Part 4: Waking up

When Merlin was sure Arthur was asleep, he gently removed his hand from his shoulder. He lay there for a long time, he knew he wouldn't sleep, every time he closed his eyes, Cedric was there.

You wouldn't last five minutes without me sweetheart.

Light filtered through the gaps in the curtains. A dull, grey light from the overcast sky. Even in the Daylight he couldn't see the sun.

Slowly, being sure he didn't hurt himself too much or wake Arthur, he slid out of bed and walked to the kitchen. He got a glass of water and sat on the black leather sofa, leaning back; his ribs didn't hurt as bad. The pain killers made his head a little cloudy, but it took the edge off the pain.

Breathing hurt, so he tried his best to take shallow breaths. It wasn't the first time he'd broke his ribs, probably the worse, but hopefully the last. He wondered about Cedric, if he'd gone back to his flat, or was out somewhere. The police said they were looking for him, had they found him? Or was he still out there?

He didn't want to think about it, but his mind wouldn't wander from it. The look in his eyes when he took the first swing, Merlin shuddered. He stared at the white cast on his hand. He didn't even want to know what his face looked like, if it looked at bad as it felt.

He didn't need to look at his ribs, though. No one else ever saw his chest, so it was a main target area. The Police had taken photographs, and he told them everything. It was the first time he felt that someone would actually believe him.

On the outside, Cedric was charming and happy and everyone liked him, behind closed doors, it was a different story.

The bedroom door opened, and Arthur came out, looking a little less worse for wear than he did before he went to sleep. Merlin looked at the clock, nearly noon. He hadn't slept in 41 hours.

Arthur seemed to read his mind. "Have you had any sleep?"

Merlin shook his head. "Every time I close my eyes, I see him, like he's right there in front of me again and he's –"

"Stop" Arthur cut him off with a severe look. "We're not going to let him anywhere near you"

"What if he was right, what if I did deserve it?"

Arthur went white. "He said that?" His voice dangerously low.

"In the beginning, not towards the end, I was saying it at the end"

"Hey, come on, look at me, you didn't deserve what happened to you, it wasn't you fault. It's never your fault"

"I was leaving him" He whispered, hands shaking. "I finally got the courage to tell him to go, It took me 2 years of hitting and kicking and screaming, but I did it"

2 years. Arthur felt sick. He met Merlin when he was 22, just before he got with Cedric. He couldn't remember much from when he met him; he honestly didn't pay that much attention. He remembered he looked happy though. His boyfriend at the time, Edwin, had been a strange character, wore bright colours, danced around and called everyone darling in an overly camp way. Merlin had always looked at him with amusement, but there were no dark circles around his eyes, he never flinched back then, never covered himself up, never looked miserable.

He could remember when he first met Cedric, he was charming and happy and never strayed from Merlin's side. They'd been dating for nearly a year when Arthur told Merlin what a great guy Cedric was.

'Really, Merlin. How on earth did you get someone like him?'

'Oh, you know, just luck I suppose.'

'Well hold onto him, he's a keeper'

Merlin's smile was beautifully depressing, but no one noticed at the time.

Merlin finally started drifting off about 2pm. Arthur helped him to bed, and sat next to him. So he wouldn't be alone.

When Merlin closed his eyes, he finally just saw darkness.

Merlin rubbed his hands together against the cold, and then got his packet of Mayfair out his pocket. Lighting up, he noticed someone watching him, he had longish, dark hair, and he supposed, a rather ordinary face, but he smiled and him and gave a little awkward wave, so Merlin nodded back and sat on the bench.

After a couple of minutes, the bench dipped under someone else's weight. Merlin looked over sharply. The dark haired man had come to sit next to him. Merlin, in his slightly tipsy state, smiled at the man. If this would have been any other time, he'd have ignored him. But the vodka was giving him liquid confidence.

"Hi" The man said, a little awkwardly.

"Hey" Merlin smiled.

"It's bloody cold out here tonight"

Merlin snorted. "Tell me about it, you'd think it was the middle of November or something"

The man smiled crookedly. And Merlin offered him the cigarette packet, but he just shook his head. "Don't smoke, mate. I'm just, you know, getting some air"

Merlin nodded it sympathy. "Yeah, it's pretty crowded in there"

"Makes it worse that I'm here for a friends brothers girlfriends birthday"

Merlin snorted in amusement. "How did you get roped into that?"

"I don't even know, I've only met the girl once" He looked around conspiratorially "I don't even like her that much" He whispered.

That got a genuine laugh from Merlin. "Well, at least it's a night out, I suppose. But saying that, I once got roped into going to a boyfriends sisters friends bar mitzvah, Yeah, that happened"

The man threw his head back laughing. "How did you get roped into that one?"

"I have no idea, but I'm telling you, being a gay couple in a room full of orthodox Jewish people, I think we were the entertainment."

"I can imagine!"

"Yeah, awkward to say the least."

"So, what are you doing here tonight?"

Merlin watched the man carefully. "Drinking my feelings, just gone through a break up, so pity drinking for me"

"I can't imagine why anyone would want to break up with you" He was looking at Merlin seriously, eyes wide and sincere and fuck; this isn't why he came out tonight.

"I'm Merlin" He said, holding out the hand that wasn't hold the cigarette.

The man smiled and put his hand into Merlin's, shaking it softly. His hand was soft and warm despite the cold. And his thumb ran over his knuckles and gave him butterflies.

"Cedric"

Merlin woke up with a jolt, he tried to sit up, but his ribs protested and he cried out.

"Merlin, it's okay" Arthur was next to him, pushing his shoulder down gently. "What Happened?"

A dream. Just a dream. A vivid, harsh dream. "Nothing" Merlin gasped out.

Arthurs eyes were wide with concern. "Merlin, you're safe now, he's not going to get near you again, I promise." He was determined, his voice strong and passionate.

They couldn't get rid of the memories though.

He'd been awake about an hour, when he finally gave in and went to the toilet. He purposely looked away from the mirror, until he washed his hands, well hand. He took a deep breath, and looked up.

It was probably on par with what he expected. Four stitches over his eye, the cut on his lip was scabbed over. There were bruises from his jaw to his cheek, on his eye. He stared at himself hard, making sure to memories every bruise and cut and mark. He wouldn't make these mistakes again. He was a survivor. And he would remember.

Arthur helped him get dressed, and put his painkillers next to his water on the table as he went to make food.

Arthur and Merlin sat at the table eating toast, when the door clicked open. Merlin jumped, and Arthur quickly put his hand over his. "It's just Morgana"

"Only me" Morgana confirmed, smiling sheepishly, Leon following her in with a weekender bag. "We brought some of your stuff. The locks been changed in your apartment, and Cedric hasn't shown his face, Gwaine's there with a cricket bat"

"Where did Gwaine get a cricket bat?" Arthur an eyebrow, hastily taking his hand back.

"I don't question it; I assume it's just for show, anyway. He'll use his fists if Cedric shows his face." Morgana sat next to Merlin, looking at the bruises and cuts.

"You alright?" She asked soothingly, like he was a wounded bird. Maybe he was.

"I'm fine" Merlin smiled carefully, so not to open the cut on his lip again.

Morgana looked skeptical, but didn't voice it. "How attached to your apartment were you?" She asked smoothly, Arthur raised as eyebrow.

"Not that much anymore" He said slowly. It was a pretty old place. And the thought of going back there made him nervous.

"Me and Leon had a stroke of genius" She started proudly, Arthur snorted. Morgana glared, but carried on anyway. "Well, Leons apartments going back up for rent, we thought maybe you'd like first pick?"

Before Merlin could say anything Arthur said "Wait, where's Leon going?"

"He's moving" Morgana said smoothly.

"Where?"

"Here" Morgana said slowly, looking at him like he'd lost the plot.

"When were you telling me that?"

"I'm telling you now. So, Merlin what do you think? It's a bit further away from work, but rents almost the same, and we thought – "

"Thank you" Merlin cut her off. "Thank you so much" She wrapped her arms around him, waiting for the tears that never came.

"It's okay, it's the least we can do. We kind of packed up your stuff already, though." She looked embarrassed, Merlin just laughed.

"Thank you."

The call came later the next day. The police had Cedric, after hearing the evidence against him, he pleaded guilty to the charges. Merlin wouldn't have to go to court, wouldn't have to see him again. He hung up and finally let the tears come.

The door banged open and Arthur rushed in. He didn't question why he was crying, he just sat next to him and held him, gently rocking him. Letting him sob into his t shirt. When Merlin was finally too exhausted to cry anymore, Arthur didn't let him go, he held onto him a little tighter until Merlin was drifting off to sleep. He could have sworn he felt Arthur's lips on his head.

On Monday, when everyone had gone to work, Lance came and checked him over. Merlin sat there blankly, letting Lance prod at his ribs.

"I'd say they'll heal fine, just don't move around too much or do any heavy lifting. Make sure you're taking the painkillers, they'll help with your breathing" Lance sounded clinical, professional. He supposed this was his doctor mode.

"So, I hear you're moving into Leons flat?" Lance smiled, finally breaking doctor mode.

Merlin nodded. "Yeah, I'm grateful, I don't think I could have gone back to my apartment...I kind of want to, though, just one last time."

"You can go back if you want, we'll come with you"

"I think I need to go on my own"

"Merlin – "

"I just, I need to see it again, I need to pack up my own things and just get some kind of closure."

Lance nodded sombrely. "If you need help, need to talk to someone, you know we're all here for you, right? Or I can find someone for you to talk to, a counselor, or find a support group"

"Thank you, but I think I'm going to be okay"

"Really?"

"Yeah, I mean, I spent the last 2 years going numb after all the names he called me and all the times he knocked me down, I'm free now."