A/N: I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time. But here is a longer chapter to make up for it. I started writing school and it has taken up a majority of my time. I hope you enjoy.

In a twist of cruel fate, Sirius had to be released from St. Mungos in twenty-four hours. It did not matter that he had just been caught with a full bottle of firewhiskey. He had not drank from the bottle his father had left him.

Sirius owled for James and told him that he was being released. James responded saying they would be there at half past ten tomorrow morning.

Everything felt surreal. Sirius sat in groups all day whilst people complained about their lives and their choices and how they had ended up there. He folded his left leg over his right and desperately wanted a cigarette.

He reported how he felt. Fine.

"Fine is not an emotion, Sirius." An older woman that looked like Mrs Potter gently reminded him.

"I feel…" He didn't know how he felt.

This had been hell for him. He missed James, Peter, and Remus. James and Peter wrote nearly every day. Mr and Mrs Potter wrote also. Remus had only written a few times in the month he had been there.

But now he was absolutely terrified of being released. He knew he was going home to the Potters, which he felt better about. It was better than going back to 12 Grimmauld Place. But he felt trapped regardless of where he was. He also couldn't help but feeling that he was a burden.

At nine that evening, a nurse with red hair came up to him and handed him a sleeping drought. "So you're ready for tomorrow, dear." She smiled and watched him drink it.

He set it back on her tray and she walked away.

He couldn't help but feeling that everyone was walking away from him down into a long tunnel and he couldn't follow.

The rest of the evening was a blur. He must have passed out because he woke up to James sitting on the edge of his bed.

"We can't take you home if you don't get your lazy arse out of bed." He grinned and ran his fingers through his hair.

Sirius sat up slowly. A flood of colours surrounded him and he was positive James could not see them. "Mate, help me up. I need to piss." James stood him up and helped him walk into the bathroom. "I'm not sick, they just drugged me so I'd sleep enough."

"Mum and Dad are signing you out. I'll just wait out here."

Sirius took a quick shower, combed his hair, and brushed his teeth. His forest green bath robe was hanging on the door and he wrapped himself up in it. He opened the door and found James sitting on his bed.

"Make yourself at home, Prongs." He ran his fingers through his hair and looked for his brush before remembering he had already brushed it. "I'll never understand why hairspray was on the list of banned items here. Don't they know I have an image to uphold?"

He found his pyjamas and put them on. The strings had been cut out.

"You know you can wear real clothes home, right?" Mrs Potter embraced him and cradled him as if he might break.

"Force of habit." She finally let go and he gave her a feeble smile.

"Are we all ready to go?" Mr Potter picked up Sirius's bags with one arm and hugged him with the other.

Leaving was strange. He hadn't been outside in a month. He hadn't left the ward once. The outside world no longer existed. He did not know why he was being sent home. Didn't they extend his sentence a week ago?

Mrs Potter had been talking to him. He did not hear what she was saying. "What would you like for dinner?" She repeated.

"Umm… I'm fine with whatever." He rung his hands and returned to staring out the window.

"You ever gonna tell me what the fuck is up?" James asked as his left eyebrow raised. They were sitting on Sirius's bed. It looked exactly as he had left it. He kicked his pile of dirty clothes to the side as he walked in and set his stuff down.

"Hmm? Oh nothing, mate."

"Nothing? That's bullshit."

Sirius sighed. "I fucked up with Remus."

"Are you sober?"

Sirius nodded.

"You'll fix it. You always do."

"At the risk of sounding like a total prat, I'm going to bed." Sirius rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling.

"Do you want me to sleep in here tonight?"

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"It would be like being at school," James offered.

"I can handle myself. I'm not going to fly off the handle."

"I know." He put his hands up as if to say take it easy.

"You can stay if you want," Sirius pressed his lips shut. A few moments later he stood up and put on his boots. James raised an eyebrow. "Going for a fag."

"I'll come with you."

"Okay but I don't want a therapy session. I just want to inhale nicotine."

They crept down the stairs so as to not wake the Potters and James opened the back door as carefully as he could. They slowly walked out into the meadow they had been camping in a month ago, and he had held Remus's hand. Then things warped before he knew what was happening.

The wind whistled the leaves and for a moment he wished he put on his leather jacket. He cupped his hands and took out his lighter, lit his cigarette, and inhaled deeply. "I haven't had one of these since-" he stopped himself.

James took the lighter from him and lit his own. Thankfully, he was the master of distraction and had the tact not to mention that he knew. "Pete is coming over for breakfast, I think."

"That's good." Sirius did not know why that made him angry. It was good, but he forced himself to ask: "any word from Remus?" He tried to keep his voice as neutral as possible.

James noticed but did not comment on it; he shook his head. "Last I knew he said he needed time. We haven't seen him. He said he's busy with his mum and studying. But you know Remus, he'll turn around."

"Maybe not this time." He took another deep drag and watched the blue-grey smoke swirl around above his head.

"I think that's something you two need to work out," James threw his cigarette on the ground and stomped it out before turning to walk back inside. He left Sirius standing there.

After three cigarettes, Sirius knew. He thought about every time they held hands this summer, about all of the gross feelings inside him. The way his skin felt on fire whenever they touched. Sirius did not like touching people because he felt that if he allowed himself to get close to others, to feel, to touch, everything would slip away from him before he knew what was happening. Remus made him feel like he had been shocked, as if he could feel his synapses responding. He felt as if his heart might leap right out of his chest. Mostly, he felt as if he would vomit.

No girl, no matter how scantily clad, made him feel.

He wanted to curl inside of himself and cry because Sirius Black was in love with Remus Lupin and that meant pain, because he knew boys did not love other boys.

"Have you finished sulking?" Sirius came into his bedroom to find James Potter sprawled out on his bed.

"This is just like being at school." Sirius whispered as to not wake the Potter's and kicked off his boots.

"Can we cuddle tonight, too?" James asked hopefully.

"Prat."

"Git." James made room for Sirius. "You can even turn into Padfoot. I won't tell anyone." Sirius was a cuddly bastard, but only when he allowed himself to be. Most of the time, he was like a hedgehog, prickly and physically distant. He was too used to blows from his father.

When he had come to Hogwarts, he had not been hugged by anyone in five years. James, however, had grown up with constant love and affection, being the only child, and with parents that dotted on him. When they first began living together as first years, James went to hug him and Sirius punched him in the face. It was the start of their friendship.

"You know who else doesn't like to be touched?" Sirius was facing the window, his back turned to James.

Sirius gave a grunt.

"Remus."

Sirius said nothing, but a few minutes later, he had turned into Padfoot (Because we are too old to share a bed, Potter, that's why. Don't read so much into it). He allowed James to pet him.

"If I go stag, we'll have to buy you a new bed."

James woke at six and went for a run, took a shower, drank black tea, and read the Prophet before sending an owl to Remus.

Sirius is out.

Sirius, as Padfoot, snored on at the edge of the bed.

At nine Remus responded: Good. But also… not good? I'll be over this afternoon.

Thirty minutes later, Sirius was sitting up now. James handed him black coffee. He had been drinking it all summer. He muttered out a thanks in response. "Any news?"

"To which are you referring?" James handed him the Prophet. "I saved you the crossword puzzle. Oh, and Remus is coming over later."

"I don't think he wants to see me." He turned to the headline story. There had been three muggle killings. He grabbed a quill and switched to the crossword.

"If that was the case, I think he would have asked me to come over."

At three on the nose, Remus knocked on the front door. "Remus, dear, you don't have to knock. Just come in, everyone else does." Mrs Potter said as she opened the door. "James and Sirius are in the back yard taking a walk."

"Actually we've just finished." James burst into the house.

"I'll go make you boys sandwiches." Mrs Potter escaped to the kitchen.

Sirius stood at the edge of the door, not sure what to do. Should they hug? Should he say hello? He watched Remus for a hint, but Remus gave none.

"Hello, Sirius," Remus finally said. He sounded friendly enough.

"Hey." Sirius finally left the door and sat on the green sofa where Remus read Crime and Punishment out loud to him. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"I'll go get the sandwiches." James headed for the kitchen.

"How are you?" Remus sat in the chair opposite. There was much more than five feet of distance between them.

"I would say that I'm fine, but fine isn't an emotion." He gave a slight smile. "I'm okay, I guess. Sober."

"Sober is good."

"How are you?"

"Fine. But if that isn't an emotion, I guess I'm okay, too."

"But we aren't okay." It wasn't a question.

"I don't know." Remus sighed.

"Why did you hardly write to me? And you didn't even visit." It sounded meaner than he intended.

"You know, my mum turned to alcohol once she realised I'm not going to be cured."

"You never mentioned it."

"I guess it's hard to watch someone you care about not care about themselves."

"It was an accident, Remus."

"I know." He thought for a moment, trying to find the exact words he needed. "I thought if I distanced myself from you this summer, that it would hurt less, I guess. And that you would understand the seriousness of what you had done. We were really worried about you. And it feels like sometimes you don't get how much we care about you. And I know your house is shit and your family doesn't give a fuck about you. But we do."

Sirius did not know what to say. Remus had seen right through him. For all of his pretending to be confident, but laid back, Remus could see that he had been just as scared. "You're right. I didn't care enough about myself." He stood up. "I'm going to get some water. Do you want anything?"

"Go get your water. Then fucking talk to me. I'm tired of this, Sirius."

He wanted to ask what he was tired of. He means he knows I'm avoiding it. I never deal with my fucking problems. James and his mother were sitting in the kitchen eating sandwiches and laughing. James took a green grape and popped it into his mouth. He was leaning over the kitchen table. A stab of jealousy flooded Sirius, and for a moment his heart ached. He felt the desire to kick him as if he were a five year old boy. He was never going to be able to eat grapes and laugh with his mother.

"I came to get water." He pushed those nasty thoughts away.

"How's Remus?" Mrs Potter offered him a plate of sandwiches. They were turkey and bacon, his favourite.

It was so bright, so sunny, and so cheerful. It gave him a headache. He set his glass on the table and walked outside. He felt like heaving. He reached for a cigarette, fumbled around his pockets for a light.

It was Remus's hand that offered one. "I know you're trying, Sirius." He sat down next to him. "I can't pretend it didn't happen, though."

"I know." He had been shaking. "I get so angry sometimes. I see him with his mum and everything is good and they're sitting there laughing and it's just, what the fuck did I do to deserve parents that can't give a shit about me? I just need to grow up and accept that they don't. But damn, sometimes it just depresses the hell out of me."

Remus took a cigarette off him and lit it. He reached out for Sirius's hand but stopped himself.

"Dumbledore is making me meet with Uncle Al. He says I have to or I can't go back."

"How do you feel about that?" He flicked his ash, took another puff.

He shrugged. Sirius noticed the way the sun made Remus's eyes look more gold than brown. "I mean, besides Andromeda, he's the only relative I can stand. Reg has become insufferable. It could be good. Anyway, I said I would. We meet Friday afternoons at The Three Broomsticks."

"When do you start meeting up?" Remus stole a glance at Sirius's face before looking back at his feet.

"Tomorrow."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, that's okay. I can go myself. But I'll owl you after?"

"Owl me later."

At three, Sirius found himself walking into The Three Broomsticks. He had floo'd over. Mrs Potter had fussed over him. "Owl if you need anything, dear." She had given him another quick hug.

He stood at the entrance scanning the pub for his uncle. He found him sitting in the back. At least they were away from the public eye. Sirius was confident the world knew where he had been. Uncle Al had waived to him. He took a deep breath and walked slowly over to him, his hands in his pockets.

Uncle Al was a tall and thin man in his late fifties. He had the air of an aristocrat trying not to be an aristocrat. His long, grey-black hair was in a ponytail. His plumb pea coat was on the back of his chair. His hat was on the table, but he moved it out of the way so Sirius could sit down.

"I'd give you a hug, but I'm sure you've had enough of them to last you a while." He gave a slight smile. "I ordered you an espresso."

"So you know I'm not drinking much these days, then."

"That's one way of putting it," he gestured for him to take a chair.

Sirius sat down and with shaking hands, he took the cup of espresso. "When did you learn to drink this?" He took a sip and gingerly set the cup back on his saucer. "I didn't even know you could drink that here."

"Tom owed me a favour." He leaned back in his chair.

"There's hardly anyone here." Sirius found himself whispering.

"I thought it would be good to meet when it's quiet." He ordered them both corn beef sandwiches. "If I asked you how you are, would you give me a straight answer?" He gave him another grin. "No, you'd probably just say you're fine."

"Actually, I don't think I'm fine today. I'm okay. I'm hanging in there. Desperately wanting a smoke, but I'm still alive and all that."

"Then have a smoke." He took out his own golden cigarette case and handed one to Sirius. "If you're gonna make changes, you gotta start slow. You can't just go from sitting on a couch to running a marathon, you know."

"I've spent a month listening to people bitch about how depressing their life is and how they can't handle it and how fucked up everything is. And I think I'm fucked up, you know, but I don't want to complain about how everything is shit, because that doesn't change anything." Sirius lit his cigarette and took a long drag. "I haven't had a cigarette since I saw Remus yesterday. You'd think it was a lifetime ago."

The sandwiches arrived. "You look good, then."

"I look like shit."

"I think you feel worse than you look."

Sirius took a bite of his sandwich. "So, are you going to tell anyone that we are visiting?"

"I only talk to you and Andromeda. I've been living in muggle Italy the last few years."

"That explains the espressos. You still living alone?"

"Actually, I've met someone." Uncle Al lit another cigarette.

"Who's the lucky gal?"

"His name is John."

"Is he a muggle?" Uncle Al nodded.

"How long have you been together?"

"A few months. We've been friends for a long time and it took us forever to realise how we felt."

Sirius nodded, took another sip of his drink and put out his cigarette. He did not light another one. "How'd you figure it out?"

"I just figured it out one day. I think I'd always known, but then I didn't know how it would work and you tell yourself that it will never work because boys don't like boys, and then I'm magical and he's not. And eventually I just stopped lying to myself and we've worked it out. But we're talking about you."

Suddenly Sirius was reminded of Dumbledore. If he was having this conversation, he would have given him a knowing smile. Uncle Al did not give such a smile. Sirius would not have had any type of conversation with Dumbledore, though.

"I like boys." Sirius looked at his half eaten sandwich. He had whispered it.

"When did you figure it out?"

"When I decided to drink myself to death. Well, that wasn't the intention, really. But I was drinking heavily and it kind of spiralled out of control. I was listening to some records and Remus and I had been holding hands that night. And I just felt like, I can't live like this. I can't be this person. I can't be. And Remus-"

"Sirius, it's alright."

"No, it's not. It's not alright. I just wish I could tell him I'm sorry. I told him I'd talk to him after we finish up. But I think there's some things I need to say. I just don't want to say them."

"If you need to wait, you can. You don't have to do anything you aren't ready for."

"I'd snuck out of the house when James followed me and we smoked a cigarette and he knows. He just let me figure it out. Why does everyone know before you do?"

"I think it's easier sometimes for others to notice when they aren't the ones living it."

"When can I meet John?"

"Come to Italy some time." He put his hat on his head and grabbed his coat. "I'll see you next week, but if you want to talk before that, let me know."

"So you just come here from Italy once a week to meet with me?"

"No, I've been staying in the old estate this summer cleaning some things out."

"Do you care if we visit there some time?"

"Okay. We can meet there next week. Have a good week, Sirius." With a wave, Uncle Al disappeared into muggle London, probably to meet John. Sirius went home and shut himself in his room.

A knock came. Mr Potter entered. Sirius was sprawled out on his stomach, reading The Great Gatsby. "Dinner's ready."

"I'm not hungry. I ate with my uncle."

"If you're not hungry, at least sit with us."

"Do you know?"

"Know what?"

"About me?"

"Liking a boy?"

Sirius nodded. "I do. And it doesn't change anything, Sirius. You're welcome here as long as you need it. We still love you. Come down for dinner."

That night, Sirius sent Remus an owl telling him that he was okay. He sent one to Peter saying that he wasn't ignoring him or anything, but that he had to do stuff to be able to come back to school next month.

He thought about owling Reg. He decided against it. The moon shined in his window. He was about to try to sleep when Remus opened the door.

"Do you mind if I stay the night?" Sirius moved over. "I only have this bed here."

"I won't make a big deal out of it if you don't."

"So why are you staying over tonight? Not that I mind…"

"Mum and Dad went out of town. And tomorrow is the full moon. So I thought I would come over early."

"Shit. I almost forgot."

"Lucky you." Remus pulled the blanket over him.

"So do my parents know you're here?"

"No. How was your visit?"

"Good. I found out he's gay. Which I've probably always known or at least had suspicions, but he's got a partner, and they live in Italy, and I'm allowed to visit sometime. We're meeting at the estate next week since he's been staying here this summer." Sirius stole a glance at Remus. His face gave nothing away.

"So he came out to you?"

"I mean, he didn't give me some speech or anything. I asked if he was still living alone and he said no he met someone. I asked who the lucky girl was, and he said his name. And that was the end of it."

"I wish I could do that."

"Well, I think he has more experience coming out than we do." Sirius froze. "Shit. That's not what I meant."

"Sirius."

Sirius leapt out of bed and did not bother to put his boots on. Remus followed him.

Sirius did not bother to be quiet. He no longer cared. He slammed the backdoor shut. He did not know where he was headed. It didn't matter. Remus did not say anything but continued following. He knew that if he called out to him, Sirius would just run faster.

Finally, Sirius stopped. He wished he brought shoes.

"I like you, Sirius. That's why I've been distant this summer. Because I like you, and you can't have this right now. You need to figure your shit out, and I just complicate that. And I didn't know that you… felt the way I feel about you… about boys. I didn't know you like boys. I'm not saying you like me."

"I like you."

"I like you, too." It wasn't pain Sirius felt.

"I just feel like we can't be together."

"Because we don't deal with our feelings in healthy ways?"

"Because I'm a goddamn werewolf."

"I'm a-were."

"Did you just make a fucking pun?"

"Look, I'm not saying that we have to have sex, because I don't even know if I like sex. But I would like to kiss you sometime? And it's not like I didn't know you're a werewolf. I've dealt with that a whole lifetime ago."

"Being friends with one is a lot different than having romantic feelings for one."

"I don't see how."

"If I kissed you, would you… be okay with that?"

"If I let you, does that mean you have to sleep in James's room?"

"We don't have to tell anyone."

Sirius did not know how he had managed to find himself a mile from home in the middle of the night, standing there without shoes, waiting for Remus to kiss him. But he felt that maybe, things were going to be alright. He closed his eyes and felt the electricity touch his lips. He felt himself inhale, and there was Remus. There seemed to be a million stars in the sky. He wanted to laugh.

"It's about time!" James called. "You woke the whole house, you idiots."

"So much for not telling anyone." Remus took Sirius's hand. Sirius let him.