Chapter 3
My limbs are heavy and difficult to move, it feels as if the blood running through my veins has turned to lead. I cannot open my eyes for all I see is black. I cannot hear the sound of my own breathing for there is no oxygen.
Only water.
I feel my anxiety levels rising, further and further beyond my control. My heart is thumping ten to the dozen in my chest as if it wants to break free.
I slowly bring my hands to my face and pinch my cheeks. I'm here, it's ok.
This isn't real.
I can feel Tobias' bed underneath me, the duvet wrapped around me. His arm is draped around my middle and I can feel him. I just can't open my eyes.
In my mind's eye, I am thousands of feet underwater and unable to surface. I am scrambling to come back to the present, to open my eyes and see him lying next to me.
I feel myself slipping away, further and further.
Help
I keep trying to scream, but there is nothing.
Fight it Tris, I know I can fight it.
Be brave. I hear Tobias' words in my mind, letting him bring me back to the present. Your body is in his bed, asleep next to him.
My eyelids drift open slowly. Between my lashes I can make out the figure hovering above me. His hands have a tight grip around my shoulders and he looks concerned.
"What was the nightmare about this time?" The beautiful knit between his eyebrows has returned once more.
"Um, the water, again." I can hardly speak the words, my throat is so dry. It's feels like I've been screaming for hours.
As if he could read my mind, he saunters over to the kitchen and brings me a precious glass of water.
I drink it down thirstily.
We don't discuss nightmares at any length, I'm pretty sure nobody here does. After initiation and repeating the fear landscape again and again, it never really leaves you. It can re-appear at any moment. However, the most daunting times are when I am semi-conscious and can feel my being but in my mind I am far, far away. Just like the fear landscape but without the serum.
"You're sweating Tris, why don't we go outside onto the balcony for some fresh air." He asks, although it's not as much of a question as a command.
I rise from the bed feeling extremely groggy and clamber with weak limbs through the window that leads onto the small balcony.
The sun is beginning to rise in the east, dawn not yet cracking.
The light shines between the abandoned buildings and I can faintly see the fence that guards our city.
I had never fully taken in the beauty of the view from Tobias' apartment until this very moment. This is the second time I have stood here.
My mind drifts back to the first, and I remember the first time we kissed, in this very spot.
I small laugh escapes from my lips.
"What are you giggling at over there?" He asks curiously.
"I just remembered something, that's all" I say, biting my lip.
He eyes me speculatively, and I see a ghost of a smile. I don't get to see them very often. His gaze drops to my lips, and heat forms in the pit of his eyes and burns into me.
He brings his hand up to my face and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. His hand doesn't leave but grasps around the back of my neck, pulling me further towards him.
Our lips meet and desire unfurls deep down within me. I run my hands through his unruly bed hair. The kiss becomes stronger, more insistent.
He's so much taller than I am, his large frame overwhelms me.
It has never scared me, it makes me feel protected.
Reluctantly, he pulls away.
Our breaths come out in short bursts.
"Tris." His eyes are no longer burning into me, they're scorching.
"Time to wake up the initiates." He snaps into his training instructor personality faster than a blink of an eye.
My first shift at work since the meeting with Darius passes quickly and without any conviction. I stare blankly at my monitor, looking out for anything suspicious. But since eight this morning, nothing seems out of place.
I have four cameras on a rotation. I am only allowed to monitor the Dauntless compound, because I am a transfer. Other Dauntless who work in the Control Room monitor the Abnegation sector and other parts of the city. My rotation includes the pit, the room with the net, the corridor outside of the training room and a second corridor outside the back entrance of the simulation room.
Uriah sits next to me absentmindedly picking at a muffin. I notice how he sometimes misses his mouth and shoves food straight onto his cheek. I can't help but giggle every time he does it. Both of his feet are propped up next to the monitor.
"You seem better stiff, everything ok after you left the other day?" He asks genuinely. If anybody else besides Uriah had asked me that, I would have taken it completely the wrong way, as if they were trying to fish for gossip. The one thing I love best about him is that he never has a bad word to say about anyone.
"Yeah, everything's fine. Thanks for asking though." I say politely.
"And how are you and Four?" He asks mockingly, fluttering his eyelashes to put extra emphasis in the question.
"Fine, thank you" I say, dead-pan.
He starts to giggle.
"Oh - I forgot to mention earlier, you will have eight cameras on your rotation tomorrow."
"Why so many?" I ask.
"Not too sure yet, nobody dares to ask Darius. They'll let us know eventually." He seems nonplussed. Although, I am a little peeved that Darius gave a full spiel about being honest with each other and hasn't thought to let any of us know why we will have double the amount of cameras to monitor.
"Shifts over stiff, now how's about something to eat?" He grins widely.
"It's always about food with you isn't it?" I laugh out loud.
He's logged out, stood up and just about to exit the room before I have even clicked a button.
"You go Uriah, I'll log out and catch you up."
I smile at him, and he leaves without a second thought.
I make my way to the cafeteria five minutes after Uriah left the Control Room.
I can't help but feel a little odd about the amount of cameras we will now have on rotation. I decide to take it up with Darius the next time I see him. Well, someone has to ask.
I run my hand against the wall of the corridor, along the bumps and curves. I drop it when I reach a curve that leads to an indent in the wall.
I remember when I first came to Dauntless and saw young couples making out in the small, enclosed area. I now understand it's because it's somewhere hidden away from the cameras so they wouldn't get caught.
I walk past without realising there was a man about to pounce from the shadows quicker than a hawk. He tugs at my shoulders so fast I have no time to react and before I know it I am pinned to the wall.
Nobody in the Control Room would ever notice, I would be walking down the corridor one moment, gone the next. They wouldn't think anything of it.
I feel my chest begin to rise and fall at a faster pace. Breathe.
In the darkness, I can hardly make out the figure stood in front of me.
Then I see them – piercings, everywhere.
Eric.
"Well, if it isn't the stiff." His voice is low and menacing.
Nothing to be afraid of, don't be scared. He is a coward.
He's holding me at arm's length, pinned against the wall.
"What are you even doing here? How did you get in without being noticed?"
After the attack on Abnegation ceased, it was discovered that Eric had been working alongside Jeanine Matthews. Unfortunately, he had escaped the same fate as Max.
I look down towards his clothes, he's certainly not wearing the Dauntless' black leather anymore. He's wearing mis-matched faction clothing.
"Oh, you're factionless now." I say, sounding like I couldn't care less. Which I don't.
His eyes follow mine, but when they return his expression has changed.
He no longer looks angry, he looks furious.
"I came to warn you and your little boyfriend, of course." Ignoring my observation. "I was hoping you would pass on a message for me. Tell him I know exactly who he is and I am not afraid to let everybody who is important in the factions know. So maybe once and for all Abnegation will get torn down from the pedestal they have been on since stopping the attack. Then everybody will know the truth - that they are nothing more than kiddie-beaters." His voice is full of malice.
I've managed to formulate a plan while listening to his message for Tobias.
I first of all make sure my expression doesn't give away my real emotions. This is going to be difficult to achieve, but I've got nothing to lose.
I put on my scared little girl mask. Making my eyes wide, fluttering my eyelashes and breathing irregularly. I pinch a bit of skin on my back between my thumb and forefinger as hard as I can. Luckily, Eric has no idea what I am doing.
Tears begin to swell in my eyes.
I see a satisfied smile across his face. Got him.
"Listen, Tris" his voice has become softer, almost gentle. "I know when you first came to Dauntless that Tobias was drawn to you and you to him because you were both transfers from Abnegation, but I could tell from the way you looked at me it wasn't him you really wanted. I could see the way you looked at me, the way you breathed when you were around me. I could almost smell the wetness in your panties." He used his name on purpose.
He edges closer and closer towards me. He traps his thumb between my teeth and begins to pull my jaw closer to him.
Trying to ignore the bile rising in my throat, I manage to stay stock still. Never faltering eye contact.
Three, two, one.
I bite down on his thumb until I can taste blood. In the same second I draw my knee up as swiftly as possible and direct it straight to the area which will double him over enough time for me to run.
I can hear the pain in his screech, but I don't care. I'm so far down the corridor he will never catch me.
He should have been smarter to know not to mess with a Dauntless. Guess there was another reason he transferred, after all.
The dining hall is buzzing when I arrive. I've managed to slow my pace from running so fast, but I cannot say the same for my breathing.
I quickly shove my hands in the pockets of my pants when I realise how hard they are shaking. I try and again fail to collect my equilibrium before someone notices.
I can't explain to anyone why Eric was in Dauntless without telling them about Tobias.
I spot Christina and Will sitting with Uriah, Marlene, Lynn and Shauna and dart my way through the lunchtime crowds over to their table.
"Well you look pale, to say the least." Christina says. She has a knack sometimes for stating the plain obvious.
"I'm fine." I give her a small smile, but it doesn't fool her. I choose instead to give her an "I'll explain later" look. She leaves me alone.
"Here, Tris. Have a hamburger" Uriah pushes a plate full of food my way.
"Thanks."
"She has two legs and two arms Uriah, next time she can get her own food." Lynn snaps.
I know she's never really liked me. Right now, I couldn't care.
Scraping my plate clean and having a huge slice of chocolate cake for dessert has done my nervous stomach a world of good. I hadn't realised how hungry I was.
My eyes travel around the dining hall in search for Tobias, but I can't see him anywhere. I wonder what he's doing now.
I feel an unwelcome pang of jealousy when an image of blond Molly comes to mind.
"Hey – want to get a tattoo this afternoon?" Christina asks.
"Sure." Anything to get my mind away from Eric or Molly.
The lights are dim in the tattoo parlour and as usual there is a low hum as needles are inserted into various members of Dauntless.
"Do you know what you want yet?" Christina asks.
"Not sure, I'll go with my instinct when I get in the chair."
She smiles warmly at me and wraps her hand around mine. Its small gestures like this that makes me glad I have her. She's always been a best friend to me.
"That's what I like most about you. You just go with your instincts."
I spot Tori near the back of the room. Her hair is black with thick dreadlocks and her growing collection of tattoos has been added to recently, I notice.
"Hey Tris, take a seat, what can I do for you today?" She asks politely.
"I want to get an extension to the tattoo on my collarbone. Can I have one more bird?"
"Of course." She smiles.
She carries out all of the needed preparations and then begins my small tattoo.
"How are you?" I can tell this is a general question that she would ask anybody. With me, however, I can tell there is a deeper meaning. She knows I am Divergent. She's asking how well I am doing at hiding it.
"Fine, thank you." She doesn't acknowledge my response.
After she's finished and is patting away the excess ink and blood she asks "What's the final bird for?" It's only fair she asks, since I questioned what the tattoo on the back of her neck meant during my aptitude test.
"Four birds – for him." I smile. "The three I had before represented each of my family. Mom, Dad and Caleb. He's part of my family now."