Christmas Songs, Part One (Series 2)

"I hate this song," grumbled Owen as he drove back to the Hub after a particularly vigorous Weevil chase.

Gwen turned to him in surprise. "Why?" she asked. "It's the perfect Christmas song!"

"It's crap," Owen griped, reaching over to turn down the radio. "Inane holiday drivel wrapped up in a package of sentimental schmaltz."

Gwen looked slightly shocked at Owen's vehemence. "Ianto?" she asked. "You like this song, don't you?"

"Actually, I find it a depressing insight into the exclusion, oppression, and exploitation of both reindeer and elves."

"What?" asked Gwen and Owen together, turning around to glance at Ianto in the back seat of the SUV, one with wide eyes, one with a raised eyebrow.

"How do you get all that from one lame Christmas song?" asked Owen.

"It's not lame," said Gwen. "It's a heartwarming story about love, loyalty, and acceptance. It's about the Christmas spirit, not exclusion and oppression."

Owen and Ianto snorted in tandem.

"Even I know there is more going on in that stupid story than most people think," said Owen. "So what tweaks your nose, Ianto?"

"Well, to start with, it glorifies being accepted for what you do, not who you are, and only if you can do something no one else can do that happens to be desperately needed at a time of great hardship."

"That's a very bleak way to look at it, Ianto," said Gwen.

"Coffee," Owen coughed under his breath, but Ianto ignored him.

"It's true, though. The physical deformity of the title was only accepted by everyone because the weather conditions at the time were so bad that it was the only way to ensure success."

"Which was why he was a hero," argued Gwen. "He saved Christmas!"

"He enabled the continued exploitation of his fellow workers under a political and economic dictatorship, Gwen," said Ianto. "Workers who had, until that moment, ostracized him for the physical deformity they suddenly needed so badly." He gazed out the side window, watching the cars go by in the dark, a small smile quirking at his lips. "Given their treatment of him, perhaps that was his intent."

"Wait, are you saying he wanted revenge for being called names so he conned his way into working that night in order to drag them all out into the storm?" asked Owen. Ianto nodded.

"I'm merely suggesting the possibility of darker motives at work in what we have always perceived as a joyous ode to overcoming adversity."

"I'll never listen to it the same way again," Owen muttered. Gwen looked halfway to crushed.

"Have you seen the movie, then?" asked Gwen. "The old one with the funny clay puppets?"

Ianto huffed. "What child hasn't? It's required viewing in most households, I suspect."

"That's because it's good, honest, fun," said Gwen, nodding to herself. "It's hopeful and uplifting, and the songs are wonderful!"

"It's littered with sexism, torment, animal cruelty, and abuse of power," said Ianto. "And the music is positively insipid, Gwen. Bloody awful."

Owen was laughing silently as he continued toward the bay.

"What's so funny?" demanded Gwen. "Ianto is destroying one of my favorite childhood songs! It's nothing to laugh about."

"He's got some good points," said Owen. "I knew there was a reason I didn't like this song."

"Okay, fine," said Gwen. "Start at the beginning. Sexism?"

"Only male reindeers pull the sleigh, for one. Mrs. Claus serving Santa, for another." Ianto leaned forward, poking his head into the front seat. "And when Rudolph's mother wants to go look for him, his father tells her it's a man's job." He leaned back, shaking his head. "Scandalous."

"Yeah, I never liked that part," Gwen admitted. "But it was a product of the times, don't you think?"

"Doesn't make it acceptable today," Ianto pointed out.

"Torment?" asked Gwen.

"Bunch of bullies, the whole lot," said Owen.

"It's part of the lesson," said Gwen. "The bullies learn how heartless and wrong they were."

"Right, just like real life," muttered Owen, adding an eye roll for good measure.

"What about animal cruelty?" asked Gwen, ignoring him. "You're not just talking about the reindeer, are you?"

"There is that," acknowledged Ianto, "but that goes more toward the exploitation of a entire population of creatures who live to serve his special needs. No, I was thinking of the Abominable Snowman."

"Bumbles," said Gwen with a fond smile.

"An innocent creature who is rendered helpless by the cruel and unnecessary actions of the dominant species of the North Pole."

"What are you talking about?" asked Gwen.

"You know, that's a good point, Teaboy," said Owen with a nod. "I never thought about it that way."

"What way?" asked Gwen, still not understanding.

"That bloody gay elf ripped its teeth out," said Owen. Ianto leaned forward again and cleared his throat.

"We don't know he was gay, Owen," he pointed out.

"He wanted to be a dentist," said Owen.

"My dentist is straight," said Ianto.

"So is mine," added Gwen. "Wanting to be a dentist doesn't mean you're gay, Owen."

"What did you want to be when you grew up, Jones?" asked Owen, smirking at Ianto. The Welshman rolled his eyes.

"A secret agent protecting the world from evil aliens, of course," he replied dryly.

"Well, you got most of it right," said Owen. "Except for the secret bit." Ianto tipped his head.

"Back to the elf," he said.

"The gay elf," said Owen.

This time Gwen rolled her eyes. "Owen..."

"What? He dressed different, talked funny, and had an unhealthy oral fixation. Definitely gay, even if he was in the closet."

"Owen Harper," Gwen started, "you are-"

"Trying to wind you up, Gwen," said Ianto. "Don't let him."

Gwen huffed as Owen frowned at Ianto.

"Spoil my fun, why don't you?"

"I believe I just did. Now explain to Gwen why we have a problem with the elf."

"Because he pulled out all of the snowman's teeth without any anesthesia, leaving unable to feed or defend himself. Imagine the pain the thing was in!"

"Not to mentioned confused and frightened and probably in shock. And then Yukon Cornelius taunts him over the edge of a cliff." Ianto almost sounded offended. Owen shook his head in amusement.

"I can't believe you remember that guy's name."

"I know everything," said Ianto.

"So sexism, bullying, animal cruelty. Abuse of power would be Santa Claus, I assume." When Ianto nodded, Gwen sighed. "So what else is wrong with my favorite holiday song?" She sounded thoroughly demoralized.

"That about covers it," said Ianto. "Rethinking the bit about heartwarming Christmas spirit?"

"Pick a new favorite, Gwen," said Owen as they pulled into the car park by the Hub. "Ianto Jones has just thoroughly destroyed Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

"Well, I liked Frosty the Snowman," said Gwen.

"Creepy," said Owen.

"With a spot of murder," added Ianto.

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town?"

"Even I know that song is a not-so-subtle threat to obey authority and toe the party line," said Owen. He turned to glance at Ianto. "How about you?"

"It's crap," said Ianto with a wink.

"Eloquent," snorted Owen.

"You asked."

"What about classic films?" asked Gwen as they got out of the car. "It's a Wonderful Life? White Christmas? A Christmas Carol?"

Ianto opened his mouth, but Owen put a hand on the man's shoulder. "Gwen, don't let him shatter the rest of your holiday dreams. Leave while you can and tell Jack we'll be up with the Weevil in a minute."

She sighed and nodded and walked off, shoulders slumped. Owen turned to Ianto, hands crossed over his chest.

"Are you really that much of a Scrooge or were you just messing with her?" he demanded. Ianto moved toward the back of the SUV.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"I have no idea," said Owen. "You are far too good at things like this, and I hate admitting that."

Ianto grinned. "Thank you."

"It wasn't a compliment. Now, 'fess up. Do you really hate Christmas that much?"

"Of course not," said Ianto. "I have very fond memories of Christmas and am looking forward to it this year, actually."

"Then why the Ghost of Christmas Gloom and Doom?" asked Owen, grunting as they pulled a large Weevil from the boot. Ianto slammed the door shut.

"It's amusing."

Owen stared at him. "What?"

"It's fun," Ianto said. "While I enjoy Christmas a great deal, I don't like the hypocrisy inherent in a lot of holiday songs, stories, and other traditions, and pointing it out is both informative and-"

"Fun?"

"Yep."

"So you were messing with her."

"Yep."

"After calling me out on the same?"

"I suppose you could look at it that way." Ianto grinned and picked up the feet of the Weevil. "Come on, let's get him tucked up inside. Work to do."

Owen shook his head. "I don't know how Jack puts up with you sometimes."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "I thought it was the other way around?"

"Not today," said Owen. "What are you going to do about Gwen?"

"What about Gwen?" asked Ianto.

"You just ruined her favorite childhood memory of Christmas with big words like sexism and exploitation."

They set the Weevil down on the stretcher they kept in the entrance to the Hub for corpses and other large items they couldn't easily carry inside. Rolling it into the lift, Ianto punched the floor for the Hub and waited.

"Well?" asked Owen.

"I'll make it up to her," said Ianto. "Something to restore her faith in trite holiday sentimentality."

"When you put it that way..." Owen murmured, and Ianto acknowledged the irony.

"Besides, do you really think Gwen gives up her convictions that easily?" asked Ianto. "I might have given her something to think about, but she will always strive to see the good in things, no matter how hard she has to look. And really, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is not that bad."

Owen shook his head in disbelief. "You could have fooled me."

"I usually do."

"You know, sometimes you are such a-"

They stepped into the Hub and stopped short. Gwen was sitting on the couch, doubled over with laughter and tears running down her face. Jack and Tosh were standing in front of her, their backs to Owen and Ianto. When they turned around, even Owen cracked a smile.

Jack and Tosh both had bright red noses.

Gwen shrieked with even more laughter at the look on Owen and Ianto's face. Jack smirked.

"Sexism, Ianto? Really?"

Ianto just stared; it was ridiculous and adorable and left him speechless.

"Don't get him started again, Jack," said Owen, clapping Ianto on the shoulder. "Trust me. He can ruin any holiday tradition."

"Even if it involves peppermint whip cream and-"

"Don't." Owen shook his head. "I do not want to know, and yes, Teaboy can destroy it."

Jack winked. "Not if it was his idea."

"Jack!" said Ianto. "Not the time or place."

Jack pretended to pout. "All right. Lock up the Weevil, then meet me in my office. We need to discuss your rather opinionated opinion of one of Earth's most beloved Christmas heroes." He took off the red nose and popped it into his mouth, licking his lips as he finished. Apparently Jack was using a cherry. Ianto's cherries. Cherries he had made plans for later…

"Opinionated opinion?" asked Owen.

"Are those my cherries?" asked Ianto.

Jack winked, Owen groaned, Gwen collapsed in another fit of giggles, and Tosh shook her head with a fond smile.

"Ten minutes," said Jack, his voice practically a purr.

Ianto cleared his throat, inclined his head, and tried to affect as straight a face as he could manage. "Yes, sir. But in the meantime, I leave you all with one more thought." He paused for dramatic effect, and to let Gwen catch her breath.

"What if Rudolph had said no?"

With that he hurried off toward the cells, leaving four team members stunned wide-eyed and silent before him. He noticed the jar of cherries on Tosh's desk and grabbed it as he walked by, making sure Jack saw him pocket it, then offered a small smirk.

"Ten minutes and counting, sir."

Ianto turned and left, but not before he heard Owen mutter under his breath, "Stupid reindeer games."

At least he had won.

Author's Notes

Merlin, that was fun! So I was watching that goofy clay movie about Rudolph and Hermey and Bumbles and couldn't help imagining this little scene. And when you stop and think about it, the scene where Hermey takes out the snowman's teeth, and then Yukon Cornelius practically pushes him over a cliff, is a bit disturbing. The other stuff is a bit of an exaggeration, perhaps, but that scene did bother me. Guess I'm not ten years old any more. I hope I didn't ruin anyone's happy memory of Rudolph. It's all in good fun. I'm working on a sequel to restore your faith. ;)