Being Akashi's 'boyfriend' does not change much in their relationship on the surface. They are both as busy as before once the new term begins, so it is not as if their schedule allows them a large change in their existing routine that had already established itself over the months. They meet, often at each other's apartment, talk of mundane things, have sex, eat together, bath together, and sleep together... They do not meet more often nor do they actually start performing things they did not before.
On the surface it is as it has been.
What changes, Nijimura realises, is the way power of the words said have influenced their lives and interactions in the subtlest and sweetest ways. He does not fear risk of an imminent loss of Akashi solely because he pulls him a little tighter to himself at night as they toss and turn in the bed. There is a warmer tone to the calm they share as each do their own thing in the presence of one another; Akashi draws the most elegant characters with the blackest of inks and he revises his latest experiment's results on the other side of the room. Nijimura can shamelessly whisper the corniest things at times even if rare, soft murmurs in the moments of hazy consciousness right after waking from a long slumber or right before falling deep into one, needy requests in the bouts of passion they entrap each other in – and Akashi will smile at these, sometimes a tiny peaceful smile, sometimes an amused smirk and perhaps the redhead does not feel the need to utter things of similar nature, but it is enough for Nijimura to say them and to know that his partner does not mind or perhaps even welcomes them.
There are small things that have changed, not on the surface but deep in the details of their everyday moments, often of unpronounced nature too, yet their subtle beauty pleases him greatly, even if he does not confess to it; he is happy.
Then there are moments he is not so much.
The problem is that there are various aspects about their relationship that they have not discussed yet. For instance, is theirs a closed relationship or an open one? Are they monogamous or not? Are they bound by any expectation of fidelity or is there no such binding for them? These are questions Nijimura has never asked in a relationship, considering how his fare till Akashi has been the most iconic "boy meets girl" type of stories; yet all has changed with Akashi. Their relationship had not started with a romantic nature and thus all the basics of romance were never discussed. Indeed, they talked quite a bit about sex and what they like and what they don't like and spent months trying things out and discovering each other's limits and desires and thus they have absolutely no issue in that area but modes and codes of a 'relationship between lovers' are completely uncharted territory for them.
As if the existence of such uncertainty and insecurity is not bothersome enough, the very idea of bringing them up is very vexing. Akashi seems never interested in them and he might be truly disinterested too, given his own nature. Nijimura is terribly interested in them though and while one part of him wholeheartedly believes that the redhead would entertain such a conversation and be tolerant towards his partner's wishes in that department, there is this other part of him that is unbelievably bashful and fearful about the topic. What if Akashi finds it bothersome to even discuss such matters? What if the idea of a 'monogamous' relationship is too much in itself for him? What if 'fidelity' is simply nonsensical for Akashi and he could never provide it? What if Nijimura comes off as too needy or clingy?
Questions mount and he cannot find answers to them and he often finds himself unsure if he even wants to hear answers to them – the possibility of certain answers is just too unbearable that he cannot tolerate even imagining them... Moreover, he has truthfully never gone through such questions before, it is a completely new kind of hell for him. He is lost and confused.
If these insecurities only stirred up inside him in the moments before he falls asleep in his own bed, alone; in those nights spent by himself in his own home, he would not mind so much. What drives him to unnecessary angst and worry at times is how they act out in a specific way as soon as he sees Akashi interact with anyone. A possessiveness and anxiety he has never held in his life, he has never suspected to be capable of is born within him in utmost glory. It is as if he is waiting for Akashi to leave him, for Akashi to find someone better, for Akashi to be interested in someone else. It is intolerably ironic considering his very own stance to the redhead was to give it a try regardless of what future holds and he had been definitely honest but now that they are trying it, he is constantly in realisation of the nearness of an end.
So it is like this: a dualism, quietly sweet and relentlessly agitating.
This tango continues on through the month of January and when the final examinations start in February, matters of love take a back seat understandably. Keeping up with his lab duties as well as cramming for exams is too taxing for Nijimura already, without the troubles loving someone as puzzling as Akashi brings.
Perhaps out of fortune, perhaps out of misfortune, he does not have any examination in the morning of Valentine's day, which he assumes being in the middle of their examination period will not attract too many classmates' attention. Oh how sorely mistaken he is; as soon as the exams finish for the day, an atmosphere of love envelopes the whole campus, you can see confessions here and there, people hanging onto small, cutesy boxes of chocolate all around him. He has not bought anything for Akashi as he knows there is nothing he can buy for Akashi – the same dilemma, as was in the redhead's birthday. He swears to God that he has gotten the worst partner to indulge but then inexplicably his all-round perfect partner is indulged in the most modest and banal manners. So perhaps it is not so bad? It is just terribly unconventional.
Once he wraps up everything in the lab, he starts getting ready to leave for Akashi's place because even if he cannot give something to his lover (and such a calming satisfaction it produces – the idea that Akashi is 'his lover'), they could surely take the opportunity to mingle, as they haven't seen each other for almost over a week. He is stopped at the door by a young woman of around his age. She has been standing near the entrance of the lab apparently and the moment Nijimura's eyes come across the packet she's holding, he is unsettled: it is a carefully gift wrapped, exquisite red box with gold coloured curvy writing of some probably French brand name.
A guilt is born suddenly in the pit of his stomach; he has specifically avoided Akashi that day in the fear that he would come across a sight such as this. He has obsessively worried at times about such a scene happening to Akashi and things escalating – sure, the redhead would not reciprocate anyone's infatuation, but he could very well reciprocate their sexual advances... He was aromantic, not asexual.
He is so absorbed in his own inner turmoil that he almost misses what the young woman tells him, it is shameful, truly; he would never think to act so rudely towards a person showing the courage of declaring their heartfelt emotions.
"I really... like you, senpai. Please accept this."
There are probably thousands of men out there who fantasise about this kind of a scene. In his lab alone, several teammates have been complaining since morning due to the lack of this particular trope in most real life romances, yet here he is being subjected to it and realises that he feels nothing. Feeling nothing guilts him a little; it is strange how someone can express their deep feelings for you and you cannot return them at all.
Is this how Akashi feels?
When someone showers him with genuine romantic yearning that he cannot experience at all?
Was this how Akashi felt when Nijimura confessed him his feelings?
He shakes the treacherous thoughts for he cannot shake his head but has to get rid of this whirlwind in his mind that stubbornly erupts centring around Akashi and the intricacies of their peculiar bond.
"I am sorry, but I am already seeing someone."
"Oh, I- I did not know... I am so sorry to have troubled you."
"It is all right."
"Would you mind having it regardless? It... it would make me happy... for you to accept it."
In such a situation Akashi would surely accept the gift and if Nijimura learnt of it, although he would not express it in words, he would be prickled inside and it would ruin his mood for days. Albeit, he also accepts the gift – it is not as if Akashi will ever brood as a result of a matter as this; he is not in love like Nijimura is. Thus he must be exempt of all the follies of love. Plus, the box looks expensive and the young woman is obviously sincere, he feels it would be rude not to accept it.
In just one hour, Nijimura is proven right – he thinks so, as Akashi nonchalantly observes the gift box he left on the kitchen counter as he moved to cook. Nijimura himself does not miss the small mountain of chocolates, some of which seem to be even handmade, on the table in the living room.
"What would you like to eat?"
"Ratatouille?"
"So funny. Young master."
"You received a confession?"
It is said in such an unperturbed tone, as if he is not asking his lover whether or not a stranger has declared their love to him, but no, just asking whether tonight's meal will have meat in it or not, or perhaps how the weather will be the next day.
"How do you even– No. Nope. Never mind. Don't answer that."
"It is too expensive for an average student to give as giri choco..."
"Really?"
"Yes. About 6000 yen, probably?"
"Are you serious? Ah I am glad I accepted it then, it would be too rude to reject such a grand offering."
Akashi takes and plays with the box in his hands, Nijimura observes silently for a moment reclining to the kitchen counter, then speaks,
"Aren't you going to ask me how I replied her?"
Such a stupid thing to ask. He should not have mentioned it at all. He should have made more jokes about 'ratatouille'. How do you even cook ratatouille?! The only reason he even knows that the damn word is because he saw that animated film with the same name once with his siblings.
"No, because I know you rejected her."
"Yes, I did. I should have guessed you would know... being omniscient and whatnot."
"Nijimura-san."
"Yes?"
"You do not owe me loyalty, you know that right?"
Was he just denied any hope of mutual fidelity? Or was this about something else? Regardless, it hurts. It feels as if without batting an eyelash the redhead skilfully pierced him with a dagger. Right where it would do the most damage.
"Why would you say that?" his tone is agitated despite his deep wishes for it to not be, he cannot help it, he is hurt. It seems that it almost perplexes Akashi – has he not expected to hurt Nijimura?
Impossible. Impossible for him to not have foreseen that.
A soft comprehension fills the asymmetric orbs but he does not yield in his words,
"Because you do not."
"Why?"
"You are bound to fall in love?"
"I have fallen in love. With you."
"But you will want some reciprocation, one day, and if you find it with someone else, I am all right with that."
Are you?
He can barely calm the brutal beast inside him that roars, "Are you? Akashi Seijūrō, are you? Are you really all right with that?!"
Because he knows.
Because he has known.
He has watched and seen Akashi's face wrinkle in the subtlest ways upon catching the soft blush on Kuroko's cheeks courtesy of Kagami. He has realised the pining in Akashi, the crippling of the perfect confidence of the little emperor in the tiniest ways – most are unaware, but he has. And he has hoped that this has passed, he has hoped that the way Akashi's eyes lingered less towards the boy of teal, the way he sighed less out of nowhere during the day, the way his gaze did not quietly wander away upon any mentions of Kuroko... Nijimura has hoped that they all meant that he himself has replaced that futile obsession, that unnecessary interest. The way Akashi clung to him in the coldest night of January, the way the redhead moaned his name hoarse and dripping with pleasure in the moments of wanton daze, the way he smiled genuinely at the spectacularly unfunny jokes Nijimura made in the most boring conversations possible for a genius... He has hoped that they all meant he carved up this little hole in Akashi's otherwise impenetrable castle called a 'heart' by the ignorant, and that it would hurt the redhead for him to go away, that it would feel hollow even a tiny bit... That even if it was not a consuming romantic love, he had acquired himself a peaceful acceptance, a tender attachment, a lingering possessiveness from Akashi...
"Nijimura-san, you are angry."
It is a statement, not a question. It is an observation. And it is true. Nijimura nods curtly, his eyes – he cannot see – must be extremely cold, he knows for he can feel the pained chill in his own gaze that lingers over Akashi. It is rare for him to become angry so icily, his hot-tempered nature often acts out his fury in fiery explosions yet when he is upset, honestly disturbed, his whole body and soul sinks into a glacial nightmare, he becomes calculative, ruthlessly rational, nonchalantly distant. He wishes anything but to be as such with Akashi. But here he is, coldly calculating answers in his mind.
"You do not need to be."
"Thanks for telling me that."
"I am trying to give you–"
"Space? Chances? Or perhaps pity?"
"Don't be ridiculous."
"Why do you not leave them alone?"
"Leave who?"
"You know who, the moment I said you knew. Why do you not leave your teammates from Teikō to themselves?"
"I do not know what is the relation between this and that."
"Oh but you do Akashi, you are too smart to not have realised what I'm getting at."
Akashi's grip on the delicate box of chocolate tightens,
"It is not loyalty per se."
"It is some kind of loyalty. You are protective of them."
"I pity them, Nijimura-san. I pity them. Do you pity me? Do you want me to pity you?"
"Don't lie. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to yourself. You do not pity them! You've never! You just would prefer to think that it is pity. You would prefer them to think that. But we both know it is out of truthful care and camaraderie. It is out of love! But that is so goddamn hard for you to admit isn't it?"
"Fine, let's say you are right, and let's say you feel as such towards me and I towards you as well. This still does not–"
"But it does. I feel loyal to you out of many things, one of which is my romantic feelings for you. It does not mean I can guarantee I will never fall out of love with you. I might. You might decide this is not worthwhile. We are not bound to each other by force, we are both mature enough to realise and accept that, I believe. But I do feel loyal to you, you cannot take it from me."
Akashi sighs.
Something inside Nijimura flinches in surprise – because he knows this sigh, it is a sigh of defeat and it is extremely rare. But the redhead's stubborn pride will not relent so easily,
"Wouldn't you want someone who could reciprocate your feelings? Like the person who gave you these chocolates for example?"
"In theory, sure. But the only person whose feelings I'm interested in right now is you."
"Yet I will not return them. Ever. I know you wish I would, but it will never be reality."
"I know, but you are making a huge mistake assuming that I am wishing you did."
"I am sorry?"
"You heard me."
"You do not wish I returned your feelings?"
"God! Akashi, are you doing it on purpose? You are doing it on purpose, right? Because when you put it like that you do not leave me room for nuance."
"And you need room for nuance?"
It is Nijimura's turn to sigh and pause for a second, he gathers his thoughts,
"I am not sure how to put this eloquently. But I love you. I am not interested in anyone's feelings but yours. You cannot love me back the same way I love you, I am aware of that. The thing is, you are aromantic, you have a humongous ego, you have an adorable heterochromia, you can be terribly cruel... These are all parts of you, some are good, some are bad, some are simply neither, some are simply both – but they are all you. They make you, you. If any of these changed, you would not be you any longer.
"Would I fall in love with an Akashi who was not an aromantic? Even if he was not and even if I fell for him, would he love me back? I do not know. You don't either and do not even try to claim otherwise, I learnt enough of the Chaos Theory last semester to know that not even your gigantic brain could ever predict the effect of such minuscule changes alone. Human emotions are not a matter of simple arithmetic. The point is: if you were not aromantic, you would not be you, and I am only interested in you."
There would be these moments during middle school in which Nijimura would realise that Akashi Seijūrō, despite his silver tongue and untimely maturity for an adolescent, was indeed a naïve child at the core; they would be passing moments, disappear almost as soon as they appeared, yet the crimson orbs would glitter with awe and profound innocence.
He supposes there are a slew of different comebacks that the redhead can unleash upon him but Akashi instead looks at him now with the same astonished eyes he rarely showed even in middle school. When he speaks, his voice is tinged with suspicion as well as appreciation,
"Do you honestly think so?"
"Yes."
A comfortable silence befalls them then and Nijimura feels the anger that had filled him so deeply just five minutes ago completely fade away, Akashi's gaze lingers down on the box in his hands, he seems thoughtful. He clears his throat then, when he speaks his voice is quiet and dry but a tiny smile grazes the edge of his lips – that little curvature is enough to fill Nijimura's chest with peace,
"Chaos theory? So you can be quite argumentative at times. I am afraid you will start giving me a bibliography at the end of each quarrel."
Nijimura snorts,
"You do realise that I go to Tōdai right?"
"Yes. How surprising, isn't it? But then you continuously manage to surprise me. You defy your own rationality and prospect of well-being way too often Nijimura-san."
Nijimura furrows his brows,
"And you do realise that is not a compliment, right?"
"Why? I would say it is quite a compliment, coming from me; don't you find it special that I cannot completely predict you? That I find you surprising? I am rather fond of the fact."
The cheeky smile that sometimes graces the thin lips of Akashi-sama makes an appearance and Nijimura is already gone for good though he ensures to not show it on his face – Akashi is too smug as it is already.
"When you put it that way, well... But then, when you start seeing the patterns in my irrationality too, you will be able to predict me just as well, I guess? You won't find anything intriguing, huh? Maybe it is not so good then."
"Truthfully, Nijimura-san, I enjoy the tranquillity you provide too, hence I am thinking I would find a different kind of satisfaction in that just as well. We'll wait and see, right?"
The implied expectancy in the statement simultaneously thrills and calms Nijimura,
"Yeah. I guess. So, what do you want to eat? And for God's sake – not ratatouille."
Akashi smirks as he answers,
"I think I would be quite partial for tofu soup right now."
"Sure thing. I think I saw some good tofu in the back of the fridge. You can have the chocolate by the way."
Akashi opens the box gingerly then as Nijimura moves around grabbing ingredients, a few seconds later savouring a piece of chocolate filled with strawberry cream in his mouth, the redhead disappears – Nijimura took his gaze off him only for a moment there and is surprised, not sure where his lover went. Aforementioned lover returns a few seconds later with a small packet in his hand and puts it on the kitchen counter near where Nijimura is busy chopping leafy greens and mushrooms for the soup.
"What is it?"
"Chocolate."
"Huh?"
"For you."
"You are joking?"
"No."
"You bought me chocolate?"
"Yes. I thought it would be the appropriate thing to do considering our current relationship status. Though I figured neither of us would truly care for such flippant consumerist traditions."
Nijimura snorts and shakes his head out of disbelief and amusement,
"I don't like very sweet things particularly. Never been a huge fan of chocolate either."
"I know."
"And you still bought me chocolate? Because it is Valentine's day."
"Yes and yes. Would you not taste a piece?"
He may not like very sweet things but he does not have the heart to say "no" to this offer; he would rather die but say "no" at this point. In fact his heart pounds against his ribcage in rebellion to his taste buds; he may end up developing a sweet tooth if it will make Akashi pull tender tricks like this. He doesn't give a shit about Valentine's Day in all honesty but any opportunity for Akashi to act as such, he will welcome. He moves to rinse his hands but Akashi stops him,
"It's okay, one second," and he reaches for the box, which only perplexes Nijimura for a second but the next moment is simply bewildering: Akashi Seijūrō, the man with the coldest gaze despite the warm colours of his eyes, gingerly takes a piece of exquisitely dark chocolate out of the box and offers him.
"You are going to– You are?"
"You do not want to?"
"No, I mean. Wow this is..."
"Embarrassing? You are rather bashful like a maiden at times, Nijimura-san. It is endearing."
The comment alongside the smirk is too much for Nijimura to bear, despite his reddened ears and emphasised scowl, he leans towards Akashi's hand with the eyes of a predator than a lover being fed by the hands of his very beloved.
"Mmm..."
"It is good, right?"
"Yeah. Actually. And weird. It is not sweet at all."
"It is 80% cacao after all. With premier quality almond."
"It is really good..." Nijimura mentions, syllables a little slurped by the way he savours the taste on his tongue, sucking onto the little piece in his mouth, Akashi grabs a piece for himself and starts savouring as well,
"Mmm... handmade is indeed the best."
"Wait. Handmade? Don't tell me–"
Akashi gives an incredulous look,
"Just because I offered to feed it to you by hand, you should not become so delusional Nijimura-san. I do not have time to make handmade chocolates, you realise that, right?"
"So you would if you had the time?"
"Perhaps. It could be enjoyable. These were handmade a chocolatier."
"Don't tell me you actually got it prepared specially for me?"
"I certainly did."
"Must have cost quite a bit. And here I was thinking since I liked it, I could buy it now and then. Pity."
"Well, it costed quite a bit but mainly because it was by a well known chocolatier and posted from overseas. And if you have indeed liked them, we could order it sometimes."
"Okay, now you must be joking."
"No. While there are great chocolatiers in Europe, they would surely lose their freshness by the time they reached here. There is this particular Italian chocolatier in Seoul that I am very fond of, he makes these. Since Seoul is close enough for a single day delivery..."
"You literally ordered handmade chocolates from another country for me?"
"Yes?"
"Wow. Showing off much? And all I got you was... nothing. Or maybe chocolates some girl gave me? Wait, that's even worse."
"And tofu soup. Handmade too, I should add."
Nijimura chuckles at Akashi's sincere tone, there was not even a tiny bit of sarcasm in the statement. It was absurd. It was absurdly sweet and sincere. Akashi offers another piece of chocolate which he gladly captures by his lips; this whole 'being fed' thing, even though it felt strange and too corny at the beginning, he could definitely get used to it, he decides, as he starts cutting tofu into small cubes.
"What is with people and giving me expensive chocolates today..."
"I did not buy it because it was expensive. I bought it solely because I knew you would enjoy it. How much it costed is not the criterion here. It could have been very cheap too."
He puts the tiny box on the counter again and reaches for the other box of chocolates, taking another piece of the strawberry cream filled chocolates into his mouth; Nijimura wonders vaguely how the redhead could speak so crystal clear as he sucks on a piece of chocolate,
"She, on the other hand, must admire you but has no understanding of you. If she paid more attention, she would realise that you never take the desserts in the school cafeteria nor drink too sugary drinks; indeed there are so few sweet foods and drink that you are fond of and consume often, one could literally count them with their fingers. So she, enraptured by your good looks, thought that buying an expensive chocolate would cover up for the lack of attentiveness or comprehension of the real you."
"So what you mean is that she sucks at buying gifts?"
Akashi sighs at the nonchalant comment,
"More or less, yes. You made a good decision rejecting her."
"Another?" Nijimura says instead, not commenting on what Akashi said.
Younger male reaches for the dark chocolate again and carefully takes a piece to offer his partner, whose tongue lingers unnecessarily close to the fingertips of his beloved. Akashi simply raises an eyebrow at the gesture,
"Nijimura-san, I do want my tofu soup before anything else."
"Yeah, I know."
"Good."
The redhead continues feeding himself and Nijimura pieces of chocolate and Nijimura thinks whether they will have any space in their stomach for the tofu soup after all.
More importantly, an assured voice inside him whispers sweetly,
"No, he would not. He would not be all right, he would not be indifferent to 'losing' you. He would not want to be without you, either."
.
.
.
.
.
.
As most his classmates go on adventures in warmer parts of the world, Nijimura continues working at the lab during the holiday after the finals. His professor is collaborating on a project with an American academic and they have to finish their part before April, which means they don't have the luxury of spending weeks idle. Most would perhaps complain of this fact but he cannot bring himself to complain of it, sure he is tired, but he also needs the money, so he is grateful that he has a convenient job that looks extremely well on a CV as well. His mother complains enough for both of them anyway, about how he is overworking and should have more leisure time as a young man. While he is not content in making her worry, he cannot afford otherwise; if she cares for him so deeply, he also cares for her deeply. It is for them that he has to do this.
What would he do in his leisure time anyway?
He cannot think of anything other than basketball or Akashi, who is also not going to be around much during the holiday. Something about an 'intensive' internship for a project with an investment bank in London to further acquaint himself with the financier circles over there or something. His father's orders apparently. While Nijimura's mind can comprehend and estimate the older Akashi's motives and decisions, his heart can never accept them; he cannot help but compare them to his own mother's or late father's. Even though they are closer than before there is always this distance Akashi maintains and Nijimura realises that it is not necessarily about the redhead being incapable of romance, it is also how Akashi seems incapable of showing his true feelings and care. It is as if he will break if he does, as if it is shameful to tenderly care for one another openly.
Nijimura ponders if this is because of the profound lack of parental love in Akashi's upbringing but he has always hated playing such psychoanalytic games. With Akashi, it feels even more reprehensible: to analyse him like that is to reduce him to an object of sterile psychological interest against his will and not a dear beloved to empathise and sympathise with. Neither is it truthful or useful: conjuring too many hypotheses out of thin air, it tells more about his own biases than reality of what Akashi feels and thinks and how he came to be who he is and who he actually is.
In any case, Akashi will be leaving right at the beginning of March and they won't see each other for weeks; nor talk with each other, probably. Given how Akashi is, Nijimura doubts they will have much communication during the time the redhead is abroad. On his side, he will definitely be busy and thus it is not as if he will be thinking about his partner 24/7 in pining, but he is certain that he will miss Akashi. In spite of how difficult it feels to admit it at times, he realises he is somehow already missing him.
Sometimes he secretly wishes Akashi was into social networks as much as Kise was; the blond posts a picture of everything he eats or buys, at least one selfie per day often of his sunshine smiles, regular blog posts every day about his moods in three different platforms. Okay, perhaps if Akashi was indeed like that he would find it offputting – very offputting actually, God, he could not tolerate that. But it would not hurt to have some idea about how the redhead is doing in his 'busy time' which has always accounted for the most of the time. He remembers Akashi's trip the previous summer and realises how he was not concerned at all then. It is interesting how time flows by and little by little you realise that someone has come to rule much larger portions of your heart and life. It is like a sinister invasion that goes unnoticed until it is too late.
With these thoughts in his mind, he idly checks different flavours of ice cream the grocery store has to offer. He has less than two weeks before Akashi leaves and the number of days they could spend together is even less considering their busy schedules. Luckily, today is one such day and Akashi passingly mentioned a few days ago that they were very low on ice cream at his home. He is not sure how eating ice cream together has become one of their 'things', but it has, and is probably one of the rare relationship-y things that they actually perform. Nijimura himself doesn't have much of a sweet tooth but he enjoys subtle flavours and their taste buds are much alike in their preferences. He is a little unsure which to choose now though, because he is not a wealthy heir and would not want to spend a small fortune on ice cream. Akashi is picky about the quality when it comes to sweet things so he cannot stray from one or two specific brands that are rather costly. He sighs and gives a call to his little god,
"Hey, Akashi, so I am at the grocery store... Which flavour do you want? Matcha or coffee?"
"Oh..."
Akashi is rarely ever surprised or flustered so the dazed answer he receives, normally crystal clear voice now clouded and slightly hoarse, the subtle evidence of surprise in the tone... Nijimura is piqued right away,
"You okay?"
"Yes. Can we... Could we postpone this?"
Postpone what? Nijimura feels like asking, postpone the relationship? It is not even a date. They were supposed to simply laze around at Akashi's apartment. Akashi will be gone soon and they won't see each other for weeks. It is not as if they have much room to postpone being together as it is...
"Did something come up?"
"Kind of."
"Are you outside?"
"No..."
"So you are home?"
"Yes. But I would rather be alone."
It is irritating to say the least, but he does not feel comfortable pushing Akashi when the other sounds clearly upset nor does he want to impose his presence,
"I see..."
"Okay. Good evening then." is the curt reply he receives and suddenly the line is off.
Nijimura sighs, exasperated. Akashi is truly unfathomable and he is not sure what to do; some part of him desperately wants to go and bang on the door, scream that he should stop hiding his hurts and instead share the aching bits as well as the pleasing bits of his heart with him. The more rational part of him chides; such impulsive forays would only debilitate the fragile balance and cautious understanding they have finally achieved. He has to give Akashi space, allow him to gradually warm up to his presence not just in the matters of bed but in regards to the intimate details of his soul.
He looks at the rows of ice cream again and eventually decides that he does not have to choose either when he can choose the middle point.
So fifteen minutes later, he is standing in front of Akashi's home with a plastic grocery bag full of ice cream; he went all out with it in the hopes of showing his affection subtly like this: matcha, cherry chocolate chunk, and strawberry gelato as well as lemon and raspberry sorbets. It cost quite a dent in his measly student income and is probably very stupid, he will have to spend at least a week eating cup ramen now thanks to this venture, but it is the best he could come up with. He is good at taking care of others but in simple ways, he does not understand nor is much experienced in tricks of romance but then he is not sure if such Don Juan manoeuvres would even work with Akashi who is outright incapable of romantic love and sceptical of too many things in life. It takes three rings of the doorbell for Akashi to actually open the door and the moment Nijimura's eyes lay on him, something breaks.
Not literally, of course, but Nijimura can feel the silent shattering deep in his chest.
Akashi looks almost like always, except that he is wearing a disinterested little scowl more akin to Nijimura's than his own usual demeanour and there is this faint redness around his eyes. His eyes... the alluring pieces of ruby are gleaming with the slightest veil of wetness over them.
Nijimura has wondered many times whether or not Akashi ever cries, it is a curious thing after all. He likes to believe that any and all humans cry but the redhead carries the aura of an absolute ruler bestowed with heavenly mandate, someone who would never shed a tear for it would be too human for his divine grace and natural perfection. This is all utterly stupid though, he has forever known and even uttered once or twice to Akashi – that the redhead is not perfect. Ant at times he has even fantasised about Akashi crying – this idea he has never shared with anyone; after all Akashi to cry being such a tiny possibility increases its value as a kink, he has to admit, but now that he is suddenly presented with potential evidence of it... It is not awe or lust he feels. No, not at all. He only feels a profound sadness devour him inside and suddenly his hands itch to hold the other, pull him close into a tight embrace.
But he cannot.
There are so many reasons for this incapability, from Akashi's own personality to the intricate dynamics of their relationship, from the unabashed frown directed at him at that moment to his own cowardice... He raises the bag of ice cream like a peace offering,
"I know you said you want to be alone and I respect that so I will leave you alone. Even though I think it is a bad idea. If there is something wrong, you can always share it with me, you should know that by now. Again, I won't push you to it, obviously. Anyhow... I was already at the grocery store when I called so... I kind of bought the ice cream anyway. I just came by to give it to you."
Akashi blinks at the grocery bag then to him then at the bag again. For a second, Nijimura wonders if he will be lashed out, but nothing of the sort happens and instead the redhead slowly reaches and takes the plastic bag to his own grip.
"You came by to bring the ice cream and then leave because I asked so even though you do not want me to be alone?"
"Yes."
Akashi nods, as if in thanks or perhaps for something else, Nijimura has no idea.
He also has no idea when Akashi turns towards inside and moves to the open kitchen area without closing the door. He waits a few seconds there, watching Akashi set the bag on the kitchen counter, wondering what this all means; is he supposed to enter? Is this an invitation? Or was the door left open to mean he should shut it on his way out? He sighs and takes his chance, despite his previous words, because being slightly wilful sometimes won't hurt him, right? If Akashi wants him gone, he will say so anyway, the proud heir is brutally forthcoming with such orders. Nijimura comes in and shuts the door behind his back, walking towards Akashi, who mumbles almost inaudibly,
"You... bought too much."
He has no explanation on why he bought too much. It is childish, Akashi does not need such lavishness, in fact he is absolutely certain this does not count as lavishness in the other's scale of things. Not at all. Still he sighs,
"Yeah, I guess I kind of did..."
Akashi nods silently and cryptically again and then takes out one of those ridiculously well designed ice cream bowls he has. He takes a single scoop of the matcha ice and lemon sorbet. Then carefully closes each container and places all of them into the freezer. Nijimura does nothing but watch and the redhead acts as if Nijimura is not present in the room; Akashi does not take out a bowl or spoon for Nijimura, something he normally would do, for he is a stickler about manners, especially when hosting a guest.
Should Nijimura be happy that he is perhaps not regarded as a guest now? Or should he be sad for the whole lack of etiquette might as well be due to him being unwanted in the first place? As he measures each aspect in his mind, Akashi has already moved towards the small table he has in the living room area and sits in seiza, while mending and mixing and playing with the ice cream in his small bowl with his spoon.
There are two pieces of used tissues on the table.
So he indeed cried, Nijimura thinks, a small panic ensues in his heart; he is usually so in control of things but he is unsure how to deal with Akashi's sadness or despair. How to console this man who should not be consoled? He is back to square one on that angle when Akashi mumbles,
"I understand your willingness to provide me company, however I am not sure it is something you could empathise with at all, Nijimura-san..."
"Well, try me."
"Did you know that I had a horse?"
Okay, of all things he was expecting, mainly fights with Akashi the Senior, Nijimura was definitely not expecting the horse to be brought up. He has an idea already why Akashi had dryly commented that it would not be something he could empathise with. He cannot even empathise with the idea of owning a horse in the first place. It is simply too queer. Something he has only read in stories about olden times or fairy tales.
"Yes... Kind of? I remember people talking about it in middle school. Some of the girls actually exchanged this picture of you riding a white horse..."
Akashi's gaze lingers to him for a second, surprised, then moves to focus back on the ice cream as though he is consuming it with his eyes, his spoon slowly stabbing the matter still; Nijimura continues leaning his back to the kitchen counter, standing with his arms crossed over his chest, still uncertain whether or not he should approach closer.
"You recall the oddest things," Akashi starts absent-mindedly, "but yes, I had a horse. I've had him ever since I've known myself; he was the same age as me. Yukimaru."
Akashi sighs, a bitter smile graces his lips then and he stabs the ice cream in front of him with the little spoon a little strongly now, as if taking a jab against the Fate and not the melting ice cream,
"He has been ill for some time. We have lost him, apparently, two weeks ago."
Nijimura has no idea what to say and confirms again that yes, this is something very hard to empathise with. Perhaps if he had a dog or a cat, any kind of pet, it would be similar? He ponders in his mind what to say, it has to be something both affectionate and courteous, but honestly, it is hard. Akashi continues, as if paying no mind to his existence and talking to himself,
"I just learnt it today. It seems my father disallowed the housekeepers to inform me till now, lest it disturbs my concentration during examination period."
This grates his nerves and he thinks for a moment that perhaps this is the actual reason why Akashi is sad and he would have every right to be so, but then it does not seem to be the case either, for some reason, Nijimura can feel there is something deeper to this than what he is realising. When Akashi mentioned the bit about his father, his voice was almost emotionless, monotone and nonchalant – no sign of fury or agony but like a statement regarding a well expected event.
Akashi speaks again, openly sneering this time,
"It is all right. As I said, it must be difficult for a person like you to empathise."
Suddenly it comes.
Suddenly Nijimura comprehends what it is and it has nothing to do with the creature being a horse. Surely, his father's antics has aggravated the situation but that is not the root cause either.
It is especially not about Nijimura's socio-economic status and foreignness of the idea of owning a horse.
It is about the kind of person Nijimura is and has been versus the kind of person Akashi is and has been. He knows Akashi has been mostly alone in his life, spent at least his adolescence in absence of familial care or love, god knows if he received any as a child, he rarely ever talks about it and Nijimura knows very little. Akashi lived in a grand mansion and carried skills and wits the adults were envious of but he was a child who was alone, who had a path carved out for him before he was even born and burdened with tasks no child should be burdened with... Nijimura can imagine – can never truly understand for it is a life so alien to him, but he can imagine.
Akashi must have been fond of a creature who was in essence incapable of treachery and always responded to affection. He must have been able to share a kind of camaraderie he could not with any other, the ilk of privacy and confidence children only let their best friends or siblings in. His horse must have been a dear friend, perhaps the sole remaining sign of unconditional love in his life, a rare source of kindness in his otherwise politically complex life.
It is not about owning a horse, or his father's now casual indifference to his feelings; it is about attachments and love. Suddenly, Nijimura feels stupid for not realising it outright; if Akashi had deemed it worthy enough to shed tears for, it must have been precious – the bond he shared with his horse. Preciously innocent too. Something the redhead must be feeling nostalgic about or perhaps even longing in a basic sense.
He pulls the drawer that holds the silverware to take out a spoon for himself and then moves over towards Akashi, settles on the floor, right next to him comfortably. Their shoulders touch slightly. He moves in and grabs a spoonful of the half melted ice cream, Akashi regards him with confusion for a second; Nijimura is not used to seeing confusion in the crimson orbs but finds it loveable all the same.
"So," he starts, "tell me about him".
"About whom?"
"About your horse."
Akashi's eyes grow large in realisation and his previously frigid features slowly fade into tenderness,
"I am not sure... what I could tell you."
Nijimura takes another spoonful of what is now more of a milkshake than ice cream and manages to push some towards the spoon Akashi holds, still fiddling with the dessert than to eat it, though taking the gesture as a cue he reservedly takes a bit to his spoon and motions it to his mouth.
"Anything. Why 'Yukimaru', for example? Because he was white?"
"Yes. He was also apparently born on a snowy day. My mother gave him the name..."
The tenderness in his expression seeps into his gaze finally then, Nijimura can see the pure affection his eyes glint with as he mentions his mother, even passingly. It is terribly charming and very intriguing but Nijimura keeps his composure and is delighted to see Akashi take another spoonful from the ice cream they have come to share,
"It is a nice name. Kinda guessed it wasn't you who named him. If it was left to you it would be something like... 'Divine Ruler of Winter'? Or maybe 'Pegasus of the Crimson Emperor'?"
Akashi almost chuckles – 'almost', for his lips curve into a tiny smile of sorts and there is a peculiar "heh" sound he gives, albeit quietly. That is the most he could elicit probably given the other's mood, so Nijimura is more than happy with this much.
"I don't think I would use either of those, ever... But yes, I presume, if I had named him it could have been something more... imperious? Instead of 'Yukimaru'."
"Do you have any pictures?"
Akashi reaches for his phone on the other side of the table and after a few swipes offers the phone to Nijimura, who takes it in his hand absent-mindedly as he continues to savour the ice cream.
"He looks cool."
"'Cool'?"
"Hmm... Okay, fine, graceful?"
Akashi leans and swipes to another picture, it is an older one, from first year of high school probably, he is on the horse and posing dignified, prim and proper, like a military officer in a vintage photograph. Nijimura is amused,
"Definitely graceful. Do you have any from your childhood?"
There have been numerous times he fantasised a bashful Akashi, blushing and timid, but he never really imagined it would happen when they are in a poignant mood chatting about Akashi's deceased horse. Still, it is as magnificent as he has imagined it; the delightful pink which graces Akashi's cheeks accentuates the delicate facial features, his lips suddenly look innocently alluring rather than the usual fatal attraction they hold... There is a peculiar shyness in the way he quickly turns away his gaze somewhere else in the room right after swiping a couple of times to show Nijimura an old picture.
It was probably taken by a film camera and then digitalised; this is evident from the effect and the tones and Nijimura is certain that Akashi would rather die but apply some instagram filter on this picture, for this picture must be precious – he can ascertain as much the moment his eyes meet it.
Akashi is a child in the picture, perhaps aged six or seven at most, on the same horse from before yet neither the horse nor he hold the same captivating but distant royal grace. Instead, he is smiling cheerfully, beaming with joy and leaning onto the horse's mane and rubbing his own cheek to the soft hair. He has never seen Akashi smile as he did in the photograph. It is honest, unabashed, willing, and open. It is careless. It is happy. It is beautiful.
It is the most beautiful thing Nijimura has ever seen.
There is also a woman near Akashi and the horse in the photograph, she seems to be giggling or so, her lips merrily curved up and slightly open in a smile, her features strikingly similar to Akashi's.
"Is she your mother?" Nijimura asks softly but without waiting for an answer he adds,
"She is beautiful."
Akashi's gaze turns to him then, tender and content even if the sadness has not faded away from his features (nor has Nijimura expected it would, he is satisfied in a strange way now to see this side of the redhead, if anything), then Akashi leans in a little, resting his head on his lover's shoulder softly.
"She was. She was beautiful."
"You look like her."
A small smile of appreciation entangles itself to the crimson lips and Nijimura shifts closer to him,
"Is there more? From your childhood?"
Akashi nods and takes the phone back, swiping back and forth as Nijimura grabs the bowl of ice cream that mostly holds a melted cold soup of sorts now; it is not much of a problem for him though, so he continues eating as Akashi shows him different pictures and at times he offers a spoonful to the redhead, who takes it to his mouth without any complaint. They sit there silently, making only a few comments now and then, going through pictures, after some time Nijimura shows a few of his own family too. The hours pass easily, calmly as they revel peacefully in the warmth of each other.
When they go to bed later, it is equally silent, equally serene... Equally warm as they fall asleep in each other's embrace.
It is one of the most beautiful nights of Nijimura Shūzō's life, even if it is not the happiest one.
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(A/N: This is probably the pace and style it will continue from now on :) Fluff interlaced with angst and ruminating over finer points of what makes a relationship a loving relationship etc. Is it boring? Perhaps. I don't know. I really want to write about it though, so it shall be.)