are receiving rhetorical equivalent of punches and kicks instead of the real thing.

Lost in thoughts for a second there he cannot respond as quickly, thus when Akashi actually responds with "you are right in that, I am nothing like any of you", fully aware of the insinuation and accepting of any wicked implication, something cruelly stabs Nijimura.

Because sure, perhaps it is impossible for Himuro to truly like Akashi, who is too cunning and calculative, too proud and flawless, too rational and calm, too confident and absolute... Something Himuro himself could surely be (or perhaps attains to be?), has personality traits to be, if he was born just in the right family with the right winning genetic make-up. It is the subtle similarities and peculiar differences that make them problematically paradoxic in close quarters. They could be respectful strangers from a distance. They could even be good friends in another lifetime, if one or two things in their lives had gone differently.

In any case, it is equally impossible for Nijimura to agree with that statement. Because, no, or rather yes, yes that Akashi is different than them all and Akashi himself has always been keenly aware of it. Why do they think that the redhead so carefully maintained his distance from all his friends even when they were first years at Teikou? Why do they think that he was the one who strutted alone or talked the least or would lose himself in ruminating than bonding? Why do they think that he tasked himself with taking care of the mess and bearing the cruelty that naturally came with any struggle? Always the lone soul. Always the onlooker. Always the oddball amongst the oddballs. The queer amongst the queer. He was different, he is different, Nijimura is aware of this too but he wants everyone to stop bullshitting because no, this is not necessarily bad.

Or rather, Nijimura ponders, it is not bad at all. For many reasons, some of which are of pure necessity (because somebody has to make the harsh decisions), some of which are simply dictated by nature and destiny, some of which are just because not everything that is different is bad. Surely, there are flaws, there are aspects too dreadful and even pitiful, but the same is true for everyone and these are not necessarily intrinsic to Akashi but intrinsic to being human.

So perhaps it is not the perfect answer but that's all that spills from his lips,

"Maybe, but it's not so bad. It's not bad at all. That he is different," he says, the confused glances focus on him, Akashi regards him with a subtle sneer of sorts and though he initially wanted to continue, his thought train stops for some reason, words fading away from his mind.

"Not so bad? That's because you have not seen him in years. You think you know him, that you got him all figured out, because what? You knew him when he was a snotty brat?"

"No because I knew him when he should have been a snotty brat but he was not, he was never allowed to be, he never allowed himself to be– " is what Nijimura wants to retort back with a louder voice but he swallows the words.

It feels too personal.

It would be like exposing a delicate secret when in reality it is not even a secret at all; indeed every single person at the table, bar Takao, Himuro, and Kagami, knows it for a fact, they have all witnessed it. Nijimura is pretty sure Takao and Himuro can also estimate as much even if they have not witnessed it themselves (he is still not so sure about how smart or interested Kagami is in the whole matter). Yet in the first place it is not a secret because it is unknown or unseen by others but because it has intimate implications.

Implications that did not exist when Nijimura himself first made that observation years ago in middle school. Implications that slowly grew to be achingly important for him in the last couple of months.

Why has the conversation been revolving around Akashi? The last thing he wants to do is to dissect the very soul and personality of one person he treasures more than he would want to admit (more than he is ever allowed to admit actually), especially considering how reserved Akashi is when it comes to emotions. This person's heart is veiled carefully and hidden beyond solid fortifications and they are not to be attacked so openly in the public with snide comments and judging gazes, but only peeked through the cracks of its stone walls in the silent privacy of two entangled bodies in the fervent hours of the night, between sheets in the afterglow of ecstasy, amongst laboured breaths and mouths that taste like each other.

When Nijimura speaks there is a certain frigidity in his tone courtesy of his ired heart; he is disturbed to be discussing this here and now and in front of all and most importantly in front of Akashi. It is wrong and though he cannot convey just how intimately wrong it is, the coldness of his voice hints at his discontent:

"I know him well enough, then and now."

Himuro's gaze changes slightly, he seems to be piqued further and his hand to the side of Murasakibara grips the edge of the table strongly, ominously,

"You do? I don't think so. If you did, you would know that he is just using you for whatever ends he is trying to achieve. If you knew him in high school, you would understand. People are mere chess pieces to him."

Nijimura feels the urge to turn and ask Akashi, "just what did you during three years of high school?"

He would be mad at the series of answers he would receive yet forgive him regardless; why is he so forgiving of Akashi? Is it because he profoundly understands some of Akashi's reasons and he also profoundly understands that he cannot understand some of Akashi's reasons?

Murasakibara simply sighs as he chews on absent-mindedly but it is not really absent-mindedly, obviously some memory has been triggered; some memories must have been triggered because Murasakibara is actually the most nonchalant of them all – he would not have even sighed or taken a glance at Akashi normally, but he does. Aomine has furrowed his eyebrows and is stabbing his food with controlled anger, Kise's face is peculiarly saddened, Midorima's eyes are seething, focused on his meal as if it is an object of great offence and his hands clench into fists as if to figuratively contain any resentment from slipping out, and Kuroko... Kuroko looks pained, truly pained, as Kagami lightly squeezes his hand and there is only legacy of a long past anger in the power forward's eyes, they are laced with disinterest in the topic and concern for Kuroko.

It is not that they dislike him nor is it specifically Akashi they resent (or perhaps what Akashi symbolically stands for – their own pasts), Nijimura knows that, but the wounds are likely to be still not fully healed, the scar tissue is not thick enough, any jab at these past injuries still cause ache – pains of different kinds, stings of various reasons. He feels restless yet listless, put on the spot yet ignored, but most importantly, he wonders, how does Akashi feel?

Akashi continues on eating, unperturbed and seemingly disregarding those around him, ghost of a smile on his lips devoid of happiness, only a gesture of acknowledgement perhaps.

Suddenly Nijimura is angry. At them all. At Himuro. At himself. At Akashi mostly because, what the hell? Why is he taking all this in silently and playing the role of some kind of tragic villain instead of flipping them off and yelling "well fuck you too, I am hurt too, I was hurt too, I was a child too, we all made mistakes" and then they all could move on faster, heal better, Nijimura is sure, just as he is also sure that Akashi is similarly hurt if not more than the others... just as he is sure that Akashi would never admit to being hurt, rather die but do that. Because... 'pride'. And honestly, fuck his pride.

"I would be fine if he was using me, for now at least, I would be fine with that. Is that awful of him, or of me then?"

"I used him in the past, I left the burden on him claiming his great talent could handle it even though I sensed deep down it would not, but I used him to dispel my responsibilities for the team so that I could be there for my family. So if he is using me now, isn't it just payback?"

"I have always known that he was 'the chessmaster', I realised it long ago when we were both barely out of childhood. I find something alluring and powerful about that though it is hella irritating, is that bad?"

"We both know everyone uses everyone Himuro, everyone does, why should his be any more sinful?"

He could give any number of answers, various responses flood his mind and while he is struggling with which one to choose, which one would be the cleanest way out of this discussion, their waitress comes to serve futamono.

It is Kise who takes the chance to shed away silence and steer the conversation somewhere far, far away. Nijimura could kiss him for the aid – figuratively, of course. The blond makes curious comments about the food, jokes about how these little servings will do nothing to satisfy Kagami or Murasakibara and while the latter ignores him the former is immediate in his annoyed reply. Bickering ensues, Aomine joins in on the fun of bullying Kagami, shaking away the awkwardness. Takao makes jokes about eating habits of everyone and Midorima is less focused though he periodically glances at Akashi – glances full of questions and dissatisfaction.

Himuro could continue. He does not albeit for which reason, Nijimura cannot fathom.

It does not mean the hostilities end there though, they don't. The beauty scrutinises them throughout the evening, suddenly Nijimura is stressed about the slight and accidental (or normally may-be-not-so-accidental) touches between his limbs and Akashi's, cannot bring himself to properly look or even talk to the redhead who is sitting right next to him out of the fear of exposing it somehow. Himuro has always been observant, he will catch on it, perhaps he already did, perhaps that was the reason behind the impromptu interrogation.

He cannot even taste the exquisite food they are served with, each course he eats without savouring, the tastes blur in his mouth as his mind races behind various thoughts, Himuro's eyes are trained on him and he can see the lazy and fleeting glances shared between Murasakibara and Akashi, suspicious 'maybe's rise in his thoughts, but it is probably something else, another enigma of the little emperor he will never be able to solve... His mind is so fatigued from thinking, even jealousy cannot hatch – and he is infinitely thankful for that.

It is Takao who stands up first right after finishing the dessert, even though it is not according the etiquette and Midorima is a stickler for etiquette, even though nobody believes the obvious white lie Takao said – something about his sister that he needs to attend, Midorima still leaves with him and nobody bothers to stop them. Then it is Aomine, then it is Kise.

Their tea is being served when Kagami grumbles about still being hungry and Nijimura does not fail to catch how three people smile fondly at this – Himuro and Kuroko, he understands, he is not sure why Akashi finds the comment amusing and not just outright obscene and stupid.

Is Akashi fond of Kagami at all? He had never thought of that possibility, for Akashi's default mode towards people has been utter disinterest with impeccable civility, for Akashi has obsessed over Kuroko for a long time (or does he still? That is one itch that still irks Nijimura and he prefers to not brood about at the moment), for Akashi shares no common interests with Kagami other than basketball and the way they like basketball is completely different...

Another mystery that will need to be noted down and perhaps, one day, one day answered.

For ten minutes more, fifteen minutes perhaps, they will slowly savour their tea and then they can go. They can leave this night behind and he will have to talk about this with Himuro, he knows that much, but it can be postponed. For tonight, all he wants is to run away from these prying questions and suspicions into Akashi's arms, to Akashi's apartment that is always immaculate and bestowed with a serenity that even emanates from the furniture, to Akashi's bed which is too large for an average sized single man like Akashi himself but just the right size for the two of them together... He wants the peace, for tonight, and give peace too – give a little peace to Akashi who despite his perfectly calm façade must be simmering right now with all kinds of thoughts, cruel and merciful, lovely and wretched, self-important and self-blaming...

"What is he to you?"

Comfortable silence in the room suddenly turns into something heavy, something tangible, it is as if you could cut it into pieces and the question Himuro throws, without any warning, is akin to a vengeful arrow that pierces right through it, causing a gaping hole that only makes the atmosphere more bothersome. Himuro's tone was quiet but it is as if the words echo loudly in Nijimura's mind.

"What is he to you?"

When he looks at Himuro, he realises it immediately: Himuro knows.

What was it that gave it away? The fact that his life is hectic yet he desperately made time for Akashi? Should he have hidden that better? Was it the glances he stole minutes ago when Akashi licked his lips dampened with the syrup of the dessert he was eating? Was it the unnecessary protective tint to his words as he struggled to survive the brutal inquisition he was served with? Or was it that the close friends always knew, always figured it out? Friends who were there when your first crush blossomed and also when you had your heart broken for the first time...

"He is a friend."

It is not a lie.

In fact, given the words exchanged between Akashi and him, it is the most accurate description of their relationship. Sure, they went beyond what society deems acceptable for 'friendships' in general; sure, Nijimura has grown these feelings of various kinds for Akashi and friendship is just one amongst the many, but it is one of them. It is the honest truth yet Himuro's mesmerising almond eye narrows in recognition of the indisputable incompleteness of that answer, of that particular truth.

Himuro pauses for a few seconds, regards Nijimura closely and when he speaks there is almost pity in his voice, as if he is dealing with an unruly and ignorant dear child,

"Shuu, you don't know him."

Nijimura's anger from an hour ago shows its ugly face once again albeit slowly. He takes a mouthful of his tea but cannot taste it apart from the heat that burns his mouth,

"This? Again? Do we really have to discuss this? Now? Why are we even discussing it in the first place?"

"You know why."

Yes, he knows. It is because he is in love with Akashi Seijūrō and Himuro has discovered this and is thus the most dissatisfied. Because Himuro apparently feels comfortable discussing it right in front of the person in question himself; always fearless, always taking things head on.

But he cannot, for the love of God, Nijimura cannot do it. Not now. Not like this.

"No, I don't, so stop with the interrogation."

Himuro glares daggers at him, relentless and now angrier – he has always been quick to ire,

"You don't get it? He is using you. If he is not already, he will use you. That will be all you are to him. He is not even perturbed, look at him. You have no idea what you are getting yourself into."

Murasakibara slowly moves his hand as if to reach Himuro but by some bizarre reflex Himuro is already aware of it and swats it away, fury is cold and oppressive in his gaze increasing exponentially perhaps due to Nijimura's own seething eyes. When Himuro adds, his voice is low and his words biting,

"He is insane."

Nijimura is often aloof and distant, coupled with his usual tiny scowl most people interpret this as him being calm headed and cold blooded, intimidatingly disinterested in general; while it is true that he can be harsh and is not soft hearted when it comes to duty and obligations, always reliable and ready, he is most definitely not calm. It is the opposite: he has a bad temper. An awful one. He always had. It was the reason why he became a delinquent in the first place. But he eventually learnt the importance of being level-headed, because life did not care that he was a brat and gave him the lesson in the toughest way possible. He learnt how to control his emotions from storming out of control, he learnt how to take responsibility and bear it through all, unyielding and focused on the goals, he learnt how to show clarity and reason when facing a problem instead of throwing himself to it all hot headed and on impulse, not give into the rage... Yet there are moments his true nature will come blazing.

When a neighbour shamelessly utters a poisonous gossip about his widowed mother. When a random man on the street stares with predatory gleam at the bare legs of his sister and howls a catcall. When a self-important thug kicks a homeless man at the bus stop.

He will flame immediately on trigger and his flame will calm down equally fast but while it lasts in that particular moment, in that fiery instant, his gaze will be murderous, his voice will be hoarse and low, his eyes will glint like the blade of a knife, his lips will line in glaring contempt.

When his clenched fist – when did he even clench his hand into a fist? – hits the shallow table shaking the delicate tea cups, causing Himuro to flinch due to the unexpected outburst, everyone – even Akashi – is surprised, but Nijimura cannot register any of it, blinded by the veil of rage. It is anger that moves his hand and it is pure fury that spills the words from his mouth with a glacial tone of open hostility,

"I am the one who is in love with him. I am the one who has been sleeping with him for months. Don't you dare say that you know him and I don't. And don't you ever dare call him that."

When he comes to himself – just a few seconds later – he finds horror on Himuro's face, hands gripping onto the table, knuckles white, Murasakibara looking at him with wide eyes – Murasakibara never looks at anyone or anything with wide eyes. He cannot bring himself to turn his face to his side for a moment; suddenly, now that the rage is stilling, he is afraid. He is so afraid to turn to his side and regard Akashi. What kind of face is Akashi making? What is he thinking? What is he going to say?

Nijimura can see from his peripheral that Kagami is gaping and Kuroko is utterly confused and surprised, his stoic expression completely shattered.

He should not have said it.

He never planned to expose it like this or ever expose it actually. They could continue this shtick, he had thought. They could continue it as long as they can, until either of them becomes bored of it. They could continue until Nijimura is forced to find a suitable girlfriend – a bride-to-be – to fulfil his familial duties or Akashi finds a more interesting bed partner or engages to someone for reasons of family business. They could continue until Akashi decides he wants to take a year abroad or something and they would grow cold and they would grow distant and it would end as naturally as it started without even any parting words being said. They could continue until Nijimura graduates and then it would end silently as one of those university flings people keep talking about... And then, then perhaps in the future when they are both professionals, real adults, by a small twist of fate, thanks to a gentle coincidence and nothing more, they would meet again and they would perhaps drink together and reminisce about their youthful follies and they go their own ways and that would be it; they would never return to this point, to this bizarre relationship they both once revelled in.

He did not want to say because saying it would surely bring it to an end and he truly did not want to bring an end to it now.

Here, now, right here, right now – not in the sense that at exactly that moment in the restaurant, but just a few hours ago, just in the morning, just the night before, and the morning before that and... just in these recent days, in 'these days' as they say, he has been so satisfied, so content, he really did not want to ruin it.

Yet when the truth is revealed, with all the shock and the terrible realisations and the consequent disappointments and the unavoidable implications, despite all, it always brings a touch of relief too. Sometimes it is too gentle, too easily overlooked in the turmoil of all the emotions and worries and concerns but now, in that moment, Nijimura could feel it the most.

He is fearful, he is concerned, he is worried, and yet his chest feels like a great burden has been lifted off it. He feels lighter.

Akashi already knew anyway.

Himuro had guessed already anyway.

Who cares what they think anyway?

Who cares if he has never ever confessed like this before, anyway?

Who cares if –

"You gotta be kiddin' me?! Him? Akashi?!"

Kagami is the last person to interject but he obviously cannot keep himself; it is not anger or resentment either, it is pure shock, bewilderment, disbelief.

"Who could ever love Akashi Seijūrō?" is what he means and even though Nijimura purposefully avoids looking at that side of the table, for it would surely also bring his eyes over Akashi, he is sure Akashi is smiling bitterly at that sentiment – he is sure Akashi is considering the same question, sharing the same curiosity as Kagami, and this pains Nijimura a little, if he has to be honest.

One thing Nijimura has learnt over the course of the months he spent closer than anyone to the redhead is that the one area Akashi truly lacks any skill and confidence is being loved. He is so unused to it. He does not know how to be loved. Despite all his glamour, all his glory, all his pride, all his unabashed excellence, Akashi Seijūrō does not deem himself truly worthy of love or care of any kind, even if he does not confess to it, even if he will never confess to it.

Nijimura shakes his head and takes a gulp of his tea, and decides that there is no need to answer a question like that. Because answering it would be validating the question in the first place; he wholeheartedly believes that it is not a valid question.

Himuro sighs, clearly trying to calm himself down and litter away the shock lingering on his face and mental faculties,

"Taiga is absolutely right in that question. Why would you fall in love with someone like him?"

'Someone like him'.

Nijimura bites the inside of his cheek, uncertain how to answer or again, is he even supposed to answer this? Kuroko interjects then changing the subject purposefully,

"Are you two... together? In a relationship?"

There is obvious hesitance and scrutiny in his voice and Nijimura can guess why; so he knows. So Kuroko knew from the beginning how Akashi is. How Akashi never has any romantic relationships. How Akashi never loves, can never love someone like that.

Is this another question he is supposed to answer? Or not, perhaps?

After a pause, he decides to answer simply and accurately without any detail:

"We are not lovers."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Himuro asks, with contempt and fully aware of the answer of his own question,

"It is complicated." Nijimura explains and Himuro snickers. He actually snickers. Condescending and contemptuous.

Himuro is about to open his mouth again when Kuroko mumbles loudly, thoughtfully and his eyes focused on Akashi instead of the two people he is actually referring to,

"Himuro-san, I think you two should talk about this outside."

Himuro glances at the young man with the most boyish features of them all, yet Kuroko is unflinching under the steely gaze he is targeted with. Nijimura is bewildered sometimes how the timid and reserved boy with hopes greater yet more mundane than all has come to hold himself so confidently. He wishes at times that he did not miss all those years away from his team mates; only sometimes though, very rarely, but it happens.

He agrees with a serious tone, "I think that's a good idea."

Only then Himuro concedes as well.

"Atsushi, I'll be back," he mutters as an answer and Murasakibara lazily nods, his eyes glued to Akashi's face, which Nijimura still does not feel confident enough to look and hates himself for it, just when did he become such a coward?

"I am sor-" Nijimura is mumbling as he also rises to join Himuro outside but Akashi cuts him off, his voice calm and understanding but carefully barren of any emotion,

"You do not have to say 'sorry'. It is not as if I did not know. It is not as if I kept our activities hidden from them for a specifically important reason. It is all right. You don't need to be concerned."

It is the perfect reply in the perfect tone and what it hints is clear to Nijimura: "look, this was a mishap, I understand, nothing I cannot deal with, I am great at dealing with others' mishaps after all. Don't worry, I'll handle this. Both your life and mine will be just as before – that is before all this unnecessary drama started in the first place. I don't blame you, I have been aware of it all, how it could turn since the beginning."

It is like a PR manager speaking instead of the man who was moaning his name just a couple of hours ago when they were both thoroughly and delightfully debauched.

Nijimura follows Himuro outside without any other word or a glance to spare at Akashi.

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(A/N: I rewrote this chapter three times and was even about to go for the fourth... I had planned from the beginning for the ultimate revelation to be in this chapter, despite how cliché it is for one to spill their feelings publicly I've always felt that it works well with Nijimura both in an intimate and in an ironic manner. This may read a little like a character study in Akashi and my own colours regarding Akashi may show a bit too much but I could not help. I feel strongly -however strongly you can feel about fictional characters that is- about some of the sentiments here and they seep inevitably.

By the way, I am not sure if you have realised, but really part of this story is just me trying to get Akashi to learn being loved and believe that he can be redeemed too. And not 'loved' necessarily in a romantic sense but in the much larger and various contexts of the word, because to me, all in all, Akashi is the least loved and he chooses and embraces this and that is just sad.)