A/N: Thank you to all the reviewers! The response I've gotten on this is amazing and I really do appreciate it! I hope you enjoy this chapter although I am feeling very doubtful about it! Thanks once again!
Disclaimer: I do not own any recognizable plots or characters and do not take any credit at all. Grey's Anatomy belongs to the amazing Shonda Rhimes and her team and ABC.
We all have a favourite quote, we all have a favourite something that understands us when we don't even understand ourselves. Its human nature to want comfort. During rough times people turn to many things to make themselves feel better; literature, cigarettes, alcohol. These materialistic items make us feel better about ourselves, they make us feel as if something that is unable to understand itself understands our pain. But during the roughest of times; the times where we shake with pain or vibrate with rage, the times we are not so sure we want to go on any longer are the times where the comfort of another person surpasses the comfort of a materialistic item, but the comfort actually needed is rarely ever sought, its rarely ever sought because humans are proud and are willing to lose everything as long as they still have their dignity. But, it begs the question of what would have happened if everyone broke free from the chains of dignity. I've always wondered. Haven't you?
April's legs felt like lead as she walked towards the bedroom she shared with Jackson. Her face was still wet with tears but she had no more left to cry. She was still struggling to understand. April sat on the edge of the bed as she heard the shower running. She felt small. Her hands which lay in her lap shook although the rest of her body was perfectly still. April looked over to her bedside table where a picture of the first sonogram stood in a frame. It felt as if she had been stabbed in the heart.
This could not be happening, not to Jackson and not to Catherine who she had completely fallen apart in front of. Never in a million years did farm girl April, the gawky, annoying intern at Mercy West think that she would be crying in her lap let alone over the possible death of her grandson.
April held onto the frame until the metal corners dug into her palms, she didn't realize she was crying until Jacksons hands were on her shoulders. April jumped in shock and turned around to face him she nearly dropped the frame.
She knew what she had to say, '"I'm sorry" she apologized as she removed his hands, set the frame down and gingerly sat down on the bed.
April looked down at her hands which were red where the frame had dug into her skin. April made an attempt to wipe her eyes, "I'm sorry for the way I treated you especially since.. s-since this is all my fault"
Jackson stared back at her in utter disbelief. He could not believe she was blaming herself. "Hey.." he said as he sat down next to her and pulled her shaking frame against his chest.
"April, this is not your fault okay? Don't think for a second you had anything to do with this"
He tried to comfort her by running his hands through her curly red hair. He felt April shake her head against his chest. "No." April mumbled, "It is my fault. This is my punishment for all the people I hurt, this is God… t-this is God punishing me." Was all she could get out before she completely dissolved into tears.
Jackson froze. He could not believe for a second that this was what she felt. He hadn't been raised religiously, his family believed in medicine and the science of things and he in no way knew what it felt like to commit so wholeheartedly to a greater being but he did, however, know April and her intentions when she had 'hurt" everyone was far from malicious.
" April. April, look at me' he instructed as he peeled her off his chest and held her wet face in his hands.
"This didn't happen to our child because of you, okay? God would never punish you this cruelly not after all you've been through, all of that, God, April all of that is punishment enough. I don't want you ever, ever thinking for a second that your God would leave you like this. Not now. I don't have a God, April but science and God are separated by a blurred line, sometimes you never know which one is the reason for things. But I know, I sure as hell know that this is not God's punishment, okay?"he looked deep into her eyes when he said this. She stared back at him silently for a few moments, as if she were contemplating what he had just said.
Jackson stared back nervously, God and religion were not his thing, he hoped that what he had said made her feel better instead of worse.
He knew that April liked to think over things, she could be emotional and she did ramble but when things happened that really mattered, April thought a lot. April removed his hands from her face and threw her arms around his neck, holding herself closer to him.
"Thank you" she whispered.
They were in this together, April thought squeezing her arms tighter, and it wasn't fair to run this entire race and leave Jackson at the start line all alone, it wasn't fair to him nor was it fair to her. They were soldiers and in this together. Forever.
"I think it's time we get some sleep" Jackson answered rubbing her back soothingly although he knew that actually getting to sleep would be a struggle for them both. "We can go see someone tomorrow and get a proper diagnosis" he felt April nod. They were hopeful but still totally and utterly scared.
In her dream April was sitting on the bench at the park, it was a great day out and to top things off she had the day off. April smiled as she watched Sierra climb to the top of the slide before waving at her, "Mommy! Mommy look at me!" she excitedly shouted, her brown hair bouncing almost as much as she was.
April waved back as an indication that she was indeed watching her daughter slide down a slide she had been terrified to try in the past. Sierra sat down at the top of the slide, but before she did anything she straightened her dress and adjusted her pig tails. That was clearly something Catherine Avery had taught her.
Her daughter was seven years old and attended the top private school in Seattle and wore Armani Junior among many other French brands April was unable to pronounce since she was practically a baby. Her daughter knew the names of and could explain medical procedures when normal seven year olds could only explain storylines of cartoons.
Although April wasn't always comfortable with all the money that was spent on Sierra, she did want the best for her daughter and knew she had to compromise with the Avery way of doing things even though she would much rather prefer Sierra wore clothes from Target and didn't know and watch some pretty gruesome plastics procedures that Jackson allowed her to.
Sierra pushed herself down and April could hear her infectious giggles and high pitched squealing, something that Alex had said she had clearly inherited from April.
When Sierra got to the bottom she slid too fast and crashed on the ground. April was up in a split second as she ran over to her daughter who sat on the ground holding her knee. "Sierra, are you okay?!" April cried, panic evident in her voice as she bent down next to her. Sierra removed her hand to reveal a badly cut knee caused by the metal at the bottom of the slide, that would definitely need stitches, April gasped, "Oh no honey, I'll take you to the hospital so Daddy can stitch it up okay?" she said in a panicky tone, she was reassuring herself more than she was reassuring Sierra, but the little girl shook her head and looked up at April with her blue-green eyes.
"I'll be okay, Mommy" the little girl whispered in an angelic tone as she put her hand in April's and squeezed it tightly before wrapping her arms around her neck and hugging her tightly.
"I'll be okay" she said again "You'll see"
April awoke with a start and stared around the dark room. Her eyes landed on Jackson who lay sleeping beside her. She sat up slowly and put her hand against her heart. It had felt so real.
But she knew it wasn't and could never happen.
Her baby had OI and her baby may not see life past babyhood or even life past the womb. Her child would not ever play in the playground and fall and get away with just a cut. Besides, the child in the dream had been a little girl called Sierra when her baby was a boy, all the more proof to how unreal this was.
April hugged her stomach, she couldn't help but take comfort in the little girl's words. Sierra seemed like the type of child she would love to call her own, Sierra had brown hair with a reddish tint and an olive complexion with the exact same eye colour as Jackson did. She was vibrant and bright and she seemed so smart and so, so wise.
April sighed, she could feel the tears coming into her eyes but she did not want to wake Jackson or Catherine with her crying. Tomorrow they would get this checked out by a proper specialist, she knew Jackson and Catherine would call in favours by riding on the Harper Avery Foundation, favours she would normally adamantly decline but right now she was desperate.
She didn't care how much money either of them spent on this, she didn't care the measures they would go to so that their little Buddha baby could have a chance.
April lay down and thought of Sierra's little angelic face and her words, "I'll be okay, Mommy. You'll see"
Arizona poured her third cup of coffee for the night and gratefully wrapped her fingers around the hot mug. In front of her lay April's scan, Herman's notes and open webpages on Osteogenesis Imperfecta.
She had been at this for hours; it was now just before four AM. She knew she owed it to April to do everything in her power to help her baby. April had been there for her through the affair and had made her jello moms to practice on. April didn't deserve this. April deserved a healthy baby who she could come show off at the hospital and take to the hospital day care and love.
Arizona read through margin after margin in Herman's journals, if anything to give their baby even the slightest fighting chance could be done she would do it. She had to do it.
Arizona read of the diagnosis for OI types over and over and compared the scan. The baby had shortened limbs and was in a breech position but there were no fractures visible as yet.
Arizona chewed her lip, the only way to determine this was to turn the baby to get a better look at the other limbs to make an accurate diagnosis regarding the type. On the outset, it looked a lot like Type III to her but she knew how lethal type III and type II were and she was not prepared to let them terminate a pregnancy or give up before she got in there, before she had a chance to fix what could be fixed.
The light on her phone flashed and Arizona grabbed it quickly. She had sent out tons of emails with the scan to all her contacts at Johns Hopkins. An email from Siobhan, an orthopedic surgeon she had worked with closely on a case before, appeared on the screen. Arizona quickly read the message and gasped. She reread the message to confirm what she had seen. She shook her head and felt her heart pound in her chest. She grabbed her phone and her notes and disappeared out the door. She knew what had to happen next.
Catherine Avery was awoken by an erratic banging on the front door. She frowned and hoped that the noise had not awoken Jackson or April, they had a rough night and needed all the sleep they could possibly get, the road from this point onward would be a rough one.
Catherine groaned when she saw the time, it was just before 5AM. Catherine sighed as she made her way out of the guest room to open the door, but not before checking on them. They were asleep, thank God, April was laying on her side and Jackson had his arm lightly draped across her. They had had a really tough night and never had Catherine seen her son so torn up, but she was grateful that they had each other.
The knocking sounded again, more insistently this time and Catherine sighed in irritation. It was 5AM for Gods sake, what could anyone possibly want at this hour?
She unlocked the door and swung it open to reveal a very tired looking blonde woman. Her hair was tied up on top of her head and the bags under her eyes looked like very dark mascara. "Dr Avery" Arizona Robbins breathed, sounding as if she had just run a marathon. In her hands she held a folder and her laptop. She looked as if she hadn't slept at all.
"Dr Avery, I need to talk .. about the baby"
Dignity is part of our makeup, everyone has dignity, but it does not matter the same amount to all people. Sometimes it's better to let go of what makes us feel so very important and allow ourselves to break down, allow ourselves to accept the love from another person. It's easier said than done, to be honest. It takes one special to unlock the Dignity Door and come inside, I honestly hope you have that special someone. If you don't however, I honestly hope that you are strong enough.