AN: Last update before exams. Long (and hopefully interesting) author's note at the end. Enjoy!

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The snow of yesterday

that fell like cherry petals

is water once again.

- Gozan, Japanese haiku poet

Chapter 8: The Snow of Yesterday

He awakens to a grey ceiling full of pipes, the lab table underneath him, and has to blink a few times to reestablish depth perception. His forehead is tightly bandanged, his skull is pounding. He blinks again, preferring not to let his eyes water. There is a strange whistle coming through the window.

He feels extraordinarily weak, as though all his chakra – no, his youki, his demon energy, had been drained from him. Ah, well. Shigure warned him of the physical cost of the surgery beforehand. His A-Class power is gone – there is passing amusement at the similarity of the Makai and Shinobi in their power-grading system – and he is now back at D-Class.

Ah, well. He never did take the chuunin exam, so he was always technically a Genin.

…Which is not a relevant point to Hiei. Just to Sasuke. And Hiei is not Sasuke, hasn't been for several centuries.

He doesn't have to touch the bandages to identify them, having secured his hair similarly prior to his battle with Itachi. There is a soft ache at the reminiscence; Hiei pushes it aside.

He sits up, and sees his cloak, boots, and sword lying at his feet. Good. It's time he moved on. As little as he likes to admit it, he may well be about to have a breakdown, and he can't do that in unsafe territory.

As he opens the door to the outside, he hears the strange whistle in the air, abruptly cutting off as a circular, edged ring with a grip at one point ends its flight path in the surgeon's hand.

"And what do you call that monstrosity?" He has no real curiosity in the matter, simple absentminded questioning. His head is still pounding, but the only physical acknowledgment of the pain is in his slower than usual walk, ensuring he keeps his balance rather than totter like a drunkard. The question is simply a method to deflect attention from himself.

"It's a phosphorous ring sword, made from the bones of the wild oxen that roam through the forests of the Makai," Shigure explains, turning to better display the blade – not quite half as thick as Zabuza and Suigetsu's massive cleaver, but bizarre enough to deserve a place as a weapon alongside those made for the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, Hiei decides, ambling closer to the edge of the clearing—

"What are you doing?" As with most questions Shigure asks, it sounds more like a statement.

Hiei turns his head only barely over his shoulder. "I have what I came for. And now I'm leaving." It's the way he's always operated, always walking the path of the loner even when surrounded by companions. If they try to get too close, he leaves.

"The Jagan operation has drained you of almost all your youki." It's a matter of fact statement, as if inquiring which brand of tea would be preferred; Shigure shows no hint of care, just curiosity. "If you attempt to brave the woods now, you will most certainly be killed."

"…That's not your concern." Because it isn't. Any more than Sasuke's leaving was Sakura's or Naruto's – and if a tiny voice whispers liar at the comparison, he can't do anything but ignore it right now.

Shigure may be right about his chances for physical survival, but Hiei can't stay here with nothing to do, with a man he doesn't trust. He needs his mind intact, especially since he can feel something stirring in the back of it. And he cannot afford to have a flashback to Orochimaru in front of this doctor.

"If you stay, I'll let you learn my sword technique."

Hiei takes two more steps before freezing as the words sink in. He turns, knowing his face is displaying more sullen scowling than he's allowed it to openly wear for decades. "Why should I?" He probably sounds like a petulant child, challenging the need to sleep, but he is too tired to care, at least right now.

Shigure's gaze is neutral, only the barest hint of passion for his kenjutsu still in his gaze. "If I'd just had a Jagan implanted, I would want to survive long enough to use it."

If it wasn't a swordsmaster as well as a surgeon talking to him in that moment, neither side of Hiei's still shaky identity would listen.

Years later, he's still not sure why he listened to a man who reminded him so much of one of his truly awful decisions, of a man who manipulated him like a pawn.

Maybe it's the wish to soothe his aching mind in the surety of his katas, and the offer of a teacher to guide him through them. Realigning his body and mind is a good mental and physical therapy no matter what the circumstances after an injury.

Perhaps it's the exhaustion that he knows will kill him before any foe.

Perhaps it's his insatiable desire for useful knowledge cropping up again, as it always does at the worst times.

Or perhaps it's the memory of his elder brother's smile, and the feeling of a ghostly poke to a forehead.

Or maybe he's just run out of reasons for arguing besides fighting for the sake of it. And as much as it makes him mentally snarl, he knows that never turns out well for him.

Whatever the reason, he will spend the next three moons training his mind and body in that clearing, his identity latched to the role of temporary student as he slowly sorts through the rest of the debris of memories.

He learns to use the Jagan, mastering its use just as much as the Sharingan, With its help, he can spend his nights organizing the flashback dreams as they come, rather than wading through them in confusion and waking up with a headache from frustration. Now that he knows the outline of the life, piecing the details together comes easier. Each morning, he runs through his memories as Hiei, reaffirming his own identity.

He refuses to let himself fall into Sasuke's habits. Sasuke was a pawn, a powerful one for a human, but a pawn nonetheless, unable to function without master or goal for long. He knew that the moment he remembered that Sasuke had intentionally provoked a grief-mad weapons mistress into charging him with her own blade, then turned his own sword aside at the last minute to impale himself on it.

Hiei has been relying on himself since the day he was born. He makes his own goals, his own dreams, his own strength. He bows to no one, living, dead, or memory. He seeks not perfection (a synonym for stagnation) but rather continuous improvement.

Sasuke never really grew up from that little boy looking for someone to blame, to kill so the world would become right again. Even when the only one left to blame was himself, the Uchiha fought for revenge and death.

Hiei has been growing up since the day he was ripped from his mother within moments of birth. He has never had the option to sleep heavily in safety, trusting the honor of his enemies to let him nap without attempting to kill him. He has always gathered his own food, always looked his kills in the eye even if he stabs from the back. He has always had his goals, and the first of them has always been a refusal to die.

If he didn't have the memories, Hiei is certain he could never have believed in the existence of a person who chose to fight for his own death.

He still cannot comprehend making such a choice, consciously or unconsciously.

Probably something human, then. Good thing he's not that pathetic anymore.

Really, the only worthwhile thing about that human was his focus on revenge, and that's admirable until Sasuke reached the point of tunnel vision, and completely unacceptable once he first considered killing himself if it meant he could take his foes to hell with him.

Hiei knows killing one's foes is only the first step. You have to be alive in order to piss on their grave.

Oh, yes. He's got his head sorted; now he can use the Jagan to start searching for their precious untainted-by-males island in the sky. And he will find it. And then the ice maidens will die, killed by their prophesized doom incarnate. And they will have no one to blame but themselves. He will make certain they know that, before the end.

Hiei will make the glaciers quake with his gleeful triumph.

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"Give me honorable enemies rather than ambitious ones, and I'll sleep more easily by night." - Jaime Lannister, from A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin

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I'm not sure why I decided to stay. I suppose deep down I knew he was right. A night alone in those woods would have been the end of me. And at the very least, I could steal his fighting technique. [Pause] I never thought our paths would meet again. And still, it seems fitting that I should die by his sword.

- Hiei, YuYu Hakusho, Episode 100: Secret of the Jagan eye.

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Next Time: The Glacier Village

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Bonus AN:

First, a story rec: A Traitor's Play, by frznlights. Harry Potter/Naruto X-over, featuring a Snape reborn as Sasuke. Very well thought out. Enjoy!

Second, an explanation for last chapter's revelations.

I usually make a practice of privately replying to my reviews, but the last chapter's only review required a very thorough response, one which I thought merited posting the explanation since it helped me create a large part of this chapter. Includes explanation about Hiei's memory format, and also something of why I chose to use these characters in the first place, and how they are similar and different. Long, but hopefully useful. Let me know what you think.

Warning for potential spoilers for Shinobi World War arc…but you already knew that.

Reviewer Akayuki Sawada, on Chapter 7: ... Wow. This will not be easy to recover from. Sasuke and Hiei were very alike, and both could have chosen the other path. Isn't it a bit ironic, that the human chose revenge, and the demon life?

Answer: First of all, thanks for your faithful reviewing. It's very much appreciated and looked forward to, at this point.

Second, you're right, this isn't going to be easy. Hiei has just had the equivalent of a library card catalogue dumped in his head, with instant access to the books the second he picks up a card. Only this card catalogue? Somebody opened all the drawers, dumped the contents on the floor, swept them into a pile like leaves in autumn, jumped in said pile like a little kid to scatter them, repeated the sweeping and jumping several times-and then refilled the drawers with the cards, in the order of whatever-comes-to-hand-first.

Hiei's got the memories, but they're not in order. While he now has a somewhat more general idea of said order than when he was just receiving flashbacks through his dreams, and the Jagan will help with the whole sorting business, he still needs to proceed through them. On the plus side, he's had several centuries to form his own sense of identity, goals, values, and things he needs to accomplish. Which means he isn't going to try to get back home.

It's not like he really has anything left there.

In Canon!Naruto, after he killed his brother but before he found out the truth, Sasuke was left feeling rather empty. He was very good at planning and acting while he had a goal, but without it, he's left drifting. Until someone gives him a new goal and he latches onto it like a leech. Which is a repeated pattern, by the way - He starts out trying to prove himself to his father, but after being told not to follow his brother any more, he's left rather confused. He still craves approval, though, so he keeps up his training regime and the focus on pleasing his father and family head out of habit. When Itachi destroys the clan, there is no one left to please. I fully believe that Itachi got him focused on revenge, knowing exactly how Sasuke would tunnel vision when given a goal, with at least the partial intent to prevent Sasuke from becoming so aimless he would attempt suicide to follow his relatives - and by offering this goal himself, as someone Sasuke had respected and sought to please, Itachi made it clear in some form that he thinks Sasuke can do it. When told the truth about his brother, Sasuke refocused his goal of revenge to go after those responsible.

He's never really been able to grow up from that little boy, who is looking for someone else to blame but always somewhat turning the blame on himself, too self-centered still to be able to not relate something back to himself.

My Sasuke diverges from Cannon after that last conversation with Zombie!Itachi. With a focus on protecting children and keeping the Uchiha situation from ever happening again, he chose to give the information he'd learned to one of Naruto's clones in written form, via one of his summons, after he'd hunted down and killed all but one of those responsible for participating in and instigating that night. (Including Tobi and Madara, by the way, but not in such a way that people would know he'd done it.) With Danzo's use of Uchiha eyes and Orochimaru's fascination with the perfect vessel, Sasuke decided to never have children or risk the genes being passed on, or even keep himself around. He therefore made sure that the last person he killed was one of Danzo's lesser known spies - a spy closely connected to Tenten, by the way (don't bother looking for said spy, she's an OC Plot point) - and then, when she came hunting for him, he faked enough of a fight to get Naruto's attention, then deliberately made a mistake while Tenten was still mad enough that she wouldn't see he was using her in a suicide-by-cop.

Hiei, on the other hand, has grown up in a life where he has always expected betrayal, is very self-sufficient, and fully able to decide and act on his own goals and evaluate others. He is now much more aware of the risk of being manipulated by those more powerful than him, and even more determined not to let anyone close to him lest they be used for manipulation.

It's not so much that Sasuke chose death and Hiei chooses life. Rather, it's that they're both fighters. But Sasuke couldn't conceive of a world that had Uchihas in it, had a place for him, when he was already so broken and tainted - he couldn't see an option where life existed as being remotely powerful. Plus, he's a bit of a drama king, so glamorous suicide is good - he fought for revenge and then death before he could harm anyone else. Hiei, on the other hand, has been dealing with people who wanted him dead, for no reason he could understand as remotely valid, since the moment he was born. He cannot conceive the notion that someone might want to choose death, because that would mean that his enemies win. He doesn't know how to stop fighting.

That, and at the moment, he doesn't really think much of humans (and thinks that Sasuke is a particularly pathetic example) so he will do everything he can to show that he's nothing like his past self. So, he is somewhat choosing revenge. Just a very different form of it, where the best revenge is living well. And Hiei intends to live very well indeed.

…It will take a while before he realizes he's internalized his memories of Itachi as something of a moral guideline, as well as Naruto and Sakura to some extent. And even longer before he'll admit he's not just looking at those memories as a list of what *not* to do.

Thanks a lot for adding this to your favorites. It's very confidence boosting.