They are at a fancy hotel in downtown Tokyo when Nijimura receives a call from his mother. He is clearly upset right after he hears his mother's voice and Akashi can deduce that something important and problematic has occurred; the one side of the conversation he hears only further confirms his conclusion.
"Okay…Just calm down."
"Mum, where are you now?"
"No- No, please. I will."
"No, it's okay stop saying sorry. Don't panic."
"I will- No, I'm telling you it's okay."
"I'm sure it's something minor."
"Just calm down, I'm going now, okay?"
"I'm going out for him right now, just stay put, I'll call you."
Nijimura bolts out of the bed the second he hangs up the call, throwing the phone on the bed almost violently, Akashi sits up and somewhere in his brain calculations have already started.
"Is there an emergency?"
"Yes."
"What has happened?"
Nijimura was trying hard to control his panic when talking with his mother but the way his hands slowly shake now as he tries to put on his pants is unsettling.
"My- my brother is apparently at a kouban. They called mum. But she's in the middle of a work meeting in Nagoya; she had left for this morning. She's coming back tonight but-"
"I understand."
Akashi frees himself from the sheets and moves forward, leaning, holds Nijimura's right wrist, his lover looks at him and for the first time in his life Akashi Seijūrō sees Nijimura frantic. Frightened beyond words.
Akashi comments calmly,
"I'll take you there."
He moves to put his own clothes while Nijimura mumbles as he tries to button his shirt but his fingers are obviously not obedient,
"I can take the train."
"Nijimura-san, I said I will take you there. The whole reason I bought a car was for emergencies like this."
Nijimura does not reject any further – any other time and he would, the fact that he is not is because he is fearful, because all he cares at that moment is his brother, his family; Akashi, being aware all of this, swallows silently in respect and sincere sympathy. He is not used to seeing Nijimura vulnerable; it has a profound effect on never thought he could empathise, but is this empathy? More like 'care', he decides; an end-result of affection, care for another's well-being, care for another's happiness, care for another's peace...
They leave the hotel hurriedly, check out is luckily very fast in this kind of hotels, and Akashi quickens his pace to follow Nijimura's brisk steps to the car. When he starts the car, when he begins driving, when he inputs the address Nijimura mentions into the GPS, his mind has already processed a series of possibilities, a series of plans and side plans and B, C, D, E plans... Somewhere in the middle of the way, he reaches out to hold Nijimura's hand but the brunette does not look at the touch, his eyes continue to focus outside, the hazy image of buildings being passed by at a high speed, his frown deeper than ever but not a tint of anger on his face or dissatisfaction, rather sadness, concern, trying to brace himself for the worst. Akashi was never big on hand holding or similar gestures even though he acknowledges their value in bonding, now it feels natural to do them with Nijimura, he did not even consider for a second before his hand moved almost in a natural pull…
More importantly as he expected Nijimura's hand stops that slight trembling as it is being squeezed between Akashi's delicate fingers.
It must have been hard. It must have been extremely difficult. Akashi knows how familial obligations and burdens can crumble one's must have been worse when it is not for frivolous reasons of wealth and honour, but out of love and against matters of actual life and death, for survival. He dearly knows what it means to lose a parent and the self-blame that always comes with it; in his family, mourning was nonexistent so perhaps it was more screwed up than Nijimura's case could ever be but it also meant that he consciously focused on anything but his mother's death, the pity-fest and hateful self-abhorrence could only fester in his subconscious. It is not like that for Nijimura, who has watched his father die slowlyin agony; who still has regrets, who still somehow blames himself unconsciously and consciously, despite knowing better.
When they arrive, after their hands disentangle, after they get out of the car, the moment Nijimura enters the kouban, his hands are not trembling at all, his eyes are still worried but his face is calmer – it is a façade, a requisite of responsibility. Akashi feels compassionate towards this man who is burdened with things no other third year university student should, no high schooler should have ever been, no middle schooler should have ever been... It is ironic because Nijimura definitely thinks more or less the same for Akashi; he is certain of this.
It is a mix of mutual respect and subtle compassion, not pity, never pity – they esteem each other too much to pity.
There was a fight apparently and his brother was involved, delinquency of the basic sort but it is enough to shoot a flaring anger all over Nijimura's face and Akashi knows too well. The intimate confessions between sheets in the middle of the night, lazy words dyed with anguish, unwarranted repentance; Nijimura knows as an adult that he is not guilty for his farther's sickness or death and how insignificant his past delinquency was in the greater scheme of things. It does not help against the obstinacy of irrationality of his emotions. "What if"s and "could have"s and shameful, shameful, disgusting regrets… Everyone has them; Nijimura is just more prone because he has seen more, lived more, survived more monsters… Even Akashi has them; it may be a deeply held secret and seemingly impossible from outside, but he does and they hurt the most painfully.
Now Nijimura is mad.
Now Nijimura is sad. Now Nijimura is worried. Now for Nijimura is a different melangeof so many emotions wrapped in thin, stinky layers of anxiety… and for the first time in his life Akashi feels like holding someone's hand yet does not. He stops the inclination of his fingers before his hand can even start to move. The same natural gesture of less than hour ago is now cannot – the societal norms and whatnot, these strangers would be able to confer their relationship. The relationship that must be hidden because someone long ago trivially decided it to be improper. For the first time in his life, Akashi feels the discrimination he has been able to avoid mostly nonchalantly, as though he was above it, yet he is not, he realises now.
The cancerous pride in him roars. Does it matter? He could 'handle' any unnecessary trouble or pointed stares after all… But Nijimura is not so immune and already in a rare moment of fragility. Not everyone has the assets or the emotionally detached background to go against such daily oppression so easily. He acknowledges this fact silently, humbled by his own privilege and harsh realities he is more used to ponder about than to face, yet he is still frustrated.
Why?
It is ludicrous, it is nonsensical, it is unbelievable, and it pierces Akashi's consciousness like a cruel and bizarre dagger that should not exist in the first place. He walks outside quietly, hoping to empty his mind of the maddening state of powerlessness against this injustice. He waits outside for Nijimura, who is taken to see his brother.
He is not in love with Nijimura.
It is so ironic. He is not even romantically in love with Nijimura yet he is bound by the illogical hatred around the idea of such a love.
He is not in love with Nijimura, andafter all, he does not have to be so to feel inclined to support him, to be there for him, to hold his hand?Yet he is not allowed to because what, holding hands are supposed to be something only lovers do? Because 'lovers' are always supposed to be of opposite gender? What kind of travesty is that? What kind of barren idea of 'love' can induce such injurious rules of evil, hailed as virtue?
It is not as if he has not known the fallacy of the whole framework, but it is one thing to know it and quip about it in philosophically demanding conversations now and then, and it is something completely different to be a victim to it.
Being powerless is disgusting, being incapable is unsettling. Wrath brews in him and he can feel it seething underneath his skin,
"Those who are not victors are doomed to perish" his demons remind him in the back of his mind. But Akashi has already learnt to tune them out long is not a moment he can wallow in the turmoil of his own pride and hurt. The moment is not about him.
It is about Nijimura. He disperses the self-centred waves of dissatisfaction for the time being.
When Nijimura comes out with his brother, the first thing Akashi notes is that he is still upset and tense but the panic has faded away, which is good. The second thing he notes is how the little brother looks like the elder and is now staring at him puzzled.
"Akashi, this is my brother Arata; Arata, this is Akashi, he is my kouhai in the university."
The young boy bows slightly and though he seems distressed (and with a few bruises here and there on his face), his eyes are scrutinising Akashi's face and figure with curiosity.
Nijimura sighs and is about to talk when Akashi cuts him off right in time (and it is deliberate),
"I'll take you two home."
"You have a car? How old are you?!" the younger interjects and Nijimura punches his shoulder lightly in reprimand,
"Be respectful. I said he is my kouhai, he is a second year university student."
The boy "ow"s at the gesture, rubbing his shoulder and murmuring something about it being already hurt,
"Good. I hope it hurts even more. I hope it breaks. Actually, y'know what, when we get home I'll break all your bones and complete the masterpiece they left unfinished."
"They didn'tget to break my bones..." the boy mumbles with a defiant glare despite his obvious embarrassment,
"Such a pity!"
Akashi clears his throat and that seems to work to get the two bickering brothers out of their fit. He points his head towards the car before starting to walk and the other two follow him obediently; he smiles to himself, satisfied that his authoritative aura holds true over such 'delinquents'.
"You have called your mother, right?" Akashi asks, just to be sure, Nijimura would but he was still panicked when they first entered the station, so he is checking just in case.
"Yes, I did and that's the only reason why this little prick is still alive."
"You know when you threaten me like that and then say that I should not fight, it doesn't really convince- Wait! What?! Wow! Akashi-san isfilthy rich!"
Akashi is glad that his car was able to break the boy's sentence because without even looking back he is sure Nijimura's eyes have already donned hues of remorse and insecurity. His past as a delinquent is his weak point; he does not wear his prowess in fighting as a badge of honour either, or his quick temper, but instead as marks of shame…
"Yes, I am," Akashi responds as if he is talking about the most mundane fact of life as he presses the button on the remote to unlock the doors; in fairness to him, being filthy rich has been the most mundane fact of his life since he was born. He had not chosen his car because he wanted to show off his wealth though; the idea has forever been ridiculous and unnecessary to him. He simply has always liked strong German cars and well, black is his favourite colour alongside red and Nijimura had been adamant for him to not get a red one, even declaring that he would never ride with him in that case and claiming the colour would make Akashi look like a "pimp" or "boytoy". Akashi was not fully convinced with those arguments, but he was equally content with a black one so he did not push the matter further.
Nijimura first shoves his brother to the backside like a police officer arresting a criminal and then walks around the car to hop into the passenger seat on the front. He enters the address of his family home to the GPS himselfas Akashi starts the car.
The younger Nijimura silently observes Akashi all the way home, obviously with avid interest and wonder; it feels nostalgic in a can recall how the older Nijimura himself had regarded him in their first meeting in Teikou. There is more to 'Nijimura Junior's curiosity though, Akashi is aware of the questions simmering in the younger's mind:
What is Akashi to Nijimura?
Why would a random kouhai take you to another city to save your bratty brother?
How did they meet?
Why are Akashi's eyes of two different colour?
Is Akashi really rich?
Akashi opts to gracefully ignore the attention but at one point Nijimura himself boils up:
"Stop staring you idiot."
The young boy blushes then, it is pretty on his youthful face, and Akashi laments that he has never seen Nijimura the older blush during their middle school days, not like that anyway; it would have been nice, it would have been a beautiful memory to cherish.
When they arrive, Nijimura sighs loudly and invites Akashi home who first declines politely but Nijimura insists,
"My mother would kill me. She specifically mentioned to treat you to dinner."
"She is too kind." Akashi replies and it is not a superficial comment for politesse, he means it.
Nijimura household is not big but not tiny either. It is not immaculate but it is not messy either. It is not fancy but it is not poor either. It is average, perfectly average. Just as it is average, it is obviously a 'home' and not just a household.
It is exactly as Akashi has expected; he is positively unsurprised.
"Arata, go to your room. You are not getting out until I call for dinner. Grounded."
"What? Why?!"
"Really? Are you really going to ask me 'why'? You little–"
Arata pointedly looks at Akashi, "we have guests you know" is what he is saying with his stare and Nijimura swallows the profanities at the tip of his tongue as a result, despite Akashi has heard even the worst of them in the past;
"Just… go to your room."
The boy leaves at the command though murmuring some last words of rebellion at his older eyes follow Akashi until he disappears on the stairs. Nijimura sighs tiredly and walks into the kitchen, plopping himself on one of the chairs around the table in the palms cover his he is terribly fatigued, completely spentand Akashi can clearly see that.
"Thank you..." Nijimura mumbles a few silent moments later and Akashi takes the chair across him only then, as if that was the invitation he was waiting for, softly replying, "Not at all."
"You're not gonna ask what was it?"
"A childish fight is what was it, I'm sure."
"Yes. My God... Akashi... he… he is just like me. The temper. The stubbornness. What the hell I'm gonna do?!"
Akashi would cup his cheek and touch his hand if they were in his apartment; here he clears his throat to get Nijimurato look at him,
"If he is indeed just like you, then there is nothing for you to worry about."
A second of happy bemusement later, a bittersweet smirk tugs on Nijimura's lips,
"A compliment from you is quite a big thing, I'm aware but trust me; I was no good."
"We learn how to be good by making some no good moves, Nijimura-san."
"Even you?"
Akashi smiles. There are so many people he would not even tolerate such a question from. The honesty and truth he dares share with Nijimura confuses (and terrifies) him sometimes. This time though, he only feels at peace as he answers:
"Yes, even me."
Nijimura exhales loudly, obviously not content with the answers he is getting, Akashi reclines a little on the chair and unbuttons the first two buttons of his salmon coloured dress shirt,
"It is normal for children his age to get into fights due to hormonal changes and adolescent angst. It is likely a sign of wanting attention too. And I'm not going to sugar-coat this: it probably has to do with absence of a father as well. But he is a good boy, you are a great older brother, and your family is a loving one. He will be fine. You will be fine."
Brutally analytical and honest answer somehow satisfies Nijimura more – Akashi cannot help but feel entertained by this fact. It is too queer; anyone else would have felt more touched at his previous words of affectionate encouragement. They were equally sincere too. But Nijimura is not anyone else; and that's exactly why they can get along so well.
"You sure?"
"You cannot be doubting my words now, could you?"
"I thought that was the reason why you were so fond of me?"
The last words are said in a quiet voice, evidently a secret shared; it amuses Akashi, he smiles, sincerely glad at the tiny moment of intimacy and the slight relief in Nijimura's tone,
"At times. Only at times. Do not doubt me when I say this: you will be fine."
"Fine. If 'the emperor' says so."
"Well good to see you are back to your ironically condescending ways."
"Come on, it's not condescending."
"Really? I thought that was the reason why I – a guest – was not even offered anything to drink yet?"
Nijimura's eyes widen,"You are joking."
"Am I?"
Nijimura chuckles and Akashi finally feels comfort wash over his heart. So he himself was worried too, he realises. It is curious how he has not realised it until that offers oolong tea and they drink together making small talk about Nijimura's also calls his sister to buy some groceries on the way home when she is coming from school. When she arrives, Akashi revels in the innocent bashfulness of the girl while Nijimura keeps giving horrified glances to her.
"I'm sure I am not her type," Akashi jokes at one point in a whisper, when she has momentarily left the kitchen, but the comment seems to only rile Nijimura up further.
He cooks the dinner and his sister helps. Akashi observes them bicker and chatter, her scolding Nijimura for cutting the mushrooms too crudely, her chiding of their younger brother for the trouble he caused, something about teenage boys being "half brained" (she immediately corrects that she has no doubt Akashi-san was not like that and Nijimura absentmindedly nods in reminiscence)…The smell of food being cooked engulfs the whole kitchen, aroma of the spices and the broth... Indeed, it is the kind of household exactly as Akashi has imagined and he revels in the sweet, sweet banality of it all.
For, luxury is overrated.
For, mansions are overrated.
Why would you need large tables only for two individuals? Why would you need twelve bedrooms and five bathrooms? Why would you need decares of gardens that nobody visits but the gardeners? Why would you need a hallway the size of a mediocre apartment? Why would you need kitchens that owners of the house almost never visit?
He is not used to social proximity of this sort, he is not used to houses like this, he is not used to kitchens like this, but somehow it feels all right, it feels calming, it feels comfortable, it feels… just right. In fact, it feels very much like Nijimura; how he struts around Akashi'sapartment and leaves the house never as immaculate as he found it but never messy either, pots with warm food on the stove, quiet chit chat as he cooks, and those times too Akashi simply sits and does whatever he needs to do as he steals glances at Nijimura.
There is comfort, there is warmth, and there is love ingrained to every centimetre of this space that Akashi has never been able to find in the grand mansions of his family in Kyoto or Tokyo.
Dinner starts and it is noisy;the sister taunts the newly delinquent brother who joins them for dinner and they bicker, Nijimura makes chiding comments now and then, little brother complains about elder's cooking and "unjust lectures", both of the younger siblings are very curious about Akashi, "I want to be a lawyer too!" the sister interjects, the brother scoffs, they chat a little about life back in the States versus here, surprised to learn that Akashi has visited the US, even more surprised to learn that Akashi has visited many other countries as well, questions about this or that far away place arise and Akashi answers them all politely in few words as he eats his meal.
"You are weird." Arata comments then out of blue and Nijimura seems ready to headbutt him which is actually stupidly endearing to Akashi for some reason.
"Why do you think so?" the redhead asks before Nijimura can yell at the impoliteness of his younger brother,
"I mean... You're uber polite and you eat as if you're in a fancy restaurant or something and… that car! You're really loaded right? Why are you friends with an ill-tempered and bleak person like aniki?"
"What the-" Nijimura cannot finish his sentence because his sister cuts him off,
"I will have to agree with that too, I mean, I like oniichan and he is okay in his own ways but… really, you look more like 'the senpai' than him."
"I cannot believe this. You too? Really? Does anybody value me in this family?!"
They shrug and Nijimura scowls and his sister jumps at the gesture;
"See – that right there! Look at that weird scowl he wears all the time! Mum says he'll get wrinkles before he even gets married and then he won't be able to find a wife because, which woman will marry a man who has wrinkles at such a young age?"
Akashi chuckles, a mischievous idea flickers through his mind,
"I'm sure you both know very well the good points of your me reveal them so he can be flustered is a rather mischievous plan and I won't fall for it. Let me just say… I wouldn't mind having a brother like him."
Nijimura's face turns really sour at that last comment and Akashi smirks, the two younger siblings look at their brother in confusion, unable to understand what part of such a civil compliment actually disturbed Nijimura, which only further deepens Nijimura's frown.
"You're all insufferable..." he groans.
It is about 7 pm when Akashi leaves their house, Nijimura will stay with his siblings; his mother will come late at they finally have a couple of minutes alone, outside in front of the car, Akashi reminds him,
"Do not be tough on your brother, okay? Be as how your father has been to you."
"Okay... Um… Sei?"
Akashi holds himself sternly to not smile at the sweetness of the change in tone; it would fluster Nijimura and though the sight would be lovely it would bother the said man for the moment,
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"There is no reason to thank me. I am content if I was of any help."
"You were. A lot."
"I'm glad. Can I also confess something?"
Nijimura does not ask what was it that he himself confessed, for it to be a matter of"also" – they are both aware of the intimate feelings just bared, the delicate emotions exposed and defenceless,
"Sure?"
"If I could, I would have liked to hold you right now, but I will once you are back home. I promise you, it will be fine, it will be all fine; and you should believe it, since it is I who is promising."
The statement bewilders Nijimura at first, he blinks a few times, and perhaps it is an odd statement, but Akashi recognises that the sheer difference in the nature of their emotions is an issue in itself and warrants confirmation at times. Love is already a frail creature, a matter of faith; it is more so fragile when the participants' characteristics are deeply disparate. And just what other occasion to reassure the other, than when he is feeling the weakest, the most uncertain?
Normally, Akashi would have calculated such a move and executed professionally; he is pleased with himself that it came to him naturally at that moment… No prior plan, no calculated gain; just the words appearing in his mind and requesting to be told.
Nijimura nods and clears his throat, "I should be back tomorrow."
"Have a good night."
"You too."
Akashi arrives home more than an hour unlocks the key to his home and finds it not impeccable but not cluttered either – his housekeeper will come tomorrow anyway. He can smell a fading scent of ginger and curry, courtesy of the Singapore-style noodles Nijimura cooked for him the night before. There are two empty glasses of wine in the sink waiting to be cleaned.
And that is when it hits him.
It hits him how his life has come to entangle with Nijimura's so intricately. It hits him how the cynicism of a couple of months ago has faded away almost completely, leaving behind astrong determination and peaceful agreement. It hits him that his solitude does not burden him, but neither the company of another. It hits him that he likes this – this acceptance that includes recognition of how different he is, and that it is okay, it is all right to not be the same yet to be in each other's lives…
It hits him that he is being loved and he loves, surely not in the same way, surely not in the same tone, surely not in the same shade; yet it is equally beautiful and he is content, very, very content.
It hits him and suddenly he feels better and more powerful than he has in years.