disclaimer: I don't own SON/beautiful Disaster

Chapter 10

Two tables over, one table back. Kyla and Aiden were barely visible from my seat, and I hunched over, watching Ashley stare at the empty chair I usually occupied before sitting at the end of the lunch table. I felt ridiculous for hiding, but I wasn't prepared to sit across from her for an entire hour. When I finished my meal, I took a deep breath and walked outside to where Ashley was finishing her cigarette.

I had spent most of the night trying to form a plan to get us to where we were before. If I treated our encounter the way she regarded sex in general, I would have a better chance. The plan risked losing her altogether, but I hoped her enormous ego would force her to play it off the same way.

"Hey," I smiled.

She grimaced. "Hey. I thought you'd be at lunch."

"I had to run in and out, I have to study," I shrugged, doing my best impression of casual.

"Need some help?"

"It's Calculus. I think I've got it handled."

"I can just hang out for moral support" she smiled, digging her hand into her pocket. The solid muscles in her arm tensed with the movement, and the thought of them flexing as she pumped her fingers inside me replayed with vivid detail in my head.

"Er…what?" I asked, disoriented from the sudden erotic thought that had flashed in my mind.

"Are we supposed to pretend the other night never happened?"

"No, why?" I feigned confusion and she sighed, frustrated with my behavior.

"I don't know…because I took your virginity?" She leaned toward me, saying the words in a hushed voice.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure it's not the first time you've deflowered a virgin, Ash."

Just as I had feared, my casual demeanor made her angry. "As a matter of fact, it was ."

"C'mon…I said I didn't want any weirdness between us."

Ashley took one last drag of her cigarette and flicked it to the ground. "Well, if I've learned anything in the last few days, it's that you don't always get what you want."

"Hey, Spen," Parker said, kissing my cheek.

Ashley glowered at Parker with a murderous expression.

"I'll pick you up around six?" Parker said.

I nodded. "Six."

"See you in a bit," he said, continuing to class. I watched him walk away, afraid to endure the consequences of the last ten seconds.

"You're going out with him tonight?" Ashley seethed. Her jaw was clenched, and I could see it working under her skin.

"I told you he was going to ask me out after I got back to Morgan. He called me yesterday."

"Things have changed a little bit since that conversation, don't you think?"

"Why?"

She walked away from me, and I swallowed, trying to keep the tears at bay. Ashley stopped and came back, leaning into my face. "That's why you said I wouldn't miss you after today! You knew I'd find out about you and Parker, and you thought I'd just…what? Get over you? Do you not trust me, or am I just not good enough? Tell me, damn it! Tell me what the fuck I did to you to make you do this!"

I stood my ground, staring straight into her eyes. "You didn't do anything to me. Since when is sex so life or death to you?"

"Since it was with you!"

I glanced around, seeing that we were making a scene. People were walking by slowly, staring and whispering to each other. I felt my ears burn, and it spread across my face, making my eyes water.

She closed her eyes, trying to compose herself before she spoke again. "Is that it? You don't think it meant anything to me?"

"You are Ashley Fuckin Davies."

She shook her head, disgusted. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were shoving my past in my face."

"I don't think four weeks ago constitutes the past ." Her face contorted and I laughed. "I'm kidding! Ashley, it's fine. I'm fine, you're fine. There's no need to make a big deal of it."

All emotion disappeared from her face and she took a deep breath through her nose. "I know what you're trying to do." Her eyes unfocused for a moment, lost in thought. "I'll just have to prove it to you, then." Her eyes narrowed as she looked into my eyes, determined as she was before one of her fights. "If you think I'm just going to go back to fucking around, you're wrong. I don't want anyone else. You wanna be friends? Fine, we're friends. But you and I both know that what happened wasn't just sex."

She stormed past me and I closed my eyes, exhaling the breath I didn't know I'd been holding. Ashley glanced back at me, and then continued to her next class. An escaping tear fell down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. The curious stares of my classmates targeted my back as I plodded to class.

Parker was on the second row, and I slid into the desk next to him.

A grin stretched across his face. "I'm looking forward to tonight."

I took a breath and smiled, trying to change gears from my conversation with Ashley. "What's the plan?"

"Well, I'm all settled in my apartment. I thought we'd have dinner there."

"I'm looking forward to tonight, too," I said, trying to convince myself.

With Kylas refusal to help, Kara was a reluctant assistant to aid me in choosing a dress for my date with Parker. As soon as I pulled it on over my head, I yanked it off and slipped on a pair of jeans instead. After brooding about my failed plan all afternoon, I couldn't talk myself into dressing up. Keeping the cool weather in mind, I pulled on an thin, ivory cashmere sweater over a brown tank top, and waited by the door. When Parker's shiny Porsche pulled in front of Morgan, I pushed my way out the door before he had time to make it up the walk.

"I was going to come get you," he said, disappointed as he held open the door.

"Then I saved you a trip," I said, buckling my seat belt.

He slid in beside me and leaned over, touching each side of my face, kissing me with his plush, soft lips. "Wow," he breathed, "I've missed your mouth."

His breath was minty, his cologne smelled incredible, his hands were warm and soft, and he looked fantastic in his jeans and green dress shirt, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. That excitement I had in the beginning was noticeably absent, and I silently cursed Ashley for taking that away.

I forced a smile. "I'm going to take that as a compliment."

His apartment was exactly as I had imagined: Immaculate, with expensive electronics in every corner, and most likely decorated by his mother.

"So? What do you think?" he said, grinning like a child showing off a new toy.

"It's great," I nodded.

His expression changed from playful to intimate, and he pulled me into his arms, kissing my neck. Every muscle in my body tensed. I wanted to be anywhere than in that apartment.

My cell phone rang, and I offered him an apologetic smile before answering.

"How's the date goin', Pidge?"

I turned my back to Parker and whispered into the phone. "What do you need, Ashley?" I tried to make my tone sharp, but it was softened by my relief to hear her voice.

"I wanna go bowling tomorrow. I need my partner."

" Bowling ? You couldn't have called me later?" I felt like a hypocrite for saying the words, knowing I had hoped for an excuse to keep Parker's lips off of me.

"How am I supposed to know when you're gonna get done? Oh. That didn't come out right…" she trailed off, sounding amused with herself.

"I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk about it then, okay?"

"No, it's not okay. You said you wanna be friends, but we can't hang out?" I rolled my eyes, and Ashley huffed. "Don't roll your eyes at me. Are you coming or not?"

"How did you know I rolled my eyes? Are you stalking me?" I asked, noting the drawn curtains.

"You always roll your eyes. Yes? No? You're wasting precious date time."

She knew me so well. I fought the urge to ask her to pick me up right then. I couldn't help but smile at the thought.

"Yes!" I said in a hushed voice, trying not to laugh. "I'll go."

"I'll pick you up at seven."

I turned to Parker, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

"Ashley?" he asked with a knowing expression.

"Yes," I frowned, caught.

"You're still just friends?"

"Still just friends," I nodded once.

We sat at the table, eating Chinese take-out. I warmed up to him after awhile, and he reminded me of how charming he was. I felt lighter, almost giggly, a marked change from earlier. As hard as I tried to push the thought from my head, I couldn't deny that it was my plans with Ashley that had brightened my mood.

After dinner, we sat on the couch to

watch a movie, but before the beginning credits were over, Parker had me on my back. I was glad I had chosen to wear jeans; I wouldn't have been able to fend him off as easily in a dress. His lips traveled down to my collarbone, and his hand stopped at my belt. He clumsily worked to pull it open, and once it popped, I slid out from under him to stand up.

"Okay! I think a single is all you'll be hitting tonight," I said, buckling my belt.

"What?"

"First base….second base? Never mind. It's late, I better go."

He sat up and gripped my legs. "Don't go, Spen. I don't want you to think that's why I brought you here."

"Isn't it?"

"Of course not," he said, pulling me onto his lap. "You're all I've thought about for two weeks. I apologize for being impatient."

He kissed my cheek, and I leaned into him, smiling when his breath tickled my neck. I turned to him and pressed my lips against his, trying my hardest to feel something—but I didn't. I pulled away from him and sighed.

Parker furrowed his brow. "I said I was sorry."

"I said it was late."

We drove to Morgan, and Parker squeezed my hand after he kissed me goodnight. "Let's try again. Biasetti's tomorrow?"

I pressed my lips together. "I'm bowling with Ashley tomorrow."

"Wednesday, then?"

"Wednesday's great," I said, offering a contrived smile.

Parker shifted in his seat. He was working up to something. "Spencer? There's a date party in a couple weekends at the House.…"

I inwardly cringed, dreading the discussion we would inevitably have.

"What?" he asked, chuckling nervously.

"I can't go with you," I said, letting myself out of the car.

He followed, meeting me at the Morgan entrance. "You have plans?"

I winced. "I have plans…Ashley already asked me."

"Ashley asked you what?"

"To the date party," I explained, a bit frustrated.

Parker's face flushed, and he shifted his weight. "You're going to the date party with Ashely ? She doesn't go to those things. And you're just friends. It doesn't make sense for you to go with her."

"Kyla wouldn't go with Aid unless I went."

He relaxed. "Then you can go with me," he smiled, intertwining his fingers in mine.

I grimaced at his solution. "I can't cancel with Ashley, and then go with you."

"I don't see the problem," he shrugged. "You can be there for Kyla, and Ashley will get out of having to go. She is a staunch advocate for doing away with date parties. She thinks it's a platform for our girlfriends to force us to declare a relationship."

"It was me that didn't want to go. She talked me into it."

"Now you have an excuse," he shrugged. He was maddeningly confident that I was going to change my mind.

"I didn't want to go at all ."

Parker's patience had run out. "I just

want to be clear; you don't want to go to the date party. Ashley wants to go, she asked you, and you won't cancel with her to go with me, even though you didn't want to go in the first place?"

I had a hard time meeting his glare. "I can't do that to her, Parker, I'm sorry."

"Do you understand what a date party is? It's something you go to with your boyfriend."

His patronizing tone made any empathy I'd felt for him disappear. "Well, I don't have a one, so technically I shouldn't go at all."

"I thought we were going to try again. I thought we had something."

"I am trying."

"What do you expect me to do? Sit at home alone while you're at my fraternity's date party with someone else? Should I ask another girl?"

"You can do what you want," I said, irritated with his threat.

He looked up and shook his head. "I don't want to ask another girl."

"I don't expect you not to go to your own party. I'll see you there."

"You want me to ask someone else? And you're going with Ashely. Do you not see how completely absurd that is?"

I crossed my arms, ready for a fight. "I told her I would go before you and I ever went out, Parker. I can't cancel on her."

"You can't, or you don't want to?"

"Same difference. I'm sorry that you don't understand." I pulled the door open to Morgan, and Parker put his hand on mine.

"All right," he sighed in resignation. "This is obviously an issue I'm going to have to work through. Ashley is one of your best friends, I do understand that. I don't want it to affect our relationship. Okay?"

"Okay," I said, nodding.

He opened the door and gestured me to walk through, kissing my cheek before I walked inside. "See you Wednesday at six?"

"Six," I smiled, waving as I walked up the stairs.

Kyla was walking out of the shower room when I turned the corner, and her eyes brightened when she recognized me. "Hey, chickie! How'd it go?"

"It went," I said, deflated.

"Uh oh."

"Don't tell Ashley, okay?"

She huffed. "I won't. What happened?"

"Parker asked me to the date party."

Kyla tightened her towel. "You're not bailing on Ash, are you?"

"No, and Parker's not happy about it."

"Understandable," she said, nodding. "It's also too damn bad then"

Kyla pulled the strands of her long, wet hair over one shoulder, and drops of water trickled down her bare skin. She was a walking contradiction. She applied to Eastern so we could move together. She was my self-proclaimed conscience, intent on stepping in when I gave into my imbedded tendencies to fly off track. It went against everything we talked about for me to get involved with Ashley, and she had become her overly-enthusiastic cheerleader.

I leaned against the wall. "Would you be mad if I didn't go at all?"

"No, I would be unbelievably and irrevocably pissed off. That's grounds for a full blown cat fight, Spence."

"Then I guess I'm going," I said, shoving my key in the lock. My cell phone rang, and a picture of Ashley making a funny face appeared on the display. "Hello?"

"You home, yet?"

"Yeah, he dropped me off about five minutes ago."

"I'll be there in five more."

"Wait! Ashley?" I said after she'd hung up.

Kyla laughed. "You just had a disappointing date with Parker, and you smiled when Ashley called. Are you really that dense?"

"I didn't smile," I protested. "She's coming here. Will you meet her outside and tell her I went to bed?"

"You did, too, and no…go tell her yourself."

"Yes, Ky, me going out there to tell her I'm in bed is so gonna work." She turned her back to me, walking to her room. I threw up my hands, letting them fall to my thighs. "Ky! Please?"

"Have fun, Spence," she smiled, disappearing into her room.

I walked down the stairs to see Ashley on her motorcycle, parked at the front steps. She wore a white t-shirt with black artwork, setting off the tattoos on her arm.

"Aren't you cold?" I asked, tugging my jacket tighter.

"You look nice. Did you have a good time?"

"Uh…yeah, thanks," I said, distracted. "What are you doing here?"

She pulled back the throttle, and the engine snarled. "I was going to take a ride to clear my head. I want you to come with me."

"It's cold, Ash."

"You want me to go get Aids car?"

"We're going bowling tomorrow. Can't you wait until then?"

"I went from being with you every second of the day to seeing you for ten minutes if I'm lucky."

I smiled and shook my head. "It's only been two days, Ash."

"I miss you. Get your ass on the seat and let's go."

I couldn't argue. I missed her, too. More than I would ever admit to her. I zipped up my jacket and climbed on behind her, slipping my fingers through the belt loops of her jeans. She pulled my wrists below her chest and then folded them across one another. Once she was satisfied that I was holding her tightly enough, she took off, racing down the road.

I rested my cheek against her back and closed my eyes, breathing in her scent. It reminded me of her apartment, and her sheets, and the way she smelled when she walked around with a just towel around her. The city blurred past us, and I didn't care how fast she was driving, or how cold the wind was as it whipped across my skin; I wasn't even paying attention to where we were. The only thing I could think about was her body against mine. We had no destination or time frame, and we drove the streets long after they had been abandoned by everyone but us.

Ashley pulled into a gas station and parked. "You want anything?" She asked.

I shook my head, climbing off the bike to stretch my legs. She watched me rake my fingers through the tangles in my hair, and smiled.

"Quit it. You're fucking beautiful."

"Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video," I said.

She laughed, and then yawned, swatting at the moths that buzzed around her. The nozzle clicked, sounding louder than it should in the quiet night. We seemed to be the only two people on earth.

I pulled out my cell phone to check the time. "Oh my God, Ash. It's three in the morning."

"You wanna go back?" She asked, her face shadowed with disappointment.

I pressed my lips together. "We better."

"We're still going bowling tonight?"

"I told you I would."

"And you're still going to Sig Tau with me in a couple weeks, right?"

"Are you insinuating that I don't follow through? I find that a little insulting."

She pulled the nozzle from her tank and hooked it on its base. "I just never know what you're going to do anymore."

She sat on her bike and helped me to climb on behind her. I hooked my fingers in her belt loops and then thought better of it, wrapping my arms around her.

She sighed and leaned the bike upright, reluctant to start the engine. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the handle bars. She took a breath, beginning to speak, and then shook her head.

"You're important to me, you know," I said, squeezing her.

"I don't understand you, Pigeon. I thought I knew women, but you're so fucking confusing I don't know which way is up."

"I don't understand you, either. You're supposed to be Eastern's untamed womanizer. I'm not getting the full freshmen experience they promised in the brochure," I teased.

"Well, that's a first. I've never had a girl sleep with me to get me to leave her alone," she said, keeping her back to me.

"That's not what it was, Ashley," I lied, ashamed that she had guessed my intentions without realizing how right she was.

She shook her head and started the engine, pulling out onto the street. She drove uncharacteristically slow, stopping at all the yellow lights, taking the long way to campus.

When we pulled in front of the entrance of Morgan Hall, the same sadness I felt the night I left the apartment consumed me. It knew it was ridiculous to be so emotional, but each time I did something to push her away, I was terrified it would work.

She walked me to the door, and I pulled out my keys, avoiding her eyes. As I fumbled with the metal in my hand, her hand was suddenly at my chin, her thumb softly touching my lips.

"Did he kiss you?" She asked.

I pulled away, surprised that her fingers caused a burning feeling that seared every nerve from my mouth to my toes. "You really know how to screw up a perfect night, don't you?"

"You thought it was perfect, huh? Does that mean you had a good time?"

"I always do when I'm with you."

She looked to the ground and her

eyebrows pulled together. "Did he kiss you?"

"Yes," I sighed, irritated.

Her eyes closed tight. "Is that all?"

"That is none of your business!" I said, yanking open the door.

Ashley pushed it closed and stood in my way, her expression apologetic. "I need to know."

"No you don't! Move, Ashley!"

"Pigeon…,"

"You think because I'm no longer a virgin, I'll screw anyone that'll have me? Thanks !" I said, shoving her.

"I didn't say that, damn it! Is it too much to ask for a little peace of mind?"

" Why would it give you peace of mind to know if I'm sleeping with Parker?"

"How can you not know? It's obvious to everyone else but you!" She said, exasperated.

"I guess I'm just an idiot, then. You're on a roll tonight, Ash," I said, reaching for the door handle.

She gripped my shoulders. "The way I feel about you…it's crazy."

"You got the crazy part right," I snapped, pulling away from her.

"I practiced this in my head the whole time we were on the bike, so just hear me out," she said.

"Ashley—,"

"I know we're fucked up, all right? I'm impulsive, and hot-tempered, and you get under my skin like no one else. You act like you hate me one minute, and then you need me the next. I never get anything right, and I don't deserve you…but I fucking love you, Spencer. I love you more than I've loved anyone or anything, ever. When you're around, I don't need booze, or money, or the fighting, or the one-night stands…all I need is you. You're all I think about. You're all I dream about. You're all I want."

My plan to feign ignorance was an epic fail. I couldn't pretend to be impervious when she had laid all of her cards on the table. When we met, something inside both of us had changed, and whatever that was, it made us need each other. For reasons unknown to me, I was her exception, and as much as I had tried to fight my feelings, she was mine.

She shook her head, cupped each side of my face, and looked into my eyes. "Did you sleep with him?"

Hot tears filled my eyes as I shook my head no. She slammed her lips against mine, and her tongue entered my mouth without hesitation. Unable to control myself, I gripped her shirt in my fists, and pulled her to me. She hummed in her amazing, raspy voice, and gripped me so tight that it was difficult to breathe.

She pulled back, breathless. "Call Parker. Tell him you don't wanna see him anymore. Tell him you're with me."

I closed my eyes. "I can't be with you, Ashley."

"Why the hell not?" She said, letting go.

I shook my head, afraid of her reaction to the truth.

She laughed once. "Unbelievable. The one girl I want, and she doesn't want me."

I swallowed, knowing I would have to get closer to the truth than I had in months. "When Kyla and I moved out here, it was with the understanding that my life was going to turn out a certain way. Or, that it wouldn't turn out a certain way. The fighting, the gambling, the drinking…it's what I left behind. When I'm around you…it's all right there for me in an irresistible, tattooed package. I didn't move hundreds of miles away to live it all over again."

She pulled my chin up so that I would face her. "I know you deserve better than me. You think I don't know that? But if there was any woman made for me…it's you. I'll do whatever I have to do, Pidge. Do you hear me? I'll do anything."

I turned away from her grip, ashamed that I couldn't tell her the truth. I was the one that wasn't good enough. I would be the one to ruin everything; to ruin her. She would hate me one day, and I couldn't see the look in her eye when she came to that conclusion.

She held the door shut with her hand. "I'll stop fighting the second I graduate. I won't drink a single drop again. I'll give you the happy ever after, Pigeon. If you just believe in me, I can do it."

"I don't want you to change."

"Then tell me what to do. Tell me and I'll do it," she pleaded.

Any thoughts of being with Parker were long gone, and I knew it was because of my feelings for Ashley. I thought about the different paths my life would take from that moment—trusting Ashley with a leap of faith and risking the unknown, or pushing her away and knowing exactly where I would end up, which included a life without her—either decision terrified me.

"Can I borrow your phone?" I asked.

Ashley pulled her brows together, confused. "Sure," she said, pulling her phone from her pocket, handing it to me.

I dialed, and then closed my eyes as it rang in my ear.

"Ashley? What the hell? Do you know what time it is?" Parker answered. His voice was deep and raspy, and I instantly felt my heart vibrating in my chest. It hadn't occurred to me that he would know I had called from Ashley's phone.

My next words somehow found their way to my trembling lips. "I'm sorry for calling you so early, but this couldn't wait. I…can't go to dinner with you on Wednesday."

"It's almost four in the morning, Spencer. What's going on?"

"I can't see you at all, actually."

"Spen..."

"I'm…pretty sure I'm in love with Ashley," I said, bracing for his reaction.

After a few moments of shocked silence, he hung up in my ear.

My eyes still focused on the pavement, I handed Ashley her phone, and then reluctantly peered up at her expression. A combination of confusion, shock, and adoration scrolled across her face.

"He hung up," I grimaced.

She scanned my face with careful hope in her eyes. "You love me?"

"It's the tattoos," I shrugged.

A wide smile stretched across her face, making her nose crinkle . "Come home with me," she said, enveloping me in her arms.

My eyebrows shot up. "You said all that to get me in bed? I must have made quite an impression."

"The only thing I'm thinking about right now is holding you in my arms all night."

"Let's go," I smiled.

Despite the excessive speed and the shortcuts, the ride to the apartment seemed endless. When we finally arrived, Ashley carried me up the stairs. I giggled against her lips as she fumbled to unlock the door. When she set me on my feet and closed the door behind us, she let out a long, relieved sigh.

"It hasn't seemed like home since you left," she said, kissing my lips.

Toto scampered down the hall and wagged his tiny tail, pawing at my legs. I cooed at him as I lifted him off the floor.

Aidens bed squeaked, and then his feet left-linkright-link stomped across the floor. His door flew open as he squinted from the light. "Fuck no, Ash, you're not pulling this shit! You're in love with Sp..." his eyes focused and he recognized his mistake, "…by. Hey, Spence."

"Hey, Aid," I smiled, setting Toto on the floor.

Ashley pulled me past her still-shocked cousin, and kicked the door shut behind us, pulling me into her arms and kissing me without a second thought, as if we had done it a million times before. I pulled her shirt over her head, and she slipped my jacket off my shoulders. I stopped kissing her long enough to remove my sweater and tank top, and then crashed into her again. We undressed each other, and within seconds she lowered me to her mattress. She pressed her chest against mine, and kissed me tenderly. "Are you sure?"

I let my hands glide from her shoulders to her backside and pulled her against me. She closed her eyes, and let out a long, deep groan.

"Oh my God, Spencer," she breathed. She rocked into me again, another hum emanating from her throat. "Holy shit, you feel amazing."

"Is it different?"

She looked into my eyes. "It's different with you, anyway, but," she took in a deep breath and tensed again, closing her eyes for a moment, "I'm never going to be the same after this."

Her lips searched every inch of my neck, and when she found her way to my mouth, I sunk my fingertips into her shoulders, losing myself in the intensity of the kiss.

Ashley brought my hands above my head and intertwined her fingers with mine, squeezing my hands every time we rocked into each other. Our movements became a bit rougher, and I dug my nails into her hands, my insides tensing with incredible force.

I cried out, biting my lip and clenching my eyes shut.

She rocked into me again, groaning so loudly that I covered her mouth. After a few labored breaths, she looked into my eyes, and then kissed me over and over. Her hands cupped each side of my face and then she kissed me again, slower, more tender. She touched her lips to mine, and then my cheeks, my forehead, my nose, and then finally returned to my lips.

I smiled and sighed, exhaustion setting in. Ashley pulled me next to her, situating the covers over us. I rested my cheek against her chest, and she kissed my forehead once more, locking her fingers together behind me.

"Don't leave this time, okay? I wanna wake up just like this in the morning."

I kissed her chest, feeling guilty that she had to ask. "I'm not going anywhere."