Part one: The making of Arthur.
Uther sat in front of him; his once gentle hands were now gripping the arms of his desk chair, knuckles going white with the effort. His face was red with anger, spluttering indecencies, about how no son of his would be gay, he wasn't raised like this. Don't even think about coming back.
Arthur backed out the room slowly, shaking his head, willing these damn tears to just disappear. He didn't expect a better response from his father, but god it burned down to his very soul. His father, the man who scooped him up when he fell off his bike, the man who stayed up until 2am with him when he was doing his dissertation, had now disowned him, all because he liked men.
Morgana waited outside the office, face solemn as she wrapped her arms around his shaking figure. Neither of them were the hugging type usually, but all of that could be damned now, all the rules were going out the window anyway. Hot tears ran down his face. He knew this was going to be hard, but he couldn't have imagined this kind of pain.
Morgana pulled back, staring at him with piercing, cold green eyes. "It's over, there's nothing you can do now." Her voice was strong with determination. Arthur just nodded weakly.
"Thanks, Morgana." He whispered, letting her lead him out the exit and to her car.
"We're going to get you pissed tonight, like really pissed. Think of it as a coming out party" She told him on the drive home. "Everyone's coming, we're all here for you, okay?" her words held no softness, more stern than sympathetic.
"Yes Sir" He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes as it usually would. Really, he didn't feel like going out, he wanted to stay in his room and drink himself into oblivion on his own, but, alas Morgana wouldn't allow it, in her determination to show him that he was loved and supported. And he appreciated the gesture, it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done, but he wanted to be alone, to process what happened, to grieve the loss of his father.
"More shots!" Gwaine announced, carrying a hazardous amount of brightly coloured shots on a black tray.
"Do I even want to know what's in there?" Gwen snorted delicately.
"I could tell you, but you won't remember it in the morning darling" Gwaine winked, and Lance practically growled as he pulled Gwen closer to his side. Everyone was there, celebrating Arthur coming out the proverbial closet. Gwaine, Percy, Gwen and Lance, Morgana and Leon, even Merlin and his boyfriend, Cedric. Arthur didn't think he particularly liked Merlin, he'd only met his a few times, he was more an acquaintance than friend, someone he shared mutual friends with. But the man never smiled, he always looked miserable. Cedric, on the other hand, he liked. He was always happy, always sharing a joke, always helpful; he honestly didn't know how he put up with someone like Merlin.
Arthur picked up the shot glass, probably too quickly in his drunken state, but he drank it sharply anyway. Enjoying the buzz while it lasted. The shot tasted like cherries and summer and Arthur could have drank a bottle of it.
"You can't drink a bottle of it" Merlin snorted.
Arthur's eyes widened "Was I talking?" He half whispered, then giggled, whoops, he was thinking out loud again, he did that a lot when he was drunk.
"Yes, you did, and you do" Merlin stared at him hard.
"you're miserable" Arthur narrowed his eyes at the younger man. Okay, he was only younger than him by a couple of years, but younger none the less. He was miserable, though. Miserable and beautiful and currently scowling and rolling his eyes.
"How do you put up with it?" Arthur slurred at Cedric, who raised a suggestive eyebrow.
"Oh, don't worry, I have my ways"
"More shots?" Gwaine asked, leading him away from the table, and towards the bar.
He woke up with a hellish hangover, and Morgana banging around in the kitchen wasn't doing anything for his poor, wounded head. He rolled out of bed, and padded down stairs. Painkillers and strong coffee was what he needed right now.
"Sleeping beauty!" Morgana announced as the made his way into the kitchen. "You're up"
"you're loud" He frowned, pushing two aspirins out the packet and swallowing them down with some water.
"Well, you do insist on doing shots with Gwaine" She smirked, pouring him a mug of coffee.
"Did I do anything spectacularly embarrassing last night?"
"Nah" She shrugged "Told Gwaine he had great hair, told Leon he's very ginger and told Merlin he's miserable, standard really. Fry up?" she waved the frying pan in his direction.
"Well at least I told the truth, Gwaine does have great hair, and Leon is ginger, and Merlin is…well, Merlin is bloody miserable. I don't even know why he was there"
"He's a friend, and you're forgetting that he's been through all this, he came out to his mum a few years ago, and don't forget he had much less support, maybe it would do you some good to, you know, talk to him. He's really not that miserable, well he is recently but…just get him on his own and talk to him, you'll find he's surprisingly wise"
"I have no desire to talk to Merlin, thank you very much, and for gods sake woman, stop skimping on the bacon"
That's why Arthur ended up with a shoe imprint on his back.
Arthur hated meetings. The people were boring and his boss didn't allow snacks or drinks that weren't water or any sign of life into the meeting room.
So, he quietly tapped his pen on his leg, drowning out the droning voices of recent stocks and shares and sales. He could feel the knowing looks of his colleges, the sideway glances and whispers when they thought he was out of ear shot. News of him coming out had gotten around pretty quickly. He'd managed to keep it a secret since he was 15, now the whole world seemed to know. Not that he was ashamed, quite the opposite, really, but now he was in a professional setting, he thought he wouldn't be victim to all the gossip and curious looks. This is exactly why he didn't come out in school.
The meeting ended after 90 unspectacular minutes, and everyone shuffled back to the desks. Arthur sat in front of his computer, replying to an email from a client when Valiant pushed himself over to his desk.
"Oi, Pendragon, heard you came out the closet" Valiant mock whispered, knowing everyone would be listening.
"Why is it any of your business?" Arthur carried on typing, not looking up.
"Cause me and Owain had a bet on, He says you didn't have the balls to do it"
"Shut the fuck up Val before the bullshit rots your teeth" Leon shot at Valiant, glaring from across his desk. Valiant simply shrugged and pushed himself back to his desk.
"Thanks, Leon" Arthur let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding.
"No problem, man, anyone else tries to give you grief, I'll run them through" He winked.
Arthur tried to concentrate on his work, but it was impossible, the stares and whispers, it was people thought he was blind and deaf, and probably dumb, as some of them outright stared. For gods sake they were all adults, could they not act like it? Did they not understand that it hurt?
Morgana's Friday night dinners were a tradition, or at least that's what she was telling people. This Friday night was - unfortunately - no different. So, Arthur got the nice wine glasses out and the good wine out the fridge while Morgana cooked. He was banned from cooking after he burnt the pasta for her carbonara when they were 22. In his defense, he'd only ever cooked ready meals, how was he supposed know that it wasn't meant to go in the microwave?
So, he drank wine with Gwen and Lance while they waited for the rest of them to arrive.
Everyone seemed to be in high spirits as they ate Morgana's Beef something…Arthur honestly couldn't remember what it was called after the third class of wine, but it was good. Even Merlin seemed to be enjoying himself as he chatted to Gwen about something.
Later on, everyone was sat around in the living room, finishing off the last of the wine and beers as they chatted about the week. Arthur slipped out to the balcony, needing some space and air. His first week without talking to his father. He could admit, his father could be cold and cruel, but he had his soft side as well, it didn't come out all that often, but Arthur had cherished the memories, knowing that someday he'd need some good memories to drown out the vicious words he'd said.
"Hey" A small voice behind him intruded his thoughts. He turned slightly to see Merlin softly close the door behind him." It's bloody cold out here" Merlin wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep some warmth "What you doing out here on your own?"
He had a slight accent Arthur couldn't quite figure out. "Just, you know, wanted some space, a bit of air, it's been one hell of a week" He sighed, shaking his head, hoping it would magically erase the memories. Of course, it didn't. "What you doing out here?"
Merlin held up a cigarette packet sheepishly. "Morgana said I could smoke out here, that alright?"
"Sure" Arthur shrugged, watching as Merlin lit the cigarette. "Want one?" Merlin asked when he caught Arthur watching. He shook his head, and Merlin quirked his lips up, almost like a smile.
"Does Cedric know you smoke?"
The almost smile dropped off Merlin's face, he looked impassive, perhaps too impassive. "Yeah" He said sharply, defensive.
"And he's alright with it?"
"Cedric doesn't like me doing a lot of things, most things, actually. Smoking is on that long, long list" Merlin drawled, staring out over the black horizon.
"I find that hard to believe, he always seems so damn happy, I'd have thought it would be the other way around"
Merlin took a long drag. "Yeah, well. You thought wrong"
They were silent for a while then, as Merlin puffed away and Arthur watched the dancing lights that seemed a million miles away.
"Look" Merlin Finally said. "I know what you're going through is hard, I just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to talk to someone that isn't your sister, I know we're not exactly mates or anything, and I'm not suggesting we become BFFs, but if you wanted to talk to someone who isn't straight, I'm here."
"Are you suggesting I don't have any gay friends?" Arthur scoffed.
Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Do you?"
"That is none of your business!"
"I was just trying to - "
"I don't need your help Merlin" With that, Arthur stamped back into the house. He may have overreacted a tiny bit, or a lot, but he didn't want Merlin's help, Merlin didn't even like him, Morgana had probably put him up to it. Damn Morgana
So, he sat moodily on the floor, as there weren't enough seats for everyone. Arms crossed over his chest like a child having a tantrum, but right now, he didn't care. He glared at Morgana for a bit, but it seemed to make her happier, so he moved on to Merlin.
Merlin, he just couldn't figure out. He barely spoke to him, unless it was making a quip at something he'd done or said, then all of a sudden he was saying he was there for him, what was that about?
He watched Merlin carefully that night, maybe he wasn't as miserable as he made him out to be, he sat talking to Lance. They looked quite friendly, he couldn't quite recall how they knew each other, but he knew they were close.
Then he noticed Cedric, watching Merlin like a hawk. Glaring at something Merlin and Lance were saying.
He briefly remembered something Cedric had said to him at the bar the night of his 'coming out party', Arthur asking how he put up with Merlin, Cedrics suggestive smirk seemed creepy now,
Oh don't worry, I have my ways.
Whiskey was the only thing strong enough right down. It burned right from his lips down to the pit of his stomach, he felt every move as it slid down to his gut.
And he thought he'd gone numb.
The letter sat crumpled up at his feet, offending and cruel, he considered throwing it into the fire, but no. Sometime, he was going to have all this out with his father, he wanted every scrap of his betrayal there as proof.
But for now, he was drunk, depressed, lonely and out of his father's will, officially disowned. He considered phoning Morgana, but she was on a date with Leon, he really didn't want to disturb them. He thought about phoning Gwen or Lance, but they came as a pair, and a pair was not what he wanted right now, thank you very much. So he was left with Gwaine, or Merlin. Gwaine, in his own quirky ways was a good mate, but not the right mate for what he needed. He needed to talk, to rant and to cry. And he just couldn't do that with Gwaine. Gwaine was great for the occasional piss up, or angry rant followed by shots.
So that left Merlin. He had said that he could talk to him whenever he wanted to, but how genuine that is, he didn't know. He suspected not very, though. He barely ever spoke to Merlin, apart from calling him miserable and shouting at him for trying to help him. And anyway, he was probably with Cedric tonight, so that was out of the equation.
So that's why Arthur ended up passed out in his arm chair, half a bottle of whiskey down, and a crumpled up letter from Uther at his feet.
The thing about Morgana is, she gets these feelings, no one could explain it, but she was always right. She had a feeling Arthur was gay before he knew himself, before Arthur fell out a tree when he was 14, she had a feeling it was going to end up badly. When he came out to Uther, she had a feeling it was going to go down badly. So, when she grinned at him like a mad woman possessed, he couldn't help but be a little suspicious.
"What are you smiling about? It's Wednesday, you hate Wednesdays, you say they're the devils day." He grumbled as he ate his cereal.
"I think you should see Uther today" She took a sip of her coffee, smiling to herself.
"Uther doesn't want to see me, Morgana, he's made that much clear."
"Just wait"
So, when he got to work, there was an email off Uthers secretary, telling him Uther wanted to see him when he finished work.
Sometimes, Morgana really creeped him out.
Uther looked a good ten years older when he arrived at his office, his secretary giving him a sympathetic glance.
"Sit down, Arthur" Uther said gravely, nodding to the chair opposite his own. "I didn't know if you'd want to see me"
"I didn't know I did, but I wanted to hear you out, even if you did cut me out" He made no effort to disguise the venom in his voice. If it wasn't for Morgana being creepily happy about it, he wouldn't have come.
"I know, but Arthur, you have to understand, it was a shock, and I suppose it wasn't what I had planned for you, for your life."
"You can't plan out my life, father" Arthur glared across the desk, speaking slowly and deliberate.
"When your mother was pregnant with you, Arthur, you were a miracle pregnancy, they said we'd never conceive, we were looking into IVF and all sorts but then, there you were, just a small bump but you brought so much hope. We started talking, your mother and I, about the kind of person you'd be, when we found out you were a boy, we were talking about what you'd do for a living, the kind of girl you'd marry, the grandchildren - " He cut off, dropping his head in his hands. "When you told me, when you said, God I'd suspected, suspected it for a while, you were never a subtle teenager but I hoped it was just a phase. But no, you stood in front of me and declared no, you would not go on another date with a client's daughter, because you didn't like them, you like men, and you couldn't lie anymore. I thought I'd lost the last bit of her, the last bit of my Ygraine. Of our dream.
But I was wrong, so wrong. Because you're still my son, our son. I see her in you, the way jaw sets when you're angry or determined, the way your eyes shine when you smile, the way you throw our head back laughing, she lives through you. And I can't throw that away. I may not agree with your choices, but they're not mine to make. I love you whatever choices you make, Son"
He hadn't called Arthur Son in years. Tears ran unpermitted down his face as he strides around the table to envelope his father in a hug. Slowly, his father hugged him back, shaking with his own sobs.
Maybe, they would be alright after all.
Friday rolled around again, and Morgana was in a particularly strange mood. She stirred all the pots and pans with hunched shoulders, muttering to herself like a crazed witch.
"For gods sake, Morgana, what on earth is the matter?" Arthur demanded, watching her stamp around the kitchen. But she wouldn't tell him, she simply acted like he wasn't there.
Wine and conversation was flowing well around the table, but Morgana spent her time looking between Merlin and Cedric. Nothing seemed strange about them, though. Arthur was watching too, when he noticed Morgana's suspicious glare.
Cedric was chatting to Gwen, and Merlin to Lance, just like usual. Morgana had obviously got a screw loose.
After dinner, as usual, Merlin went to the balcony to smoke, and Cedric stayed inside.
"How's it going, Cedric?" Arthur patted him on the back, and Cedric jumped a mile.
"Sorry! Good, thanks, how about you?" Cedric squeaked.
"Good, thanks man. How's it going with you and Merlin? I never really got to ask before"
Cedric shrugged, plastering a smile on his face. "Oh, you know same old, as it usually is with Merlin" He rolled his eyes, bur Arthur didn't know what it was usually like with Merlin, apart from the fact he looked life someone stole his ice cream.
On the other side of the room, Morgana was glaring.
Arthur was cleaning the last of the wine bottles from the living room; really, there were a lot of them. Maybe, as a group they had a drinking problem. It was ridiculous how much wine they got through.
"Arthur, I need a favour" Morgana said from the kitchen.
"Of course, sister dearest, anything for you" He said sweetly, but Morgana wasn't smiling.
"I need you take this to Merlin's." She thrust a cake box into his hands.
"To…Merlin's? Why?"
"Because he likes cheesecake, and we had some leftover." She lied smoothly.
"You never usually send cheesecake to Merlin"
"Well now I am"
"Why? You've been acting strange all evening, now you want me to take cheesecake…to Merlin?"
She sighed. "I just have a feeling, a bad feeling, and I want you to check on Merlin, please?" She looked defeated, as she usually did when she got these bad 'feelings'.
"Cedrics with him, I'm sure he wouldn't let anything happen"
Morgana didn't look convinced, though. If anything, it made her more determined that Arthur go, right now, thank you very much, call me if there's any sign of trouble.
So, that's how Arthur ended up standing outside Merlin's building, relentlessly pressing the buzzer until finally, a crackled 'hello' came through the speaker.